Chapter 8 – Watching from an Open Door
March 1992 –
Secret Watch (cancelled) –
Fuck. I’ve heard people say that word when they’re angry. Fucking. That’s how I felt about spending the night at Arvoom. Arvoom is for the daytime, and then Mum picks me up and takes me home. A while ago she didn’t come to pick me up, and I ended up spending the night at Arvoom. Fuck. Fucking. It was horrible. I was in my jimjams and drinking a Pom-Pom Parlar by my Watching window. I didn’t understand what was going on and started thinking ‘fuck’. It’s a good word. I see why people say it when they’re angry. I want to say it all the time now. Fuck.
I threw my cup out of the window. I’d finished my Pom-Pom Parlar.
That first night at Arvoom, a man who I’d never seen before stayed awake all night. I know because I kept going down to see him. It was really weird – I felt like he was watching me all night. That’s why I started screaming and throwing things out of the window. I hoped he might get scared and go away or go to sleep. But he didn’t – he just spent more time following me into the kitchen and into the bathroom. After that night, Mum made me go back for more nights! Fuck. I felt worse with each night I spent there, because I knew that people didn’t understand what I wanted. My home is where I sleep – not Arvoom. I go to Arvoom in the daytime and Robboaw takes me out for walks and drives and Pom-Pom Parlars – even arshees when it’s sunny. Home is where I go to sleep and eat my breakfast and dinnaows and have my baths. Everyone knows that. So why did Mum make me stay at Arvoom at night?
I saw one of the people go outside and pick my cup up. It wasn’t broken. They’ve started giving cups that don’t break. They make the Pop-Pom Parlars taste funny. And not nice funny.
After a while I stopped going to Arvoom as much. I went a few times, but not nearly as much as I should’ve gone. I don’t know why. The people who do stuff with me at Arvoom aren’t as nice as they used to be. I only like to be with Robboaw now. I don’t like the rest of them – I’m scared in case they hurt me. Also, I don’t want to end up liking them because they might end up leaving me like Joss did (she never comes home). If they try to do stuff with me, then I scream at them and throw things out of the window. They leave me alone then. It doesn’t make me happy when I scream at the new people. I just don’t want them to like me in case I end up liking them.
But I’ve started going back to Arvoom all the time again. Now when I stay at night, there are two people who stay awake all night. They don’t understand. How can I sleep if there are people who don’t go to bed? But I’ve stopped getting angry and screaming at them all the time. I play games with them now. I’ve started throwing one thing out of the window and watching them go outside to pick it up. Another thing I do now is moving furniture. It makes me feel better. The people who stay awake don’t like it, so that makes me laugh; and if things don’t fit properly then I can move the furniture around until things fit better. I do it at home as well.
People make me want to say fuck all the time now. I’m always worried. My stomach always seems to feel funny, and my head makes me want to get angry. My Mum makes me angry all the time. I still love her and I know that she probably loves me more than anyone else, but when I see her I just want to say fuck at her. Even when she speaks to me, the sound of her voice makes me want to say fuck. I don’t know why. I get angry because I can’t say fuck and I get even more angry because I can’t understand the words that Mum tells me. So I bite her. I hardly used to bite her at all. Only when I was really angry. Now I just want to bite her whenever I can. She just stands there and says ‘sorry’, which makes me angrier. It seems like she doesn’t try to let me understand her words. I’ve known her for so long, and she’s always said more stuff to me than other people – why doesn’t she try and make me understand? She spends all of her time looking after me; she could at least try and make me understand her words.
I got bored in my Arvoom room and decided to go down to the kitchen and find some food. I was hungry.
I don’t think people like me that much anymore. Because I do more bad stuff and get angry more, people have to shout at me and stop me from doing stuff. People talk to me differently and don’t do as much good stuff with me. The new people at Arvoom never try talking to me. Robboaw and the lady are the only people who do stuff with me now. That makes me feels good because Robboaw is the only person I like to do stuff with and the lady always smiles and makes me feel good. I do feel bad as well because I want to do good stuff all the time – and Robboaw has to do other things with other people. That makes me angry. Why can’t he just do stuff with me? I get a different feeling when I see Robboaw with other people. I don’t know what it is, but it feels horrible. I see Robboaw with other people, and I start thinking that he doesn’t really like me at all and that he likes the other people and would rather be with them. It makes me a little sad, but not sad so I want to cry or want to be hugged. I get sad so I want to break things or hurt people. So I scream and scare people. That way Robboaw has to leave the other people and be with me. I feel better then.
I know Robboaw will never leave me.
The bigger I get, the less I understand people. When I was smaller, people did more for me and said a lot less words. Now it seems that nobody wants to do stuff with me, but they spend a lot more time talking and saying things that I don’t understand. Mum doesn’t do a lot for me anymore. She doesn’t smile as much as she used to. She walks around looking really serious all the time – especially when she’s near me. She takes me out for walks and drives and still cooks my dinnaows, but the smiles are more pretend and the words are harder to understand. That makes my dinnaows taste bad. That makes everything feel cold.
“Adam,” said one of the people who stay awake at night. “It’s half past two in the morning. It is not time for food yet. Why don’t you go back to bed? Come on – I’ll come with you and tuck you in.”
I looked at the man. I didn’t like him because he wouldn’t go to sleep, and because he wasn’t Robboaw. I screamed at him and pushed a load of cans off the shelf and onto the kitchen floor. I didn’t do it to annoy the man, like I do to Jake. I did it because I wanted to do something bad. I screamed again and pinched the man on the arm and ran up to the room I was supposed to be asleep in. I felt bad about doing that. I turned my light off and sat by the window. I was really tired and wanted to go to sleep, but not at Arvoom. I wanted to be at home and be with my family.
When I finally went to sleep I had a funny dream. It was the same dream I’d been having for a long time. I dreamt I was sitting in my room at home Watching Adinna, but it didn’t look like my room, and Adinna didn’t look like Adinna. Joss would come in and say something. I could understand what she was saying. Then I would try to say something. But only my noise came out. Then Joss would laugh, and all my family would come into my room and laugh at me. Then Robboaw and the lady would come in and laugh. Then Valerie and Dennaben would come in and laugh at me. Then Cath and the lady from the shop would come in and laugh at me. Then the babbobs would come in and laugh at me. Then Grame would come in, and everybody would smile at him and say nice stuff to him. Then they would all look at me and point at me, and start laughing at me again. They all had horrible laughs that made me feel really bad. Then they would take all my stuff and throw it out of the window, and push all my furniture around my room so that everything fitted badly. After that, they would all disappear and I would be left on my own with my room empty apart from my bed, which was in the wrong place. I would try and push it back into the right place, but it wouldn’t move. I knew that if I could move the bed back to the right place, then I would feel better. But it wouldn’t move. I pushed as hard as I could but it stayed in the same place. I could hear my family and my friends laughing from a long way away. I’d start screaming because I couldn’t move my bed, and the laughing would start to get closer. I start crying and the bed would start moving but in the wrong direction. I pushed one way, but the bed would move the other way, and the laughing got really loud. I knew that if I could move the bed into the right place then the laughing would stop, and all the people I love would start being nice to me again. But it wouldn’t. Then I’d wake up.
I woke up feeling really bad because of the dream. I felt bad going to sleep. I felt bad during the day because nobody was doing the right things, or saying stuff that I understood. I can’t remember how it feels to be in a good mood. I just feel confused and angry all the fuck time.
I got up and went downstairs. The man who had stayed awake all night made me a Pom-Pom Parlar in the cup that didn’t break, and gave me my breakfast. I sat at the table in Arvoom feeling really sad. I was still thinking about the dream. I didn’t know what it meant. Did things in a dream actually happen? Was I going to go home and see Joss and talk to her before being laughed at by all the people I knew? That made me feel a little scared. I screamed at the man who was giving me my breakfast. It didn’t taste right.
When Robboaw came in, I felt a little better. He was smiling and chatting to me while he gave me a bath and got me dressed. That was one of the strangest things about spending nights at Arvoom – Robboaw giving me a bath and dressing me. The only person who had ever done that before was my Mum. Sometimes Dad. Robboaw was good at it and made me laugh a little, but it still didn’t fit properly. Then Mum came to take me home.
“How was he last night?” said Mum. I was a lot happier now. Mum was there and Robboaw had cheered me up a little. My Pom-Pom Parlar tasted better even, although it was in a cup that wouldn’t break.
“A lot better apparently,” said Robboaw. “He only got up once and went into the kitchen to disturb some unfortunate baked beans. But apart from that he was fine – asleep by three.”
“That’s not so bad then,” said Mum. I’d found the big book with ladies.
“Is today the day, then?” said Robboaw.
“Yes. I haven’t told Adam yet,” said Mum. “I’ll wait until we’re in the car.”
Mum got my coat and took me to the car. We were going home. I sat in the car and watched while Mum looked serious again. I didn’t like her when she was serious. It didn’t fit her properly.
Nobody had seen me, but I’d taken Arvoom’s big book with ladies. I started to read it while Mum talked. I couldn’t understand her words. I got angry again and started tearing pages from the book and throwing them out of the fuck car window.
“Daddy moved out yesterday,” said Mum. “He’s got a job in Plymouth, and has decided to move there.”
I heard Mum say ‘Daddy’. She’d been saying that a lot. Dad had been in a funny mood for a long time. I didn’t see him that much, and he didn’t talk to me as much as he used to. Mum and Dad never argued at all anymore. There was no shouting at all at home. People were really quiet. I hardly saw Jake at all – he hardly ever came home at night anymore. Mum and Dad either spoke quietly to each other, or didn’t talk at all. It was really strange.
Home has changed so much since Joss moved away without us. I don’t feel like we have a home anymore. Nothing fits properly. I used to Watch out of the window for my family, but that wasn't enough to keep Joss at home. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, or what I’m supposed to do anymore. I spend a lot of time making my room look different. I either throw my stuff out of the window or I change the furniture around. It makes me feel better – it makes me feel like I’ve got something I’m supposed to do.
When we got home, I went up to my room and took all my clothes off. I didn’t like the clothes that Robboaw had put on me. They didn’t feel very comfortable. My home didn’t feel very comfortable. Sometimes I wander around, seeing if people are hiding in different places. I even go up to the garage to see if the squeaky dog has come home. I hope that I will find them and then things will go back to the way they used to be. But I never find anybody.
My day at home was really strange. Mum was really quiet and serious. I put some other clothes on and moved my room around until things fitted better. I threw some of my stuff out of the window. I have so much stuff now that there was too much to make everything fit properly, so I had throw some of it outside. Mum gets angry and bring it all back to my room. Then I just throw it all back out again.
Mum spent the day going through her really big box with all the photies and paper with words on and the book with the colourful butterfly. She reads that one all the time. As I’ve got bigger the box has got more full. When Mum is sad, she opens the box and looks at the photies and bits of paper. That day she dragged the box downstairs and took everything out. Maybe she was trying to make everything fit properly.
Even though it was a really boring day, it was quite nice seeing all the stuff from the big box lying everywhere. There was stuff that made me think of how my family used to be. Some of the photies were of all of us – me, Mum, Dad, Jake and Joss – all smiling and holding one another. It made me remember loads of stuff about the things we used to do and how happy we used to be – before all the shouting started. Back then everything seemed to fit OK – I’d need to change things now and again, but most of the time it was OK. Mum was taking out the photies and looking at them or taking out the pieces of paper and reading them. Sometimes she would cry, and other times she would laugh.
By the time it was dark, I was feeling quite good. Even though my family had changed and our home felt so different, at least I could remember how it used to be. I found the teddy my Mum gave me when I was really small. It made me feel really good. Holding the teddy made me feel the same way I used to feel when I was small. It was strange – I’d never done that before. Usually I’d felt happy enough to enjoy everything I already had. But now I needed something from when I was small to make me feel happy.
I took the teddy and put it on my bed – that’s where Mum used to put it when I was small. I stayed in my room and looked at the teddy for ages, remembering all the things we used to do. I remembered how Jake used to be nice to me and let me play with him. I remembered how Joss used to say nice things to me and make me feel happy. I remembered the time Dad made me feel better by tickling me. I thought about how things were now, with Mum being there all the time, but everybody else being somewhere else.
I heard the door go slam and thought that Dad must be home. I went downstairs and saw Jake chatting to Mum.
“He’s gone, then?” said Jake. His voice – all deep and grown up.
My home suddenly felt totally different. With Jake at home and chatting in his deep voice, the quiet and boredom of the day just went away and noise came back to fill it up again. I shook my head and got a little excited. I’d been thinking so much about how my home used to be that I’d forgotten that it could still be good. I ran upstairs and threw the teddy out of the window. I really liked the teddy, but I didn’t want it to make me forget that I still had my family now even though it wasn't as good as it used to be.
Secret Watch –
I’m not feeling as angry as I had been. Finding the teddy and remembering how happy we used to be reminded me that I still love my family. I know that they aren’t trying to hurt me or make me feel bad. I just want everything to feel the way it used to feel. I just want us all to be happy and together. But I can’t stop getting angry, and I don’t know fuck why. I don’t like spending my nights away from my home – it doesn’t feel right. I don’t want my Mum to be serious all the time. I want Jake to be home more and to fill up all the quiet. I want Dad to be at home more and to talk to people the way he should talk to people. I’ll go to sleep now, and maybe all those things will start to happen tomorrow.
Lots of Watches later –
Dad hasn’t come home. I went to sleep that night feeling better than I had done, but still wasn't sure why Dad hadn’t come home. But I was OK about it – he hadn’t come home at night before, and things had been OK. But Dad didn’t come home at all for ages. I went to Arvoom everyday and things were a little better. I wasn't thinking about fuck as much as I had done. The new people at Arvoom didn’t seem as bad as they had done. Robboaw was making me feel really good. Jake was at home a lot more and talking to Mum a lot. That seemed to be making her happy. But where was Dad? I hadn’t seen him since the last time I’d spent the night at Arvoom.
Even though I was feeling better about things, I was still confused about Dad and why he hadn’t come home for ages. He’d been acting strangely for a long time – maybe that was why he wasn’t at home. But where had he gone? When was he going to come home?
Now home is feeling odder than ever. It’s just me and Mum, with nobody coming home at night-time. I’ve found the teddy again and started taking it with me everywhere I go. I’ve started thinking more and more about the days when we were all smaller. I’ve started thinking fuck more and feeling angry about everything more. As Dad hasn’t been home for such a long time, then I’m starting to think that he isn't coming home at all. That makes me feel so fuck angry and so fuck sad. I’ve realised that the new people at Arvoom aren’t nice at all. It feels like they’ve made my Dad go away – and that’s made my family worse than ever. Fuck.
I spent another night at Arvoom and felt angry the whole time. I had my teddy with me the whole time, which made me feel a little better. I didn’t go downstairs and scream at anybody, but I still fuck hated them for staying awake all night and not letting me go home. But what’s good about going home? Mum just looks all serious all the time, and sits in her chair with her head in her hands all the time. Jake just walks around pretending that he’s Dad. I’m biting Mum loads at the moment. I only have to look at her and I want to fuck bite her. I ignore Jake. I don’t like him at all anymore. I don’t even feel like Robboaw is my friend anymore. He’s letting me stay at Arvoom at night and then he gives me a bath in the morning when Mum should be doing it. Why? Why all these things? All I want to do is bite people and say fuck all the time.
And then Dad came home. Mum picked me up from Arvoom and I bit her because she wasn't there when she was supposed to be. We got home, and Dad was there sitting in the chair. My head suddenly felt so much better, and I felt so much less angry. I laughed when I saw him and ran up to my room. He wasn’t leaving at all. He’d just gone on holiday or something. I didn’t even want to change my room around. It looked fine. Everything fitted better than it had done for ages. Dad was at home.
After Arvoom Watch – Dad’s home
I sat in my window with a huge smile Watching Adinna. Every now and again, I’d clap and laugh and shake my head. Dad was home. I ran downstairs to get a Pom-Pom Parlar – Dad was sitting in the chair in the living room chatting and smiling with Mum. That made me feel even happier. Not only was Dad at home, but he was smiling and making Mum smile as well. I knew that everything would be OK after that. I would never want to say fuck again. I would never need to move things around, because everything would fit properly. I knew that my family would feel better than ever.
“Are you going to stay and eat lunch with us?” said Mum.
“Yep,” said Dad. “But then I must go.”
I followed Dad around giving him hugs. I slapped him on the part of his head where he hasn’t any hair – it’s a lot bigger than it used to be. I’m not sure why, but he kept taking stuff out of drawers and off of shelves and putting it all into boxes and bags. I didn’t care, though – he was at home, and that’s all that mattered. For a joke I would wait until he was out of the room and take the stuff out of the boxes and put it all back where it was supposed to go. That would make me laugh and I’d run away shouting ‘alloaw’ and slapping my arse.
Later on Dad took all the boxes down to the living room and sat down with us for dinnaow. It was really nice. We hadn’t eaten dinnaow together for ages. Mum and Dad chatted and smiled – they were being very nice to each other. I spent the whole time looking at Dad and smiling. I’d hold his face really gently and say ‘allaow’. He would look at me and smile. I didn’t understand his words. I would normally have got really angry because of that – that’s the way I’d been feeling. But because it was Dad, and because he’d come home and was staying forever, I didn’t care. Everything was going to be OK.
After lunch I went up to my room, and thought about all the boxes in the living room. Why had Dad put all his stuff into boxes? I looked out of the window and saw that he was putting the boxes in the car. It was a different car to the one Mum drove me to Arvoom in. Had Dad got himself a new car? And why was he putting all his stuff into it? It seemed really odd – this was his home and we already had a car. Why would Dad want to get a new car and then put all his stuff into it? I started to feel really funny in my belly. I was getting worried again – I felt it. I knew what the answer was but I was too scared to think it. I’d been feeling so happy – happier than I had done for so long. I didn’t want that feeling to go away. I picked up my teddy and hugged it.
Dad was going. Dad was leaving. My family was losing another person. Even though Dad had always been grumpy and had always made people feel bad, he was still an important person in my family. And now he was going. He was leaving us all. It was going to be just me, Mum and (a little bit) Jake. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. All the bad feelings and anger and worry I’d been feeling before were coming back. My belly was feeling horrible. My head felt like it was going to burst.
I ran downstairs and sat in the chair in the living room, watching my Dad take all his stuff out of my home and put it into his new car. I sat there getting angrier and angrier. Why was he doing this? Didn’t he know that this was going to make my family worse than ever? Had I done something to make him want to leave us all behind? I tried thinking that it didn’t matter – I was spending nights at Arvoom, and I would be alright with that soon. As long as I spent time at Arvoom being happy and not letting the new people get me angry, then I knew that things would be OK. At home I still had my room and my window to Watch from. Mum had always made me feel good before – I would just have to try harder to feel good again. I’d have to stop thinking fuck and stop myself from getting worried. I’d have to stop myself from being angry with Mum all the time. She was the one who loved me the most out of everyone, I think. She had made me go to Arvoom at night. That was her fault. She’d shouted loads at Joss, and then Joss had moved away. Mum and Dad had been shouting at each other for ages, and now Dad was moving away.
Was it Mum? Was she sending everyone away? She had always been there for me and made me feel good. Why wasn't she making me feel good anymore? Why were people moving away? Was it because of her? It was. It must have been. It was all her fault. That’s why I was always angry with her now – because she was supposed to make me feel good but she wasn't. She was making everything feel bad. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I jumped out of my chair and bit my Mum’s hand. I screamed at her and bit her again. Dad ran in and pulled me off her. I screamed at him and tried to bite him but he pushed me fuck on the floor. I laid on the fuck floor, screaming and crying. I didn’t want him to go. Mum had made him go. Mum had made Joss go. I got up and pushed all the boxes over and screamed more. I tried to run after Mum again, but Dad got in the way. Mum was crying. Dad looked really worried. Fuck. I screamed and cried.
“Adam,” said Dad. “Stop it now. For fuck’s sake just stop. For once in your miserable...” He was really shouting. That just made me feel worse. I sat on the floor and screamed until my fuck fuck throat hurt. I was feeling so bad. I didn’t want to be here anymore. It wasn’t my family anymore. Fuck. I screamed and wanted to shout fuck. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t say words and I couldn’t understand words. That’s what Joss always says in my dream – ‘You’re so fucking stupid’. I can understand those words. I don’t know why. I was stupid and didn’t understand anything. How could I make my Dad stay if I couldn’t say words or understand anything? Fuck. I hated myself and hated everyone for leaving and making me feel bad. Fuck. Fuck.
Dad tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t understand him. I jumped up and pinched him really hard and screamed and ran up to my room. I fuck screamed some more and started picking things up and throwing them at the window. The window broke and I screamed and cried more. I got all my stuff and started throwing it out of my window.
“Adam,” shouted Mum. She was crying loads and Dad was stood behind her. “What are you doing? Please. Please don’t do this. Oh, Jesus.”
I screamed and fuck cried and threw everything I had out of my window. I didn’t have a family anymore. None of my stuff fitted properly anymore. Fuck. I pushed my bed and screamed and cried. Mum and Dad were standing outside my room, hugging. I didn’t want anything in my room anymore. Nothing fitted anyway. Fuck.
“Jane,” said Dad.
I pushed the bed really hard until my arms and hands hurt. I pushed it out of the door until it was at the top of the stairs. Then I gave it one last big push and watched it fall all the way down to the bottom. I looked at my Mum and my Dad and screamed at them again. I felt so fuck angry. I hated them, and I hated me. They made me feel bad. They made me feel so angry that I had to scream and cry and hurt myself and get everything out of my room.
I walked back into my room to see if there was anything left. I saw my drawers with all my clothes in standing by the window. I picked that up and walked to the top of the stairs and threw that down to where my bed was. It made a really big bang as it hit the wall, leaving a huge hole and loads of dust on the stairs. I stopped screaming and went back in my room to see if there was anything else left in there. The teddy was left where my bed should have been. I walked over to it and picked it up. I then sat down on the floor, hugging my teddy and started to cry. I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I didn’t want to say fuck anymore. I was just feeling really sad. All I wanted was to have my family at home with me, and to enjoy going to Arvoom. I didn’t have any of that. All my family were leavi