Chapter 4
Improve Your Basic Conversation Skills
Effective conversation starts with you. You can’t always rely on others to have great communication skills, and so if you want to be a great communicator, you have to rely solely on your ability to communicate well, armed with the knowledge that what you say is only as important as how you say it. There are various pre-emptive techniques to assist in your effective communication, including:
Posture & the Effect of Body Language
Every part of the body affects every other part of the body, but also affects the mind, the way we think, and the way in which we perceive and understand the world around us. This book is not intended as a study of body language, and so it will suffice to understand that certain postures are associated with certain emotions, and those emotions change our perception.
If, for example, we sit forward in a slump, with our head tilted slightly toward the ground, a common posture when tired or depressed, we are likely to also feel tired or depressed, thus lowering our attentive abilities and purposely ignoring other information, or viewing information in a more negative manner.
On the contrary, if we sit up straight (with the spine erect) with our head up (so that the crown of the head is highest), we automatically become more alert. Relaxing the shoulders and smiling will then give a more positive feeling, and thus we are more likely to view any information positively (see “mood-congruent memory bias” in chapter 3).
# NOTE: Spend some time playing with the way in which posture affects your tonality, emotions, and the impression that you leave on others. For example: An erect posture gives a confident and positive emotion and tone. A slumped posture, gives a negative and depressed emotion and tone. Each of these has its place depending on the impression that you want to leave. From a sales point of view, when talking about your offer, you want to portray positivity. When speaking of competitive offers, you may not.
# NOTE: As you learn about the effects of body language on your conversation / communication, as well as on your emotions, perceptions and cognitive functions, consider how you can cause change in your clients by helping them access their own posture and body language.
Dynamics includes the volume and ambiance at which you speak. The dynamics of your conversation should be appropriate for the audience to which you are speaking. If you are speaking directly to one individual, your conversational dynamics should be appropriate for one-on-one conversation. You may also want to take into account the environment in which the conversation takes place – You wouldn’t speak at the same volume in a library as you might in public.
# NOTE: People often change the dynamics of their conversation (along with tone, inflection, and pace) when a change in emotion occurs. Under particular circumstances, you may want to portray such emotional changes to get your point across (without actually being emotional). Consider how such changes may affect your listeners.
Tone
The tone of your voice can say a lot about you. People are always making judgments about others… To decide what type of personality they have, what type of thought process they hold, and what type of mood they’re in. Often, this is done simply to know if others are approachable, and if it makes sense to communicate and/or form some kind of relationship with them – even if only temporary.
Over the years, we learn to recognize and associate certain tones with certain demeanors. Think for a moment about an army sergeant speaking to his troops in a training exercise. Even if you’ve never met an army sergeant in your life, you’ve probably watched enough movies to know that the sergeant will speak with a low tone of voice, probably with a quick and snapping attitude. Now consider the way in which your grandmother is likely to speak with you. Do you imagine something a little different? What about a husband telling his wife how much he loves her? Can you imagine the tone of voice that he would use?
# NOTE: Before communicating with people, think about the image that you would want to portray and the feelings that your target audience would feel in accordance with your tone of voice. During the conversation, consciously play with the tone of your voice to add dramatic appeal to your conversation according to the emotions that you want to portray and the message that you want to get across.
Inflection is the change in tonality that (in most of us) occurs naturally as we speak. Much like tone and dynamics, a change in inflection can be a sign of emotional change. A rising tone can signify excitement, whereas a falling tone can signify seriousness.
# NOTE: The most effective speakers learn to dramatize their ideas through the use of inflection. Effective use of dramatization can catch the listener’s attention, keep their attention, and get them emotionally involved.
A string-end is the end of a sentence or phrase… The last word or words spoken that conclude the sentence or phrase. Intonation used in a string-end generally provides some indication as to the use of the sentence. It is well understood, for example, that rising string-ends (the tone rises at the end of the sentence) are an indication of inquisition (questions). On the other hand, falling string-end (where the intonation falls at the end of a sentence) are an indication of a command. Neutral string-ends are acknowledged as ordinary statements.
# NOTE: Listen to the string-ends used by others in their conversation. People often try to hide questions they don’t want to ask, such as when a statement is made with a rising string-end, which could signify that speaker is unsure of himself. An attempt to conceal a falling string end (hiding the act of commanding) can be an indication of self-control in the face of anger or frustration.
Pace is essentially the rate of conversation. People generally speak at a pace that corresponds to the way they think. People who speak quickly generally process information faster. This does not necessarily mean they are more intelligent as it gives no clue as to which information they are processing, simply that they are processing information at a faster rate. Often, people who process information more quickly are prone to be forgetful and absent minded.
Conversational rhythm may also be an indication of emotional state. As people become more excited, they tend to speak at a faster rate. As they become depressed, they tend to speak at a slower rate.
# NOTE: People generally compare the pace of others to their own. This is true for conversation, as well as non-verbal communication such as body-language. If your pace is too quick, they may consider you as being sporadic; if your pace is too slow, they may find other associations to derive meaning from. The best practice is to match the pace of your clients. This will ensure that they feel comfortable with you.
Rhythm is directly associated to pace. Rhythm is the pattern in which people speak. People who are speaking in a broken rhythm are generally taking more time to think about what they are going to say next, which can be a good or bad depending on the reason. Common reasons for a broken rhythm in speech are: consideration of the next phrase or sentence; Being lost for words (not knowing what to say next); and Anxiety.
# NOTE: Work toward being able to speak with a strong and secure rhythm, while still pre-thinking the words and phrases that you use.
# NOTE: Speaking with a steady rhythm can cause people to enter into a trance-like state as they listen to you carefully. This is not unlike the state that you can enter when watching television, or listening to music.
Keeping good eye contact lets the other person know that you are paying attention to them and that you are involved in the conversation at hand. When you do not keep good eye contact, people may be weary of whether or not you are listening to them as they speak, which may cause ill-feelings and resentment toward you. Thes-feelings may never be revealed, but will leave the other person walking away feeling bad (often feeling as if you don’t care).
Good eye contact does not mean that you need to stare consistently, but rather frequently. Ensure that you are looking them in the eye, rather than at other areas of the body, and certainly rather than looking away. When people are talking, and they find you looking at other things, they are likely to feel (on some level) ignored, and will consider the distraction that has grabbed your attention to be more important than what they have to say.
People generally do not fear conversation with strangers, unless they feel the conversation will bring harm to them in some way – whether it is physically, emotionally, or mentally. It is for this reason, when engaging in conversation (especially with strangers), that the practice of distancing is so very important. Distancing involves pacing yourself in a position that that allows the other person to perceive the conversation as being safe and free from potential harm. There are several aspects to this:
1) Free from physical harm: If you are physically in the presence of the other person, try to place yourself physically outside of the person’s personal barriers. A review of proxemics communication tells us that a person’s personal space is generally within 1 to 1.5 meters away from their body.
2) Free from emotional harm: People drive themselves toward those things that make them feel good, and away from those things that make them feel bad. In beginning new conversations, you should aim to make people feel good. Not neutral, not bad… Good! Stray away from making comments that may be perceived as judgmental, ridicule, or distressing. This includes that use of jokes and humor as well as direct comments. I can guarantee that even in well-developed relationships, the use of such humor is still likely to leave an ill-founded mark.
3) Free from mental harm: Here, by mental harm, we are really referring to mental overload. People are not always in a position where they feel like concentrating on unexpected conversation, and often prefer to prepare themselves before doing so. Putting people in a position of mental discomfort or mental stress for which they are unprepared can often appear overbearing, and a feeling of resentment or dislike is the usual result.
# NOTE: To get closer to people – physically or emotionally, you need to gain their trust, build mutual respect and get them to like you. You may also want to consider developing pre-established expectations regarding the relationship and the topics of conversation – for example: If someone feels they can open up to you and talk to you about personal topics right from the start of the relationship, then they are likely to continue feeling this way throughout the relationship. Decide beforehand what types of conversational expectations you want to impose on the relationship.
The meaning of messages is constantly reviewed throughout this book… Every message you speak should be well thought out. Too many people, taking their spoken language for granted, talk without thinking first, and in turn regret much of what they say. Your message should always be deliberate and with purpose. If your message has no purpose, it may be better not to say anything at all.
It is through purpose, that we plan and establish the meaning in our message. This can take one of two forms:
1) Explicit Meaning: Looking at “Speech Act Theory” described in chapter one, explicit meaning can be thought of as the locutionary force. This is the direct meaning that is associated with your message. If you say for example “You’re pretty smart!”, the explicit meaning would be understood that you are commenting on how smart the person is. It is the literary meaning of the words being spoken.
2) Implicit Meaning: Referring back to our “Speech Act Theory” in chapter one, implicit meaning is a combination of illocutionary force. It is the meaning that is implied through conversation or through of use of the words spoken. For example: The word “blue” may be used to describe someone who is depressed (not necessarily colored blue); or the phrase “on a high horse” may be used to describe someone who thinks highly of himself (and doesn’t really mean the person is on a high horse).
Even the simplest messages may be misconceived. You may intend to communicate the explicit meaning, and the receiver may generate an understanding for the implicit (or vice-versa). To be a great communicator, you must first learn to consider how each message may be viewed, both implicitly and explicitly, and if there is room for misunderstanding, be extremely specific, or don’t say anything at all (communicating through non-verbal communication alone).
Although we touched a bit on congruency earlier, it was deemed necessary to briefly revisit the subject in this chapter.
As you deliberately produce purposeful messages, it is important to structure those messages so that they may be easily understood. Your message must make sense. It must have a structured flow. It is when we talk and do not think first, that we are most likely to generate messages that are viewed as scattered, sporadic, or sense
Before we continue with what to say and how to say it… It is important that we first recognize four distinct types of sentences:
Declarative sentences are designed to state a fact. These are usually (fairly) short sentences that come to a full stop (as if written with a period). Declarative statements may also be:
1) Positive Declarative Statements: These are designed to state a positive fact. This form of sentence will start will phrases such as:
“It is…” (It is communication that drives relationships).
“I can…” (You can use this information if you try)
“These are” (These are powerful bits of information)
2) Negative Declarative Statements: Negative declarative statements are designed to state a negative fact. Examples include:
“It isn’t…” (It isn’t hard to evaluate this information)
“You can’t…” (You can’t go wrong by applying these techniques)
“There / Those aren’t” (There aren’t many who are well skilled in the art of communication)
3) Neutral Declarative Statements: Neutral declarative statements state a fact that is neither positive nor negative.
“He will be going to the store in an hour”
“The car is red”
“The word keeps turning round and round”
# NOTE: Declarative statements are often subjective, meaning that they are provided in one person’s point of view. Don’t be afraid to question declarative statements… Consider asking questions such as “How do you know?” or “Are you sure?” or “How can you be sure?”
An exclamatory sentence, also referred to as an exclamation, is a stronger, more forceful version of the declarative sentence. Rather than simply stating a fact, the exclamatory sentence is often used in a defensive manner, and can most often be recognize by the subtle use of a rising string-end (the tone of voice rises slightly at the end of the sentence).
“These are my books!” (not yours!)
# NOTE: Exclamatory statements are used when a person feels strongly about something. Make sure that you begin by responding to the emotion involved in the statement. For example: Person A yells “These are my books!”. Rather than responding “No they’re mine!” Person B responds “I understand that they look like your books, but if you look a inside you’ll find my writing all over them”
Imperative sentences give a direct command or forceful request. The word “imperative” means “of vital importance”. Much like declarative sentences, they are usually short and may be spoken with elevated pitch and volume. Imperative sentences are usually spoken with a falling string-end (the tone of voice lowers at the end of the sentence). Stronger imperative sentences may be found to use modal operators of necessity (must, have to, need to, should).
“You have to read these notes.”
Imperative statement may or may not be easily accepted by a recipient, depending on the emotion and intent that is conveyed with them. Consider the following imperative sentences:
“You have to check out this new movie!”
“Go to your room!”
The first is of a persuasive nature, and the second is direct and abrasive.
# NOTE: Be cautious in your use of imperative statements. If perceived as a command, these statements may spark a fight or flight response and cause the recipient to become aggressive.
The interrogative sentence is used to ask a direct question, or interrogate. It is usually some word in the middle of the sentence that is emphasized with the use of tonality, volume or inflection. NOTE: That the use of indirect questions is actually considered a declarative sentence.
“You’ve have read these notes” (in a questioning manner)
# NOTE: Spoken with a falling string-end, interrogative sentences may appear as a statement, rather than as a question. Ensure that a rising string end is used. This is a common communicative error, learn to anticipate the intent that is used in other speakers to decipher if they are using an interrogative or declarative statement.
Whether you’re starting a conversation with a stranger, or beginning a conversation with a friend or family member that you haven’t seen in a while, small talk is the key to getting the conversation started – The first step to building (or re-building) that sense of relationship and familiarity. Below, you’ll find the important techniques to engaging in small-talk and getting the conversation started:
In gaining a person’s attention and starting a new conversation, begin by asking simple questions that get the other person involved in the conversation. The first few questions that you ask in sparking conversation are very crucial, because if you ask questions that people can easily answer, they are likely to be glad that you asked; but if you ask questions that they cannot answer, they will resent you for having asked. This is because people have an inherent need to feel good about themselves, and when they do not have answers to questions, they will often feel inadequate and may attempt to avoid the question(s) all together.
A good example of simple questioning is to begin conversation by asking questions about minor matters. Such topics may include: the weather, the news, and other recent events or occurrences. You may also ask simple, non-intrusive personal questions such inquiring about the person’s name, inquiring about their current activities (what they are doing), or asking about past experiences that relate to the conversation in some way.
Most people love sharing their opinions. Ask people “what do you think about…?” If you ask people for their opinions on a topic, do not scrutinize their opinions or condemn them for it, as this will certainly result in resentment and the conversation will come to a close.
# NOTE: When asking a prospect for their opinions, try to rephrase your response to be in agreement with them. The more you agree, the more you further the relationship; conversely, the more you disagree, the more you cause emotional friction in the relationship. If you need to disagree, do so by using statements such as “I can see where you’re coming from, and I also think…”. Be cautious to use the word “and” rather than “but”, as “and” shows you are adding to the conversation while “but” is used as contradiction.
People are most interested in two things: Themselves… And those things that they are interested in (whatever that may be). When you start a conversation with someone, and begin that conversation by talking about yourself, your experiences and your interest, people are likely to think “So what?”, “Why should I care?” or “What does this have to do with me?” They may not speak these thoughts out loud, and they may attempt to be sincerely interested, but it is more likely that, unless the conversation relates to them in some specific way, they will not really be interested.
You can begin a conversation with almost anybody by appealing to self-interest. When sparking a conversation with strangers, I often look for something unique about the person (or at least unique compared to others in the immediate vicinity at the time), or possibly something of interest that they are doing at the time, and begin conversation about that particular thing.
When you appeal to someone’s personal self-interest, however, their attentive behavior is elevated as they pay more attention to the conversation at hand. Their listening abilities, as well as their abilities to access memory and retain information are heightened.
# NOTE: Whenever possible, begin conversation with the other person’s self-interest. Once you have their attention and interest, create connection between their self-interest and the topic that you wish to speak about.
It’s amazing how people just want to be heard. They just want somebody to listen to them, and they want someone to be interested in what they are saying. People want to feel important, and they want to feel as if their ideas and what they have to say is important too. You can get through lengthy conversations by simply listening, and showing some interest in what people are saying – This is often referred to as “conversational encouragement”. When people believe that you are sincerely interested in what they are saying, they will often continue talking about the topic of the conversation.
If You Let People Talk Long Enough,
They’ll Disclose Their Entire Lives To You.
- Dan Blaze
There are many things you can do to show interest in the conversation, including providing subtle cues such as ummms and ahhhhs and ohhhs, nodding your head in agreement, and possibly looking upward to show that you are processing the information that they are providing. Keeping frequent eye contact is a sure sign of interest, and even simply smiling can show interest.
By appearing interested in what the other person has to say, you gain a level of rapport that says they are important to you, and what they have to say is important… And when you show interest in other people, they will be more likely to show interest in you also.
The more involved the conversation begins, the more you can slowly move to more personal areas of interest. Never start a conversation by asking for deep personal opinions. Remember that earlier we spoke about “distancing” - this should be kept in mind until a mutual feeling of comfort has been achieved. However, once a level of comfort has been achieved, you can begin asking for more in depth opinions on particular topics. Again, as noted earlier, do not scrutinize their opinions or condemn them for it, as this will certainly result in resentment and the conversation will come to a close.
# NOTE: You can use funnel questioning (and reverse funnel questioning) to help keep the conversation going on the topic of discussion. With every answer a person provides, you can get them to be increasingly specific about the topic, or otherwise get them to be more and more generalized. Alternatively, you can also run through a list of W-H questions (what, why, when, where, who, and how).
Since the days of our early childhood, we are all told stories. Good stories provide us a method of communicating interesting facts, sharing abstract principles, and giving important lessons in an engaging way. They captivate us and draw us in, and almost mesmerize us as we imagine the events of the story happening in our own minds. This gives the story a strong sense of reality. Story-telling is discussed in chapter 8.
# NOTE: Stories are very powerful tools for providing explanations and suggestions, conveying ideas and in persuasive communication. Learn to become a master of story-telling.
Progressive disclosure is about reciprocity. People can often be afraid to share information about themselves, possibly for fear of having that information used against them in some way – But when you begin by sharing information about yourself first, others are more likely to return the favor by sharing information about themselves too. As with reciprocity, you will find that as you share small amounts of information about yourself, others will return the favor by sharing even more information about themselves.
When combined with self-interest (a sincere show of interest in the convention) and progressive questioning (asking minor, non-intrusive questions and slowly asking deeper and deeper questions) this can lead to an astonishing result.
Later, in chapter 6, we will discuss specificity, and the importance of being specific in your conversation. There are, however, times in which being specific is not desirable. Times when it is not to your advantage. Such times may include the use of some persuasive techniques, negotiation techniques, attempts to conceal certain information, and presentation and conversational techniques aimed at generating curiosity. ‘Conversational hooks’ are such devices.
A ‘conversational hook’ is device that aims to develop curiosity and (perhaps) interest in other topics of conversation, allowing the conversation itself to flourish into other directions. This is different than the methods used to direct the conversation, in that it does not necessarily control the direction in which the conversation will flow, but rather aims at capturing the client’s interest in other topics for the purpose of further prolonging the conversation.
The interesting thing about this method, is that it gives the appearance that the client is the one who has decided to move the conversation in the particular direction, so that the client feels he is in control… But what’s more, is that it causes the client to use probing questions, thus increasing his investment in the conversation (and possibly in the relationship).
A ‘conversational hook’ is designed by providing a statement or question, and leaving it in an incomplete status, much like a hook in a presentation where the presentation fulfills the curiosity set forth by the hook. Here, the conversation fulfills that curiosity. You can create a hook by making a statement or asking a question, and leaving it incomplete. Below are some methods of doing this:
1) Observational Fragment: Observational fragments are essentially incomplete sentences derived from the observation of something. These sentence fragments will usually start with some form of pronoun, such as “that”, “it”, “I” or “he”. Here are a few examples:
To use these statements as conversational hooks, you must insert them outside of the flow of ordinary conversation. Let’s look at one of these for example: “That’s really interesting.” On its own, this sentence fragment does not give any indication as to what “that” is; however, the context of the situation may give some indication toward this. Still, it does not give any indication as to what it is that is so interesting. This statement is designed to drive a person’s curiosity, and force them to ask “What is so interesting?” Once asked, this now allows opportunity to either continue the conversation or move the conversation in a direction involving the new topic.
2) The Flashback: The flashback is when you give a glimpse of an event or part of your past, but don’t provide all of the details. This can be done when the client does or says something that reminds of such a past event. You disclose a piece of information related to the past event and leave the client with a sense of incompletion or curiosity regarding your comment.
Let’s say you and your client were talking about a recent business meeting, and your client says “I think we covered a lot of ground during the meeting” – You could then say “Yes we did, it reminded me of a meeting I once had with my nephew when he first started his business”