Chapter Eighteen
Nuke reclined on the sofa and said, “I am unfit to return to my duties. I’m too emotional. I have let too much of my human side come to the surface. I don’t spend a decent amount of time at my System anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Adam functions so well that it’s unnecessary. There is no protocol. There are no demands. I can do as I wish. It’s so frustrating!.”
“When I needed to find a new purpose to give my life meaning, I asked for guidance and I AM provided. All you have to do is ask.” I prayed aloud that I AM would supply Nuke with a task to keep him busy and help him feel worthwhile. “What is happening?”
“I see the Old Wise One.”
“Wonderful! What is He doing?”
“He is asking me if I would like to create a star map. It would be quite a challenge.”
“There you have it.”
“Now he’s pulling emotions from me.” Nuke shook his head and grimaced, resisting the emotions. “I cannot allow this. I must resist.”
“Nuke, the Board serves under the Creator of All. He does not wish to annihilate you. You are His loyal servant. He is not going to throw you away. Trust Him.”
“But it is so ingrained in me to distrust!”
“Someday you must learn to trust in Breath.”
“Perhaps I don’t have the faith that you do. I am clamping down on my feelings, trying to keep them under control.”
“And now what do you see, Nuke?”
“A void.”
“What is on either side of the void?”
“Light shades of color and then another band of the void.”
“Breath asked you to experience your feelings. You chose not to and now you see another void. Is the void what you choose? When we first talked about the Creator, you asked your System for information about Him and were surprised by how much was available. What did you learn?”
“I learned that there was a great deal of Nuke that was missing.”
“Did you not learn that He could be trusted?” He struggled with emotion. “Listen to Him. Let Him help you.”
“He is suggesting that I direct my anger.”
“Good.”
“I will seal you and Star One. No harm will come to you.”
“I know. Follow His lead.”
“He is showing me where to direct my anger.” I waited while he silently did that. “Now he is calling forth my pain.”
“You don’t need this pain. He wants you to give it to Him.”
“There is so much of it, it will destroy me!”
“God will not destroy you. Give it to Him. It holds you back.”
He sobbed forcefully as his back arced in agony and choked out, “I have to do it a little at a time.”
“That’s fine. Do only what you can. He accepts you just as you are. If you want to hang onto your pain, you can. He will still use you.”
He kept on crying. I got down on my knees and embraced him, saying, “Give Him your pain. He only wants to help you. Breathe in His love. Breathe in the rainbow.”
His sobbing continued for about five minutes before he was able to relax and said, “He has revealed my past to me. He showed me all of this life and many of my past lives. He showed me all of my mistakes, failures, and disappointments. He showed me the lives I should direct my anger towards, and what questions I should ask. I am not annihilated!”
Thrilled by his exuberance, I said, “Of course not! You are the hybrid He has chosen to break the mold! All things are possible with Breath. He will not annihilate those who love and serve Him.”
“Breath knew it would annihilate me if I knew the truth first and then experienced the pain, so He called forth my pain, and after I realized the pain would not annihilate me, he showed me the truth. There is no way I can repay my debt to Him. When I tried to express my gratitude all He said was that the gift was already mine.”
“You can show your appreciation by expressing His love to others.”
Like a little boy, he wistfully asked, “Will you read a story to me tonight?”
“I’ll be very happy to.” I sat beside him. He put his head in my lap. I stroked Marjie’s hair, her back and her arms and visualized him filled with the beautiful Light of I AM. Once more, he fell asleep as I read.
In the morning Victoria exclaimed, “Scratchit is going to be alright!”
“Yes. It’s great news. I love you.”
“I love you too, America papa’. It’s time for you to go to work.”
Nuke showed me the star map he had started and said, “I began with the sector closest to the Station. Headquarters is situated near a solar system in which there are several central suns surrounded by a cluster of planets which rotate around all of them. The Station is conveniently located approximately one light year away from that system, which allows us to use the resources of its uninhabited planets.
Around nine o’clock we called Candace, who said her business was booming, but complained she had injured her shoulder while changing a flat tire. Nuke told her about the Old One showing him the truth, and said that Christian would be included among the other hybrids who would be assembled when it was time for them to also be enlightened. He had still not decided if he wanted more contact with his parents.
When it was nearly time to assemble the hybrids, Sarah said 2400 of them would be present. I asked Nuke, “How are you going to let them experience their pain before they learn the truth?”
“Mother and others like her are in charge of that part.”
“Will I be allowed to attend?”
“You would not be able to withstand the intensity of energy and emotion that will be discharged.” I had no trouble with that decision. If Nuke could destroy things with his anger, what could 2400 like him do?
Nuke and I had done some healing work to help a hypnotherapist, who accepted our invitation to spend a few days in the cottage. The three of us were talking about our work with children when I said to 8, “I know you have cared a great deal for the children you have taught, but I have the impression you didn’t express much physical affection.”
“That’s true. The grays were the most affectionate ones. They would sometimes look up at me and take my hand, but there was never a lot of touching and hugging and that sort of thing. I suppose my size made it difficult for them.”
“Through trance, Paul wants to explore the complete lack of parental affection you experienced.”
“If I allow those emotions to surface, they could destroy me. There is circuitry in my body designed to prevent me from feelings that are too intense.”
“I AM protected you the last time you became aware of your emotions. He will protect you again if you choose to explore them.”
“Alright, I will attempt it, but I warn both of you not to touch me.” He was quickly entranced.
Paul said, “Go to the first time you felt abandoned by your mother.”
Nuke said, “I am in her womb. I feel safe, warm, and secure in here, but a change is taking place. Something is squeezing. Something is holding me tight. I can’t see.”
“Go through the birth process.”
“Now it’s too bright! I don’t like all this light. It’s too much. I’m lying on something hot and it’s burning my skin. This is very difficult. I remember the warmth I felt, and compared to this, it’s a terrible loss. Something is terribly wrong. Where is the embrace I should receive? Is that what the change means, that from now on I will be embraced by burning? I’m leaving my body. I can’t stand the pain.”
I knew he was about to be rescued and urged him to proceed until he sensed his body again. “I feel something cold pouring on me. It’s freezing! Now I feel something rough touching and rubbing me. It’s warm and solid. I don’t like the way it feels. Someone is trying to put something in my mouth. I don’t like it. They keep putting it back in my mouth. It’s big. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with it. Now they are putting liquid in my mouth. It tastes strange. I don’t like it. It’s bitter. Everything is dark again.”
“Go forward to the next memory of being in your body.” I suggested.
“I am bound. My arms and legs are wrapped in something and I can’t move them very well. The only thing free is my head. I’m struggling, tossing my head from side to side.”
“Go forward to an event which made you have emotions.”
“I see Old Thing. He is reaching out to embrace me. Why has no one ever done this before? Why has no one ever embraced me?” He was weeping profusely. “Why? Why didn’t I have a mother?”
Paul told him to ask his birth mother those questions. Nuke plaintively asked, “Why didn’t you hold me? Why didn’t you embrace me?”
The emotions weren’t being expressed as intensely as needed, and wanting to strengthen them, I reached out to embrace him like Old Thing had done. He drew back his arm as if to hit me, and I jerked my hand back. “I warned you not to do that!”
“I’m sorry. I forgot. I was trying to help you intensify that feeling. Ask Old Thing again, Why did no one show me love? Why did no one embrace me?” With repetition, his emotions intensified.
Nuke said, “Old Thing says there are certain things that must not be spoken of. Old Thing is drawing out my feelings.” He sobbed for a while, then pulled himself together and asked, “Are we finished now?”
I said. “There is more to be done, but we have done enough for one night. There is one more thing you can do for yourself, though. Go back to that birth experience and give that infant the love he didn’t receive.”
“What? You mean I can love myself as a baby?”
“Yes. It’s very important for you to do that. Give all the love you have to give to the part of yourself that needed love and didn’t get it. No one can be a better parent to yourself than you.”
“I can do that,” Nuke said. He silently complied with my suggestion, and we all said goodnight.
In the morning Nuke said, “I am still rocking my baby. I have not yet reached the bottom of my affection for this inner child. Should I be concerned?”
“No. The Creator provides an inexhaustible supply of love.”
“Thank you for reassuring me. I was getting a little concerned that I loved my child too much.”
Nuke and I also explored experiences with mothers in other lifetimes. In one instance, he had entered a doorway that would lead to his true self and asked me, “Do you want me to verbalize this?”
“It needs to be verbalized. I won’t think any less of you. Let yourself experience who you really are inside.”
“Deception. Facade. Role-playing. Living up to others’ expectations, and especially my own.”
“Who is behind the façade?”
He began to weep. “A frightened little boy. I’m afraid, afraid of everything and everybody.”
“Experience the scared feelings of the little boy.”
“I want to hide!”
“Then hide. Fully experience hiding. Hide yourself very well.”
“No one can see me. I can’t even see myself.”
“Be in that place where no one can find you and you are feel safe. Experience it fully and for as long as you like. Experience being safe and hidden for a long, long time. What is it like to be alone and hidden for so long?”
“I can be the leader. We can play by my rules. If someone doesn’t want to play by my rules, then they can’t play.”
“But how can you play, if no one can see you?”
“Sight is not the most important sense. It is the least important. I have other senses, and use them more than sight.”
“So you can work without sight, but you sit before a monitor. Why do you do that?”
“It’s what others expect me to do.”
“So you don’t need to see what is on the screen.”
“I could have the System verbalize it.”
“But you aren’t completely hidden. You want your influence to be felt, even if others can’t see the real you. What experiences made you so afraid?”
“So many have walked away from me. I am seeing their backs as they walk away.”
“How does that feel?”
“They are abandoning me. I did the best I could! I guess it wasn’t good enough for them, but what I did was good! I did my best!”
“Fully experience the feeling of being walked away from, abandoned and rejected.”
“I see my mother in this life. I see her depositing me on the ground and walking away. She took one look at me and she hissed and she spat at me and she walked away! Why did she do that? Was I so ugly?”
“It wasn’t your appearance that repelled her. It was necessary for her to abandon you so you would become what the conspirators wanted you to be.
“Find the time and place before this life when you and your mother agreed to act out these roles.” He nodded. “Why did you agree to this?”
“I wanted to have a life of uncertainty, where none of the outcomes were predictable. It’s such a heavy burden to bear! Why did my life have to be so long? Why did I have to carry this for so long? What a price to pay!”
“What better way could there be to create a life of uncertainty than to have your mother totally reject you at birth and leave you on the burning sand, as if she didn’t care if you died? Now I want you to experience your innermost self as you truly are.”
“There is nothing wrong with me!”
“That’s right. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are a child of God. Say, I am a child of God.”
“I am a child of God.” I told him to repeat it several times, with increasing conviction.
“Good. Do we need to do more?”
“I need to learn to love myself and to do nice things for myself.” We ended on that note.
With each new phone call I became more irritated with Candace’s inconsistencies, although they were quite congruent with Nuke’s desire to live a life of uncertainty. After another such conversation I said to Marjie, “I don’t think I should talk on the telephone with Candace again.”
Now she was irritated and said, “Why not?”
“What she says to me about her experiences and her plans and what she says to Nuke about them are very different. I’d rather not know about that, because it may be distorting my perception of her, and I’d rather not be in the middle. I’m ready to work with Nuke if he is.”
Alta Sha replied, “Perhaps you would like to work with me.”
I smiled. “Certainly. What did you have in mind?”
He sternly said, “You seem to have forgotten the words of Breath that Candace is good for Nucleus. You are trying to maintain control over their relationship and to place limits on it, which you have no right to do. One of my assignments is to see to it that you do not interfere.”
“She already hurt Nuke quite deeply on one occasion. You said her perception of things is quite distorted due to childhood traumas. You also said Nuke is not far from thoughts of suicide, and I want to protect him from that. Being lied to again by Candace will definitely hurt him, and if he is hurt, I am hurt. I think there’s a significant potential for another major disappointment, which I’m not sure Nuke could tolerate.”
“Breath is telling you now that Candace is not a threat to Nucleus. She is good for him. There is a great deal that you will all learn from her. You are not to allow your perceptions to interfere in the relationship or to stand in the way of progress.”
“You know I am not one to stand in the way of progress. If they are meant to be together I certainly don’t want to interfere. You told me to be gentle with Nucleus. I am trying to be gentle with him. I don’t want to have to stay awake until two in the morning again dealing with the consequences of her behavior.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Who is his protector?”
“Breath, of course.”
“And who is your protector?”
“Breath. I know He takes all these things into account. Therefore, I’m not going to worry about it any longer. I will rely on Him and on Nuke’s own spirit to guide the work, but my interior voice, which you have encouraged me to consult, keeps telling me to be very cautious where Candace is concerned. Are you angry with me?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry if it bothers you for me to be who I am.”
“I AM trusts you and Nucleus without reservation. His trust of you is pure. You are human. Your trust in others is therefore flawed, but this does not prevent you from doing the work of I AM. Continue to do His work.”
Alta Sha, speaking for I AM, had told me to provide a small dwelling for visitors who would come seeking spiritual enlightenment, and we had purchased a mobile home for that purpose, placing it about 50 yards away from our house. Nuke was invited to use it as his home away from home and took great pleasure in helping to choose furnishings for it. Although he was still recovering from serious wounds caused by an American laser weapon, Nuke was behaving as if he were completely healed. I was concerned for his welfare and said, “I think you should take it easy until you know what you’re able to do without working too hard at it.”
He walked across the room with almost no tremor and dressed in the clothes Marjie intended to wear to an appointment. He then applied her makeup and proudly declared, “I’ve got rhythm!”
Following his cue, I replied in song, “Who could ask for anything more? Don’t forget that you’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress in the past few months. Take it easy.”
“It has been a rather frustrating time.”
“There have been many emotional ups and downs, surprises and disappointments. Even without the injuries, your nervous system has had a great deal to manage.
“I’m very impressed with your progress.”
“We have places to go, people to see, and things to do,” he joked.
Candace claimed that her business was doing very well, but she was ready to come south for the winter. Donna was pressuring her to spend the entire season in Atlanta. I reminded Candace that Donna’s implant had been removed because of her involvement in altering a code which had caused the death of 72 individuals. Donna had also been doing her best to convince Candace that Marjie and I were bad influences! We offered Candace the use of the new trailer under very generous terms, and she eagerly accepted.
After the call, Nuke said, “She told me she doesn’t want to have any contact with Mother at all and told me to remove her implant. She’s afraid that Mother or some other person might try to influence her against her will. When I told her removal of the implant would eliminate further contact with me, she said to forget it. I also said if she thinks Mother is doing bad things to her, it isn’t so. I told her that Mother is so far beyond the Board and so vast that she is certainly not under our control and we are privileged to have her office at the Station.”
A day or two later, Nuke asked me to read a 27 page letter from Candace saying she needed a loan of $2300.00 in order to come to the States, completely negating her earlier claims that her business was booming. She also wanted Marjie to help her with moving arrangements and to accompany her on the return trip in Candace’s car. She complained again of depression and suicidal impulses she found hard to resist, blaming them on the influence of dark spirits.
Because Alta Sha had insisted that Candace was good for Marjie and Nuke, I felt obligated to support their relationships in spite of my strong reluctance to loan a substantial sum to a proven liar, to pay travel expenses, and to be left alone for an unspecified amount of time while Candace enjoyed the pleasure of their company.
Nuke said, “I think you should cut your ties with Candace if you’re uncomfortable with loaning her the money. If my being here is going to create worry or stress, I’ll go back to the Station.”
I decided consider the expenses as an investment in everyone’s spiritual growth, although it wasn’t clear to me how I could benefit from this arrangement. It made Nuke so happy, he repeatedly shook my hand and acted like a little boy opening his Christmas presents.
On the fifth day after her departure, Marjie and I were speaking on the phone when Nuke asked Candace to tell me about an important event. She said, “Eight and I went to the Station to have a meeting with Mother and told her it was our intention to bond forever. Sarah fetched the bonding blanket, and the purple Light of Breath was shining all around when Mother placed it over us. It felt absolutely wonderful. Nuke invited Marishka, Moussa, and Christian to the wedding celebration. They were transported in a medical craft because of his father’s poor health. Nuke eloquently offered to start their relationship anew. Even though Marishka made biting and sarcastic remarks the whole time she was with him, Nuke was a master of restraint. He suggested that she visit with some other tall grays like herself. After she left, he knelt before his father and asked if he could put his head in his father’s lap to be stroked. His father said yes.” Nuke’s father was rejuvenated during his visit, and Marishka’s behavior showed major improvement.”
Soon after Marjie and Candace arrived from Canada, Nuke said, “I am happier than I ever thought I could be! The only thing I have to worry about is my anger. I can’t show any, or Candace gets very frightened. I’m learning to control it.” Nevertheless, in spite of Nuke’s best efforts, Candace’s ambivalence continued and their relationship remained stormy. He often sought my advice about it, which did only reinforced my negative impression of her character.
Candace had been with us for a week or so when I said to Nuke, “She told me she would bring enough money to see her through the first three months, which was one of the main reasons why I gave her the loan, but she hasn’t said one word to me about honoring her commitments and hasn’t offered to pay for anything.” He said she didn’t have any money to offer me, which didn’t come as a huge surprise. I continued, “ She also said she would be here for ten days before going to visit her children in Florida and would come back, but apparently she doesn’t have the money to go. What bothers me most is that she isn’t being honest with me.”
Alta Sha urged me to speak to her about it, so I sat down with her to review our arrangement. The foul odor of her breath was so strong I almost gagged, and although I kept my distance, it seemed to enter the pores of my skin. I struggled to suppress my revulsion while I calmly confronted breaking her promises to me and hiding lack of money. I also asked how she intended to support herself if she was planning to live in the cottage,
She first said she expected to rent out the apartment above her shop in Kensington for income. Then she said the shop was not making enough money to pay its bills and she might go back to Canada, fire her helper, and live in the apartment herself in order to lower expenses. I said she could remain as our guest until she went to visit her children, and if she was prepared to pay the electric bills on the trailer and make the promised loan payments, she could return.
I added, “We invited you to come here in order to bring you and Nuke together, to help Marjie develop her psychic abilities, and to get some answers about the Vikings’ connection with Native Americans. I think we should try to figure out how you can afford to stay.” It seemed that the air had been cleared between us, and I went back to the house.
A short while later, Marjie said, “She’s getting ready to run. Nuke confronted her inconsistencies. She told him she missed John and wanted him back in her life. He told her John was not welcome here, and if she took John back she would be leaving him, for he wouldn’t tolerate John being with his bonded one. He said he wouldn’t tolerate any relationship in which she was volunteering to be abused or mistreated.”
“Maybe it’s for the best.”
Marjie said, “I won’t try to talk her out of it.”
“I’ll try to convince her to stay if it is the will of I AM, but I want to hear what Alta Sha has to say about it.”
“He says the ball is in her court.”
She decided to stay after all. She and I came to a new and generous agreement about the financial terms of continuing to live in the cottage.