CHAPTER 5
VISION QUEST
It was May 15, 2000. Ron, Chris and I boarded the plane to Albuquerque, New Mexico, for Hanbleca. We arrived late in the day, ate supper, and went directly to the hotel. The next day, all the people on the vision quest and their supporters gathered for a meeting. We prepared willow sticks for our altars, which would be placed within our Hochaka. On the altar we would place our sacred pipe (Chanupa) and any sacred or personal items we wished. I did not have a Chanupa and was given one to use by Jacob, one of the local Lakota people. Jacob had been on Hanbleca several times. I felt a sense of spiritual connection to him when I held the pipe. I didn’t sleep much that night. I was anxious and wondered much of the night how I would survive this experience or if I would survive at all.
It was 5 am when the alarm clock in our hotel room went off. It was still dark outside and the moon shone through the cloudy sky. Today was the first day of Hanbleca. Ron, Chris, and I went to the local coffee shop to get something to eat before we met the other people. We had been instructed to be at the sweat lodge at 7 am that morning. I wasn’t very hungry at 5:30 am, but knowing it was the last thing I would eat for four days, I managed to eat all the eggs and toast I ordered. We all met at the lodge for the first two rounds of the Inipi ceremony. There were seventeen of us who had committed to the Hanbleca ceremony that year including Chris and me. As we drove into the Sandia Mountain range in Albuquerque, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. This was completely foreign to me. I had not slept outside in my whole life, and now I had committed myself to four nights outside with the elements, animals, and insects and who knows what else. I was scared but somehow knew I had to listen to my heart and not my head.
Once at the base of the mountain, the supporters carrying backpacks and willow sticks slowly made their way along the dirt trail and headed up the mountain. Then, Phil Crazy Bull led the group of men and women, each one carrying their Chanupa. All the women were first followed by the men. Sage and desert cactus lined the dirt path we traveled. We crossed a small creek, and after about ten minutes, the group stopped and was split into two groups. The men went up the mountain higher, and the women, escorted by Chief Phil Crazy Bull, went to the side of the mountain in a valley area. My Hochaka was a six-by-six-foot area surrounded on all four sides by my prayer ties that I had made with a prayer inside each one of them. There also were my prayer flags and an altar area on which I placed my Chanupa (sacred pipe). On the altar I also placed a rock that we had found in Sharon’s possessions and two small turtles, which were also hers. The Chief came to my Hochaka as he did with each individual and prayed with me asking the ancestors to answers my prayers. Before leaving he secured the (South) area where the white prayer ties were placed. This is the area which you can untie and go out from if you need to go to the bathroom. Other than going to the bathroom one is strongly advised to remain within your Hochaka where one is protected by your prayer ties, flags and spirit.
Once the Chief had left, I arranged my sleeping bag and organized my backpack so I was prepared in case it rained. I also got out my journal so I could write down my experience. I was extremely tired from climbing the mountain. I laid on the sleeping bag and closed my eyes. I felt like I was driving down a curved road and then a straight road and then back to a mountainous curved road again. The information I received was that sometimes life is straight and smooth and at other times there are curves in the road. I also got information on Kaci, our dog who had just died. Thoughts came to me from where I did not know that “Love is not on a timetable. Sometimes a relationship can last a long time (as in the case of our older dog Scruffy who died at age eighteen) or a short time as with Kaci. In either case you need to remember the good times and let it go otherwise it tends to destroy you.” I felt I had received very good advice but again did not know where it came from. Later the same day, I heard the leaves on the ground rustle and there appeared a huge black beetle. I have always been afraid of insects, and my first instinct was to make it go away. I try to deter it from coming closer by putting my Native American drum, which I had brought with me, in front of it. The beetle then went around the drum and seemed determined to enter my Hochaka. I remembered what the Chief had said about offering your Chanupa (sacred pipe) four times to whatever animal comes into your area to gain the energy of that animal. I then offered it my pipe and at that time it went away. A few hours later it returned again, and I realized one of my reasons for asking to be put on the mountain was to overcome my fears. So, this was certainly a test for me. I was then determined the next time it appeared I would offer it my hand and let it crawl on me if it so desired. This took a lot of courage for me, and it did reappear out of the bushes. I extended my hand, but it then turned around and left. In my own mind I felt I had made some progress on my fear of insects, ever so small. I prayed throughout the day for answers regarding Sharon’s coma and what we should do.
That night was very cool but was a welcome change from the intense heat of the day. The full moon was breathtakingly beautiful. I slept some but every little noise woke me up, not being used to sleeping outdoors.
The next day I watched the sun come up, and as it moved across the sky, I tried to determine by its position the time of day it was. The heat was suffocating as there was little shade. For a brief period of time I used the tarp I had brought and placed it over my head to shield me from the burning rays of the sun. I had some spray sunscreen. The spray felt cool on my skin, but this relief didn’t last long until the unrelenting heat returned. I continued to pray for strength and guidance still requesting answer to my prayers regarding Sharon. My tears burned on my face, and the glasses I had on were extremely hot. I used some moist toilettes I had brought and placed some on the back of my neck. This felt cool for a brief period of time. By mid-afternoon I was getting nauseated from the heat. I continued to feel very nauseated and was grateful when the sun had reached a point where I knew it wouldn’t be long until the sun would go down. Late in the afternoon I prayed as I felt I had never prayed before. I looked up at the clouds and told Sharon she needed to come and let me know what she wanted us to do. I let her know that whatever she decided we would support her decision. Although with all my heart I wanted her to return to us, I felt prepared for whatever she decided because I wanted what was best for her. I also prayed to Sharon that physically I felt I was not going to last another day and needed an answer.
When the sun went down the dark clouds entered the canyon, and it was windy and stormy all night long, but no rain came to quench my thirst. My tarp blew down, and I sat on it all night to keep it from blowing away along with my sleeping bag which I had not zipped completely. I tried to concentrate on other things besides the storm and noticed how beautiful the moon was beside the dark clouded sky. I heard some leaves rustling and thought it was the wind. I turn to see a beautiful gold mountain lion just outside my Hochaka standing perfectly still just looking at me. I panicked, not knowing if I was hallucinating or indeed if it was a real mountain lion. I was too scared to look again but stayed perfectly still and hoped if it was real, it would go away. I remembered once again that I should offer it my Chanupa (sacred pipe). I had been holding the Chanupa with both hands in my sleeping bag, and at that moment, it came apart. Not knowing what to do with a mountain lion just outside my Hochaka, I held both pieces of the Chanupa in my sleeping bag, and not looking at the mountain lion, in a sideways motion, I offered it my pipe four times. After what seemed like an eternity but probably was more like an hour, I finally got up enough courage to look again and see if it was there. It had gone.
After a sleepless night, tired, hungry, and thirsty and still in my sleeping bag, I looked up at the sky. It was just after sunrise. I saw streaks of clouds in the sky, and a strange formation started to take shape. It reminded me of when I was a child in church. I would get bored and just stare at the priest while he was giving his sermon and would on occasion see a white apparition appear behind him which would float across the altar and then disappear. As a child I felt everyone would probably see the same thing if they were staring at him. I looked at the clouds again, and all of a sudden a figure appeared in the clouds. It was Sharon. She had long hair as she always wore it and seemed to be trying to relay a message. The figure didn’t speak but thought patterns came to me. She was showing me her wrist, normally where you would wear a watch and on it instead of a watch were two-dollar bills. The thought came “In time money.” To the left of her I saw two different scenes each one with a man and woman in it. They seemed to be dancing and enjoying themselves. The next thought I got was “Life is short, enjoy yourself.”
Next, I saw what seemed like a heavenly area with slides coming down. There were two children, one on each slide, as if they were sliding down to earth. The word came “Reincarnation.”
The third scene was a picture like Niagara Falls. There was a large biblical-like figure standing at the bottom of the fall. Sharon was coming down the middle of the falls. The thought I got was “Cleansing.”
The scenes that were coming were much like still photos but one right after another. The final scene was a picture of a heavy figure of a person with a heavy coat, hat, and down-trodden appearance. From the center of this figure appeared a thin figure of a girl with her hair cropped up on top, which is how Sharon liked to wear her hair. This figure moved slowly out from the down-trodden heavy figure, and I knew it was Sharon’s spirit. The words came to me very clearly, “Freedom, free at last.” I started to cry. I had received my answer. As much as I didn’t like what I heard, I had promised I would support her decision. I knew at that moment she really didn’t want to return to her body.
I laid on my sleeping bag looking up at the sky and sobbed. After a while I composed myself as best I could and realized I needed to face another fear, getting off the mountain. My prayers were answered, and I had experienced my vision. I dressed warmly as it was cold that morning, left my Hochaka with my Chanupa a pillow and my journal, and proceeded to try and find my way out of the mountainous area. Having no sense of direction and no path to follow, I stumbled around. I saw below me a stream with water. As I tried to make it down the hill to the stream, I fell and tumbled landing at the bottom next to the stream. My legs were cut and bleeding from the fall, and I realized I was lost. I began to drink some water from the stream, and it tasted cool and refreshing. I sat by a tree and prayed for someone to find me. I prayed to the Chief that he or any one of the supporters might hear me. After what seemed like a very long time, I surrendered to the fact I may not be found and may actually die there. I surrendered to this possibility and found a sense of peace in this acceptance. A thought entered my mind and instructed me to look across the stream. There had been other people in Hochakas over in that area, and they must have gotten there somehow, and I should cross the stream. I followed the directions I had been given and went across the steam. I found a path, followed it in the direction I thought I should be going and found my way out of the mountain. I felt relieved as I made my way down the path. I found a place to rest at the bottom of the trail. Within ten minutes, the Chief was there along with one of the supporters. My prayers once again had been answered. Chief Phil Crazy Bull got out of his truck and asked if I had spoken to Sharon. I said I did and began to cry. He then said he had to go see the people on the mountain and that one of the supporters who had shown up would drive me back to the sweat lodge area. Ellen, one of the supporters, offered me some water on the way back to the lodge. It took us about fifteen minutes to get there, and on the way, she said she wasn’t suppose to be at the mountain but felt someone needed her so she drove out. I then realized the power of prayer.
When we got back to the sweat lodge, I was given more water. Ron was called to let him know I had come down from the mountain. I entered the sweat lodge and waited for the Chief to come back to do the last two rounds of the Inipi ceremony, which would complete my Hanbleca.
I sat in the sweat lodge for what seemed a long period of time, and during that time, I continued to see visions. In the vision pit in the center of the sweat lodge where the rocks are normally placed, I saw half of the pit filled with picture frames and pictures of Sharon in them. The words came to me “Remember Me.” To the left of the frames but still within a frame itself was a larger picture of Sharon in a wheelchair with a teacher behind her and students in front of her. The only thing I would relate it to was something to do with disabled children. One of the children appeared to be wearing sunglasses, and it led me to believe that it had something to do with disabled children that were blind.
The next thing I saw was Sharon showing me money and the inside of a church with a long aisle, and it looked like a wedding ceremony with two people standing in front of a minister at an altar. The message from this was that Sharon wanted to give something to Heidi and Chris, her brother for their upcoming wedding. Next in the vision pit I saw a celebration that reminded me of a Christmas celebration with a priest and a huge orchestra, a buffalo, a giraffe, and the words came, “Celebration of Life” and the thought that when she passes she wants a celebration. After this came a vision involving giving gifts to animals. The last thing I saw in the vision pit was Sharon holding and spinning a Native American drum with a Native American standing beside her. This one I didn’t quite understand, but later when I asked Chief Phil Crazy Bull, he explained she wanted our family to go to Sundance, which is another Native American ceremony. Later on I also came to realize that this meant, one mind, one heart, one voice, one Chanupa, which is said at the end of each sweat lodge ceremony and means that we are all connected.
When Phil came into the lodge and before starting the last two rounds of the sweat to complete the ceremony, he asked about my vision. I explained everything I had received both on the mountain and in the sweat lodge to him. It was completely dark in the sweat lodge, and both he and I were the only ones in there. I felt a presence of someone else to the right of where I was sitting. I looked to my right and could see an outline of a person with her hair cropped up on top the way Sharon usually wore her hair. I then asked Phil about what I was seeing, and he said it was Sharon. Once Phil started the last two rounds of the ceremony, I looked to my right and could see her hands wave. It was a wave you see people do at a football game where they raise their hands above their head and come down much like an ocean wave. Sharon was known for this wave within our family, and it was her way of joking around. At the time she would do this she would also say “I am not worthy.” Immediately, when I saw this wave within the lodge, I knew there was no doubt in my mind that it indeed was Sharon.
I completed the last two rounds of the Inipi and went out of the lodge. I ate some fruit and drank more water. There was one more final part of the ceremony to complete and that was to smoke the sacred pipe and share it with others and that would end the ceremony. While smoking the pipe, I again saw Sharon lying on the grass outside the lodge, and there were several black cats around her, which had been around the lodge area that day. Sharon loved cats and as far back as I remember she always had a cat as a pet.
After the ceremony was over, I told Phil these visions kept coming and no matter where I looked I saw a vision. This concerned me since I knew it would be difficult to resume a normal life with this sort of thing happening. He said it would stop but that Sharon had a lot to tell me and as soon as I started eating this would ground me, and the visions would soon disappear.
After the ceremony, Ron and I decided to go back to the mountain because I had left my pillow and journal on a rock on my way down the mountain. When we got back to the mountain, we started up the trail, and I looked up and could see Sharon’s face on one of the rocks high up the mountain. At that point I asked where Chris’ Hochaka was, and Ron pointed to the area where I had seen Sharon’s face on the rock. We spent about an hour looking for my pillow and journal and couldn’t even find the trail I came down on. We then decided to head back to the hotel so I could get some rest and take a shower.
The cool water from the shower felt good on my skin, and the dirt on my feet and under my fingernails soon disappeared. My hair felt squeaky clean from the shampoo. Now all I needed was a good night’s sleep.
I slept well that evening and awoke at around 6 am. Ron was on his way out the door to go back to the mountain in case anyone else coming down the mountain needed his assistance. He came back to the hotel around noon, we ate lunch, and we both went back to the mountain. I felt a deep sense of connection to the mountainous area and to the connection I had made with Sharon. Ron and I remained there the rest of the day.
It was now day five and the remaining vision questers would be coming down the mountain. Ron was up at 5 am and headed once again to the mountain to help the people. I took my time getting dressed since I was still moving quite slowly and still not quite use to being back in this reality. At 7:30 am he was back at the hotel, and we both went to the sweat lodge area to greet the others who had returned from the mountain. When we got to the sweat lodge, the people were still in the last round of their final two rounds of the sweat. They came out of the sweat lodge looking exhausted from their ordeal except for Chris who looked fine. He was also the youngest member of the group. After the ceremony we talked with Chris about his experiences. He said he didn’t think he had a vision but remembered vividly talking to Sharon. He felt her presence to the right of where he was sitting, which was the area I had seen her face on the rock. At first he felt like perhaps he was schizophrenic and making all of this up in his mind, but then after the presence had gone, he remembered actually trying to initiate a conversation similar to what happened, and he couldn’t do it. It was then he realized he had indeed talked to his sister. He said they discussed several things one of which was that he could reach her by doing shamanic journeying on a consistent basis. I was able to reach her on one or two occasions but not as often as Chris could. Sharon told him it was because when she and he were younger she would often go to him for advice. She admitted she didn’t often take it and felt that what she was going to do was worth the consequences. During their conversation, there was music playing down below in the valley and Sharon said to Chris, “That music sucks.” This was very typical of Sharon. You always knew how she felt about any given situation, as she would frequently voice her opinion. Chris tried to convince her to come back out of her coma and said, “Mom and Dad would take care of you.” Her response was, “It’s not their responsibility.” He then told her that he would help, too, and the response came, “It’s not your responsibility.” After I had heard this portion of Chris’ experience, I remembered something a spiritual advisor in Arizona many years before had told me. I had gone to see this woman about a bladder problem I was having that would not heal, and it was being recommended I have surgery to correct the problem. After following her advice regarding diet and spiritual healing, the bladder problem disappeared. During our first visit, I asked about Chris and Sharon. She told me Sharon was here this lifetime to learn responsibility. Chris on the other hand did not have to come back this lifetime but did so for me. I realized that this was a profound message that had been given to me many years before and a truth, which now became quite apparent to me.
Chris went on to tell us more of his conversation with Sharon. She asked that the curtain in her room, which divided the room between her and the little girl next to her, be moved so she could see her and the cartoons that were playing on the television in the room. She wanted her glass cat with the vanilla candle placed in her room to the right of her bed. She requested a new poster with pictures of the cat be put on the ceiling. The one that was there now was of a castle and she didn’t like that one. She told Chris also, “Tell Dad I love him, and he should not be so hard on himself. He did the best he could with what he knew. If anything it is my fault and not his.” She went on with several more requests. “Tell Mom not to lotion me up so much or towel me down before she leaves so my skin can breath.” Each week I would put lotion on Sharon and do a massage, and I did tend to get carried away with the lotion. Sharon went on to say she wanted to taste milk again. Chris then asked her, “How about cookies?” She quickly responded, “Don’t be a smart ass.” She also asked Chris that when he did his shamanic journeying he not bother her with questions but just play with her. She also wanted Chris to come back again and see her for a weekend and bring items from Hanbleca and put in her room, turtles, a drum, and a medicine bag.
Two days later, we were on a plane headed back to Portland, Oregon. Ron and I met with Deborah, the spiritual advisor we had been seeing, a day later and told her of my experience. She already knew what I was about to tell her. She said Sharon had come to her asking her to tell me about Sharon’s desire not to return. Deborah had told her she couldn’t do that but that Sharon had to be the one to do it. On the third day of my Hanbleca experience, Sharon did indeed tell me this.
On May 24, 2000, we met with the head nurse at the rehabilitation center. While we were gone, the nursing staff had tried to wean Sharon off her tracheotomy tube so it could eventually be removed. Everything seemed to be progressing nicely, and Sharon was tolerating the weaning process until the third day. At that time Sharon wouldn’t let them plug the tracheotomy site any more. I realized in talking to the nurse it was on that same day Sharon appeared in my vision and let me know she did not want to return. I explained my experience and vision to the nurse. I wasn’t sure of what her reaction would be since we had been so adamant before we left about continuing all forms of therapy despite the lack of response or progress. She listened and honored our request to initiate a “Do Not Resuscitate Order.” The following week, we met with Sharon’s doctor, who agreed to our decision and signed the order.
We honored Sharon’s request she had made to Chris at Hanbleca. The TV in her room was moved so that she and her roommate, Sarah, could see the TV, although we had our doubts whether Sharon could even see since she did not focus and at one point after her accident the ophthalmologist had thought she was blinded by the accident. We placed her cat candle on the nightstand next to her, put up a new poster of kittens, and asked the head nurse at the rehabilitation center if there was any way she could possibly taste milk. The nurse said they could place some milk on her lips, but because of the tracheotomy, there would be no way for her to drink anything. We also brought back and placed in her room prayer ties from the Hanbleca site. We honored all her wishes and again placed our trust in our Hanbleca experience.