Chapter Seventeen
When I got home from work the following day, Perithnea said, “They had to put Nuke in the infirmary. He’s thinking about committing suicide.”
“I need to speak to him.”
“They might not let you. They wouldn’t let me in.”
“I’m Counselor to the Board.”
“I’ll go see if they’ll let you in.” She quickly returned. “They’ll let you speak to him, but only briefly. If he gets too upset, they’re going to pull him back.”
Nuke’s sad and determined manner indicated he was seriously suicidal. He said, “What do you want of me?”
“Why do you want to die?”
“I hate myself for abandoning Candace and betraying Victoria, who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. I hate myself for breaking the barrier which prevented me from having emotions that are destroying me and preventing me from being able to work. Everyone will be better off without me.”
Nothing I said would change his mind. Again, he told me to leave him. He was in a protective environment and pushing too hard would only make matters worse, so I complied.
Hoping that she might be more effective than I had been in changing his mind, I called Candace and told her what was going on. She didn’t understand why he was suicidal and agreed to speak with him. I asked Marjie to allow Nuke to channel and held out the phone to him. He said, “What is this?”
“I want you to talk to the one person who might save your life.”
He snapped, “I doubt very much she wants to speak to me!”
“She just told me she does. She thinks you don’t want to speak to her.”After a few minutes of conversation, he left the phone dangling from its cord. I picked it up, but Candace wasn’t on the line. “What happened?”
“It now seems as if I will be ending two lives. She said if I am bonded to another she doesn’t want to live. I need to go back to the infirmary.”
“You didn’t tell her what you really want and need, did you.”
“How can I? I’m bonded to another.”
“All you have to do is to be honest with her and with Victoria.”
He grasped my arms. “Tell Candace I want her to be my everything, and she should open her arms to no other. Tell her to wait until I’m strong enough to tell her myself.”
When I called her, Candace promised to give him a few days to sort himself out before harming herself. Then she asked, “What about him being bonded to another?”
“That issue can be worked out if you give yourselves enough time.” She agreed.
Marjie was drained from channeling, but agreed to let me speak to 8. He angrily said, “Stay away from me!”
“I have good news.”
“Stay away! All of you stay away!”
“I just want to tell you something.”
“Stay away! You have betrayed me!”
A bit fed up with his anger, I said, “I’m not betraying you, you’re betraying me. I’m trying to help you. We’re all trying to help you. If that’s how little our friendship matters to you, go.” He did.
Sarah cried, “Something terrible wrong! Something awful wrong!”
“With Nuke?”
“Yes! They tied him down and he’s fighting. Why do they have him tied?”
“They’re probably trying to give him medicine.”
“They’re going to do more than that!”
“What do you mean?”
“They are going to change him! I don’t want him to change! I want 8 to stay the same!”
“Tell them that, Sarah.”
“They won’t let me in.”
“Try harder. Don’t let them change him permanently. Is Mother there?”
“Yes.”
“Speak to Mother.”
She cried, “Stop! Don’t do this now! Give him more time! Send him back to Sarah and Sound! We’ll take care of him!”
To anyone who was listening, I said, “We will receive him!” Marjie jerked back as if hit in the chest. I asked, “What happened?”
“I was kicked out.”
“Sarah and I asked that Nuke be sent to us.”
“He’s here.”
“Thank God!” I hugged her.
Sarah happily said, “Eight’s here, Sound.”
I was suddenly holding Nuke, who was weeping. I said, “I’m glad you’re here. You just stay here with us for a while and rest. Things are going to be alright. Believe me, they will get better.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. It would be a terrible thing for you to die now. Too many people love you and need you.”
“The medicine Mother gave me is beginning to work.”
“I spoke to Candace again. She isn’t going to commit suicide and she promised to give you time to get yourself together.”
“But what of Victoria?”
“Victoria wants you to be happy and won’t stand in the way.”
“Even now she tries to comfort me.”
“She always will. That’s just the way she is.”
“I do love her Pat. I love her as much as I can.”
“I know you do and she does too. She accepts that she can’t have more love than you can give her, and that’s all she expects.”
“I know.”
I suddenly remembered s pizza had been in the oven for too long and took it out. Overcome by guilt, Nuke fell to his knees. “Look, I ruined your dinner.”
I knelt and embraced him again. “Don’t worry about that, it’s not important.” We can still eat it.”
With a big smile, Victoria said, “America papa’?”
“Yes, Victoria?”
“I have been before the Brightest Light of All. I asked for the bond between Nuke and me to be severed, and it has been. Nuke is free to do what he really wants to do. Itch cannot lose Scratchit. Itch will always have a place in Scratchit’s heart and he will always have time for Itch. I love Candace, too. I would not stand in the way of their happiness. What have I lost? I have lost nothing. I have gained. I have experienced spiritual and physical love. I was allowed a form, and my itch has been satisfied. Do not weep, papa’. I am happy and you should be happy, too.” She withdrew.
I helped Nucleus to stand up and said, “Victoria got permission from Breath to dissolve your bond.”
He gave me a skeptical look. “I don’t know how she managed that. I’m tired and need to rest. May I go to my room?”
“Certainly. Call me if you need anything.”
I updated Marjie on the latest developments. Instead of eating the overcooked pizza, we went out for supper. When we sat down with filled plates from the Chinese buffet, Nuke asked, “Will it be alright if I join you?”
“Of course. I want you to know I had nothing to do with tying you down.”
“I don’t remember much about that.”
“I didn’t know they were planning to operate on your brain until Sarah came to your rescue and Mother sent you here. You can stay with us as long as you like.”
“I don’t see why you humans don’t starve. How can you stand to eat this awful stuff?” I could tell the meds were kicking in.
“It does take some getting used to.”
He glanced at the Chinese zodiac printed on his place mat. “All my life I have tried to be an ant, but I’m really a monkey. I can’t pretend to be an ant any longer. I’m not fit to serve.”
“If you were struck down by a strange virus that attacked your brain and incapacitated you for a fortnight, would you decide you should give up your position? Would anyone expect you to? No, they would pray for your recovery and for the day when you could return to your post to come quickly.”
“What if it’s a never-ending virus?”
“You don’t have a never-ending virus. I know you will get better.”
My optimism was confirmed a few hours later when he said, “The medications we have are really wonderful. I’m feeling much better. Do you still have the same reservations about Candace?”
“Your love for her is so deep and strong you have to follow through with it, no matter what I think about her. If you don’t, you’ll be miserable. Candace likes to create intense feelings in herself and in others even though she complains about them.”
We were back at the house when he said, “Would you mind reading the cards for me?”
I removed the Tarot cards from the scarf Candace had wrapped them in and draped it over his shoulders. Feeling her traces, Nuke bowed his head. I handed him the cards and said, “Put your essence into them.”
He shuffled them for a moment before turning over the top card. “Read the interpretation.”
“The Ace of Pentacles represents new beginnings and that something you thought was lost will return. Something you thought was dead will come back to life. A relationship you thought was over will resume. You will have wealth and good fortune and new growth in all areas of your life.
I said, “God is telling you not to give up hope. All will be well. You just have to give yourself enough time to get over this depression.”
“I’m not sure about these things.”
“Depression distorts your perception of yourself and makes everything seem like a hopeless waste. Depression is the source of your self-loathing and your feelings of futility. I once thought my life was totally worthless and should end.”
“Did you put the vial to your lips, as I did?”
“No, but many times I thought of driving my car into a bridge abutment to make it look like an accident. I also knew I had to give myself time to recover. When I got over being depressed, I went on to do better things than I ever expected.”
“Now you enjoy the thrill of counseling depressed aliens, neurotic aliens, and the spirits of aliens. You have really come up in the world.”
I laughed. “I also get to go on wonderful, mysterious adventures and learn marvelous things. I’m still growing, learning more about who I am and what I am, and so are you. It’s alright if your identity has been partially shattered. It’s time for you to form a new one. What you are going through partly happened because you have tried to live up to your mother’s impossible expectations. She warned you long ago that if you allowed yourself to have feelings you were going to get into deep trouble, didn’t she?” He nodded. “And now it seems as if her predictions are coming true. She rejected you for having feelings and you feel guilty because you do, but she was wrong. How could you expect to deal with powerful emotions you buried for 4700 years without making some mistakes? It’s impossible. God created both halves of you, the reasoning half and the emotional half, so that you could learn to integrate them. He wants you to become a complete person.”
Nuke wept in my arms while I prayed, “I AM, please restore the balance that Nuke needs between emotion and reason. Help him to resolve the differences between them so he can live without internal conflict. Help him to receive Your forgiveness so that he will not hate himself for having flaws, because all of us are flawed. Thank You for looking after us, and for correcting our mistakes.”
Nuke stopped crying after a few more minutes and said, “Can we take a walk?”
We started, and Marjie quickly took his place. We saw the nearby lights of seven vessels in various locations. She said, “I feel a big ship is nearby, but I can’t tell exactly where.”
Nuke channeled again and I said, “Look at all your friends.”
He gasped, “I feel trapped. I can’t breathe! Make them go away!”
I yelled, “Back off! Back off! He’s in good hands! We appreciate your help, but give him space!” The ships rapidly moved away until out of sight. His breathing eased and I said, “You’re safe with us. You don’t have to do anything except rest.”
“I don’t think anyone cares for Nuke the way you do.”
“You would be surprised to know how many others really care for you. You’re family and there will always be a place for you here. Tuck yourself down inside Marjie and let her comfort you.” He did. I said to her, “I had to tell the ships to back off.”
“That mother ship I felt has moved a long way off to the west.”
“He told me he put a vial of poison to his lips before the medical staff restrained him.”
Suddenly tearful, she said, “What would I do without him? I’ll give him all the love I can and the children will, too.”
We were back in the house when Nuke emerged. I said, “There was a faery on your shoulder just a moment ago, and I saw two others.”
He smiled. “They are such good caregivers.”
“They all love you.”
“It’s time for my sedation.”
“Are you going to bed?”
“Yes.” I pulled back the covers and he sat on the bed. “Is it story time yet?”
“Yes it is.”
“Do you mind reading a story to a sad little boy?”
“I especially like reading to sad little boys. It helps to cheer them up.”
“I hope so.”
Channeling 8, Marjie put her head in my lap. I stroked her hair and read a passage from Spirit Walker in which Dr. Wesselman describes feeling at one with all life in the jungle around him, with the Tree of Life, and with the stars of heaven. It was totally relevant to Nuke’s frame of mind. He said, “I really like this book.”
“Breath is speaking to you through it.” He gently sobbed for a few moments and began to softly snore. I put the book aside and he said, “I’ll try not to disturb her in my sleep.”
“You’re safe and all will be well.” For perhaps an hour I hummed hymns to soothe him to sleep. It felt good to do what his mother and father had not done when he really was a sad little boy.
Nuke was better in the morning but still not steady on his feet, and that evening he was a little paranoid about so many ships being in the vicinity. When he expressed his feelings, they moved to the horizon, with the exception of two brightly flashing strobe lights, one directly in front of the other, which were approaching us at a low altitude.
I said “That guy really knows what he’s doing. He’s not wavering at all.”
“There are two of them. It does my heart good to see two real professionals.” In unison, they jogged slightly to one side. “Did you see that?” he asked.
“It was a very precise maneuver.”
“They dodged an energy beam directed at them from one of your satellites. They’re also producing a rather nice sound.” We heard a high-pitched, howling tone combined with the roar of a jet engine, like the Navy’s now obsolete Phantom.
Nuke contentedly worked until bedtime on the sketch he was making of himself and Candace. I complimented him on a day that included several periods of enthusiasm and excellent concentration. He said, “I can’t remember what triggered my depression. Was it because of the critical letter Candace wrote?”
“You had several other disappointments before that, such as her exterminating your embryos, spending the night with Rapsar, rejecting Board membership, and a lot of inconsistency. We helped her to get rid of John and then she invited more dark spirits to enter her life.”
“That’s true. I wish I could feel what I think I should be feeling, now that she has said how much she loves me. Will my feelings return?”
“Yes.”
Just before bedtime the following night I went out for a last look at the stars. Directly above our house was a huge and motionless circular cloud. Its center was much less dense than the edges, like a big doughnut in the sky. A column of white vapor radiated away from the center of the circle. Headfirst and beside, but not touching the doughnut, was another huge, teardrop-shaped cloud. The entire composition reminded me of an insect’s body without legs. When Nuke looked at the sketch I made he said, “It’s a mother ship. They’re staying close.”
In the morning Marjie said, “Why is Nuke so upset? He’s trying to hide his feelings, but he’s trembling inside.”
“Alta Sha said he’s still fragile. I should talk to him.”
“He’s here.”
“How are you doing today?”
“I must confess that in addition to the tampering with my implant code, there were other things happening within me before this depression occurred that are still going on. I’m very unhappy with my lack of emotional control. I wish that I had never gotten in touch with my emotions. If I could go back in time and prevent it, I would never have met you.”
“You wanted to find the lost memories of your life before we met, and sooner or later, you would have found out just how unpleasant your childhood was and how you felt about it. The conspirators forced you to forget your early life and your feelings about it. In order to defeat them, you had to know the truth. I‘m just one of the instruments that I AM has used to reveal the awful facts. Instead of forgetting about them, I think we should deeply explore your emotions. Until you understand and accept them, you will be at their mercy.”
“I don’t think I can take too much emotion right now. It sounds unpleasant.”
“If an emotion gets too strong, you can back away from it. We can approach them through the hallway of doors.”
With some reluctance, Nuke quickly entered a trance and found the appropriate door. “The room is full of typed letters representing incomplete ideas and wasted thoughts. I see my mother, and I wonder why she had children at all. She is bringing four other children to me. She has put them in my lap, and is disappearing.”
“What is her feeling toward these children?”
“Complete indifference. Giving birth to them was just another task, and she left it to someone else to take care of them.”
“Look for the mother you so badly needed.”
“All I can feel right now is a pain in my stomach.”
“Follow the pain to the time and place when it began.”
“I have found it. This is a lifetime in which I am ill. There are people around me. Some are family and some are not.”
“Is your mother there?”
“Yes. She is standing in the shadows.”
“What is she feeling about you?”
“She despises me. I was produced by an unwanted invasion of her body. She has hated me all of my life.”
“Can you see her clearly?”
“She is in the shadows.”
“What is the source of your illness?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if she had something to do with it.”
“Enter her mind and learn what her attitude toward you is.”
“She’s chanting death wishes.”
“Step back from that lifetime. Find one in which your mother truly loved you, encouraged and cherished you.”
“I have found her.”
“Remember, slowly and in detail, your infancy, your boyhood, your adolescence, and her influence on your choices of a career, a mate, and becoming a parent.”
“I feel a barrier. I can’t quite make a connection with this mother.” He paused.
“Even though I know she is mine and she is good, something holds me back.”
“Is the barrier between you, or within you?”
“Within me.”
“Repeat to yourself, No barriers are allowed here. I want this barrier to go away!”
He repeated my words several times, but without conviction. I demanded, “No barriers will be allowed! No darkness will be allowed! Fill yourself with Light.”
He said, “I didn’t get the barrier completely down, but I came close, didn’t I?”
“Very close. Now you know that a barrier exists and needs to be eliminated. I want you to look deeply into the eyes of the mother who loved you and realize who she is in this lifetime.”
“I know her! This is no stranger! I won’t trouble you any longer tonight, Pat.” He withdrew.
It was getting late. Marjie said, “I’m tired. I just want to sleep.” Instead of sleeping, she tossed and turned until she finally said, “Nuke keeps dreaming of that lifetime with his mother. Why does he have to do this through me? Why can’t he just go back to the Station and let me sleep?”
“He considers us his only family. He doesn’t want to be alone.”
Nuke grasped my arm and desperately said, “Please don’t make me go.”
“I have no intention of making you go. What are you feeling?”
“Frustration.”
“We need to do a little more work, Nuke.”
“You have to go to work tomorrow. You need your rest.”
“I want to help you with this. Will you cooperate?”
“Very well.”
“Go back to the hallway of doors. There is another one you have to open that has something to do with the barrier.”
“I only see one door. It’s the same one I entered before.”
“Father, we ask for insight, understanding and wisdom that will help 8 dissolve this barrier. Go through and tell me what you find.”
“I see my mother.”
“What do you see when you look into her eyes?”
“I have to stop this. Please don’t make me do this.”
“Why not?”
“You’re going to destroy me!”
“What do you see, Nuke?”
“I see my mother and she is preparing to scream at me. If she does so, it will destroy me.”
“Then let’s look for your other mother, the one we call Light Mother. Have her come to you. Is she there?”
“Yes.”
“Who do you suppose has the most power?”
“Light Mother.”
“And she is there to help you.”
“I want to crawl inside of her.”
“Then do so. Crawl inside.”
“I cannot.”
“She is there to hold you, to protect you, and to comfort you. Look deeply into your natural mother’s eyes and tell me what you see.”
“An absurdity. She birthed me without any feeling at all. The lack was not in me. She threw away the greatest treasure of all. She threw me away, the best!”
“She missed the point entirely, didn’t she?”
“Yes. She is the one to be pitied, not me. She is the one who lacks. She doesn’t even know what a treasure is.”
“No, because she lacks the emotion needed to appreciate it. You said the letters you saw were a waste. What made them a waste?”
“They made no sense.”
“They made no sense because they had no direction.
Emotions of passion and caring give us direction, places to go, things to do, and a reason for doing them. Without desire or love, nothing we do has any real value at a personal level. It’s all wasted action.
“Find the mother who really cared for you. When you have found her, go all the way back to the time before you were born, when she carried you in her womb. Are you there?”
“Yes.” He swallowed several times.
“What do you feel?”
“It’s so clean. Everything is so clean.”
“Can you feel her love for you?”
“Yes. I feel warm, secure, serene, loved. I feel all those things.”
“You hear the beat of her heart. You hear the sound of her voice. I want you to sleep in her womb. I want you to rest and rest and rest and sleep the sleep of unborn babies until it is morning. Can you do that?” He nodded. “Marjie will sleep the same way that you sleep, comfortable, loved, and at peace.” He cuddled against me like a baby.
In a subsequent telephone call, Candace told Nuke he had a brother named Christian who was living with Nuke’s parents on Orsis, also called the Crystal Planet. He said, “I’m stunned to hear he’s living with my parents. Apparently they are not as cold toward him as they were toward me.”
Nuke asked to have another session. I prayed for guidance and protection before saying, “I want you to visualize Candace and to travel with her to Christian’s home.”
“She questions the wisdom of this move.”
“Will going there cause harm to anyone?”
“No. I want to go.”
“Tell me what’s happening.”
“She’s leading me into a kind of spinning vortex… The farther we go, the older and smaller she becomes. She’s bent over, but I’m not affected that way. I don’t understand this.
“We are on Christian’s home planet. We have entered an archway and are travelling down a passage. Candace is bending over more and more. We have come to a gate. She wants me to wait here while she goes into the doorway beyond. She transformed into another shape. I am not attracted to this form.” He blocked the sight of it with a raised hand.
“Has your form changed?”
“No. I see Christian. He looks a great deal like me.”
“What do you feel toward him?”
“I feel nothing.”
“What is his attitude toward you?”
“One of patience. He is waiting to see what I will do next.”
“Do you want to have a brother, Nuke?”
“That might be nice. I haven’t considered it before. I have many, very intense emotions. I don’t know how to label them.” His head rolled from side to side as his face assumed different expressions.
“If it’s what you want, say out loud, I would like to have a brother.”
“I feel as if I cannot say it.”
“If you want a brother, you have to say it.’”
He struggled to form the words and finally said, “I would like to have a brother.”
“Say it louder.”
“I would like to have a brother.”
“What’s his reaction?”
“He’s extending his arms for an embrace. I feel frozen. I am terrified!”
“Your terror is a barrier that you need to tear down. If you want him for a brother, accept his embrace.”
“I have gone forth, but I feel terror. I am within him. I feel completely frozen, very stiff. I’m terrified!”
“I want you to relax.”
“I can’t. I’m frozen.”
I sat on the bed beside him, stroked his hair, and prayed, “Father, grant this one peace and serenity. Help him to relax and to accept the love that his brother is offering. Help him to accept his feelings.” To Nuke I said, Remember how you felt in your mother’s womb the other night?” He nodded and gradually relaxed, looking serene. “Are you still within your brother?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Wonderful. Enjoy your feelings and realize that this is your brother!” An expression of delight appeared on his face.
“What feelings does he have?”
“He’s at peace. He is calm, confident, clear, excellent.”
“And what does he feel for you, Nuke?”
“Acceptance.”
“What you feared hasn’t occurred. He accepts you just as you are.”
“But I still have these feelings of fear.”
“Don’t let them stop you from experiencing pleasure. You were trained to fear your family by someone who did not have your best interests at heart.”
“We are beginning to spin, faster and faster.”
“Do you feel threatened?”
“No.”
“Then go with it.” A few moments passed.
“It is subsiding.”
“You were dancing together. Now how do you feel about having Christian for a brother?”
He smiled. “I am very happy with him.”
“Do you wish to do more?”
“Christian indicates this is enough for now. Please take me to where you know I want to be.”
“Image Candace’s cottage and find yourself there.” He smiled and was gone.
“Wow!” Marjie said. “That was something! I wouldn’t have missed that for anything. He was truly terrified and got amazingly stiff, but then he felt so good when he was spinning with Christian! He’s with Candace now and is having a good cry. She’s comforting him.” Marjie was tired but not drained of energy, and I was glad.
The following evening Nuke said, “Perhaps all this self-searching is not a good idea. I can’t afford to explore the possibility that I was shaped and manipulated to become what I am. If I discovered that such a thing is true, it would quite literally destroy my physical form. For a hybrid to conclude that you are not what you believe yourself to be means you have no identity at all, and therefore you will disappear.”
“I have trouble