Friday, 1st January 1999
The new year found me bored to death in Louise's house. There was almost no conversation, while the men of the party (Nondas and Michael, Louise's husband and brother respectively) were doing nothing but watching TV in languor. We didn't even play cards.
About a quarter after the new year had arrived, Hyacinth (Louise's younger sister) withdrew and I wanted to leave too. Michael offered to give me a lift home. When we reached my house, I thanked him and said goodbye; at that moment he put his arm around my waist and sought to kiss me -supposedly for the new year. He has been flirting me for a couple of months now, but I don't feel like reciprocating. It is just that the bloke repels me, and I can't really explain why. He is kinda plump, dark-skinned and he beams with depression; on the other hand, he is a serious and educated guy from a good family.
By the way, I've never heard of Michael having a girlfriend. As about Hyacinth, she is 28 years old now, she is a polite, intelligent and good-looking woman, yet quite lonely. Just like her brother, she used to have some friends once, but now she is completely alone. And she has never been with a man either...
Wednesday, 6th January 1999
Night Adventure: Two adventuresses discover a gang which exploits children. Soon they are chased by murderers around tall buildings. I am one of those women, I fight the enemies with karate blows, but I have a difficulty with side kicks. Finally, both women manage to escape, though still persecuted by enemies.
The women take refuge in a hotel, but a female cyborg is after them. The two friends run into a room; a handsome male cyborg is in there and he helps them by shutting the heavy, iron door behind them. Yet, the female cyborg breaks the lock and she is ready to rush in. At that point, the male robot decides to fight for the two women. There is a lot of confusion, but he finally manages to neutralize the female by hitting her head with an iron bar. Nevertheless, more enemies arrive in a helicopter and they start bombing the place.
The two adventuresses rush out in time through a narrow gap at the door, but then they have to follow separate ways. I go to the showers, and I slide down a kind of crystal waterfall; There are many black people there, and I don't like that. All of a sudden I realize my clothes are dirty, so I take them off and have a bath; then I relax and fall into a friendly conversation with an unknown woman. Suddenly, someone approaches from behind; I recognize my red-haired friend, who is now dressed in a white uniform. We leave together and we return to the den of the gang, disguised as women of lax morals. However, it's not long before the enemies discover who we are, because of a woman who knows our true identity: it is the one I had seen in the showers. Our fate is hard to foretell, but most probably it is death.
I am another person now and I happen to hear about the above case; I decide to take revenge for the two women by breaking up the gang. So, I go and flirt the chief, who is supposed to be a shop owner. He likes me very much, he is even willing to change the shop's name for me. Soon he is nowhere to see and he is said to have died mysteriously -he was probably murdered, a rumour says...
Thursday, 15th January 1999
Scenes of beauty at work: A certain Mr Costakos phones and asks to talk to Mr Gryparis, the managing director of the company. The latter refuses flatly to be put through, so I have to lie he is absent. Mr Costakos phones again later, I tell him the same; he goes berserk and complains Pangaea refuses to pay him for some texts he has written for the book “Byzantine History”. I try to calm him and I promise to convey his message to Mr Gryparis. Nevertheless, the bloke refuses to hang up and shouts that the managers of Pangaea avoid talking to him because they have no intention of paying him (which could be true...)!
Iguess Mr Costakos is right, however he keeps me busy on the phone for more than half an hour, while the other lines are ringing like crazy. This means I have to interrupt our colloquy all the time, so that I can serve other people too -isn't this a bedlam! In the meantime all colleagues look at me gaily, as I try to solve this impossible case; then, Gryparis frowns at me because he doesn't like some of my answers to Costakos.
As a matter of fact, the managing director has become more critical to me lately, and he is always trying to cause me anguish, while all the other managers demand more and more from me; I do my best to satisfy them, but they never seem to be happy. And they say nothing about a raise...
Saturday, 16th January 1999
Night Adventure: My nephews and I are on the street outside our house and we play a representation of the board game “Hero Quest”. Real monsters, which look like dinosaurs, chase us in the nearby neighbourhoods. The roads represent the board of the game, we are the pawns. There are dice too. Possible interpretation: Maybe we shouldn't play so often that strange game which includes tiny plastic monsters such as dragons, demons, zombies, skeletons and other satanic beasts; or, maybe, I live in a very negative neighbourhood...۩
This morning I had an unexpected phone call from Maria, my ex friend at the taekwondo school: “What's happened to you? Why don't you come to Nicky's school any more?” … “We miss you!” … “Why did you leave us? Were you really bored, or is it something else?” … “Why don't you drop by someday? We'll be happy to see you again!”
She was all sugar and spice! No doubt the clique told her to phone me so as to sound me out on the real reason why I left Nicky's school; or maybe they wanted to see if I know anything about their network. Needless to say, I played possum and all my answers were very polite.
Monday, 18th January 1999
The fraud of knowledge: I had to type a rather lengthy text about “Film direction” at work this morning. I wrote and wrote, then I realized most of the text was incomprehensible; I just couldn't understand what I was typing, as if I were a retard.
The point is that if I wanted to study film direction, I would have to learn this text by heart, as well as a big number of similar texts, entire books of such texts. If I couldn't memorize them (which is natural), I would fail in my studies. But how can you memorize a text which is full of obscure terms and meaningless details, while it lacks cohesion? Most educational books are written like that on purpose, so as to confuse students and give them the impression they are too stupid to learn anything.
Educational books are supposed to provide people with knowledge, yet all they do is isolate the reader from real knowledge, which is gained by personal experience. Those who have the right “connections”, get all the needed information at first hand, without losing their heads in meaningless, endless rigmarole. The others, those who lack ''connections'', waste the best years of their lives cluttering their minds with all kinds of useless information, which is immediately forgotten after the “exams”. If they ever manage to graduate, it will be impossible for them to find a job commensurate with their qualifications.
Since early childhood, you always hear that “you don't know this or that” ... “you are ignorant” ... “you are of limited potential”, so “you must gain knowledge” from certain “experts”. Therefore, you must spend the best years of your life in various kinds of “schools”, where the so-called “experts” will provide you with the “correct knowledge” you ought to have. And woe is you if you don't study enough or if you question the experts...
It is generally admitted that “schools” (educational centres, universities, gyms, dance schools, centres of spiritual development and so on) don't convey useful knowledge that could be helpful in real life. They just tempt you with various “prizes” -which are impossible to get unless you join their inner circle and serve their purposes. The offered courses usually consist of shallow information, suitable only for a display of superiority to the “those outside”, who are “inferior” and “ignorant”. Anyway, the majority of students are deliberately kept in a state of ignorance, while they are systematically given the impression of being unworthy. As about the really important knowledge, it is offered only to the “few and chosen ones”, to the core of the clique. As about the students who are found to be inappropriate for networks, they are constantly brainwashed and sabotaged by teachers and other students, so that they feel inferior, incapable of learning, complete losers -before they are methodically driven away.
All kinds of schools are nothing but recruitment centres for networks. Their basic purpose is to recruit citizens in all types of cliques and rackets; they also exert mind control, since they impose the worship of authority, while they discourage personal judgement.
Only personal experience can offer essential knowledge. In the journey to knowledge, you can trust only yourself. There will be some mistakes, detours, deviations or delays, but it is better to make your own errors and learn from them, than be a victim of other people's errors or intrigues.
Monday, 25th January 1999
This morning we had some bad news about Josef's health: The microbe is still active, his thighbone has been affected even more and he will have to be operated on in a month. Why doesn't anything good ever happen to our home?
Moreover, I was informed by Lena, an assistant accountant of Pangaea, that I am not going to get a raise despite all the extra work I have undertaken since October. Nevertheless, Andromache (the boss's executive secretary, who has no computer skills, speaks lousy English but she is an eager informer), just got a raise of 60,000 drachmas! I've been feeling outraged all day today! Even my sister, who is an illiterate chamber maid in a hotel, gets a higher salary than me!
“Which means, Yvonne, they don't appreciate what you do for them in there” Helen Tanagra commented when I told her all about it on the phone.
Anyway, my mother advised me to refrain from hasty reactions and ask for a raise again next week, in a polite manner. This is what I intend to do.
Monday, 1st February, 1999
Once again I try to respond to a cascade of phone calls, when suddenly Chris (one of our editors) comes to my desk and confides to me the following: The book “World History in Brief”, which has come out lately, must be withdrawn from bookstores because it is full of misprints -and they found out too late! He shows me the book, I leaf through it for a few moments and I see there are -indeed- countless mistakes in every single page!
“But how is this possible? The typed texts I've given you were flawless!” I wonder.
“Yes, but the printer's typist, who had to retype our texts, put her foot in it!” explains Chris.
“Why did she have to retype them? Didn't you give floppy discs to the printer?”
“No, we didn't give any floppy discs!” he replies sharp and goes away.
Incredible but true. This blunder will cost millions of drachmas, as well as a nasty ridicule to Pangaea.
Later on, Mr Gryparis summons all editors in his office, Chris included -since he was responsible for the above book. For about twenty minutes I can hear nothing but low voices behind the closed door. As far as I understand soon, none of them will have any consequences for the whole fiasco. All those editors, with their high positions and tidy salaries, come out of the managing director's office smiling, calm and carefree.
Nevertheless, whenever I make the slightest mistake in some idiotic letter, Gryparis gets ironic and offensive towards me. Moreover, even the most insignificant error of mine gets known by everybody in the company in no time. I know that, because some irrelevant colleague will always come and drop me a hint. Conclusion: The only thing that doesn't matter to a company is work...
Wednesday, 3rd February 1999
The whole situation at work since yesterday: Everybody has been deviously deriding me, making allusions to my supposed inability to operate the telephone central, let alone malevolent innuendos such as: “Yesterday I left my silver ring in the kitchen for a minute and someone stole it! Have you seen it Yvonne?” Nelly told me at a moment.
Undoubtedly, the subtle war against me has escalated ever since I was naïve enough to show I have understood whose fault the fiasco of “World History in Brief” is. In the meanwhile, telephone lines are ringing like crazy, I am up to the neck in typing, the place is full of smoke and lots of people are coming and going, always shouting around me. Can things get any worse?
Thursday, 19th February 1999
Inner scream: After a night meditation, I was overwhelmed with negative thoughts and feelings: sorrow, indignation, injustice, disgust, vindictiveness and insomnia till 4:00 am -the focal point being the new circumstances of my job. No matter how hard I've tried to think reasonably (good jobs are too hard to find, in other companies things are even worse, salaries are very low in general, and so on) and appease my feelings lately, it finally proved to be impossible for me to ignore the screams of my inner voice.
The truth is there is too much concentrated hostility against me in this company: My workroom looks like a prison, it is full of smoke and people who shout all the time around me, repetitive telephone rings that would exasperate a saint, subtle irony in the mask of paranoiac demands, no raise, no prospects. Moreover, my dear colleagues do whatever they can so as to show me I am nothing but rubbish -especially now that I have undertaken the telephone central.
During those three and a half months I've been in my new post, I have shown efficiency, adaptability, politeness, willingness, reliability -I could say I am perfect in my job. In vain, though: If there is one thing employers are not at all interested in, this is good work - otherwise “World History in Brief” wouldn't have come out full of misprints.
Besides, Pangaea has published no more than 120 books in thirty years, yet it is still considered to be one of the major publishing houses in the country! They have spread the rumour of facing financial problems recently, yet this can't be true since they intend to hold a very expensive reception for the presentation of the book “The Unknown History of Christianity” which is expected to come out next year. I have no idea who's pulling whose leg and why...
I must get out of there as soon as possible, because this kind of environment has a very negative influence on my soul! I can no longer be a helpless victim! I just can't go on like this! Starting from tomorrow, I will fight against the evil of work, in a methodical manner: a) I will block any telephone lines I can, b) I will delay connections using excuses such as “He is not here now”, or “He is speaking on another line at this moment”, or I shall leave them on ''hold'' for some minutes. c) While typing, I will no longer correct the writer's mistakes -like I've done so far, hoping to get a medal or something. d) As for the rest: Smile, laughs, joy! I feel better already...
Friday, 20th February 1999
This afternoon I had a heated conversation with my friend Urania, regarding evil and forgiveness. I expressed the opinion that “Evil should by no means go unpunished. Forgiveness is complicity to a crime. Moreover, in the end it makes you feel contempt for yourself. When someone harms you, you ought to get even with them!”
“This is natural! You will get sick unless you do so!” said Urania.
“Nevertheless, this should be done only after enough time has passed, and in such a way that the evil won't suspect who harmed them and what for. That's why we say that revenge is a dish best served cold!”
“Forgiveness is unnatural! Revenge is balance!” concluded Urania and I couldn't agree more...
Shrove Monday, 22nd February 1999
Night Adventure: I visit a strange shop where small birds are bred; they never grow any bigger and they are destined to be pets. Despite my initial hesitation, I decide to buy one, since the little birds seem to have no future in that shop.
Soon I discover there is a secret organization using that shop as a cover; they believe in magic and they convey positive principles to the next generations. They don't eat meat and they avoid doing any evil. The superior caste are witches, who protect all the others without oppressing them or enjoying any special prerogatives.
The organization uses a huge tower as their seat. However, the biggest part hasn't been built yet; only one and a half out of four designed floors have been constructed. When the tower is complete, most of it will be underground. The largest department of the underground building will be the library, which will convey essential knowledge to the next generations. The quarters of the witches will be at the lowest floor, so that they are protected from the nuclear holocaust which is due to happen in the future. I can feel everyone is sincere here and I wish to live with them...۩
Imagination = Reality: It's so many years that I've been exploring everyday reality in search of the truth, yet all I have found is fraud. Mental anguish is born when we identify ourselves with everyday life. Nevertheless, imagination and dreams are real life. The worlds of dream and imagination are true. The so-called “everyday reality” is a lie.
It is an indisputable fact that at the end of the day (life, reality) we feel empty and tired. At the the of the night (dreams, imagination) we feel rejuvenated, full of energy. When we experience everyday reality, our mind can't roam fast; on the contrary it is compelled to function as slowly as possible, so that it can be controlled not only by us, but by society as well.
When we dream, our mind is free from the bonds of “reality” and it roams about the astral plains at top speed. While dreaming the brain functions normally, as if it received stimuli from natural experiences -and this has been proved in scientific laboratories. However, scientists haven't discovered yet what sleep exactly is, nor why we need it so much...
Saturday, 27th February 1999
This morning I had an unexpected phone call from Persa: To my astonishment I heard her say she came back to Greece two days ago, having left University in England for rather mysterious reasons: “The climate disagreed with me,” she said. After the initial surprise, I showed a friendly mood and advised her to become a teacher of English, while trying to hide the wild satisfaction I felt as soon as I heard the news!
Really now, didn't it ill become Persephone to act the heavy swell with University, thanks to big money and special connections? How would she ever be able to study in England, since she couldn't graduate from high school in Greece due to serious psychological problems? It seems that in certain cases networks can't guarantee success...
Sunday, 28th February 1999
Prophetic Dream: I take part in an odd computer game and I find myself moving inside its cyberspace. I pass through various gates which lead to other places or levels, according to the respective Tarot cards. Verification: As I will find out soon, a similar computer game really exists! ۩
Early in the morning we prepared Josef for hospital. Then Alice and I had breakfast together; there was gloom in an air, but the child looked calm and quiet. At a moment he came near me and sprayed some carnival foam on me. A little later we went out, to the veranda, until it was time for my sister and nephew to leave.
Eventually the operation will be postponed for a week because Josef has a cold. Moreover, mum is sick: her back and right leg ache a lot due to a slipped disc and she must stay in bed for a couple of days. Once again, everything combines against us...
Tuesday, 2nd March 1999
Drums of War: I begin to know “evil” and it fascinates me. My mind has started to work differently and I like this. I don't feel like a victim any more. In addition, I experience an unprecedented inner balance: until recently, that I was “righteous” and “good” (a sucker), I was easily hurt because the others harmed me at any offered opportunity, while I felt helpless and unable to defend myself effectively.
Nevertheless, ever since I changed my way of thinking and began to sabotage them secretly, whatever they do or say to me no longer bothers me because I know sooner or later I will get even. Their offensive remarks sound ridiculous now: So, Mr Manager, you are in a bad mood because I didn't interrogate that bloke on the phone? But I hardly answer the phone, you mean little man! I think and smile to myself.
The fact is that “good to evil” leads to practical and psychological dead-ends. On the contrary, “evil to evil” offers spontaneous satisfaction and equanimity. When I manage to defend myself or pay back for the evil done to me, injustice doesn't depress me so much. On the other hand, when I am “a good girl” and stoically endure all kinds of maltreatment without reacting accordingly, I feel awful and I end up hating myself. It is only natural...
In general, “bad” people are more cheerful and lively, and they have more self-confidence; as about “good” people, they are often unbalanced and miserable because they feel like poor victims, passively waiting for others to harm them -like sheep destined to be slaughtered. Moreover, they often feel guilty because they usually don't manage to forgive and love their enemies -as dictated by religions...
Saturday, 6th March 1999
Josef had an operation on his leg three days ago. There were metal blades implanted, but no bone was cut off; the surgeon just brought the head of the thighbone in its place. This means the boy won't have a limp, as we feared. Nevertheless, they have put him in plaster from the chest down.
Early in the morning mum and I went to the Children's Hospital to spend the weekend with Josef. Alice can't stay sleepless one more night, while the child is in a miserable condition: The plaster itches him all over his body and it burns him a lot on the butt; the boy is in pain, shouting and crying all the time. Every now and then we help him lie prostrate and we scratch him or put some ice cubes on his butt. At least, he seems to be better than the previous days, when he cried and screamed continuously, day and night. When night fell, we gave the child some sedative and he slept for almost nine hours. That was unhoped-for...
Sunday, 7th March 1999
Josef still suffers, while the nurses show an impressive indifference -if not malignity; let alone they are puffed up with conceit, even more than the doctors. Finally, after certain complaints I made, they agreed to cut off some of the plaster on Josef's butt and the child was relieved a little. He is still whining, but he is getting better and better.
Lots of people came and saw Josef today: First, Alice's colleagues from “Blue Rose”; then our cousins George and Damian with their families; a little later the surgeon appeared and wanted to see how the child was. He complained a little about the crowd, but he seemed to be a nice and positive person.
In the beginning I was depressed by the atmosphere in the hospital. However, as hours went by, I experienced a strange sense of adaptability. In the end, I didn't even mind staying longer! Therefore, everything is relative: When you are in a hospital for many hours or days, going to the toilet looks like fun! When you go out for a walk in the yard, that's a spree! In any case, sooner or later we adapt ourselves to the surrounding environment, no matter what it is like. Personally, I prefer the gloomy environment of a hospital to a workplace!
Monday, 8th March 1999
It is Woman's Day today; Nineta, Helen, Xanthippe and I have arranged to go to the taverna “Cavern” in Sourmena. The environment proves to be very pleasant, and the impressive decoration reminds of a cavern: There are stalagmites and stalactites made of expanded polystyrene foam, lots of mirrors and special effects, talented singers with a large repertoire of folk and modern songs, a wide variety of good food. Tonight the place is full of women who are having a wonderful time, singing, dancing and saying ribald jokes -me and my friends included.
I was sitting comfortably at my table, when I turned to the left and saw that a young woman, two tables away, was staring at me. I recognized a vixen I often saw when I went to the gym. Just like she often did then, she was now looking at me full of irony and malice, constantly making faces at me. I tried to ignore her but there she went on her hobbyhorse! She ignored her big party -eight women in all- so as to make fun of me! Aren't people crazy!
I stopped looking at the vixen and crossed my arms with the elbows on the table. Every now and then I gave her the open palm under the table -a fast and accurate gesture, discreet but well-aimed. About a quarter of an hour later, when I had a look at her table again, I was surprised to find out all eight women were gone! Their table was completely empty, while it was about midnight and the party was at full swing. I felt relieved and cheerful...
We left the taverna at 3:00 am, when the music program was almost over. I was feeling wonderful, so were my friends. As I got out, on the street, I saw the handsome lead singer standing by the door. I said goodbye and he asked us if we had liked the program.
“It was excellent,” I assured him.
“I am glad you had a nice time,” he smiled.
Wednesday, 10th March 1999
I have often been disappointed by schools of spiritual development up to now, however I am always willing to try something new. So, this afternoon I attended a lecture on self-knowledge somewhere in Kolonaki.
The well-dressed, middle-aged ''guru'' called Costas Sekeris, didn't convince me at all. He talked about various platitudinous subjects such as reincarnation, karma, love which beats karma and so on. As about the listeners, about ten in number, they were all over fifty, ugly or weird. The atmosphere was heavy, repellent. I noticed a plump, disagreeable, slimy guy, about fifty-five; he wore his white hair in a greasy plait and didn't take his eyes off me even for a moment. As soon as the lecture was over, I hit the road.
Friday, 12th March 1999
Early in the morning I got a phone call from Mary Glenos at work and she asked me about Sekeris, if I liked him etc. Then she announced happily the following: She bumped into an old acquaintance of hers on the road yesterday, whom she hadn't seen for years. They talked and talked, and she soon found out he had attended Sekeris' lecture on Wednesday, where he noticed a beautiful tall woman whom he liked a lot and he wished to introduce to a friend of his! Mary told him that woman was probably me, since I had informed her I would attend a lecture of Sekeris within this month.
Finally, Mary proposed our going out to a taverna one night, all four of us. In the beginning I was willing, then I started making questions:
“Who old is the would-be groom?”
“He is about fifty, like my friend, but he is more handsome. He has got neither protruding tummies nor a plait...”
“By the way, who was that acquaintance of yours who saw me in the lecture? Was it a fat, nasty guy with a white plait?”
“Oh, don't criticize him like that! He is a very remarkable person! It's just his appearance that makes a bad impression! I have told him so many times! ''Your slovenly appearance cuts a poor figure'' I told him again, yesterday. He has a heart of gold, you know!”
“By the way, isn't there a young, handsome, interesting man you could introduce me to?” I asked but she refrained from answering.
Mystery No 1: I've lied to Mary that I have a love affair with an imaginary, nice guy. Nevertheless, she insists on introducing me to the aged friend of her aged friend.
Mystery No 2: Athens has a population of five million people. There were about ten persons in the lecture of Sekeris. Mary says she bumped into one of those ten, the most disgusting of all, the one who was giving me the glad eye during the whole lecture! What is the statistic possibility of something like this happening? Isn't this a miracle? Let's get serious: Mary knew I would go to a lecture of Sekeris on a Wednesday in March, and she made