CHAPTER SEVEN
Me and Tom met a college over three years ago. I fell in love with him within weeks, probably even days. He's got lovely short dark hair and mysterious eyes and the most kissable lips I've ever seen. His broad shoulders and bulging biceps make me go all gooey inside even today. He is my idea of pure perfection in the male species.
We first chatted randomly in an English class. We were sat next to each other and the teacher put us together to work on a project. I was mesmerised by his rugged beauty. He's so kind and funny, and interesting and perfect to me; he always has been. I understand what love is every single second I have in his presence. I have fantasised about kissing him and having sex with him more times than you can probably imagine somebody could have in a four year period and it never gets boring.
We were part of a close-knit group of friends all through college. We used to get teased about being gay with each other by some of the others because were so close. I didn't feel aggrieved in the slightest; in fact I loved it. I just had to pretend I was annoyed.
I tried many times to tell him I loved him with all my heart. There's were lots and lots of times we were alone. The gym was unbearable; watching him working out, dripping in sweat whilst working his magnificent muscles was mind-boggling. When he stayed over at my house, we would share a bed so he didn't have to sleep on the floor and, of course, I made sure I had a good discrete look every time. It was absolutely agonising sharing a bed. We would top and tail so it wasn't too weird. He didn't know but I would have a constant hard-on. I worried about seducing him in my sleep. Maybe I should have done and blamed it on a dream about some hot girl. Maybe he would have let me seduce him. It never happened though. I really wanted him to be my first!
For the first few years of our friendship, neither of us really cared about relationships. Obviously, I wanted one with him but was too scared to tell him. We would spend so much time together; going to the cinema, watching football and going to the gym plus working and studying at the same place.
Even if he was somehow gay why would be fancy me? I think I've grown into my looks a bit over the last few years and put on some muscle to look a bit more manly. But back in college he was a toned Adonis and I was thin, pale and spotty. He is still much better looking than me today. I think he gets hotter and hotter each time I see him.
I replied to Tom's text within the hour:
I'm sorry if this is a shock to you. I don't know how else to say it. But I'm gay and always have been. Sorry for lying but I was scared of ruining our friendship by telling you.
I had written down several drafts using pad and paper. There was a collection of waste paper in the kitchen bin growing by the minute.
He replied within a few minutes:
OK mate. That's cool. I had no idea. But it doesn't change anything. You're still my best mate. Thanks for telling me. Are you OK?
I quickly replied:
Thanks for your understanding mate. It means the world to me. I was so scared of losing you.
I was glad I had told him. But I needed to get in all off my chest. The fact he had a girlfriend and baby on the way couldn't stop me. I felt bad but had to finish the job or else I wouldn't be able to move forward.
I didn't wait for his reply, I sent him another text:
I understand you've got a girlfriend and a baby but I have to tell you this. It's driven me mad keeping this secret from you for so long. I'm in love with you, Tom. I always have been. Please don't hate me. I can't bare to lose you. Love Dominic.
There was no reply from Tom. I checked my phone practically every minute and nothing. I felt like I'd poured out every thing I had been feeling the last three years and I had nothing left. I just lay there in a daze. I wished I had some tranquillizers to knock me out.
He was fine with me being gay. So I don't need to worry about that. Having told him and my mum, being gay no longer seemed to be the problem. The problem was I didn't know what he Tom thinking about me telling him I was in love with him. He ignored my last text so he must be mad at me.
I tried to call him but it cut off.
He must have rejected the call.
I tried again.
He must have done the same thing.
I tried again.
It just rang all the way to voice mail. I left him a long rambling message:
Hi Tom. I know this all must be a massive shock. I hate myself more than you can imagine for hiding it from you. You're my best friend in the whole world. I never meant to fall in love with you; It just happened. You're just so amazing I couldn't control it. I know you've got a girlfriend you're happy. I do respect that. But please understand I had to tell you. It was tearing me apart. I've only told my mum I'm gay today, the rest of my family don't even know. My friends don't know. I've left my job today because it's all too much for me. I don't think I can live with you mad at me. Please get in touch as soon as possible.
The minutes went by so slowly. I just stared into space waiting for my phone to make a noise. I kept checking it was still working. I even took the battery out and put it back in again to make sure. I was pacing around the room like a caged lion. I had no idea what else to do. I needed advice, so I called my mum.
“Hi Dominic. Are you OK?” she said when she answered.
“No, not really, mum.”
“What's happened now? I only saw for a few hours ago.”
“Yeah but I didn't tell you everything earlier.”
“What?”
She was obviously annoyed I lied to her. “You told me that was everything”
“I'm sorry, mum. There's one more thing. I promise.”
“There had better me, Dominic. Just tell me everything. I'm listening.”
“Well, you know Tom?”
“Of course I do. He's your best mate. I've met him loads of times. He'd stayed here loads of times. What about him?”
“I'm in love with him, mum, and I always have been. I've loved him every since I met him in college three years ago.”
“Oh, Dominic, you should have told me much earlier,” she said sympathetically. “I could have tried to help you. I could have given you some advice.”
“I know I should have. I'm sorry.”
My mum was right. I should have confided in her a long time ago. She really liked Tom. She could have helped prevent all this from happening.
“But isn't he straight?” she asked. “I thought he's had a girlfriend for the last year or so and a baby on the way.”
“He does!”
“Well you're going to have to move on, Dominic!”
“I don't know how to mum. He's my first love and the only guy I think I've ever been truly in love with.”
“Do you want me to come round?”
“No, it's OK, mum, I just need advice.”
“OK, he's your best friend. He will probably be OK about it. Why don't you tell him you're gay?
“I have mum!”
“Good. How did he react?”
“He was fine with me being gay.”
“That's good. He's a lovely boy.”
She was right.
He was easily the nicest guy I've ever met.
“He's the best mum.”
“Awww, that's sweet,” she said supportively.
Her voice then became more serious. “But I don't think you should have told him you love him. It's not fair on him or his girlfriend. You have lied to him all this time.”
“Not fair on him?” I asked angrily. “What about me, mum? What am I supposed to do? Anyway I've told him.”
“What did he say?”
“He hasn't replied.”
“Well you should leave him to think. If your his best friend, I'm sure he will reply when he's ready.”
“You're right, mum. Thanks. Anyway I better go. I've just heard a text beep. It might be him.”
“OK, good look. Let me know what he says.”
“I will do, mum. Bye”.
I hung up the phone and immediately checked my texts. I was so relieved it was from Tom:
I understand that you wanted to tell me. Thank you. But please understand how shocked I am. I don't care you're gay but I had no idea you loved me. I don't know what else to say at the moment. I've got to cook dinner now for us anyway. Give me some time and I will speak to you soon. Tom.
That was a nice text so I sent him a quick thankful reply:
Thanks mate. Take care and I will speak to you soon. Love Dom.
Today was without doubt the most pivotal day of my life. I've learnt so much about me and about other people's opinions of me being gay. Them idiots at work weren't worth thinking about. My focus was on my mum and Tom. They had been there for me when I needed them most. I will always be very thankful to them for that.
I just hope I wake up tomorrow ready to move on with my life. Whatever happens with Tom and my family, and anyone else I cross paths with, I will strive to be honest and tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Maybe, just maybe, I can start to enjoy this crazy world again and find happiness in my own skin for the first time since I discovered I was gay.