DIARY ENTRIES:
June 3 – Visit from the social worker assigned to
house. Martha, early 60’s, short, fat
black lady. Talk! Talk! Talk! I didn’t
think she’d ever shut up. Given training
class on child abuse. DULL! Tyrone punched me in lower back as we passed
in hallway. Put on room
restriction. (State says room
restriction used when kid physically acts out)
June 4 – New arrival, Jake, age 13, tall, thin white boy,
wild! Threatened Tyrone with kitchen
knife on first day. Dick and Sara talked
with him about attitude problem. Meli
was removed from house. Sent to women’s
shelter until kid born. Meli said one of
the group home boy’s is father, but won’t name the little punk. I don’t believe her, boys are too
stupid. Blanche baked 32 cupcakes for
kids. Passed them out after dinner. Kids fought over them like pack of wild dogs. Pure animalistic behavior, should use whip
and chair on these mindless shits.
June 5 – All day long, Blanche screaming at those damn
kids. Kids fighting and screaming at
Blanche and each other. Lost my temper,
yelled at kids and Blanche! Everybody mad at me. Fuck’em all!
Tired of everyone acting like idiots.
Later, other group home workers invited us on a dinner trip to
McDonald’s. Drove to their home and
followed them. Manager asked us to
leave, kids almost destroyed play area.
Kept disrupting other patrons.
Scared their little children.
Staff was upset, I found it hilarious!
Laughed my ass off.
June 6 – Asked Henry: Why can’t cure cancer? He said on higher level, cancer is wonderful
lesson to experience. Said it is a
disease that brings one full circle.
Whatever that fuckin’ means. I
think Henry talks over my head on purpose.
Said I should think deeper. Thinking
deeper gives me a headache. I just want
to go happy dick’n in the woods.
June 7 – Blanche quit, moved out, kids happy, me too. Pedro lost his temper and yelled at house
mother. Dick thinks his medication level
needs raised, so had me take him to Doctor Quack. Raised his meds, Pedro pissed off. Alan and Robin caught sexually touching each
other behind house. Both given room
restriction and counseling by house parents.
Tyrone punched me again. He’s
back on room restriction.
June 8 – Sara asked me to take live-in position, just
until hire another worker. Need a
female. Agreed to move in with the
demonic creatures for short time only.
June 10 – Moved my stuff in. Pedro hit Jake, has black-eye. Two-day room restriction. (State law says staff worker not allowed to
use force on child) House parents warned
me, kids can file assault charges against staff for as little as grabbing them
by the arm in a threatening manner.
June 11 – Damn nightmare again! My yelling didn’t wake anyone up.
June 13 – Big shots from home office coming down to visit
and inspect kids and house. Prepared
special dinner for them. First decent
meal since I started. (State requires
balanced dietary plan for all meals be posted in house) Never, ever, do we have what is on posted
menu. House parents said cheaper to
substitute hamburger in place of steak.
Dick and Sara only serve shit they can cook in large pot. Spaghetti, chili and vegetable soup. Kids sick of same old crap. I bet money saved on steak goes into house
parents’ pocket. Pinned Pedro to floor
and tickled shit out of him, kid loved it.
Poor little bastard wants just a little love and attention, me too.
June 14 – House cat set off alarm system at 3:20 a.m.
(State requires alarm system to keep males and females separated at night) Keep
the horny boys from screwing the stupid girls.
“Simon, on June sixth, you mention
‘Henry.’ Who is he?” Doctor Lerner
asked.
“Ah, I don’t want to talk about him,” I
said breaking eye contact.
“Simon, you need to be open and trusting
if I’m to help you.”
“You wouldn’t believe me…you’d think I was
nuts. I’d never get out of this place.”
“I promise you, nothing you say would make me
think you’re crazy. I just need to
understand how you think, how your mind works.
What motivates you? If I don’t
understand something, I’ll ask you to explain it so that I will
understand. Can you follow what I’m
trying to say, Simon?” Her gaze told me
she was sincere.
“Yes.”
“Okay, please tell me about Henry,” she began
again.
“He’s my guardian angel, but he’s not speaking
to me right now,” I said, checking her face for signs of disbelief, but none
were forthcoming.
“Your angel, how do you know his name?”
“That’s what he told me to call him.”
“Simon,
how do you communicate with him?” she asked in her pleasant voice.
“I
send him a thought, and if he feels like it, he answers back. I hear his voice inside my head.”
“Do you hear any other voices?”
“No.” Now I figure she thinks I’m
nuts.
“Why
is your voice not speaking to you?”
“His
name is Henry, and he’s not some phantom voice telling me to worship Satan; he’s
my guardian angel,” I said, getting agitated.
“Simon, please remain calm, I didn’t mean to disrespect your angel. Please continue,” Doctor Lerner started
rubbing my leg in an attempt to relax me.
“Well, he won’t talk to me because I accidently killed an old lady by
mistake.”
Doctor Lerner made no facial gestures in response to my statement. “Please explain, Simon.”
“She
was a resident at a nursing home I was working at. She paid me to put her out of her
misery. I crept into her room, but I got
confused in the darkness and suffocated her roommate by mistake. Henry warned me not to do it, but I was cocky
and did it anyway. Turns out I wasn’t so
smart after all; the lady I was suppose to kill died in her sleep the next
night of natural causes.”
“Was
there a police investigation?” she asked.
“No,
old people die all the time in nursing homes.”
“Simon, how did killing the wrong person make you feel?”
“Man, I felt bad; I’ve been depressed ever since. Henry stopped helping me, and my nightmare
returned. It’s been hell, and now I’m in
the nut house…ah, sorry, I meant to say the mental hospital.”
“We
talked about your nightmare earlier; is it the same one as before?”
“It’s more intense, like more real.
I feel like it’s really going to come true. It’s hard to explain, like death is stalking
me. Somebody is really going to shoot
me, and I can’t stop it from happening,” I said, breaking out in a sweat.
“Do
you feel you deserve to die for the things you’ve done to others in the past?”
“No,
I’m no worse than anyone else. I was
trying to do good, trying to change myself into a better person. I just strayed off the path a bit,” I said
wiping a lone tear from my left cheek.
“Simon, tell me what ‘happy dick’n’ refers too?”
“You’ve never heard that expression before? Aren’t you from Arkansas?”
I asked.
“No,
I’m originally a South Carolina
girl.” Doctor Lerner said pretending to fan herself.
“Well,
happy dick’n is somethin’ the men folk say around here. It’s like when others say they’re sauntering
or strolling along. It’s just an
expression. Means a man is happy, like his
dick is free to swing from side to side as he moves through the woods at a
leisurely pace. Happy go lucky, does
that make sense?”
“Yes. I take it that most females
don’t use that expression?” she said grinning.
“That’s true, I never heard any of the ladies use that expression.” I was now smiling.
