WHY DO THINGS GO WRONG IN SEX LIFE
Occasionally, sex problem arises during one’s lifetime, which is normal and acceptable. Instead of worrying about it, the person will do well by first analyzing the reason behind the problem.
If this book, had been written for living beings other than humankind, it would have been simple and easy. However, since this book is specifically written for us, humans, it is, therefore, imperative we cover every aspect leading to the cause of the problems.
Honestly, we human are very complex beings, psychologically and physiologically; lifestyle and behavior are dynamic and complex too. All these gives rise to extreme sexual problems in humankind. With our complex nature, we are the sole architect of our sexual problems.
When you ask your doctor, why do things go wrong in our sex life, the list, he may rattle off would be never ending and may lead you to a dead end sometimes. Man, with superior ability, behavior, civilisation, technological advancements, and lifestyle have never-ending reasons for his sexual problems. These never-ending reasons, give rise to our inability in finding the cause underlying the problems. The causes could be divided into physical, psychological and social. Physical inadequacy such as, vaginal pain during intercourse, effects of certain medicines, which could suppress the sexual desire in a person. Psychological disorder, such as past sexual trauma or feelings of inferiority or bad looks. Social factors such as economic conditions, quarrel with neighbors and stress related activities, are all reasons to lower one’s libido. Nevertheless, after years of research and monitoring and analyzing sexual problems in humankind, worldwide, mostly the following reasons have been found to be commonly associated with sexual problems in male and female, alike:
Decreased estrogens in women: During the onset of menopause estrogens level goes down in women. This is when the desire to have sex slowly diminishes. Other times in life too some women shows symptoms of low estrogens level. Generally, estrogens, with oxytocin, are responsible for the sex drive in women, their attractive and seductive looks, and their body language to attract men. Unfortunately, with age and childbirths estrogens level diminishes, making women less attractive and available to her partner. Ovaries in women produce estrogens. Only on reaching puberty does estrogens level shoots up in girls, bringing maturity and shaping her body, the cycle continues until menopause sets in.
Decreased testosterone in men and women: Testosterone is a hormone which apart from other functions, also influences a man in having desire for sex. With age the testosterone level, which triggers desire in men to have sex, keeps lowering with age causing less sex drive in them. This is why congenital disorder in the production of testosterone causes puberty failure in boys and later lack of interest in sex. Congenital disorder of the testes also causes low level of testosterone.
Testosterone is regarded as male sex hormone, but women too have a trace amount of this hormone. Women have three basic sex hormones produces in her ovaries and adrenal glands- estrogens, progesterone, and testosterone. Like men, with age these hormones depletes in women lowering her libido, showing signs of agitation and ageing. With lower sex hormones, women cannot catabolize her fat, making her obese or with higher fat deposit, loss of bone density as well as dryness in vagina.
Health of the partners: With good health comes good sex. However, if either partner is ill and suffering with diseases, sex does not turn out to be the way it should be. With ill health much is left to be desired to experience a blissful sex.
Ageing in men and women: We age in mind and not in body and I believe it so. Sexual problems in older men are attributed to their ageing process. To some extent, this may be true but the claim is exaggerated. When a man gets old, he should look back to the time he can remember his childhood. Let him analyze all what he did, his habits, his ways and the stressful life he led all these years. When a list is prepared of his activities since he was 18 until his old age now, he can see for himself, how he abused his body and stressed his mind. How he lived a life full of unpardonable sins in the form of food, alcohol, lifestyle and depriving himself of that good old sleep. He may have done all those mostly, which deprived his body and mind of healthy nutrients and rest. Briefly, he brought ageing on himself quicker than natural for him.
Fatigue due to household and office work or other activities: Many people commute for hours each day and work in situations, which are unfriendly and consuming. They work because they have to, they have no choice. Since they do not enjoy their work, the hours they spend working and commuting to and fro their place of work, makes them depressed or agitated. Such people lose interest in sex, because their mind is preoccupied with the thought of getting back to work the next day and starting the grind once again. As for women, especially with children, they shoulder a thankless responsibility of looking after the home as well as the children and their studies. It leaves them drained and with aches and pains. Household chores are demanding and so are children and their studies. Women lose interest in sex when stressed with planning their daily routine which starts from the evening for the next day.
Insomnia: Lack of sleep often affects sex drive in men and women. People who have poor sleep pattern complain of being too tired or sleepy. They are lethargic, unresponsive and listless at the time of making love. Sex does not bring them pleasure anymore.
Fright of performance: Sometimes men worry too much about their performance in bed, what if he fails to have an erection, if he ejaculates prematurely. I have myself spoken to people, who worry about such things before they go out on dates. The more you think the worst your problem become. Think, if you are healthy and able, erection will happen all by itself and you will enjoy sex normally.
Pregnancy/child birth/breast feeding in women: During the pregnancy, stage women are apprehensive about their pregnancy, the outcome and countdown is always at the back of their mind. The physiological changes in a woman’s body too waxes and wanes her libido. During the childbirth, the women are exhausted and lose much of their energy and nutrients leaving them famished and in need of vitamins, minerals, energy, strength, and reassurance from her loved ones and her partner of course. Breast-feeding too takes away much of the nutrients from her body. All these tells upon the woman mentally and physically, it is, therefore, natural for her to have a loss of interest in sex, albeit temporarily. With child or children, the attention of the wife is also divided and there is always less romance left between the partners after childbirth.
Psychiatric conditions in men and women: Some people are weak mentally, which is why they lose their reasons when under stress or the loss of their loved ones. Mentally they are so upset or derailed that sex is the last thing on their mind. Only psychiatric treatment may cure them of their illness.
Lack of vaginal lubrication: Due to low estrogens level there may be a dryness of vagina. Other causes could be tiredness, depression and various conditions leading to low sex drive.
Use of oral contraceptives in women: The possible side effect of using oral contraceptives in women is diminished sex drive or low libido and all related symptoms such as loss of interest and enjoyment of sex. Sex hormone binding protein (SHBG) attaches itself to the free circulating testosterone making it inaccessible to the cells in the body thereby decreasing the desire for sex.
Chemotherapy drugs: It has a retarding effect on sex. First the medication itself and second, the disease, which is painful as well as terminal.
Diabetes: Men and women, both suffer from sexual problems due to diabetes. In men, the sexual problems are with erection, due to the damage of nerves (neuropathy) or the blood vessels in the penis. Diabetes also hinders the production of nitric oxide, released in penis for a normal erection.
In women there could be dryness of vagina due to the damage of nerves and blood vessels. Pain during sex may also be due to yeast infection which thrives in the presence of high sugar. Diabetes reduces energy in the body thus, lowering sex drive in women.
In men as well as women, sexual activities uses large amount of energy due to which there may be a drop in the sugar level in the body. This needs to be kept in mind if either or both partners are diabetic and their sugar level drops beyond the healthy limits.
Hypertension: Hypertension is not a disease by itself, but a symptom of the existing disease in the body. Like all other diseases, hypertension too is the cause of low sex drive in men and women. It causes erection problem in men due to disturbed blood flow to the penis. The arteries may lose its elasticity thus, causing blockage in the blood supply to the penis resulting to erectile dysfunction. In women, it may lead to dryness of the vagina or painful intercourse.
Alcohol/drugs/tobacco abuses: The effect of these three ills is deadly and directly affects the sex drive in men; women, not ruled out. Addiction can ruin not only the sex drive in a person but himself too.
Vaginal infection: Mostly, the cause of low sex drive in women due to vaginal infection is depression. Having to live with infection makes a person depressed and lose interest in sex. Another cause is the pain associated with the infection. Good news is such infections are curable and the person can return to normal life.
Depression: Emotional factors, fall out with one’s partner, lack of trust, marital problems, misunderstandings and several factors that, may lead to depression is a cause for low sex drive in men and women.
Anxiety disorder: This mental disorder is mostly the reason for sexual problems in men and women. Undue anxiety or panic disorder leads to serious sexual dysfunction. Women are prone to panic disorder and therefore, have good reasons to lose their sex drive. Men in such situations may suffer from premature ejaculation.
Self-abuse: In any form, self-abuse always leaves its mark in your sexual life. If you ever self-abused yourself, which is mostly physical, you must try to find ways to get over it or at least find a cure for the ills it may leave you with. Disrespecting your body, in any way, is self-abuse. The term is broad and the effect, in many cases, everlasting.
Past sexual trauma/abuse: In cases where the person had a bad sexual experience, such as rape, molestation or sexual advances. Mostly children and women, the memory always haunts the person and sex becomes ugly and unpleasant. This is mostly, a mental condition and needs to be treated by a psychiatrist. The person needs to be reassured about the normal side to sex life and also needs to understand that there are always good as well as bad sides to most things in life. If something bad happened, it does not mean there is nothing good about it. Let the person talk to people about their sex life, how good they feel in having sex and explore the good side of sex.
Stresses: Stress is a big killer. If it does not kill, it takes away the joy from one’s life. Either way the person suffers. Stress is always related to fright. Fright of bad performance, timely work, keeping a promise and such other related happenings in life, always invites stress. Stress is a form of disease. If we invite stress into our lives, we are opening the gateway to diseases. Stress lets you into other forms of activities such as smoking, alcohol, anger, overeating or under eating. Nothing good ever happened with stress in our lives. If we use that much energy in redeeming the reason giving us that stress, we may be able to solve the problem as well as get back to living normally once the stress is gone. Even if we fail to solve the problem, stress may not help us in anyway. It is, therefore, wise for us to accept what may come and let the stress pass away.
Vaginal pain: There are several reasons to this problem, mostly being the fear of pain and therefore, the inability to relax the vagina. Undue contraction of the vagina is the cause of the pain, as well as certain fungal diseases like Yeast and infection.
Menopause: loss of libido during or after menopause is not only physical, but also mental. With the passing of years, women go through so many phases in her life. Routine life with day-to-day responsibilities as well as bringing up children. Family and partner problems and dealing with mundane tasks leaves her with little or no desire to have sex. Meanwhile, in so many years, being together, mostly husbands get used to their wives and life turns routine and each one takes the other for granted. Unless partners find ways to keep their marriage renewed, loss of libido in women is attributed to menopause only.
Spinal injuries: Nerve damage in the spine causes sexual dysfunction. There is a limited cure for this in the form of surgery.
Enlarged prostate gland: Pain and discomfort of prostate enlargement lowers the desire for sex in men. It is unfortunate, but true, with unhealthy lifestyle and no exercise, most men on reaching old age experiences prostate enlargement. In the management of prostate cancer, high level of estrogens is injected leading to a loss of sexual desire in men.
Antihypertensive, antihistamine, and psychotherapeutic drugs: If you are on any of these types of drugs, you may experience a loss of desire for sex. The symptoms generally vanish once you are out of those drugs. You may need to take plenty of fruit juices and water to clear your system of the toxic effect of these drugs in your body, specially the liver and the kidneys.
Endocrine disorders: Hypothyroid symptoms generally are associated with uneasy palpitation. This is due to the low secretion of thyroxin, sodium from your thyroid gland. The symptom itself makes the desire to have sex uncomfortable.
Diseases involving vital organs: Any disease connected with heart, lungs, kidney, and liver leaves the person with little or no energy to indulge in sex. The disease itself makes the person depressed and the mind is forever engaged with the thoughts of medicines, doctor’s advice and the anxiety of getting out of the dreaded disease. Pain and other symptoms of the diseases of the vital organs, are serious and sometimes unbearable at later stages; naturally, under such circumstances one cannot think of indulging in such vigorous sexual activity. Unfortunately, diseases of the vital organs lead to organ failure, of which the patient mostly is aware. In such cases, there is no point of return and there is no sex, the disease is terminal and will get worst with time.
Nerve damage: Nerve damage, unless serious and life threatening, lowers the sex drive, but there is not a complete loss of sex. Nerve damage is cured by surgery, as well as by prescription drugs. Your doctor may advise on this matter.
Blood supply and circulation problems: Bad blood circulation, bad sex life, is the simple theory. Blood supply to the penis, if blocked, such as high cholesterol deposit or hardening of the arteries (Atherosclerosis) may be the cause of sexual dysfunction and loss of erection in men. This is why, it is imperative men with bad blood circulation must do some physical exercise each day, while men with high cholesterol deposit must find ways, with the help of their doctors in reducing their cholesterol deposit in order to have a free flow of blood into their penis for a successful erection. The cause of many unsuccessful erections in men is due, to blocked arteries of the penis.
Genetic and birth defects: Some unfortunate children are born defective, sickly and with sexual deficiency by birth. Nothing much can be done to improve their conditions. With the advancement in science and technology, of course, to some extent certain deformities and genetic deficiencies could be rectified. Such facilities could be recommended by a good physician as well as finding it on the net and then seeking their advice and help or services for the cure, if any. Finding the names of other patients who may have underwent similar therapy or surgery and seeking their opinion is not a bad idea too.
Poor lifestyle or quality of life: When the income comes down while the expenses remain constant, when the bare facility of life cannot be met and when small things worry in life, sex is a past game for such people. People who keep awake until late night, sleeping less and partying or worrying more, they lose sex drive gradually. People who sleep less and live a sedentary life, generally age fast and by the time they reach middle age, they lose interest in sex or have premature ejaculation due becoming weak physiologically. Most men and women would prefer to eat diet rich in fat other harmful ingredients, such as sugar and butter, while away their time with friends or work till late night and indulge in unhealthy activities find themselves ageing very fast. People who respect their body and want to lead a healthy sex life until old age must change their lifestyle. Exercise, eat healthy, discipline their sleep pattern and become conscious of themselves, physically and mentally. A marked improvement in sex life can be achieved when life style changes for the good.
Urinary tract infection or any infection: This is uncomfortable and infection of any type drains a person out of his energy and pleasant feelings of life.
Obesity: Itself a disease, the cause may be over eating due to depression too. Obesity makes the movement of the person very limited, as well as makes them tired due to carrying the load of excess body weight with them. They feel depressed because of their physical looks, even though they may not accept this fact. All these transforms into low sex drive and a feeling of inadequacy in men as well as women. Very few people, with a determined mind, can shed their fat and return to becoming normal again. It is imperative, especially for the young, to shed their excess body fat if they want to enjoy life and live normally ever after. Obesity is also the cause of several other diseases. I suggest obese people to get to the gym and work out with weights and follow a strict and heavy weight regimen. The ultimate results will be a strong mind with a strong body. With this, there is no looking back with an added blissful sex life.
Anemia: Low blood quality as well as low blood production in the body leaves the person panting even after walking a short distance. Several reasons could be the cause of anemia. Generally, anemic people are sick people with low energy and an ability to perform active tasks. They get tired and drained very quickly. This leaves the person with little desire to participate in activity such as sex.
Unhealthy relationship: Animosity or disagreement between the partners could be a cause, so is infidelity. Whatever it may be, when either partner is into provoking or creating mistrust in the relationship, the other partner may not be in a mood to have sex or to do anything with the other. Sex between two people is made up of physical as well as mental bonding. Without mental bonding, in humans, sex becomes very animalistic and emotionless; between partners, sex dies down.
Lack of privacy: Mostly with children around, partners are unable to have a quiet time together; this gradually distances them, affecting their sex life. Sometimes, people live in joint family, where the presence of elders and others are felt all the time. It makes an uncomfortable atmosphere for any romantic moment. This is why people have better sex when they are on holiday and far from home and people. It makes sense to invest sometimes, in a short holiday or to be away from home for couples with children or elders, living with them.
Cancer and other terminal diseases: Terminal diseases not only affect the body, it affects the mind too. Such people know that they are going to last a few more months or years. This leaves them with a desire to clean their slates, put everything in order, and settle their account in this material world. Their mind does not function the way ours do. They think and act differently; their mind being occupied with the thoughts of leaving this world prematurely depresses them, even though they accept this fact.
Venereal diseases: Syphilis, gonorrhea and similar venereal diseases are a great deterrent to having sex. Venereal disease is contagious; cohabiting with a person already with the disease, is the cause of getting one. Children born of such parents are generically defective with birth defects and abnormalities. The medication for these conditions too adds to low sex drive.
Repulsive sex partner; When either of the partner in sex is repulsive, in looks, habits or for any reason, making love to such a person repeatedly becomes a burden and repulsive. Desire to have sex or even be near that person becomes a liability and undesirable.