CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The news hit me like a bulldozer and damn near ripped my heart out of my chest!
I had just started seeing Jack but we weren't an official couple. Things were going well but it was still early days. We hadn't told anybody at the football team yet. We had spent the night together after our kiss. The sex was the best I have ever had by a mile! We practically did it all night! It was easily the best night of my life! Waking up next to him and knowing I was with someone who cared about me, and vice versa, was all I had wanted from life since I was sixteen.
That didn't seem to matter though when I heard the news; in fact nothing mattered. There was a knock on my parents door. As my mum opened up, I could hear a familiar voice from upstairs. It sure sounded like my mum knew the person in question.
“Dominic. Come down here! Quickly!” my mum demanded.
She sounded devastated.
“Dominic. Quick. It's Tom's mum,” she continued.
That made sense. Tom's mum and my mum were close. We had introduced them to each other a few years ago. They chatted away for hours and had been close very since.
I sensed very bad news. I rushed down the stairs only half dressed in t-shirt and boxer shorts.
Tom's mum was crying into my mum's arms.
I didn't know what know to think but needed to know what was happening. “What is it, mum? Please tell me!”
My mum answered. “It's Tom, Dominic. He's gone. He's passed away. I'm so sorry.”
Tom's mum was utterly inconsolable and probably couldn't have said anything even if she wanted to too.
I collapsed onto the stairs and cried my eyes out.
But I needed the details to try and comprehend what I had heard.
“What happened?” I asked
Tears were streaming down my entire face like never before.
“Come and sit down,” my mum said. “I'll make as all a cup of tea.”
I sat and hugged Tom's mum with all my strength. I wanted to give her some comfort. I was struggling to breathe, struggling to live with what I heard. Mum brought the tea in and some biscuits.
“Do you mind if I tell him?” my mum asked Tom's mum.
“No of course not. He deserves to know what happened,” came the reply as she dabbed her eyes with tissues my mum had given her.
“Well, Dominic. There's been a car crash.”
I was looking directly at my mum.
She could see the devastation I was feeling. She knew how much I loved him.
Tom's mum explained the rest. “They're all dead, Dominic! My poor Tom! He was driving. There was this giant lorry. Apparently it skidded on the road, or something, and smashed head first into Tom's car! Tom's girlfriend was in the passenger seat and they're both dead! I can't believe it!”
She was struggling to cope with the grief.
I completely understood why.
“Fucking hell, this is fucking shit, everything is fucking shit!” I let out furiously.
Mum came up to me and hugged me as hard as she could.
I felt like a zombie. I couldn't get my head around it.
A while later, I left my mum to console Tom's mum and headed upstairs. I got into bed and stared at the ceiling for god knows how long. It felt like an eternity. I would have done absolutely anything to have him back; absolutely anything!
I was more angry than I had ever been. He was so young! That fucking bastard lorry driver! I didn't even know who was at fault, but utter hatred filled my heart towards them. I loved Tom and he was gone forever. I didn't even see him again after I told him I loved him. Not once!
My phone beeped and broke me out of my crazed state.
I can't wait to see you tomorrow gorgeous. Missing you loads. I've had the most amazing time together so far.
It was from Jack.
All I felt was sheer anger. I was furious at myself. My best friend has died and I hadn't seem him in ages. I let my love for him ruin the most important friendship of my life. Why did I have to tell him? Why couldn't I just have accepted he was straight? We were best friends and my fucking love for him spoilt everything. And now he's dead. I might as well be dead as well. Life isn't worth going on without him!
A few days later, I met up with Jack at his place. He assumed I had gone off him because I was ignoring his texts and his phone calls. He was annoyed with me and that was understandable; but he understood when I explained everything.
“Sorry for ignoring you, Jack. I was grieving. I still am every minute of the day. You see he's the best friend I've ever had. Nobody has come close before or since. He meant everything to me.”
Jack was listening intently and trying to comfort me by stroking my hair.
I carried on. “I was madly in love with him for years. I still am to be honest. I'm sorry you probably hate hearing that. I dreamed and dreamed that he would become gay and we would live happily every after. It was teenage stuff, a fantasy, but it felt so damn real to me. I can't get my head around the fact I will never be able to speak to him again.
Jack was amazingly understanding about it.
I was confident enough to tell Jack everything. “It all went wrong when he got a girlfriend and then she got pregnant. It broke my heart; life wasn't worth living. I had to try and accept that me and him would never happen. But I couldn't get over him. I couldn't accept that he couldn't love me back.
Jack spoke up. “Unrequited love is very hard. I'm not saying I had it as bad as you have it, but I've felt it. I think I understand a little bit.”
“Are you made at me, Jack?” I asked him
“Of course not. You loved him, I get it. We've only known each other a short time, less than a month. You knew him for years. Plus, you were younger and discovering you were gay. It's an extremely hard time of our lives. It's bound to cause a lot of pain and heartache.”
He made a lot of sense
I thanked him. “You're great, Jack. Thanks for being so understanding and supportive. It's just I never got to see him after I told him I loved him. He knew I was gay and I think he was OK with that. But I haven't spoke to him since I told him I loved him. I've no idea how he felt about me at the end. What if hated me?”
Jack disagreed. “I doubt that very much. You were his best friend, he wouldn't have hated you. I'm sure he was happy you told him the truth in the end. He had his life with his girlfriend and was probably really busy. Also, he probably needed time to come to terms with you being gay after all those years.”
“I hope you're right, Jack. But now I will never see him again. I will never be able to make it right and get my best friend back. His poor family and his girlfriend's family. He had everything: a girlfriend and a kid on the way. And it just all got yanked away! This world is completely fucking pointless!”
The funeral was about a week later. It was a horrendous experience. I struggled to get through every second of it. My heart went out to his family. My feelings surely paled massively in comparison with there's. I had known him for four years, that's all. If I feel like this, how on earth do families cope with such grief? Jack was magnificent through the whole torrid ordeal. We weren't an official couple yet; he knew I couldn't think about us and the future at the moment. We had grown extremely close though.
I spent a few minutes alone with Tom's mum in the aftermath of the funeral. She's was extremely gracious despite the mind-numbing grief she was obviously feeling at losing her only child.
“I've been meaning to talk you about this for a long time, Dominic,” she began. “Every since I came round to tell you the news.”
“It's OK,” I responded, trying to smile.
“Well, Tom came to speak to me about you shortly before he died.”
“Did he?” I said eagerly.
I didn't know where this was heading.
“Yes he did, Dominic. He was very upset about what happened between you two.”
“Was he?” I asked. “It really upset me too. He was my best friend. What did he say to you about us? Did he tell you everything?”
“I think so,” she said confidently. “He told me you said you loved him and had done basically every since you two first met. Is that right?”
I was red-faced but in agreement. “That's right, yeah.”
“Well,” she continued. “He told you me that he was shocked about it, he didn't have a clue that you were gay or in love with him, and he wasn't sure how to be around you and deal with it. He was worried the friendship had become awkward so he choose to keep some distance. He didn't know what to say about it and was worried he might offend you in some way if he spoke to you before he was ready.”
“I thought it might be awkward,” I agreed. “But I just didn't know if he hated me or not. I thought he would think I had lied to him all these years and didn't want to know me any more.”
“That's not true, Dominic. He told me even though he was worried about seeing you that you were his best friend and always would be no matter what. He didn't care that you were gay. He was glad you were happier after telling him the truth and desperately wanted you back in his life.”
“Thank you so much,” I told his mum. “Hearing this has made me feel much better about the whole situation. Please promise me he said these things? It's just I've been overcome with guilt about the whole thing.”
“I promise, Dominic. I wouldn't tell you a lie. I needed you to know how my son felt about you. He would have wanted me to tell you.”
“I would do anything to have him back,” I told his mum.
“Me too, Dominic. Life can be so cruel! But we need to try and get on with our lives. That's what my Tom would have wanted us to do. He knew we loved him and he wouldn't want us to be all depressed and down. He was such a happy person, he would want us to celebrate his life. Do you believe in god and heaven, Dominic?”
“I don't know,” I told her honestly. I've never thought about it, prayed or been to church. But, if it's true, why would he be taken from us?”
“He died in a tragic accident, Dominic. I don't think god can control everything. I've been a Christian all my life and I do believe Tom is smiling down on us right now, hoping we are OK and able to move on. I believe that one day we will be reunited with him in heaven. I have to believe that, Dominic!”
“I hope so, I really do. More than anything!” I concluded.