“Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up”
Chronicles of a Cheater
Anonymous men explain why they cheat
This man explains the reasons why he cheats to esquire.com. The anonymous man says, that he needs to. It's easy to cheat. There's so little evidence left behind. The checklists are easy-you have to wash here and there. Men have to enlist the sympathy of the woman they are having sex with. Men have to control their time and select the venue. Infidelity is undoubtedly easy to hide, More often than not-more often than any man will admit-there is absolutely no consequence . Men don't cheat because they can.
Men cheat because they must, because they need to. The anonymous man tells esquire.com, “You learn things when you cheat. It is fun. There are a lot of laughs. You can be more mentally honest with a woman who has forty-five minutes than a woman with whom you'll spend forty-five years. It doesn't mean you must be; it means you are free to be. That is why freedom enters into it. There is some thrill in it to be sure. Because more than anything, cheating is a chance for the body to assert its dominion over the soul, to urge the individual toward his genetic root spring, toward what feels good rather than what feels compulsory.”
“My ex-girlfriend-who was my first love-broke up with me when we went away to college. But
whenever we were home on break, we would hook up. When I started dating a new girl my sophomore year, I told myself I wasn't going to fool around with m ex anymore, but I couldn't resist her. I pretty much lived a double life for the rest of college. At school, I was with my girlfriend, but when I was at home, I was with my ex, and neither knew about the other. I never got caught (Wade,
Cosmopolitan.com).
“I cheated with one of those fried of a friend of a friend-someone I wasn't in a close circle with, but saw occasionally. In hindsight, I know I did it out of spite. My girlfriend of a year was working log hours and I felt neglected, and this other girl made me feel like everything I did or said was the most brilliant thing in the world. We hooked up a few times, and I even took her out to dinner! One of my friends knew what was going on, and he king of did an intervention, telling me that I was screwing up the great thing I had with my girlfriend. So, I broke things off with the other girl. That was over two years ago” (Taylor, Cosmopolitan.com).
Chronicles of a Cheater
“There was a while when I was cheating in almost every relationship I was in. I had an insatiable appetite for the 'wonder' that was hidden beneath each woman I was attracted to. I sincerely believed through cheating and exploration, I would come to find the kind of person I was meat to be with. And feeling like I shouldn't be with someone else because I was in a relationship made the other woman seem much more appealing that she probably was” (Ryan, Cosmopolitan.com).
“I surprised myself when I cheated because I actually felt pretty happy with my then girlfriend. It's only looking back now that I can see what a mismatch we were. She was so sweet, but a total homebody I am a really social person, and we ended up spending a lot of weekends on the couch because that's what she preferred to do. About nine months into our relationship, I started a new job that had a big happy hour culture. I really hit it off with a co-worker who was more my speed. She was outgoing and vivacious and had tons of friends. We made out a few times, but she wouldn't go any further until I had broken up with my girlfriend. I did, and three years late, I'm still with my co-worker”
(Cosmopolitan.com).
Avoiding Intimacy
Some men put a wall up so that they do not get hurt. They have this in their minds that if they do not get too emotionally attached to one person, they will not get hurt in the future. Dr. Gail Saltz says,
“Some men cheat to avoid any real intimacy Intimacy scares them, so they distance themselves from their wife or girlfriend by cheating on her. This way they never have to fully rely on someone else, so they don't get hurt (Cosmopolitan.com).
They want more intimacy
On the other side of the fence, some men want more intimacy outside of their relationship. Sex Expert, Emily Morse says, “some couples drift apart over time and don't communicate about their lack of intimacy. When that happens, some men think it's easier to just cheat instead of talking about it.”(Cosmopolitan.com)
Hooked on the Honeymoon
At the beginning of most relationships, you and your partner want every minute of every day spent with each other. After the honeymoon period is over, both of you start feeling more comfortable with each other and most of the excitement you had in the beginning goes away. Some men live for that
Chronicles of a Cheater
honeymoon high and will look for it somewhere else (Cosmopolitan.com).
They want control
Most men want to be the domineering one in the relationship and do not want any woman to feel that they have the upper hand. According to Dr. Saltz, some men cheat because they want control and power in the relationship. Cheating puts the ball in their court (Cosmopolitan.com).
Lack of will power
Some men just cannot resist temptation. If there is time, space, and opportunity, the man will cheat.
These men are very weak minded, They give into a sexual encounter with another woman just because the opportunity presented itself and they were not strong enough to say no. In some situations, the lack of will power comes from their pride. They think to themselves, “what would my guy friends say about this if I don;t take this opportunity while it's staring me in the face?” (Cosmopolitan.com).
They got away with it before
Just like the saying goes, “once a cheat, always a cheat.” Some men cheat just because they can and they can get away with it without getting caught. This is an arrogant and selfish way of thinking on their part. They are not taking your feelings into consideration. Dr. Saltz says, “not every cheater is a repeat offender, but they can be, especially if they haven't worked on figuring out what drove them to do it in the first place or they just don't care about anyone but themselves.” (Cosmopolitan.com). Some men are just plain cheats, no matter what you say or do. They want something fresh and new every time. In some cases, if they feel that you are not keeping up with the program, then they will cheat.
Sometimes they are just one-night stands and sometimes they are something more. Some men do it because they know that you are not going to question them about anything. In their eyes, you are naive and gullible. You will believe anything they tell you, no questions asked.
You do not want to keep on drilling your partner with questions every night, but at the same time you will need to keep and eye out for suspicious behavior as referenced in the signs of cheating. Remember, men do not always leave behind physical evidence for you to know that they are cheating on you.
Chronicles of a Cheater
He isn't getting his needs met inside the bedroom
Men tend to stray when they feel that they are being satisfied sexually. For men, sex itself is of paramount importance. Sex not only feels good to men, it also validates them and completes them on a whole other level. For men, sex leads to intimacy including: cuddling, affection, romance, etc. When sex is not there, they start to suddenly feel distance and drift away in their relationship. When sex is no longer there with their partner or sex becomes sporadic, men take it as a slap in the face. Their self-worth starts to go downhill and the connection decreases with their wife or girlfriend. This makes it highly likely they he will cheat (Dr. Laura Berman). It's not just his sexual needs, it's his emotional needs as well.
He feels unappreciated at home
Boyfriends and husbands that are constantly nagged as soon as they walk in the door, are likely to cheat. If your partner hears nothing but complaints when he feels that he is doing the best he can do, including taking care of the kids, making money, helping around the house-It can lave him ripe for an affair (Sloan, Woman's Day). As different as men and women are, we have things in common. Men also have an emotional side and are human beings too. Women like to feel appreciated when they do things for their man, so do men. Men love receiving compliments and their egos can easily be bruised if their wives or girlfriends are not complimenting them. Sometimes it could be something as simple as saying
“thank you”, “that was sweet of you”, “I appreciate the things you do.” No matter how small it is, men like to receive those phrases of approval. Men will not tell you this, but in their minds, they are thinking, “Did I do okay?”
Fear of Commitment
Many men have the fear that their wives will change once they marry them. “They want what they want, when they want it (Mira Kirshenbaum, when good people have affairs).” Some men say, they cheated because they could and are unapologetic about it. “And I did it because a new woman would look at me like a Greek god, whereas my wife knew I was imperfect (Woman's Day).”
Many men like the complete package deal. Men are afraid that their wives will change from this gorgeous woman who took pride in her appearance to someone who stops fixing her hair and starts wearing t-shirts and sweat pants. It's okay to do that sometimes, but in their eyes, you should doll yourself up every once in a while. Men fear that they partner's personality will change and the person they fell in love with is not the same person anymore. If you were sexy when they met you, they want you to remain sexy. If you were outgoing when they met you, they want you to stay outgoing.
He's a Perfectionist
Chronicles of a Cheater
The man who has to excel at everything-the best job, the most money, the ideal family, bringing his wife flowers and doing things around the house-but also has an affair. Men who are perfectionists put themselves into such a tight box that they ultimately rebel against themselves (Sloan). One man claimed, “I was in a loveless marriage that was simply about making as much money as I could.
Buying jewelry, trips, expensive condo, and I learned the hard way that these things amounted to nothing. Having an affair was a way to support my ego and manhood (Woman's Day).” Be careful of men who are perfectionists because the minute they feel they are lacking in some areas, they will seek out someone who who finds them perfect with all of their imperfections.
Men like to be pampered just as much or if not more than women do. Men like to be treated to dinner, movies, and a massage every now and then too. If you will not do, they will find someone else who will.
Status
Some men seek status and approval from their male friends. Cheating and having affairs is looked at like as good thing among a group of men when they are not around their wives or girlfriends.
“In our culture, affairs can be kind of a status symbol. The more women a man has slept with, even if he's married, the more admiration he gets from other men. Take the Tiger Woods story. Outwardly, men may disparage what he did, but many men are inwardly envious, because they couldn't get away with it themselves (Sloan).” This is especially true for men who are not as successful and earn less money.
Be careful about the type of male friends your boyfriend or husband is hanging around with.
Sometimes it can be as the old saying goes, “you are who you hang with.” Just like women, who have their female talks in the kitchen or the living room, men do the same thing, either by going out for drinks or sitting in front of a big screen T.V at one of the guy's house. It's all the same thing. Women will talk, men will talk as well. Some men are looking for that approval, whether it is the high-five, head nod, or a hand-clap, they are looking for some type of gesture. This feeds their ego and makes them feel more important.
Peer Pressure
This goes hand in hand with “Status.” If he spends a lot of time hanging out with men who cheat, he probably will eventually cheat. This includes, co-workers, close friends, best friends who are cheating on their wives or girlfriends. To be honest, he does not want to feel left out, especially when their friends are bragging about what a great time they had last night with the other woman. He will fall into the peer pressure and cheat to go along with the crowd.
Remember, be careful about who your boyfriend or husband is hanging around with. If he is hanging around those who you know cheat, then your partner is likely to cheat as well.
Chronicles of a Cheater
To end a relationship
Sometimes men do not have enough courage to just “man up.” They know that they do not want to be with their partner, but they do not want to be the one to end the relationship. They also do not want to look like the bad guy. This is also called an “exit affair.” An Exit Affair is the man saying “I want out of this marriage or this relationship. The Straying boyfriend or husband has already decided that the relationship is over and they no longer want to work on the relationship. By this point, they just don't care anymore. The exit affair gives a valid excuse to end the relationship. He takes the cowardly approach knowing that once you found out that he's been cheating, you will leave him or kick him out.
In some cases, the cheating partner has fallen in love with the person they have been cheating with.
Exit affairs usually last longer than the typical cheating because they is a deeper connection between the cheating partner and the person they are cheating with.
In love with the other woman
This can happen when a man started an innocent friendship which developed into an emotional affair.
Emotional affairs do not have an sexual contact, but the feelings of love are there. This is a relationship between your partner and someone else that has interfered with your partner's intimacy towards you.
It can start off with something as simple as a conversation over the internet or an innocent friendship with a co-worker. This is more damaging to a relationship than a one-night stand.
Sexual Fantasies
Some men have certain sexual fantasies they they want fulfilled. In their minds, if you are not going to do it, they will find someone else who will. There are a wide variety of fantasies a man can have. Some men want kinky sex, three-somes, role-play, dominatrix, etc. These are acts that some girlfriends or wives do not want to do. There are plenty of women out there who will perform this acts if your boyfriend or husband gives them the time of day.
Revenge
Some men will cheat on their girlfriends or wives out of revenge. Revenge cheating is just as the name implies. A man will sometimes cheat to get back at their wife or girlfriend for cheating on them in the past. If you cheated on your partner in the past and he forgave you for it, you may not have been all the way forgiven. Remember, men have egos and they want to feel important to you, emotionally and sexually. If a once-faithful partner finds out that you let another man have sex with you, it's likely that he will do it back to you so that you know how it feels. Some men will not only cheat out of revenge, but they will also come back and tell you every last detail of what happened between him and this other woman.
Chronicles of a Cheater
Sexual addiction
This may be a legitimate reason in some cases. Sexual addiction is a real medical condition that may be identified as any compulsive sexual activity that falls into one of the three categories: shameful, secretive or abusive. Addiction to sex is similar to an addiction to gambling. Sexual addition is often accompanied by other addictions which can be both chemical and behavioral.. This is not an addiction that many men have. About 3% to 6% of Americans have sexual addiction. Although, this is a real medical condition, it is not as common as many people think. Some men will use sex addiction so that they are not held accountable for their actions.
Not every man who claims sexual addiction is an actual sex addict. Many men who experience true sexual addition are ashamed to admit this to anyone, even their own family. If a partner is actually seeking help and was hesitant about admitting his condition to you, then he may be telling you the truth. If a partner is readily admitting this to you, then chances are he is lying to you.