Chapter 5
Make More Friends Through Language
Rapport is what happens when there is mutual understanding and when there is a degree of emotional resonance that exists, and perhaps even a feeling of personal synchrony. Below, we discuss several methods of establishing emotional resonance, and increasing rapport.
We are conditioned to unconsciously believe that those people who use our name, more specifically our first name, must be people whom we know. After all, strangers don’t just call us by our first name if they don’t know us… strangers would call us Mr. “_X_” or Mrs. “_Y_”.
Emotional resonance exists when there is a feeling of commonality between two communicators. Let me repeat… a FEELING of commonality. When two people in a conversation appear to have enough in common that they feel comfortable engaging deeper and deeper in conversation with each other, there is emotional resonance.
Conversely, emotional dissonance (also referred to as “emotional friction”) occurs when a person feels uncomfortable in conversation with another person. They may even feel uncomfortable simply being in the same vicinity as the person who has caused the emotional dissonance.
If your goal is to engage in satisfying conversations, and I’m sure it is…, then it’s important to understand what things cause emotional resonance, and which can cause emotional dissonance. After all, we (as humans) are all truly emotional creatures, and emotion will most often override our sense of logic and understanding. Dale Carnegie, in his book: “How To Win Friends And Influence People”, provides a great understanding of the causes of emotional resonance (of course, I don’t believe he actually uses the term “emotional resonance” in his book).
The short of it is, when you make people feel good – both in terms of themselves and in terms of the relationship, you create emotional resonance. When you make people feel bad, you create emotional dissonance. When you do not make people feel either good or bad, you do neither. The trick is to think about how people will feel about each phrase, before you say it.
# NOTE: In every conversation, you should attempt to gain both mutual understanding and emotional resonance.
To build good rapport through conversation, it is important to adhere to the standards, schemas and expectations of the listener. In basic terms, you need to be the kind of person others would want to build rapport with. It is therefore important to remember when communicating with others, regardless of whether that communication is verbal, written or non-verbal, that people are always making judgments about you, whether consciously or unconsciously. It is for this reason that is important to be cautious of the words you use, as well as the way in which words are used. You want to ensure that you are sending the right message through the totality of your conversation. Under some circumstances, you may also want to take advantage of the fact that you know they will be making such judgments about you – and they always do. Below we review some common perceptions about the manner in which communicators speak:
As noted earlier, people generally speak at a pace that corresponds to the way they think. Unfortunately, people generally perceive fast-speaking individuals as more intelligent; and slow-speaking individuals as less intelligent. It is also perceived by most, however, that people who speak too fast are emotional, erratic or even crazy – there is a fine medium somewhere, and nobody knows exactly where that is.
Correct pronunciation is a standard for intelligence. Most people would like to consider them intelligent beings, and as such want to have business relationships in an intelligent manner with other intelligent beings, regardless of the emotional content of a conversation. If you can't pronounce your words properly, the prospect will have some doubt as to your level of intelligence and thus also the level of intelligence behind your offer.
It is a natural tendency to speak with a "shaky" or unsteady voice when scared. The problem is that when the prospect on the telephone hears you speak with an unsteady voice, they too understand that you're scared, but don't usually associate that with the simple fear of conversation. Simply put, the prospect will quickly and unconsciously evaluate reasons why you would be scared, and the most common reasons are understood as:
1) Fear of deception being uncovered: There are many scams occurring throughout the world today, and the prospect will consider whether or not you are trying to commit a scam.
2) Lack of confidence: People speak with an unstable (or "shaky") voice not only when they are unconfident in themselves, but also when they are not confident in what they are saying, in their product/service, in their company, in their promise or guarantee, or generally in their offer in any way.
People with confidence speak out loud and give a feeling of power behind their voice, and their words. On the contrary, people with less confidence will tend to speak in a low and shallow voice. When portraying confidence through volume and ambience, be careful not to overdo it, as any overabundance of confidence can come across as being pompous and over-bearing; or possibly even arrogant.
Stutters are often perceived much in the same as vocal sturdiness. When you stutter a lot, people become curious as to whether or not you know what you’re talking about, whether you’re confident in what you are saying, or whether you are trying to hide something by not disclosing all of the information. If you are on the phone, they may think you’re reading from a script. Some may also think of constant stutters as an indication of your level of intelligence. If you have a stuttering problem that is out of your control, it may take several conversations for people to take note of that.
Intonation is a direct result of emotion… Without emotion people would probably speak monotonously – like robots. People who naturally speak with little intonation are said to be dull and boring individuals, while those who speak with consistently high degrees of intonation are thought of as eccentric.
Emotions, such as joy, anger, sadness, fatigue and doubt will come across in your conversations, and the listener will recognize them in your voice. The sheer sound of your voice and the way you use your sentences will change depending on your facial position as well as your body posture. These are mostly universal among all people, and thus easily recognized by your listener.
All professionals play the part of an actor - Regardless of your true emotions, you need to portray to the listener that you are happy and eager to be conversing with them. .
The level to which your sentences are well organized will also be a factor. When you start your second sentence half way through the first, or provide a series of ideas that are all unrelated, the prospect will believe you are “whishy-washy” or otherwise don’t really know what you are talking about. People expect a conversation to flow in an organized manner. And when it doesn’t, they have trouble keeping up, and will eventually stop listening and lose interest. Take a brief pause before you begin to speak, to organize your thoughts; and if required, take several pauses during your speech, allowing you to organize your thoughts, and allowing the prospect to digest smaller bits of information at a time.
All the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players.
- William Shakespeare
# NOTE: By mirroring and matching the client’s vocalization, you can ensure that any judgment they hold against you will be favorable – because they will evaluate you as similar to themselves. Sometimes, however, rather than matching and mirroring, you may want to portray qualities that are more favorable, both through your vocalization, as well as your body language.
People are all different! In conversation, we speak differently, we respond differently, and we process communication input differently. This is largely because we all have different personalities, experiences, and a different understanding of the world around us. And while we all recognize this is true, we are also quick to judge, and often even criticize others who are dissimilar from ourselves.
You can gain verbal rapport through conversation by first showing that you care enough about the conversation (and about the other person’s input) to ensure that you properly understand what is said; and second by using a similar communication style as the person you are attempting to build rapport with, to show that you are very similar to them. You will find several notes regarding this throughout this chapter, and throughout this book. Below, I’ve provided methods of building rapport through verbal style:
Mirroring means to copy, exactly, what the other person does or says, including their pace, tone, inflection and verbal style.
Matching means to perform some movement simultaneously or with a slight delay, every time the other person performs a certain action. It is the repetition of two matching actions that consistently happen in line with each other that reach the unconscious mind. Verbally, you can.
Paraphrasing means to rephrase what another person has said in your own words, intently reflecting the meaning behind what was said. It is useful when the other person’s words are not clear or when there may be more than one meaning to the words spoken and is usually followed by some type of confirmation of what has been said.
Parroting is similar to mirroring. Parroting is to directly repeat what the other person has said, but not necessarily with the same pace, tone or inflection. Parroting is often used to question the other person’s intent or meaning and is generally used with a rising tone at the end of the sentence.
People tend to use certain words more often than others, sometimes as a habit and sometimes more consciously. In either case, whether consciously or unconsciously, those words have a particular meaning to that individual. By restructuring your own sentences to incorporate those same words under similar context, the other person will register your use of their verbiage. Make sure that you fully understand the context or meaning behind the use of the words, otherwise you may appear somewhat foolish to the other person.
Verbal styles are often significant of a person’s interests, employment or personality. This not only includes industry-specific words but the way in which words are used together to form sentences.
Extrapolating means to consider the coming or future effects of what the other person has just said. This shows that you understand what was said by showing that you understand what the outcome(s) would be. You can conclude your extrapolation by questioning or asking them to confirm your understanding of the outcome
Encapsulating
Also called summarizing or recapping, this is when you repeat everything that the client has said in a shortened form (a summary). Summarizing their conversation in this way helps to ensure that you have understood what they have said
Echoing is similar to parroting, except that only the last word spoken by the client is repeated.
Grounding, or ‘conversational grounding’, is the process of letting the other person know that you heard his message, and that the message was understood. It creates a sense of mutual understanding as far as the conversation is concerned. Since conversation occurs in a reciprocal fashion [see chapter 1], there is much room for grounding to occur, even if it is not deemed necessary. There are five basic continuers for grounding that are commonly understood. These are:
1) Continued Attention: This includes a list of non-verbal signs and signals, such as nodding of the head, smiling / frowning, or making any gesture that can be understood as referring to what has been said.
2) Simple Acknowledgement: This includes words and phrases that show a sentence has been acknowledged and understood. Such may include: Yes, definitely, no way, sure, I see, etc.
3) Back-Channeling: In chapter 4 we discussed the use of non-verbal cues that may be used as methods of appropriate interruption. Those same non-verbal cues - uhhuh, ohhhh, yeah, mmmmm, and so on – may be used for grounding a conversation. The term back-channeling implies that two channels of communication are occurring simultaneously (the second, of course, being the use of minor non-verbal cues).
4) Interjection: When a speaker pauses, or leaves a sentence unfinished, a responder may “fill in the blank”, or otherwise input the missing information to show that he understands what the speaker had meant to say. See the example below…
Person A: “I’m hungry and uh…”
Person B: “You want to go for Pizza!”
Person A: “Yeah… Exactly!”
# NOTE: Some caution must be taken as interposing information into someone else’s conversation may be considered rude (it is essentially a form of interruption). However, if this is performed with appropriate timing, it can be a great display of understanding, and everybody wants to be understood… This, in turn, can aid in creating high levels of rapport. There is, however, also the risk of interjecting information that is viewed as incorrect, which could result in a loss of rapport”.
5) Clarification: Clarification can occur in two forms:
a) Clarifying Questions: These are questions designed to make a request for clarifying statements.
b) Clarifying Statements: These are statements that provide additional information that either provide additional descriptive information (adverbs and adjectives), or otherwise answer one or several ‘WH questions’ (who, what, when, where, why, and how). Either speaker or responder may make use of clarifying questions. For example:
Person A: “My colleague and I went for a drink at the new clubhouse”
Person B: “Yeah.”
Person A: “You know, the one by train house.”
* The above was an example of the speaker using clarifying statements. Below, we look at the same situation, where the responder uses clarifying statements.
Person A: “My colleague and I went for a drink at the new clubhouse”
Person B: “You mean the one by the train house”
Person A: “Yeah”
6) Alternative Descriptions: In conversation, people normally speak with one description of a noun or verb (a thing or an action). Grounding by alternative description means to provide some other meaning associated to that noun or verb, usually either through generalization, specificity. For example:
Person A: “Do you like flowers?”
Person B: “You mean like roses?”
7) Referential Installments: A referential installment is a method in which the speaker (not the listener) proactively grounds the conversation. It is a method by which the speaker awaits acknowledgement of some specified object or event, before continuing on with a discussion about that object or event. Below is an example of how this works…
Person A: “Do you see the empty bottle on the counter?”
Person B: “yes”
Person A: Can you please put that empty bottle in the recycling bin”
* In the above example, “Peron A” made reference to the empty bottle on the counter, awaited acknowledgement of the empty bottle by the responder “Peron B”, and then provided directions to be completed regarding the empty bottle.
Let’s look at another example…
Person A: “Did you see that car speeding down the road?”
Person B: “Yeah, that was crazy”
Person A: “I don’t know why drivers speed in public zones like that… It leaves a lot of room for accidents.”
* In the above example, “Person A” made reference to the speeding car before continuing on with his views about speeding cars in public zones”.
8) Indicative Gestures: Gestures may also be used to indicate objects or events. Such gestures may occur in real time, or they may be suggestive of objects and events that occur in the past or future. They may include pointing, looking, touching, gestures that suggest shape, etc. Even references to time are often made by either pointing forward with the forefinger, or point over the shoulder with the thumb.
As you appeal to the verbal style of others, you will find a shift in personality occurs as you begin to match their personality more closely. Do this often enough, and you may just begin to forget who you are… Ok, just kidding! The better you understand their personality, the better you are able to use matching and mirroring techniques as described above. It is difficult, however, to completely understand the full personality of each and every individual we meet, and even more difficult to remember those personalities for future reference, and so it makes more sense to group distinguishing features together into groups. There are many theories of personality style that exist, however, the model that I find easiest to work with is the four-type personality styles created by David W. Merrill and Roger H. Reid.
Merrill and Reid classified personality as being in one of four distinct categories. They are:
1) Driver: The driver type tend to be emotionally controlled and often appear to be controlling, knowledgeable, forceful, strong-minded and self-confident. The Driver has clear objectives, which often seem to create a sense of urgency.
Driver-type individuals will respond to timely follow-up, attentive listening, evidence and factual support, and solutions that reflect an understanding of their goals.
This type appreciates those who listen attentively with a goal-oriented focus. When providing a presentation, they prefer results and fact-oriented information with a focus on the outcome.
The Driver tends to respond to stress by becoming autocratic. They want to take control of the situation, and usually feel that they have to do so because no one else has the ability to handle the situation. In confrontations, they exert unwarranted power and may belittle others.
# NOTE: With Driver-type individuals, stick the facts, and ask questions about specifics, actions and results. Communicate objectively, and disagree with facts rather than their opinions.
2) Analytical: Analytical people, just as the name suggests, tend to analyze almost everything. These people tend to be intelligent, organized and efficient with detail-oriented objectives. Analytical people are known for being systematic, well-organized and deliberate.
The analytical types appreciate facts and information presented in a logical manner as documentation of truth. Others may see them at times as being too cautious and overly structured. These types are dependable and very thorough in their work. They generally prefer to keep their distance – emotionally.
This type responds best to a professional and structured approach in which logic and data are provided through factual evidence.
The Analytical, like the amiable, don’t like stress, and are likely to do whatever they need to in order to avoid stressful situations. When these situations are unavoidable, they will look for the most logical outcome, without regard for individuals’ emotions.
# NOTE: Much like conversation with Drivers, with Analytics you will also want to stick to the facts, but use specifics and don’t over-estimate. Discuss the reasoning behind what is said, and use questions that begin with “Why” often. Bring faults and deficiencies up front.
3) Expressive: The expressive type, like the Amiable, are relationship-driven, but often prefer to be the center of attention. They are outgoing and dramatic. These people are emotional and enthusiastic with high energy levels, familiar in dealing with other people, and generally quick to open conversation or communicate. They are also great idea generators, but usually do not have the ability to see the idea through to completion.
Expressive individuals respond best to open and trusting relationships, team-building, and enjoy discussions with good listening and a good line of questioning. They also appreciate being able to provide creative input.
# NOTE: With the expressive type, you want to build discussions around both facts and people (not just facts), giving information in brief segments, and asking questions often. You may also want to summarize often to ensure they have captured all relevant details. Use stories that are short, and fast-moving.
4) Amiable: The amiable type is extremely relationship-driven. As such, they are dependable, loyal and easygoing, and tend to be interactive, personable and cooperative. They like things that are non-threatening and friendly. Amiable individuals generally dislike dealing with impersonal details and cold hard facts, and will take time to establish trusting personal relationships with business associates and also tend to work closely with others to obtain and process information, as well as discover solutions. This type is often described as a warm person who is sensitive to the feelings of others but at the same time is considered to be wishy-washy, flamboyant or eccentric.
This type responds best to cooperation, careful listening and support of each other’s personal goals. Provide them with third-party references and guarantees, and perhaps let them assist in the decision making process – this will make them feel close to you. It is because the Amiable doesn’t like stress, especially inter-personal conflicts, that they are likely to consent or comply passively with others in stressful situations.
# NOTE: With the Amiable, you may want to begin conversations by asking about their personal self – interests, family, etc. Appear as helpful and agreeable as possible, and act on joint and common ground. Use personal assurance and specific guarantees and avoid options, probabilities and conversations about risky situations. Show a lot of empathy and exercise much patience.
Conversational Postulate is a term taken from the works of Milton Erickson, a renowned hypnotist; to most, these ideas are known as “softening questions”, “softening statements” or “softening the conversation”. Conversational Postulate is a term used to define the mannerism of conversation whose intent is to appear less abrupt by simply being nice about things. For example: When sitting at a dinner table and the person next to you asks “Can you pass the salt?”, they actually want you to pass the salt, and are not asking about your ability to pass the salt. However, if they had simply said “Pass the salt”, this may have been viewed as rude.
Conversational postulate, therefore, includes the use of polite questions that replace direct statements. Below are some examples of what such phrases may include:
Using conversational postulate is an important part of removing, eliminating or reducing resistance in your statements or commands. This is because people generally do not like being told what to do, and even if they understand that there is no ill intention behind the statement or command, consciously or unconsciously, it is still processed with abrupt implications.
This concept is very important in business and sales, and for converting statements into suggestions. For example, instead of saying “You need to buy my product now!”, you would say “You can buy my product now, if you want to.” The second statement creates less emotional friction and reduces resistance to the purchase; while the first statement may have induced the fight or flight syndrome. Even if the client chooses not to move forward with a decision at that moment, the suggestion has been planted. Used in combination with other forms of persuasive language and suggestion, this is much more powerful than an attempt to coerce the client.
Some words create a stronger response than others. This may be due to the meaning or intent that is implied through the use of these words, or it may be because the words evoke some learned social or cultural understanding. There may also be some reactive behaviors that have been learned on an individual basis, and has become an unconscious reaction.
These are words that produce different emotional anchors.
Positive trigger words, also referred to as simply trigger words or “hot words”, are words or phrases that produce emotional anchors. They will be different for every individual; however, some Hot Words will be common for individuals who share a certain personality or characteristic trait. Hot words tend to excite positive emotions very quickly, and drive us to a peak.
Below is a sample of some common “hot words” that are familiar to most people:
1) Bonus: People are attracted to situations where they can get a better value for the same cost. Simply hearing phrases such as “As a bonus…” or “You’ll also get a bonus…” causes people to perk up and pay attention.
2) Secret: People like to feel special, and one way of feeling special is to know something that no-body else knows… To have the insider information.
3) Win Big: Much like the feeling of getting bonus, the feeling of winning something is one of gain, and emotional pride in having “won”. The word “big” afterward augments the idea of winning dramatically. The use of these words with positive or absolute denotation can create anticipation in the listener.
4) Dream: Everybody has dreams. Some aspire to those dreams. When you talk to people about their dreams, you activate deep desires within them that allow passion to escape.
* In addition to the few common hot words above, people may also have hot words that are more specific to them. Hot words are often related to specific situations that surround a person’s life. For example: A new born mother would be very sensitive to the word “baby”; a new home owner would be sensitive the word “home”; and a new business owner would be sensitive to the words “increase revenue” and possibly “business growth”.
# NOTE: Take some time to make a list of all the “hot words” that are relevant to your clients, and (in the right circumstance) use these hot words as part of your conversation.
The opposite of hot words, these are words that cause some form of negative response in people, due to their meaning or implication. They create negative emotional anchors in people, and are generally common across different types of people. However, they may be more powerful for individuals who share a certain personality or characteristic trait. Let’s take a look at some of these:
1) Lose: Most people are afraid of loss. People are generally more afraid of losing something than they are willing to gain the same amount. For example: Would you spend $100 now for the possibility of gaining $200 next week? What if I told you that you were guaranteed to turn $100 today into $200 next week? What if I showed you proof? Would you up the