Chapter 1
Understand how communication happens: Its processes, and coding.
The assumption, of course, is that we are all natural communicators… And since we are naturals, we must also be experts. I mean, if I’ve been speaking English my whole life, I MUST be good at it… Right?
The truth is, like anything else, if you learn to do it wrong the first time and you practice it wrong till you’ve perfected that, then you become an expert at doing it wrong! Now, I’m not trying to say that you’re speaking methods are incorrect… I wouldn’t know that… But very few individuals who have not been involved in some form of communication training have excellent conversational skills. By that I mean, perfect communication skills – For the perfect professional! Ponder upon that as you read through this book.
Communication, whether in conversation or otherwise, is a delicate intervention of representation (of ideas), meaning (associated to those ideas), and intention (of the speaker). This will be reviewed several times throughout this book. In this next chapter, we review how communication happens and why that’s important.
Communication in any form is simply the sending of signals from one source that may be understood by a second source. Communication between animals (humans included) incorporates two types of signals: Signs and Symbols…
Signs are understood because they are the result of a cause, thus our understanding of the cause allows us to easily understand the sign, and thus the message it conveys. When a person blushes, we understand that they are embarrassed because blushing is the result of embarrassment. In conversation, when a person makes the “uhhh” sound, we understand that they are lost for words because the “uhhh” sound is the result of trying to speak when our words are lost (not literally of course).
Symbols on the other hand, are developed and understood by societies. Language is understood by those who learn and use that specific language, simply because of an implicit agreement between users of the language. There is no real reason why the sound uttered when we speak the word “baby” should refer to a new-born child, other than the fact that it has been agreed upon by English speaking societies. In other languages, the notion of a “baby” is understood by different utterances.
With all this in mind, you may now realize that you cannot not communicate. Even if you choose not to say a word, you are in fact communicating something, as the receiver of your non-communication creates interpretations and in return assimilates a response.
It is important to remember that conversation must occur between two or more people… Too often, people enter a conversation for the sole purpose of doing 100% of the talking… This is not conversation – it is a monologue. Conversation occurs when two people interact back and forth, thus there is a reciprocal sequence of interactions.
Since conversation may occur face to face, or it may occur through some other means, such as telephone, chat sites, email, etc. Conversation may or may not occur within a shared context. Not having a shared context may skew one’s understanding of the other’s meaning.
In human interaction, multiple signs and symbols are generated and combined to express single ideas; we discuss many of these signs and symbols in chapter 5. Such signs and symbols may include words and phrases, minor utterances (such as uhhh, uhmm, and ahhh), tonality, intonation, gestures and body-language, eye-gestures, and other forms of movement. Most often, words alone are not sufficient to provide an appropriate understanding of the message – words are only ‘one piece of the pie’ so to speak. It is thus necessary, for effective communication to take place, to understand the entire message.
# NOTE: This book is focuses strictly on audible conversation skills, and is not designed to provide a look at non-verbal gestures. You may want to pick-up a book on body language to acquire an understanding of non-verbal communication along with this book.
# NOTE: When engaged in conversation, attempt to pick up on the various layers of communication that exist so that you can better understand the total message. Check also for congruency between different layers of communication – your clients may be saying one thing, but showing something else.
We communicate both through conscious and unconscious signals, which are called cues. A “cue” is any large or small action or sound beyond the simplicity of words that can be recognized by the brain as input. This can be the moving of any part of the body (referred to as a major cue) or a more subtle movement or twitch that may not consciously be recognized (called a minor cue, often also referred to as a subtle cue). Cues send a type of signal to the receiver, who then consciously or unconsciously associates some form of meaning to it.
Let’s just clarify what is defined as consciousness and unconsciousness; or what is referred to as the conscious and unconscious mind. The brain processes billions of bits of information per second - There are those things which we become aware of, and there are those things that we are completely unaware of. For example, the human heart (under normal conditions) beats somewhere in the vicinity of 100 beats per minute… Completely without the need to be aware of it, or otherwise interact in any way… It is autonomously handled by the unconscious. The oncoming of a sneeze happens in much the same way, as do breathing (in general) and reflex reactions. The body does what it needs to do based on messages that are sent to it by our brains, and we do not become aware of it until it has either happened or is happening, and in some cases not until it stops happening. These autonomous and independent activities within our brains are referred to as the unconsciousness.
Compare this to conscious activity, which is any activity that allows and/or requires you to be aware of occurrences. When you lift a coffee cup, your brain actually visualizes you doing so before you even begin to move. You are prepared for the actions that you must take, and the sensations that you are about to feel. When a ball moves toward you, you recognize that it is doing so and become aware of what is about to happen, what is happening, and what should happen to avoid injury. Your mind actually plays a sort of movie, or set of moving pictures that allow you to visualize this. This awareness is referred to as the consciousness.
# A major key to developing expert communication skills is to learn to become aware of those things you would normally be unaware of – Thus having more control of the overall message that you send to the person receiving your message. By understanding the subtle cues of conversation, we can work toward this.
Whether we know it or not, every time we speak we are performing speech acts. A speech act is an act that is performed by speaking. John Langshaw Austin, a philosopher of language who also served in the British Intelligence Services MI6, made popular the term “speech act” in his book “How To Do Things With Words”.
Speech act theory suggests that there are three types of forces that occur in speech, either independently or in combination, they are:
This includes linguistic properties. The words / phrases are taken in a literal sense. For example, having said “I’m hungry”, I have made a statement in the fact that I am feeling hungry.
Locutionary force includes three main subdivisions:
1) Phonic: This generally refers to the process of producing a particular sound. The phonetics of speech.
2) Phatic: The arrangement of sounds that are produced.
3) Rhetic: The structure of sentences aimed at delivering a particular message.
This is the purpose of having said what was said. An intention is made in the performance of having spoken. Referring to our previous example, having said “I’m hungry”, I could be expecting that someone give me some food, I could be suggesting that someone should tell me where I can get some food, or I may even be requesting that someone suggest to me what I should eat (especially if I am not familiar with the surrounding area).
Illocutionary force can be one of five distinguished classes:
1) Assertives: Speech acts where the speaker asserts his opinions.
2) Directives: Speech acts that seek to cause the listener to engage in some form of action (i.e. requests, commands, advice, etc).
3) Commissives: Speech acts that commit the speaker to some future action (i.e. promises, oaths, guarantees).
4) Expressives: Speech acts that express the speakers emotions and attitudes (i.e. Congratulations, excuses, thanks, etc).
5) Declarations: Speech acts that seek to change the context of reality, these are usually done only by individuals who have the power to do so (i.e. baptisms, pronouncing someone guilty by law, pronouncing holy union in marriage, etc.).
This is the effect or result that is produced, either on the speaker himself, or on the listener. Again with the example “I’m hungry”, the perlocutionary force could that of inspiring someone to see it in themselves to buy me lunch (I’d really like that!).
Conversation, through its many communicative techniques, expresses the stance of both speaker and listener. Stance, is the position that a speaker takes in conversation, and may be extended to include the position taken by the listener as he generates a response to the speaker. In other words, stance is the combined influence of a person’s attitudes, opinions and perspective as displayed through their communication.
Stance is displayed through a variety of symbols and signals, the most common of which being body language, tone, volume, use of words/phrases, and emotional input. There are two subcategories of stance, they are:
1) Epistemic Stance: This is essentially the manner in which the speaker displays his knowledge and certainty of the information contained within the conversation. The more knowledgeable a speaker appears, and the more certain he appears that his knowledge is correct, the stronger his epistemic stance.
2) Affective Stance: Affective stance has to do with the emotions portrayed by a speaker, and the manner in which those emotions interact with the listener(s). It is sometimes thought to be a perspective on the personality of the speaker, however, this is not always the case.
Communication doesn’t just happen. It isn’t some chaotic event that has no flow or structure. There is a flow to which all communication takes place. Sociologists have broken down the communication process into five basic stages:
The first part in the communication process begins with you – The sender. Two different people could have the same thought, but ultimately intend on sending distinctly different messages. This has a lot to do with personality, values, morals and beliefs.
The message is the idea that you intend to get across. What’s important to recognize here is that when you decide to speak, you are verbalizing ideas that have formed in your mind. Studies have shown how people form some imagery in their mind and then attempt to describe that imagery verbally. Further studies have even shown how letters and words are recognized as images, and our brain merely decodes the ideas represented by those images (letters and words), either individually or in groups. All this being said, it is the idea that you form in your mind that changes what is said, and it all starts with you. If you can create better images and learn to better verbalize those images, then you have taken the first step to better communication.
Encoding is the verbalization of the image or images in your head. Sometimes, the message we want to send is not necessarily the message we send. There are several reasons for this, beginning with our ability to convert ideas into words, our use and familiarity with the language we are using (which may not always be English), as well as the size of our vocabulary and the words and phrases we have learned to use.
Recognizing the need to ensure uniformity in sending effective messages, Scott M Cutlip and Allen H Center developed the 7 C’s of effective communication in 1952. They suggested that all messages should be clear, concise, concrete, correct, coherent, complete, and courteous.
The Channel is the medium we use to communicate our message. This may be spoken word, written word, audio, telephone, video, hand-signals; etc. For our purposes we will focus only on the spoken word. The channel can also consist of imperfections, as well as noise (background distractions).
The message we send is not always the message received. As the message is received by another individual, his brain will break down the message into individual parts. The originally intended message is now skewed by additional non-verbal content that was picked up when the message was sent by complications in the encoding phase, as well as by issues in the channel such as any imperfections and background noise. The message may also be distorted by reference to context, as the same message under two different circumstances may be perceived as two distinctly different messages.
The Single Biggest Problem In Communication,
Is The Illusion That It Has Taken Place
- George Bernard Shaw
Just like you, the sender of the information, an individual in their own rights, may send some subtle cues in their message based on their personality, values, morals, beliefs, and so on. The sender also skews the information received and decoded according to their own personality, values, morals, and beliefs, as well as their understanding of the information received and the meaning interpreted by that information.
The receiver of the information then sends feedback in the form of either verbal or non-verbal cues, or both. This is an unconscious response to the information received, and may be as subtle as the twitching of an eye, or a short ummm or ahhhh. This is not the same as a reply to the original message. A reply would essentially be a message in itself. This is an unconscious feedback that often occurs without the receiver recognizing that it has occurred.
In the communication process, there will also exist noise – Internal or external sounds that act as a barrier to effective communication. There are three types of noise to be concerned with:
1) Physical Noise: Physical noise occurs in the environment (i.e. The wind, children playing down the street, the sounds of rush hour traffic, etc.).
2) Semantic Noise: Semantic noise originates from the sender of a message in the form of ambiguity and/or miscommunication (see “specificity in chapter 6). Since communication involves a combination of words and grammar (as well as other things) to produce and intended meaning, it is possible that the words and grammar used may be misleading.
For example: In Toronto, Canada I once witnessed the opening of a new Chinese restaurant that raised a huge banner in front of the store reading “Children Half Price” – It dawned on me that while I understood they meant to say “children can dine for half the price”, the sign may have been read as “children are sold for half price”.
3) Psychological Noise: Psychological noise begins with the receiver of a message. This results from preconceptions, biases and other mental filters that skew the original message. We’ll learn more about biases and mental filters in chapter 2.
Another form of psychological noise is what we call “Self-talk”. This occurs when the receiver has a conversation within his own mind, often making judgments of the sender or the message sent by the sender, while the sender is talking. Self-talk prevents the message from being properly heard and/or understood, however, often it also occurs as a natural process and is difficult to eliminate.
The messages that we send are not always based on factual description. We speak in terms of our understanding, or abstraction of the ideas we want to portray, and these abstractions may occur in one of three ways:
Object-Oriented (In reference to objects)
This is where communication occurs regarding tangible objects. We speak about facts such as size, color or shape, quantity, etc. Here, we are not attempting to convey our emotions or how we feel, nor do we attempt to stray from the facts as we see them.
The key distraction here is the advent of perception… What I see as blue, you may call green. What I consider warm, you may consider cold. What I consider normal, you may consider abstract, abnormal or maybe even weird. This affects not only the words we choose and the way in which we structure or organize those words, but also the subtle verbal and non-verbal cues that are inevitably picked up by the unconscious mind of the receiver.
# NOTE:People tend to employ several types of mental filters when talking about objects. Such filters as biases and opinions often take place here. We will review these later in this book.
Experience-Oriented (In reference to experiences)
Here, we communicate about experiences. This type of communication is primarily emotional as we attempt to describe or relate the information that has been absorbed by our five senses, and/or the emotions that we feel. We often use experience-oriented communication when we speak about events that have occurred, or are occurring, but also with events that have not yet happened, projecting the way we would feel if they did. We do this by associating those future events with our recognition of similar past events, assuming that we would feel the same way (which is not always the case).
Again, perception takes its place… Two people could be in the same situation and experience the same things, however, the outcome will differ based on each person’s perception of the experience. This happens largely due to personality differences and previous experiences.
# NOTE:We often tend to base current circumstances on previous experiences. Be cautious of communication in which old experiences are being applied to new situations.
Concept-Oriented (In reference to concepts or ideas)
The concept-oriented communication is where we communicate about ideas, thoughts, and concepts. Normally, this type of communication involves broad generalizations or non-specific details designed to give the receiver an understanding of the idea. This is the same as the previously stated “generalizations”.
# NOTE:It is in reference to concepts that people are most imaginative. Sometimes, however, imagination can take precedence over reality, and we fail to view our conversation from a logical perspective.
Conversation is not simply the act of communicating… I can communicate something with you, but that’s not necessarily an act of conversation… One of the main ideas that makes conversation different, is that of turn-taking – People involved in a conversations take turns to speak. This is kind of like a conversation dance where you lead and I follow, then I lead and you follow… Or at least that’s how conversation should be.
Turn-taking, however, doesn’t always work the way it should in a perfect world. Some people tend to talk more than they should, and others not enough. Sometimes, a single conversation between two people occurs as two separate monologues happening simultaneously.
Paul Watzlawick,an Austrian-American family therapist, psychologist, communications theorist, and philosopher listed five axioms of communication – Aspects of communication that exist regardless of our direct input… They just are, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
As long as people are aware of each other, any perceivable behavior, including the lack or absence of action or speech, may be interpreted by others as having some meaning. For example, if you happen to walk into a room, and found me in the middle of the room lying on my back, not moving, not saying anything, changes are I’m sending you a message – Call the ambulance!
Everybody responds differently to what is said depending on the type and quality of the relationship. The same sentences, such as “You look very sexy today” may be perceived differently from if sent from a husband to a wife, as opposed to from a stranger.
In this statement, the “punctuation” refers to the w, ay in which messages are organized and grouped into meaning, including both verbal and non-verbal messages… This is analogous to the punctuation of written communication.
A communication event (say between two people) is viewed as a set of messages being sent and received back and forth between the parties involved… As action and reaction (one thing happens and a reaction occurs because of it). Since every person communicates differently, the relationship itself can be dependent on how each person views the way in which the overall communication is organized. For example: If a one person is upset and the other is avoidant, which is the result of which… Is the first person upset because the second is guilty, or is the second avoidant because first is upset?
The terms used here may need some translation as they are denotative terms. Much as with computer technology where digital information is precise and clear, and analogue information is sent through a noisy medium; “digital”, here, means clear and precise communication such as specific strings of words or gestures with generally agreed meaning, and “analogue”, here, refers to
Symmetric interchange of communication occurs when both parties in the communication or relationship appear to have equal levels of power, or treat each other as though they did… This does not necessarily mean that they are equal in all sense of the meaning, as two individuals with different strengths (i.e. a doctor and a scientist) can communicate on a level of equal power. Complementary interchange of communication occurs when one person appears to have a great level of power, and the other less (i.e. an employer and an employee). In each of these circumstances, the type of communication, the words and phrases, tonality, non-verbal communication, etc. will be different.
“Effective communication is 20% what you know and 80% how you feel about what you know”