Chapter 3 – Adam’s Gran Falls Down Holes
December 1988 –
Mum put up the Chrimbo decorations weeks ago. Now she’s putting up the Chrimbo tree. It must nearly be Chrimbo.
This isn’t our new home anymore. It’s just home. It’s so long since we came here from our old home that I don’t even think about it anymore. I’ve made some new friends. The little old lady from the shop is my best friend. She always gives me Pom-Pom Parlars and sweeties and lets me watch telly. Mum takes me to see her friend Cath. She’s really nice and makes Mum feel good. I don’t go to school yet, so I don’t have any friends who look like me. But that’s fine – they say their own words in their own ways and I never understand what they mean. Jake is a lot happier than in our old home. He smiles more and doesn’t get shouted at as much. He takes me out for walks sometimes, and we sit in the woods or under the big tree in the field. He doesn’t talk to me that much. He doesn’t talk as much as he used to. He’s much quieter and smiles a lot more. And that’s better. The nee-naw men haven’t been here once since we moved from our old home. He never talks to the nee-naw men in Adinna.
Joss has changed loads. In our old home, she stayed in the house all the time if she wasn’t at school. She never comes home now. She goes to school in the morning with Jake and comes home late at night when Jake has been home for ages. She paints her face and wears clothes that show her belly button – sometimes she looks like the ladies in the big book with no clothes on and makes my willy feel funny. She comes home smelling the same way Dad does when he comes home at night. Mum shouts at her a lot. Dad shouts at her, but not as much as Mum. He shouts at Jake. Mum shouts at the dog as well. I hate the dog. If Dad is in a really bad mood, or Joss has made everyone shout, they all go to see the dog. They won’t come to see me anymore – not like they used to. When we go for a walk, the dog always runs away and we have to find him. When the dog comes in the house Mum ends up doing loads of cleaning and then I have to put everything back in the right place. Sometimes when it comes in the house it goes into my bedroom. I go in and I pull its ear really hard. It grumbles and goes away then. Mum shouts more and cleans more than she did in our old home. Dad’s always home in the day, but he’s never home at night.
Morning Watch –
I never miss a morning Watch now. I stay at home a lot of the time. Me and Mum don’t walk with Joss and Jake to the bus anymore – not since Joss started shouting at us. So now I start my morning Watches by watching Joss and Jake walk to the bus. They don’t talk to each other anymore. Jake walks behind her. I felt happy this morning. Dad was still in bed. Jake and Joss were happy to be going to school – Joss smiled a lot when she walked up the road to the bus. Mum stayed calm and didn’t cry. I didn’t see the dog. It snowed last night. The whole of Adinna was made white. Jake threw a snowball at Joss, so she pushed him into a hedge.
I like it when it snows. Walks take longer; the air feels nicer. I like putting the snow in my mouth – it’s almost like an arshee, only not as sweet. The snow makes Adinna look bigger. It looks much nicer than in our old home. Everything in Adinna looks nicer than in our old home. It would be better if I had some more friends, but not ones who look like me. I like Chrimbo as well. All the decorations are on the walls and ceiling. Most of them are in the right place, but sometimes I have to move them back to the right places. Mum gets annoyed when I try and move them to the right places. I don’t know why.
I remember Chrimbo being better when we were all younger. Mum and Dad smiled at each other more and Jake and Joss were smaller and happier. Jake used to make everyone laugh by eating too much and getting really excited and making himself cry because he was so excited. Dad would be home more. People used to come and visit us at Chrimbo. Mum’s friend Valerie. Dad’s friend Auntie Margie. Gran used to come all the time at Chrimbo. I don’t think anybody will visit this Chrimbo. My family shout at each other too much – why would anybody want to visit us when my family shout all the time? Nobody would enjoy themselves.
I was just about to take a break from my morning Watch and ask Mum for a Pom-Pom Parlar when I saw Jake and Joss walking back down the road. They weren’t going to school. They seemed very happy, laughing and pushing each other. Joss didn’t get angry about the snowballs this time. It would make Mum a bit happier, them being home. She doesn’t seem as happy with just me and her together all the time. She’s always nice to me. But her smiles are a bit pretend. She has proper smiles when everyone is here.
Jake and Joss walked up to the house and stamped their feet. I ran downstairs to tell Mum that they were back.
“Adam,” she said. “I just want five minutes of peace and quiet before your Dad gets up. Go back to your room and I’ll make you a cuppa in a minute.”
I pointed at the door and said, “Arbwuv”, which means brother and sister. Mum just told me ‘no’. I bit my hand – she didn’t understand. I heard the door open and Jake laugh. Now she would understand what I was telling her.
“What are you doing back?” said Mum. She looked really tired when she said this.
“We’re allowed to come home if the bus doesn’t come by half eight,” said Jake. “We waited for ages, and then Fat Jeff came out of the shop and told us to fuck off – the road was blocked and the bus got stuck.”
“No more school for two weeks,” said Joss. She looked at her fingernails and frowned. “Christmas Eve party tomorrow night. Gran and a lorry load of presents. I’m getting out of these clothes and going for a walk.”
“Wonderful,” said Mum. She sighed and looked at the floor.
Mum sat back down and rubbed her head. I was confused. Why did they walk to the bus and then just walk home again? My plans for the day were going to have to change a bit. I like my plans to stay the same unless I want to change them. I decided to go back to my Watch and think things over. To show them I wasn’t happy, I stuck my finger in Joss’s ear.
“Get off me, you prick,” she shouted.
“Don’t you dare talk to your brother like that.” Mum shouted really loud. I’d never heard her shout that loud before. She got out of the chair and pointed her finger in Joss’ face.
“You may think you can get away with most things at the moment, but you treat your brother with respect. You do not speak to him like he was a piece of shit. Do you understand?”
Mum shouted so loud that I had to leave the room. Joss had given me a funny look when I’d put my finger in her ear – the sort of look that makes me feel bad. It always makes me feel bad when people give me that look, like I’m stupid. When Mum shouted really loudly I went upstairs to finish my Watch, but I felt worried. I kept thinking about their shouting and their faces. They carried on shouting, even when I got to my room. My worry got worse and I got the bad feeling in my throat and stomach. I started to cry. Then Dad came in. He looked tired. He didn’t say anything. He stood in the doorway and just looked at me crying. I wasn’t crying loads – just a little bit. He came over to me and hugged me. It felt a bit strange being hugged by Dad. He never normally hugs me. He holds my hand sometimes on walks, but hardly ever hugs me. It felt good and stopped me from crying. I didn’t want to be hugged for too long, so I pushed him away after a bit. He smiled, so I kissed the part of his head that didn’t have any hair. I laughed and slapped his head too. He laughed and tried to tickle me. I tried to get away, but he caught me and tickled me even more. That made me laugh. I tried to pull away from him, but he is very strong. In the end I fell on the floor and he stood over me and tickled me.
Dad laughed really loudly. After a while he stopped tickling me and said something. “Don’t ever take the piss out of my bald head again. It’s hereditary anyway – you just wait until it happens to you.”
After Dad had gone, I felt really happy. I’d forgotten about what Joss did and Mum shouting. I went back to my Watch and found my big book with pictures of ladies. I decided to Watch Adinna and look at the ladies until my willy didn’t feel funny anymore and I needed food. After my Watch, I went downstairs and sat in my chair in the living room. Nobody else was there – the house didn’t make any sound. I looked up at the decorations and saw that Mum had got it wrong again. We play this game every year. Mum always puts some of the Chrimbo decorations in the wrong place. I always pull them down again and try to put them in the right place. By the time I’ve pulled them down, somebody has seen me and told me off. It then looks as if I’ve pulled them down on purpose. But I haven’t! All I want to do is put them in the right place. And my family tell me off for it.
I looked at the decorations in the living room and wondered whether I should start putting them all in the right place. I supposed I should – it was going to take a lot of work. I got up and walked to some tinsel hung on completely the wrong side of the room and pulled it down.
“Adam,” shouted Mum. “Leave that bloody tinsel alone. You’ve been fiddling with it all over Christmas.”
Every time I try and make it better somebody stops me. I picked my nose and ate it, and blew Mum a raspberry. Mum made me a Pom-Pom Parlar and watched me the whole time I drank it. I was only looking at the tinsel. I wasn’t going to try again – I just get told off. Nobody understands me sometimes. Mum put up the Chrimbo tree last night; I noticed that she’d finished it. All the shiny bits and hanging bits and wooden bits were in the wrong places. I went to have a closer look. I tried not to think about the little sweeties that Mum always hangs on there. I didn’t try that hard. Before Mum had come back into the room to stop me, I’d found two little hanging sweeties and eaten them. I hadn’t meant to. Mum shouldn’t leave a room where I’m alone with lots of sweeties, but she still shouted at me.
My Mum shouts at me for another thing. Every Chrimbo, she puts prezzies under Chrimbo tree. Whenever I try to take the paper off a prezzie, she shouts at me. That’s what the paper on prezzies is for – to rip up and take off. Why put it there in the first place if I’m not allowed to rip it off? After Mum had gone out of the room again, I saw some prezzies under the Chrimbo tree. I got one out and unwrapped it. Mum walked back in and shouted louder than ever. Her face went really red. This left me all confused again. I don’t even like the prezzies in the paper. I just like ripping the paper off and making a mess so that I can clear it up again. Everyone else pretends to just like the prezzies and not the paper. Why don’t they just let me take the paper off when I want? They still get their prezzies. They spend ages on Chrimbo Day just taking the paper off the prezzies and putting on pretend smiles. If I did it all before Chrimbo Day, it would save them all loads of bother. But Mum just moans. I don’t understand my family sometimes. Maybe Mum is just moaning because she’s not happy with me at the moment. We spend all of our time together, and she’s tired all of the time. Do I make her tired? When we lived in our old home, we didn’t spend all of our time together and she wasn’t tired all of the time. She was always happy with me then (except at Chrimbo). Now she’s only happy with me for some of the time. I know she still loves me, because sometimes she hugs me and cries and tells me stuff. I think she’s unhappy the most when we just sit at home not doing anything, but that’s when I get unhappy the most as well. I get bored too. I wonder if she’d feel happier if I went to school every day. Even though I love Mum, I don’t want to see her all of the time. I like to miss her sometimes. Our time would be better if we had our own things to do.
Dad walked into the living room after Mum shouted at me, put my shoes on me and gave me my coat. Mum came in looking a little less upset. She had her coat on. I started to feel happier, because we were almost certainly going out. Mum gave me a little tree sweetie – she always does stuff like that after shouting at me.
“Sorry I shouted, Adam. I’m just very tired at the moment. I shouldn’t take it out on you,” said Mum.
She kissed me on the cheek and hugged me. I felt much better and loved her more.
Special Watch – The Car
We were driving far away from Adinna. I don’t know why, but Jake and Joss didn’t want to come. We drove for a long time. I saw lots of different parts of Adinna, and then we drove on the motorway for ages. I like driving for a long time – it gives me time to have a proper Watch and to enjoy the sound of the car. I love the sound of the car – it makes me feel less worried. Mum and Dad didn’t say much to each other. Mum turned round and spoke to me a few times. I was more interested in Watching. I thought a lot about Chrimbo and all the sweeties I was going to eat, but I felt a little upset that nobody had come to visit us for Chrimbo. It would have been nice to spend time with somebody else apart from the people in my family. I like going for walks with other people – they are more interested in all the sticks I find. My family don’t care about all the sticks I find. People who visit also read to me and give me sweeties without Mum knowing. They also give me prezzies to unwrap. I do like Chrimbo, but it’s better with my family and other people.
After driving for a long time, we started seeing loads of buildings and kept stopping at traffic lights and roundabouts. A really big river ran along by the road, and lots of people walked in the snow next to the river. I pushed my face hard against the window so I could see the people by the river more clearly. A man in a big coat and a silly-bobbly hat waved at me. I poked my tongue out at him – not to be mean; I just thought it would make him laugh. And I was right. Dad slowed the car right down and turned into a big car park. I helped Dad get the ticket and we walked into the hugest, biggest building I’ve ever seen. I could hear trains. I love trains. They make loads of noise and lots of people get on and off them. Sometimes people I know get off them. Maybe somebody I knew would get off a train today. I got really happy really quickly and started shouting ‘alloaw’ over and over again. I say this when I’m really happy and when I really want to see someone. I slapped my arse as well.
We walked into a place that sold Pom-Pom Parlar. We sat down, and Mum bought me a big Pom-Pom Parlar and a cake. I love cake. I get a little sticky and mucky when I eat cake – and that’s fine. I don’t like it when Mum cleans me up afterwards, though. I wasn’t sure if we really were there to see someone we knew, or if we’d just gone for a Pom-Pom Parlar. I said ‘allaow’ quietly to Mum and touched her face gently to see what she’d say.
“In a minute, darling,” she said.
I didn’t know what that meant, so I just carried on with my cake. It tasted so nice. It had cream. And cherries. I thought so hard about which part of the cake to eat next that I hardly felt it when somebody touched me on the shoulder. I ignored them, though, because my cake tasted so nice. Somebody touched my shoulder again. The cherries…
“Look who’s here, Adam,” said Mum.
I wanted to be left alone. My cake tasted so nice. The cherries were really sweet. Then I smelt a smell that I knew really well. A nice smell – I always felt happy with that smell. I felt another touch on my shoulder. The smell was really strong. It smelt like the flowers in the wood and the burnt logs from our fire – both at the same time. I put my special spoon down and turned around to see the person touching me. Gran! My Gran! She’d got off a train and come to see me. My Gran. A little while before I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to see her again – and then she was stood right behind me. My Gran.
I screamed, jumped out of my chair and gave her the biggest hug I’d ever given anybody. I kissed her on the cheek and looked at her. She had my cake stuck all over her face. She laughed quietly – she always laughs quietly. I hugged her again and said all the words I knew so that she knew that I was trying to talk to her. I said ‘alloaw’, ‘tomorrow’, ‘Pom-Pom Parlar tomorrow’, ‘MaMummy tomorrow’, ‘toylou’ and ‘dinnaow’. I put them all together and kept laughing. Gran stroked my cheek and said something.
“Oh, you’re a lovely boy. Give me another hug.”
She hugged me again. I squeezed her really tight. I felt so happy my Gran had come to see me. I kept talking to her and hugging her. She carried on laughing quietly and I grabbed her hand. I could see her little suitcase on the floor by her feet – the same suitcase she always brought with her. Next to that was a bag with prezzies. She’d come to stay for Chrimbo. That made me feel even happier, but just to make sure she stayed and didn’t get back on the train, I let go of her hand, picked up her suitcase and gave it to Dad. I then picked up the bag with the prezzies and gave it to Mum. I then grabbed my Gran’s hand and started to walk her back to the car – this way we would all be at the car with all Gran’s stuff. I didn’t care about the rest of my cake. The quicker we all got in the car, the sooner we’d be at home in Adinna, and I’d be sure that she was definitely staying for Chrimbo.
In fact, I went back and finished my cake. I kissed her again and got more cake all over her face. She smiled and pulled a tissue from her sleeve.
“Are you alright, Mum? I don’t know why he’s being so boisterous,” said Mum, laughing.
“Oh, he’s fine dear. Just make sure he isn’t too rough with the presents. There’s breakables in there.”
I laughed and kissed the air and shouted ‘allaow’ as I pulled Gran towards the car. Mum walked next to Gran and Dad followed behind us carrying all the bags. When we got to the car, Dad said something.
“Do you want to go for a walk round Exeter before we go home?”
“I think Adam’s already decided what we’re doing,” said Gran.
Dad smiled and unlocked all the doors. I made sure Gran got into the back seat of the car so she could sit next to me. Dad took ages putting Gran’s stuff in the boot of the car, which made me feel a little annoyed – what if Gran changed her mind and decided to get back on the train? I bit my hand and snorted with my throat. Gran held my hand and looked at me.
“It’s OK, Adam,” she said, smiling. “I’m coming home with you.”
I felt a little better.
Eventually Dad closed all the doors and started to drive home. I made sure Gran held my hand the whole time. She started speaking to Mum, so I looked at her wrinkly face for a while before starting a Special Watch out of the window.
Special Watch – In The Car With Gran
I don’t know why I love Gran so much. When she visits us she doesn’t talk a lot. She either sits in the chair watching telly, or helps Mum clean in the kitchen. I love the way she’s so small and wrinkly. She smells so nice and always makes me Pom-Pom Parlars and gives me sweeties. But I think it’s because she makes me laugh that I love her so much. It started a long time ago when we went to watch the fireworks. We drove for ages and it was night-time. When we got to the place with the fireworks, we got out of the car and started a walk in the dark that lasted for ages. I wasn’t really enjoying myself, because we had to walk in the mud on a dark, cold night – this all happened before we lived in Adinna, so I wasn’t used to the mud. We walked for ages and then all of a sudden we noticed Gran had disappeared. At first I didn’t find it funny – everyone got really worried and started looking for her and shouting for her. She just wasn’t there. I’d known my Gran for ages, and had never seen her do anything like this before. Where was she? She’d just gone off and not told anybody. I walked back a little bit and saw this big hole in the ground. I looked at the hole and saw the top of Gran’s head. She said something really quietly –
“Help. Help me.”
I stood there for a little bit just looking at the top of my Gran’s head and listening to her. Then I just started to laugh. I don’t know why. I felt this funny feeling in my belly and started to laugh. Seeing Gran’s head in a hole and listening to her speak but not being heard seemed like the funniest thing ever. My family walked over to where I stood and saw the hole in the ground. When they saw Gran’s head, they didn’t laugh. Dad jumped down into the hole and helped push Gran out. Mum held her hands and pulled her. I laughed even more. Watching my Gran being pulled out of a hole by my Mum, all of them slipping in the mud and getting covered, made me laugh even more. Jake had to sit me on a log because I laughed so much. Jake and Joss were much smaller and asked me why I kept on laughing. I understood their words a lot better back then. Pretty soon they started to laugh as well. We all laughed really hard while Mum and Dad got Gran out of the hole.
When Gran finally climbed out of the hole, she stood in the mud and frowned. Mum and Dad looked at me and tried not to smile. This made us all laugh even more. Especially me. My belly ached loads because I laughed so much. Gran looked all dirty and her hair was messy. I don’t know how, but this made me laugh so much I nearly did a wee. Seeing her all dirty and standing in the mud and then remembering her head in the hole and her little voice made me laugh harder than ever. I couldn’t breathe because I laughed so much. Joss and Jake made more noise than I did with their laughing. After my Gran had cleaned up a bit and made her hair more tidy, we got to the fireworks. I didn’t look at the fireworks. I looked at my Gran and laughed. I spent the whole night laughing while everyone else looked at the fireworks. I laughed in the car all the way back home. Even when I tried to get to sleep that night, I could only think of one thing – a big, dark hole in the road, my Gran’s head poking out of the top and her little voice saying, ‘Help. Help me.’
I smiled when I thought of that. I looked at Gran sitting next to me and remembered her head in the hole. There is another reason why I love her so much – she never gets hurt. Anything can happen to her and she never gets hurt. That night when she fell into the hole, she was fine and hadn’t been hurt. Which meant that I could do anything to her and she would never get hurt. I love her for other reasons. Hugs. Smells. Prezzies. Sweeties. But I love her most because I can do stuff to her and she smiles. I try to hurt her and she doesn’t feel anything – she just says ‘Oohh’ and she’s not hurt.
I decided this was going to be a fun Chrimbo…
Me, Mum, Dad, Gran, Gran’s suitcase and the prezzies all got home in the car. I didn’t have to hold Gran and pull her anymore, so I ran around the garden slapping my arse. Mum and Dad got all the stuff out of the car and Gran stood there chatting. The dog barked from inside the garage (he’s not allowed inside anymore), and Jake and Joss came out to say hello to Gran. They walked up to Gran and gave her a hug and a kiss. Joss put on her pretend smile. Gran chatted to them and gave them something from her purse. She hadn’t given me anything from her purse. I didn’t care because I knew she would spend the whole of Chrimbo making me laugh. Dad told everyone to get inside quickly – it’d started to snow again. We rushed along the path to the door and I saw a bit of ice just in front of Gran. Before I could think about it, Gran had stood on the ice, slipped, and fallen straight on her arse. Everyone stopped and tried to help Gran and make sure she was OK. I was too busy laughing to help. I felt really happy stood there in the snow – we weren’t even in the house yet, and I was laughing because of Gran’s jokes. My family looked at me and frowned. This made me laugh even more. Jake tried to stop himself from smiling. Gran pushed herself to her feet and walked more slowly towards the house. I kept laughing and slapping my arse. She got to the door and walked in. Mum made a Pom-Pom Parlar, and I went to my room while Joss and Jake talked to Gran. Dad went out. I sat at my window and looked at my big book with ladies…
Before Tea Watch –
Even though I felt happy because Gran was visiting, I wanted to be on my own for a while. Everybody would be really noisy now. Joss and Jake would be excited because of Gran. Mum would be cooking tea. Gran would sit in the chair for a while, fall asleep, and then go and help Mum finish the tea. Joss and Jake don’t like going in the kitchen when it’s busy, so I decided to wait until then before going downstairs again. Dad had gone out and would probably be home for tea. I was still really excited about Gran being here. The day had been so normal before. The tinsel game with Mum had been quite fun, but Gran being in our home made me happier. I sat in my room and wondered what to do next. I drank my Pom-Pom Parlar really fast and laid on my bed. I didn’t want to Watch. I decided to wait until Joss and Jake had gone and Gran had gone in the kitchen to help Mum before I went downstairs again. But I felt too excited. And I had an empty cup. I went downstairs…
Gran sat in the chair with her funny smile. Joss and Jake were sitting on the floor talking to her. I could hear Mum in the kitchen banging the pans so I took my cup into the kitchen.
“Thank you, darling. Tea won’t be long,” said Mum.
I rubbed my teeth and gave Mum a kiss. I felt happy but didn’t know what to do next. I walked back into the living room. Gran was still talking to Joss and Jake. I could feel myself starting to get bored. Everybody did something apart from me. I should have been Watching in my room. But I didn’t want to. I picked up a cushion and threw it at Gran. It hit her in the face and made her glasses fall off. I laughed. Joss and Jake put their hands over their mouths and tried not to laugh.
“Ooh,” said Gran. She rubbed her head and put her glasses back on.
I laughed and ran back up to my room and laid on my bed. I carried on laughing and I shouted out ‘alloaw’ a few times. I would stop laughing and then remember what I’d done. I’d start laughing again. I did this a few times. I got quieter and quieter, and then really tired. I got really tired and fell asleep. When I woke up my head felt bad and my body felt bad. I could smell the food from the kitchen. I couldn’t hear anyone talking. Jake was in his room listening to his music. I don’t like his music.
don’t push too far your dreams of china in your hand