Chapter 2
Learn How Communication Problems Occur, and What To Do About Them.
Sometimes it seems like people aren’t listening to you. You pour your heart out and the response that you get just is not what you had expected. This often happens because of a miscommunication, which may or may not be your fault. There are a host of obstacles that can prevent your message from being clearly understood; some of these are listed below. Having a better understanding of the obstacles in communication can not only give you a broader insight as to why your communication attempts are or are not effective, but also provide you with some indication of ways that you can communicate more effectively. This chapter is designed to make you aware of the many complications that exist in communication, including ordinary day to day conversation.
Intention is the mother of all creation. We don’t always communicate with the same intent. We often trick ourselves into believing that we have something important to say… But deep inside we communicate for other reasons. The reason for communicating with others affects the way communication takes place.
“The man who is intent on making the most of his breaks
is too busy to bother about luck.”
The study of communicative intent is primarily restricted to child psychology, because as children learn to communicate properly (in any language) they tend to use actions and minor vocal sounds to exhibit their desires. A child standing by the refrigerator glaring patiently at their mother is a classic sign that the child is hungry. When they point at something, possibly making vocal sounds such as “uhhh”, this means that the child wants the thing that they are pointing to.
The understanding, of course, is that as we grow older, we learn to communicate effectively and such previous habits of communication are disregarded. Unfortunately, this is not always the case, and the need to understand the intent of communication is just as important in adults as it is with children.
In adults, the intent of communication is not always understood, and rather than asking, “What is it you’re trying to say?” (or something that effect), we tend to make assumptions as to the intent of communication attempt based on our understanding or perception of the total message. This makes it extremely important to be cautious of both the messages we send and the way in which the receiver may understand the message.
If I am talking to you because I have some very important information to convey, and you don’t really feel like conversing with me but do so only to keep good relations, the quality of the communication dwindles – What I say is likely to have a lesser impact on you… If any at all! My reason for communicating and your reason for listening do not match.
While it is not always necessary for two people to have the same intent in communicating with each other, it sure does make a big difference.
# NOTE: Communicative intent is taken from two points of view: That of the speaker and that of the listener. From the point of view of the speaker, it may make sense to ensure that the listener is beginning the conversation from a common point, by pre-empting the conversation using statements that begin with “I have something very important to say” or “This is important…”.
# NOTE: From a listener’s point of view, take notice of the non-verbal communication used, the tone of voice, and other cues that may show intent. Pay special attention to body language, especially forward movement, hand gestures and micro-gestures surrounding the eyes and mouth.
One important concept to consider throughout each conversation, is that the way you communicate with others will generally have a direct effect on their perception of you, your message, and your intent. In this regard, the way that you communicate with others will also (generally) have a direct effect on the way in which they respond. This is true in all forms of communication.
To understand a person’s communication within the context of conversation, you can’t simply take the literal sense of what is said. You need to be understand the intentions of the speaker. The effects of such attributes as tonality, inflection, pace, and so on, must be taken into account. Take the following example for instance
“Can you close the door?”
This question can be understood in different terms depending on the receiver’s evaluation of the intentions of the speaker. For example:
1) “Can you” can be understood as “are you able to”, thus the question is understood as “are you able to close the door?”
2) The speaker may also have the intentions of wanting the door closed, thus the question is not actually a question at all”, rather a polite way of asking for the door to be shut.
3) The speaker’s intentions may also be directed at some other event, thus the question may be an indirect statement such as “it’s too loud out there” or “I need some privacy”.
[See also Chapter 3 “Meaning & Purpose”]
Conversation is not always initiated for the same reasons. A mismatch in communication occurs when two people hold a conversation with contrasting intent. Such conversations cannot move forward in an easy and continuous stream because each party makes attempt to lead and/or sustain the conversation in accordance with their intent. Rather than engaging in such a mismatch of communication, begin by understanding and matching the other party’s intent, and (if warranted) slowly lead them in the direction you want.
For example: If you and I engage in a conversation and my intent is to convey information about my new product, while your intent is to seek information about some other topic, you are likely to slowly drift out of the conversation (and perhaps daze into space) if the information that I am conveying does not match what you are seeking to know. It would make more sense for me to begin by first asking what you are seeking to know, next provide you with relevant information, and then ‘naturally’ lead the conversation toward the information I wish to convey.
If you were engaging in conversation for the purpose of self-interest (talking about yourself and your own personal interests), and I wished to persuade you about something, you would be less likely to listen to my message because of your own personal agenda. But if I was to first satisfy your need for self-interest (even briefly), you would then be more likely to be attentive to my message of persuasion as a display of reciprocity would take place – I listened to you, so you’ll listen to me.
Below we discuss some of the most common reasons why communication is initiated.
Sometimes we communicate because we have something important to say. We may also wish to convey information simply to share our thoughts and ideas.
While we often wish to share information with others, we may also communicate in order to receive information… Information about our interests, information about others, and information about the world around us. As we receive and process such information, we become more confident that we are able to deal with current or upcoming situations. We may also use this knowledge to grow as people, seeking greater levels of self-esteem and/or self-actualization.
Sometimes people talk simply because they like to hear themselves talk… They like to talk about themselves, they like to talk about subjects of interest, and sometimes they don’t even care how interested others are in their conversation. They may even just assume that whomever they are speaking to will be interested in the topic for one reason or another. It is often in these situations that others use a relationship-listening intent and filter out much of the conversation.
We often engage in communication with others simply as a relief from reality, or for entertainment. Such conversations as verbal games, story-telling, humor and comedy (jokes) and other types of imagination are examples of this. These forms of conversation are important as they provide a form of stress-release therapy as we momentarily escape from the world (in a manner of speaking).
It is human nature to constantly seek out new experiences. This need is inherent in all of us from the day that we are born. As we experience new things, our brains are allowed to grow and our minds are allowed to imagine; experiences shape both our cognitive abilities as well as our creative abilities. As experiences are repeated, they become part of our identity, allowing us to better understand ourselves, our interests and desires – And this aids to shape us as individuals.
When we engage in conversation with others, we not only have the opportunity to experience new things in the conversation itself as well as the interaction with others (sometimes good, sometimes bad), but we also learn through the shared experiences of those others. We consciously and unconsciously watch and listen for various cues that bring intellectual and emotional stimulation, and often absorb these second-party experiences as our own.
Many theories in child psychology suggests that as we grow within the womb of our mothers, we develop a bond, or human-connection, that gets carried on in our infancy and as we begin to grow. This inherent need for human-connection remains with us as we grow, so that as we begin to notice that our mothers can no longer fulfill all of our needs, we seek that fulfillment elsewhere through social relationships, friendships, and other interpersonal relationships.
Also, as noted above under “new experiences”, it is by being connected with others and experiencing new things through those connections that we learn to understand ourselves.
We are all social beings, and communication is a means in which we can exercise our influence on other people. As we do so, we create relationships and rapport as others become more like us. We may also gain emotional satisfaction in knowing that our thoughts and ideas are being spread.
Emotional need occurs when a lack of something exists. There are signals that get sent to the brain that tell it a lack of this “something” exists, and the brain in turn releases signals that cause a rise in emotional intensity. The more intense our emotions become, the more we feel a perceived “need”. This emotional need can exist with anything… biological, social or otherwise.
We normally don’t feel a need to breathe, but if we were in lack of air, we would feel the “need” for it pretty quickly and would do whatever it takes to get more of it. If you hadn’t eaten today, you would soon feel hunger, and that would signal a “need” to the brain telling it you need food. This happens to me when I haven’t had enough coffee! The same thing also happens with other emotions… When we feel a lack of love, for example, and the desire for love becomes more intense, we become driven to seek out a source of love. This effect is primarily an automated process that occurs unconsciously.
The desire for social connection and varying levels of interpersonal relationship can involve a host of emotional “needs”, and when those needs are not met, they may become intensified and drive our actions.
The more we socialize, the more we feel “liked” by others, thus raising our level of self-esteem. Self-esteem is one of the five primary human needs as suggested by Abraham Maslow in his hierarchy of needs.
# NOTE: Begin every conversation by first understand the other person’s communicative intent.
Now that we’ve covered the reasons that we engage in conversation, let’s review a few reasons why we listen to others… What? You thought we all listened for the same reasons?
Before I had any professional communication training, I used to think that my friends and family listened to what I had to say for that same very important reason… Because they cared! If only I knew… And now that I do know, I’m always wondering if people are REALLY listening to me.
People never listen for the same reasons… And the reason for listening – the listening-intent – changes the way we listen.
This is what we should be doing most of the time, listening actively to what is said and the meaning behind what is said, disregarding unimportant distractions.
* As professionals, when we are listening to clients, we should always engage in active listening. Listen carefully to the words and the meaning behind those words, but also listen for major and minor cues that help to determine both the meaning behind what is said, as well as the way clients feel.
When you watch television, listen to a song on the radio, or indulge yourself in the humor of comedy, you use appreciative listening skills. This is the act of listening for pleasure.
This is the act of listening due to the compression of what is being said. When you understand what others are saying you may become more aware of the messages being sent.
Here, you listen to what others are saying in a judgmental manor. You may have preconceptions about the individual or his views on the topic which serve as biases before he even begins to speak, or you may develop these biases and judgments during the conversation. Either way, judgments and criticism are held against the speaker and/or his words.
Other times, a listener could appear to be listening, but since the conversation is a little emotional, they are more concerned with comforting the speaker and portraying empathy than they are with really listening.
Other times, they may hear something that arouses either positive or negative emotions, and in the process of becoming emotional about that, fail to hear the remainder of the conversation.
Sometimes people seem as if they are listening, and they may pick up a few words here or there, but truthfully they’re off in some other world, have spaced out, or have submitted themselves to some deep trance. Having the appearance that they are listening, a speaker could go on forever without really knowing.
“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything.
So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening.”
Informative listening occurs when your primary concern is to understand the message or information that is being disclosed.
“Partial listening”, often referred to as “common listening”, is what people do most of the time in their daily lives… Not really listening, but not ignoring either.
We can also listen, hearing key words that bring us back in time as we relive past memories.
Or maybe we are only mocking the listening process in order to help build a stronger relationship with the speaker.
We may also listen for key content, ignoring almost everything else that is said. This may occur for several reasons. First, we may be particularly interested in certain content; the speaker may have said something during the conversation, and from that moment forward we may listen specifically for information that relates to that point of interest. We also may have initially entered the conversation with the goal to seek particular information, and so our selective perception allows us primarily to focus on, and become attuned to, information that is relevant to that goal.
"Yeah I called her up,
she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listenin' to her enough, or somethin'.
I don't know, I wasn't really payin' attention."
- From the movie Dumb & Dumber
As two people stand side by side and hold a private conversation, they may both believe that every word, every utterance and every sound is being drawn in by the other, and that their conversations are in fact being heard. Neither of the two may consider that hearing is not always as natural a process as we may think. For some, and often for most, there are complications that may arise…
I grew up as a child with a slight hearing deficiency in my right ear. By the time I reached grade 3, teachers were beginning to wonder why I didn’t listen so well, and of course, they were all but certain that I was just lazy (which I am) and simply ignored the majority of their lectures in front of the classroom (which I didn’t). It was at this point that my parents took me to a hearing specialist who was able to decipher that I had issues hearing out of my right ear. As I returned to school, they sat me on the right side of the classroom with my left ear facing the teacher, so that I may hear better – Of course, they mistakenly forgot that I honestly was lazy.
As we take on conversation with others, we often assume that they are perfect in hearing. We assume that others in this world are similar to ourselves, and unless we have dealt with difficulties, we often do not consider that others may have them. In conversation, the hearing impairments that others trifle with can cause a breakdown in the communication process.
I find a lot of women are quiet speakers, and some men too… Sometimes they are quiet speakers by nature, and sometimes they are only quiet in particular circumstances. One of the little secrets that I found through conversation is that people often speak certain words a little more quietly than others, including when they are either unsure of themselves or when they are trying to hide something. Regardless of the reason… The intensity of the message, either in whole or in part, will affect the way it is heard and the receiver’s ability to hear it. It may also affect the perception that is held of the conversation (in whole or in part).
Some people just don’t listen very well… They’ve had poor listening skills since their younger days, and have carefully developed those poor skills throughout the years into even worse listening skills. The good news is, with a little bit of practice and attentive behavior, those poor skills can be reformed.
# NOTE: Recognize that hearing issues exist. It is for this reason that effective communication skills are needed. In chapter 3 we review techniques to overcome these issues and aid in ensuring the right message is understood.
I’m a big believer in customer service. This is possibly because I’ve been in sales for almost 20 years (at the time of writing this book) and believe that sales and customer service go hand in hand. That’s why I find it so interesting that most major retail corporations spend so little time developing the customer service skills of their employees. In specific, their ability to pay attention to the needs and desires of their customers.
My biggest pet peeve is having to repeat myself… I don’t mind repeating myself if it is necessary, but I don’t like to do it if I feel like you just weren’t listening the first time! Too often I walk into a retail store and the person behind the counter asks “Can I help you?”, and just as I begin to speak they turn around and throw all of their attention somewhere else. If you ask me to speak to you, then pay attention, damn it! Is it possible it’s all my fault? Maybe I just don’t speak up quickly enough, and as a result counter-people think, “Gees, I seem to have a little bit of time before this guy speaks. Maybe I should be productive with my time and go do something.”
Below is a list of other possible reasons why people don’t pay attention to conversations:
Our brains naturally pay attention to distractions. We are hardwired to be especially attentive to things that are out of ordinary, odd or different. When distractions happen, it takes great listening skills to ignore the distraction and focus heavily on the conversation at hand. In my early days, when I went through telephone sales training, they would have me put on a set of earphones and play a recording of two people talking in the background with a series of very distractive noises in the foreground including sounds such as dogs barking, police and ambulance vehicles driving by, and bees buzzing loudly – they were all happening at the same time. They would then quiz me on the specifics of the conversation.
There is no doubt that distractions will happen, and it is up to us to learn to ignore that which is not important, and become attentive to those things that are.
# NOTE: Overcoming distraction is a learned skill. It takes concentration and practice.
Psychologists believe that we can only listen to one voice at a time. We may hear other voices, but hearing and listening are two different things.
A common mistake amongst salespeople and other business professionals is the need to tell prospects of all the wonderful attributes of their products. In plain words, many salespeople just have a really hard time shutting up! But salespeople aren’t the only ones… Many people often feel they have so much to say, that while other people are speaking to them, they are rehearsing (in their minds) what they are going to say next. They have a personal agenda, in terms of the conversation, that prevents them from actively listening to what others are saying.
# NOTE: Begin first by removing instances of personal agenda in your own listening skills. As a professional, you should always be employing active listening skills [discussed in chapter 4]. The next step is to work at removing the personal agenda of your listeners – You can do this by using preparatory suggestions that will cause the listener to be more attentive, such as: “Listen closely”; “This is very important so you’ll want to pay attention”; “I know you have something to say, but forget about that for a moment and listen to what I’m saying.”
Conversational ego is all about power trips. Some people feel they need to be in power, and if the conversation makes them feel, in any way, that their dominancy has been suppressed or repressed, they become angry, possibly shouting mad messages quietly in their minds, which makes it very hard for them to focus on listening to anything else.
# NOTE: Ego can only serve to diminish the value of conversation – Learn to put your own ego aside by receiving information in an objective view. Be cautious of using language that diminishes the ego of your listeners.
Trances are not at all what most people think. You don’t need someone to wave some shiny pendent in front of your eyes, and you don’t need to drift into a zombie-like state where you don’t know what is going on… As a matter of fact, most trances are actually a state of heightened awareness, where your attention is either fixated on one thing or you are attentive to the myriad of things that are happening around you. People put themselves in states of hypnotic trance every day. If you’ve ever jumped into in elevator and found yourself staring intently at the light that displays what floor the elevator is passing, then you were in a trance.
Trances can be brought on by anything that focuses our attention – this can be visual, audible, or some physical sensation. Once in a while (and I’ll never admit this to my clients), when certain people speak to me, I find myself drifting off into a daze. Maybe it’s the soothing sound of their voices, or maybe they speak in a rhythmic fashion, or maybe it’s just me… But I slowly feel as if my mind is going numb, and I just want to experience that state of limbo for a while… Until something shakes me back to reality (usually it’s my client saying “Are you listening to me?”). I’m sure you’ve felt the same way as some point in time.
Finally, we have fatigue. When people are tired or exhausted, their attentive abilities are lost as they attempt to reserve energy for more basic functions.
Often enough you will find that people are listening, and may be listening attentively, but there is a lack of complete understanding which in turn makes it appear as if they were not listening in the first place. One of the issues here is that we all assume that we are great communicators (after all, we’ve been talking our entire lives!), and we make the assumption that we are explaining our point in a manner that is easily understood. However, just because you understand what you’re talking about doesn’t necessarily mean that everybody else does.
Non-understanding is when the listener does not understand what the speaker is trying to say and where no representation of the speaker’s intention is formulated in the mind of the listener. Remember that we process communication in terms of abstract ideas and imagery – When the listener is not able to mentally picture what the speaker is trying to say, we have non-understanding.
With absolutely no idea of what the other person is talking about, some folks will continue on with the conversation as if all were well. They often do this because of the fear of appearing unintelligent, as it would seem if they either asked the speaker to repeat his words and/or explain himself.
Misunderstanding is different from non-understanding. It means that the listener has obtained a representation that is not in line with the speaker’s intention. Essentially, he has understood something about the message that was not intended to be relayed.
Much of communication occurs subjectively, meaning that it is viewed or considered on a personal basis. When disagreement occurs, speakers tend to take it personally to varying degrees. Often, a small disagreement can cause a big issue in terms of understanding the remainder of the conversation
Emotional instability may be caused for a variety of reasons, including some of the reasons previously mentioned. When our emotions rise, our ability to process information on a logical platform decreases. As this happens, we may become more focused on our own emotions rather than being focused on the speaker. The more we become focused on ourselves (and our own emotions), the more our attentive abilities decline.
People are, by nature, emotional creatures. When things go wrong, and they often do, people naturally want others to understand their situation… Not necessarily to feel what they feel, but simply to understand the way they feel. When you are unable to empathize with others, you are unable to understand the emotional state they are in. This is important as the better we can understand others, the better we can communicate on their level.
The mental state of the listener at the time of listening may also change their ability to listen effectively. The listener may have other things that take precedence over the need to listen to the speaker, or there may be other things on their mind.
Memory errors can effect communication in both directions. They can cause loss of words or inability to clearly communicate a given point, and it can cause loss of understanding when different points or ideas need to be linked together for full comprehension of the message (if I can’t remember point A, how can I link it to point B?).
Memory errors can effect communication in both directions. They can cause loss of words or inability to clearly communicate a given point, and it can cause loss of understanding when different points or ideas need to be linked together for full comprehension of the message (if I can’t remember point A, how can I link it to point B?).
Blocking, also referred as “having a memory block” (sometimes referred to as “losing your mind”), happens when we have previously learned something, but at the time of attempting to retrieve the information we are unable to do so. We may retrieve the information at a later point, usually when w