The quartet of infinite intelligence, as Mayank would love to call them, the top and middle
management pillars of his newspaper were faced with a precarious situation.
The Boss had asked
them to hold a meeting among themselves and list those areas in their respective fields which
affected the work excellence and quality management. He had asked them to then come to his
hotel suite for a post-lunch meeting with him and discuss solutions of all outstanding problems.
The editor, general manager, sales and marketing heads were at loss as what they were supposed
to do. Fifteen minutes had passed since the start of the meeting but nothing was discussed.
“What is this work excellence and quality management stupidity...fuck this bloody job...who the
bastard devised such cactus ideas that owners use to bleed the asshole of their employees”, the
editor said in utter exasperation.
“Editor Saaheb, Marco Polo traversed over twenty- four thousand kilometers and visited many
countries in search of the excellence and quality but still he could not find one. How can you find
it in an hour?s meeting? I think, you should go to the Boss, hand over your resignation to him
and take off to an unending journey similar to Marco Polo”, the sales head said in his typical
jocular style.
“Editor Saheb, I think I can understand a bit what the Boss meant”, the marketing head
intervened, looking serious as he would always be.
“Please...keep your knowledge to yourself. Am I interested? Am I troubled?
I am doing as best
as I could. If Boss asks me, I will simply say, given the team of idiots in the editorial, I am
bringing out the best possible newspaper. And despite that, editorial quality is the best in the
market. The poor newsprint and those typical sales problems are none of my concerns. If the
management cannot sell a good content what the editorial can do? I have no quality problems
rather; it is my efforts that even these idiots in my team deliver excellent results”.
“Editor Saheb, we are using the best quality newsprint. Others use the foreign and Indian
newsprint in 40:60 ratios whereas we do it 45:55. You cannot complain about the newsprint”, an
irritated general manager said.
“Then...that shifts the blame on the sales team. But can we sell apples if we are given peanuts.
Sales is a simple love affair. What looks good sells good. And I am not talking about the face but
the whole body. The most voluptuous and ripe whore gets the best price.
Customer satisfaction is
not in the face and limbs; it is in the torso of the body. I have time and again said that the
newspaper has emaciated torso pages. Customer has a choice and he will buy the best. Or, I
suggest you lower the price. Even then you may not get the desired result.
If you ask me, I am
not sleeping with a flat-chest size-zero whore even if she comes free.”
“I also feel that something is missing in our pages. The same news we have in our newspaper too
but you get more satisfaction when you read it in rival newspaper. I do not understand much
about the content thing but it seems, they present it better and the layout is also clean”, the
general manager added, looking expectantly at the sales head.
“Sir..., with due respect to all, my trouble is that my clients say they get lower response per ad
insertion even when we claim, as per the latest IRS figures that our readership has gone up. The
rivals have edge over us as clients feel their response ratio is better than us”, the marketing head
said avoiding eye contact with the editor.
“It is quite natural...that is what I was saying”, the editor picked up his arsenal, “it is because of
the faulty sales policy…how can you expect good response when you sell the newspaper to the
tea stall, roadside vendors and petty retailers. Haven?t I complained in the past that the sales guys
never visit the apartments and affluent households? And how can you expect this from these
sales guys who look no better than street-side loafers. They look as intimidating as recovery
agents of a private sector bank. And what about the poor quality gifts the sales team has
distributed to the readers for the subscription schemes?”
“Editor Saheb, only recently you complained that sales guys were paid more than your editorial
people and they looked like sahibs in comparison to the later. You had even told the boss that
your editorial team had inferiority complex vis-a-vis the sales guys as they were given smart
dresses from company whereas your team wore the same stinking shirt for three days. This
blame game serves no purpose. Newspaper is like a team work, I am not denying that but there is
also no second opinion that it is the product and its USP that creates brand. The brand searches
its own market. We only ensure that if there is a demand, our channels are in place to keep the
stocks ready and on top of the shelf”, the sales head said, looking straight in the eye of the editor,
keeping his left arm on his shoulders.
“Pandey Ji, it is easy to say things. I accept, content is the real brand but this brand is raped every
day. You expect us to swim with our hands tied. You yourself sold the newspaper like a hot cake
the day we broke the medical scam story. What happened? Everyone, including the Boss is out to
cut a slice out of my ass. And that is not only it. Somebody has even gone on to blame it on my
boozing. Areh..! I have been taking liquor since my college days and if that was such a big doom
for me, I would not have been an editor for the last fifteen years. The problem is, editorial is like
the young widow of a poor man whom everyone wants to rape and then declare her a witch.”
“Oh ho...! Editor Saheb, you always look at things from a wrong angle”, the sales head said.
“Why the hell you feel editorial is a week and meek widow? I tell you a story I was told recently.
Once there was a global convention on women?s right and women of all ages from countries all
over the world had gathered to discuss measures and action for betterment of women?s plight,
especially working out a plan to protect them from the torture of men folk.
Serious speeches
were being made and there was so much noise. In the midst of all these, a beautiful teenage girl
sat on the front row of seats and kept polishing her nails, looking completely disinterested and
disenchanted by happenings around her. Many women were watching her and finally a woman
speaker from the dais could not tolerate it. She called the girl on stage and said to all women
present there, „we are discussing such grave issue of women?s deprivation and torment by men
and this young lady thinks her nail polish is more important than all our issues. Such women
actually are responsible for our plight?. All women present said, „shame…
shame…? The girl
remained unmoved; kept polishing her nails. She went up to the mike and said, „your problems
are yours, I do not have any, you consider the men as such big demons but I make them dance on
the tip of my small finger?. She stepped down from the dais rocking her ass”.
“So you mean to say that I should also walk confidently swaying my ass!
Hell on you...already
so many people are wanting a piece of my troubled ass and if I start swinging it, how many hell
will break loose on me on daily basis?”, the editor replied laughingly.
The general manager looked irritated but he chose not to say anything. The editor was making
indirect remarks on him and he was shocked that the sales head had clearly shifted his loyalties
to his rival. The sales head had apparently chosen the lesser devil to square up with the lord of
devils. The editor could sense the support and he was elated at his possible smooth sail when he
would confront the Boss, though he had not completely dropped his guard against the sales head.
The marketing head pointed out, looking at his wristwatch that they were getting late for the
proposed post- lunch meeting with the Boss. The general manager asked them all to end the
meeting and move to the hotel. The editor was however enjoying the irritation of the general
manager and wished to indulge more.
“General Manager Saheb, a few minutes back Pandey Ji has told you that the torso of your
newspaper is emaciated. You don?t pay enough; don?t even allow enough leaves to sleep well, at
least make mandatory provision for coffee and sandwiches in such important meetings like this.
What did the Boss say...? Yes, work efficiency and quality management...!
Huh...empty stomach
deputed as security guard for chicken biryani...! Pandey Ji, this work efficiency thing is not for
me...even my great grandpa would not venture into it...you better call Marco Polo...you said it
quite right, I am going to offer my resignation to Boss and will go home with whatever is left of
my devastated ass. The number of attacks my ass has survived is more than the attacks India
faced from Mohammad Ghauri to Lord C urzon.”
“Subhanallah...! What great knowledge of history! Editor Saheb, you must have been the topper
of you school in your tenth grade exam?”
“Huh...I would not have been in this thankless job of a baniya had I been the topper.”
The general manager had no option but to order chicken sandwiches and coffee.
The Boss was on his couch and sipping black tea when the attendant ushered in the four. The
sales head was the most vocal of the four and least timid when with the Boss and that is why he
was not afraid of sitting on the nearest sofa of the Boss?s couch.
“What you like to drink in day time Editor Saheb”, the Boss broke the silence.
“Nothing...I do not drink at day time...only late evening.”
“No..no, you took me wrong, I meant to say tea or coffee”, the Boss said smiling, “but anyway,
people say you even enjoy whisky at day time?”
“In winter, when you exhale, smoke like thing comes out of your mouth but it does not mean you
have fire burning in your stomach. The myopic vision sees demon in the cloud. I doubt; the
global warming is more the result of the heat of jealousy that has gone up manifold in recent
years.”
“Is the room temperature here okay with you or should I ask the attendant to pep up the airconditioner
knob”, the Boss asked, smiling.
The editor understood there was no sense stretching the issue. He simply returned the smile. First
time in hours, the general manager also did manage a grin.
As the coffee was served, all four waited for the Boss to start the conversation. Nobody wished
to take the lead and face the first ire of the Boss.
“At the very outset, I want to make a few things very clear. Our media house is not part of a
group of industries. We are not running this newspaper as a shield or pride for other sister
concerns. You all know, we are only into media. It is why we have to be fitter and smarter to
survive. Our profit motive has to be more aggressive than some other media houses. Our survival
and growth depends on our profits alone as we do not have profits from other verticals to feed
the newspaper. Now, life is tougher for us as we have twin swords hanging from both back and
front. On the front, we have public to answer to as we have taken huge moneys from share
market. On the back are our international partners as we have also availed foreign direct
investment (FDI). We cannot take profitability casually. Twenty years back, when I joined my
father in this business, profit was as unpredictable as monsoon but my father would sleep well. I
cannot, though I can control profits better. But, this is how things are; we all have to breathe
whatever the reality of ambient air is. However, this does not mean that profit is all that we
should care. We sell a product which has social utility; we have an emotional connect with our
customers. Profitability does not mean that we compromise on quality, especially the human
quality. The excellence is not only confined to profit maximization; it is a way of seeing work as
a commitment towards overall satisfaction. Am I making myself amply clear?”
There was complete silence. All four were too apprehensive to say anything.
Anyway, they were
not sure to whom the Boss directed his words and what exactly he wanted.
Not that his sincerity
was above doubt.
Bad habit like an itch has its own inherent pleasure. The hierarchy system in work models has
created such safe havens where any non-performing and stupid employee can breathe easy. One
can pass the blame either on the boss or on the subordinates. Hierarchy ensures, success is
nobody?s sole prerogative and failure is nobody?s individual problem. The public sector knows it
better than private sector but, along the vast sea of private sector, there are beautiful beaches of
hierarchical non-performance where all people, from a clerk to CEO enjoy the blue comfort.
Nobody wants initiative in business as it will not only mean extra work, but worse than that, the
added trouble of the hierarchy. One?s work in any stage of the hierarchy means added share for
all. The top people would never bother to take initiative because of the pain involved in taking
along all his subordinates to be involved in this initiative. The hierarchy desiderates it. Even
most competent and hard working top management guy would shiver at the idea of carrying the
entire hierarchy on his own shoulders. That is why, top people devise such work patterns which
either individualizes excellence or skips hierarchy problems. There are magician CEOs in
industry who get astronomical pays for their individual excellence but if they are asked to ensure
that their excellence gets broad-based, that is; the same excellence is reflected in the subordinate
hierarchy, they will either quit or fail. The Boss knew it quite well that all four of his top and mid
management guys were smart operators in their individual capacities but extremely poor as team
people. None of the four had ever taken any initiative or interest in subordinate building. The
Boss knew; he had a difficult task at hand. He knew it; the four were never going to be a team for
achieving a collective goal, as they believed more on balance of power politics than the power of
the balance.
The sales head would always be the one to break the silence.
“We do understand that we are facing difficult times. I have read that corporate biggies are
slashing their advertising spends and GM sahib was telling us that our advertising revenue has
fallen by 35 per cent because of the economic slowdown. This throws a challenge for all of us to
put in place new structures for ensuring higher work efficiency and excellence; that too quickly
after ascertaining the procedural or other bottlenecks.”
“Pandey Ji, please leave the task of mouthing the management jargon to some CEO of some big
FMCG corporation. You better stick to your Marco Polo intelligence. It suits us better. What
would Marco Polo say in these situations?”
“Blessed be his soul in heaven. Better, he died before the liberalization era and the globalization
pains otherwise he could not even move out of his country...! Visas are so difficult today.
Anyway he would have been detained by FBI at some American airport. ”
“And what would he say about our newspaper?”
“This is what I was telling Editor Saheb in the meeting we had just before we came here.
Newspaper is not only about first and last pages. Somehow, we have not been successful in
having good content in inside pages. The fizz is missing in our soft drink bottle; though like the
rival, our bottle is also full and same size, same price too.”
“Editor Saheb does not drink soft drinks, he likes whisky and it has zing, no fizz”, the owner
made a remark to hit the chord with the editor.
“It has the fizz...I do not take whisky with water like Pandey Ji, I take it with soda.”
“Okay, Pandey Ji, if you are made the editor, what would you do to improve the content of
newspaper in these inside pages”, the Boss asked.
“Sir, one can change his bed, it is easy, but one cannot change his bed partner, however
dissatisfied one is from both his life and wife”, the editor intervened before the sales head could
speak.
“Editor Saheb, nobody is going to change even your bed sheet, let alone bed and bed partner. I
am not a content person anyway. Whatever I said about the newspaper content is not even as a
sales person but as a reader. As a reader I get bored. I may not complain but younger readers do
want freshness and fizz in the content. ”
“It is only natural, everybody is. Are you not bored seeing the same wife every day and eating
the same dishes she makes, even when as a simple onlooker, I rate her most beautiful woman
after Meena Kumari and Madhubala”, the editor said.
“Editor Saheb, no personal comments here, we are discussing newspaper.
Please stick to basic
things. Consider this as a valid complaint. What do you think is the reason about dull mid
pages?”
“I beg to differ. I do not think the complaint is valid. Editorial business is like digging up a well
daily to quench your thirst. The content quality cannot be expected to be standardized for all
thirty days of the month. We have threadbare team strength in the editorial after we were forced
to cut down on them. Someday, more people are either on off or leave, it affects quality. It is
easy for anyone to say that rival newspaper has more fizz in their content but things should be
compared in totality. The general manager will be better aware that they have better fizz also in
payment structure and team strength. The salt and pepper make the food better and a gift of
diamond ring to wife makes the bed hotter...!”
“Oh ho...Editor Saheb, cannot you say anything without having to refer to either wife or the bed?
Pandey Ji, can you make out why he is so obsessed by the two things?”
“Sir, Marco Polo had once said something related to both these in 13th century itself...he had very
sound opinion about them...”
“Yes…yes! I want to listen to that...historical prudence is evergreen solution.”
“Marco Polo was a veritable genius. He had learnt four languages and traveled over 24,000
kilometers in 24 years of his travel all over Asia. He was a stupendous merchant having astute
business sense. You can well understand how great he was as he could do profitable business
even with Chinese people and made a huge fortune...”
“Pandey Ji, please come to the point straightaway...we know he was genius otherwise you would
not have been his fan; that is for sure...”
“Okay. I am told, he had once confided to one of his friends that all his travels and business
could make him learn a reality which is applicable to all humans across nations and society.
Most economic activities in this world originate from two sources- the bed and the bed partner.
History of mankind would not be same if these two were not in the reckoning. The bed and the
wife are the source of all struggles in life. Men would go to war if they do not get comfortable
bed and comforting bed partners. I say it metaphorically; Editor Saheb understands it well. And,
remember, the famous silk route Marco Polo traveled. Silk makes the best bed sheets. I have
been telling Editor Saheb that newspaper is also reached to readers when they are in bed. Also,
wife?s today decide which newspaper the family will read but he does not give enough content
for wives. Let alone a diamond ring, he has never ever bought bangles for his wife. ”
“Pandey Ji, it is then better that we close the newspaper and start making silk bed sheets”, the
editor said.
“Sorry, I am not going to close the newspaper. But, we are going to continue our efforts for
qualitative changes in the newspaper so that overall work efficiency is improved. I suggest, you
all call a general meeting of your respective departments shortly and discuss an action plan
aimed at achieving the goal. You all should come up with your presentations and I will take the
meeting next week.”
The general manager was about to say something when the mobile phone of the owner rang up.
The Boss did not say anything and ended the call in a jiffy.
“The meeting is over, please follow my instruction and give me a date by tomorrow for the next
week meeting. And Editor Saheb, I want you here tomorrow 8 am sharp. We have an
appointment with the chief minister at 8.30 and I cannot afford to be late.
I hope you understand
the importance of tomorrow meeting?”
The editor nodded in utter confusion. The Boss smiled at the bewilderment of the editor. The
editor had more in store as he would see Mayank with Boss the next day. He would be shocked
to see the chief minister being convinced and the Boss tell a big lie about the rival newspaper
editor with aplomb.
**