Why is it important to discuss cultural concepts of masculinity and femininity? Before I began traveling abroad, I would never have considered such things. But now I consider them a cornerstone to understanding people.
Without a doubt, there are some basic desires in the hearts of men and women that are true for all of us. It is valuable to understand these so you will be effective when you are trying to win her heart.
Then, there are differences that are culture based. You will benefit from knowing even a little bit about how the rest of the world views men and women and their roles. You also need to be able to compare that to your culture and be honest with your attitudes and preferences.
Before I go any further, I must also be clear about what I am not talking about. This is not going to be a conversation about “relationships”. Once you are in a relationship you can pick up any one of the thousands of books on men and women and how to keep the magic going. I have some thoughts I may put in writing on how to maximize the power 50 | P a g e
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of the international marriage relationship, but that is for another day. Before men or women get into any kind of dating or committed relationship with another person, they should first be grounded in their own masculinity or femininity and know where the opposite sex is coming from.
I’m going to try to take a complicated subject and make it as simple as I can. There are two key distinctions in this area of masculinity and femininity: core truths and cultural influences. There are some things that are true about men and women because it is hard-wired into our DNA. These things are true for all men and women regardless of their culture or nationality. The rest comes down to cultural influences and upbringing.
If you have not done any reading on the subject, you are in for a wonderful treat. I predict that you are about to enjoy several “aha” moments in the pages ahead. Something will add up and you’ll think to yourself, “I’ve always known that, but I just never put it together before.” You are about to be very pleasantly surprised. So let’s talk about what it means to be a man.
Truths about Men and Women
What I am talking about here comes from extensive research. Much has been written on the topics of defining masculinity and femininity. I have personally studied and researched on the subject of masculinity. I’ve counseled men who struggle in their relationships with women. I’ve compared notes with other counselors about the why they think men seem to struggle to understand what it is to be a man. I’ve been to seminars on dating and understanding women. I also enjoy the comedians who have learned to point out masculine and feminine truth in the most hilarious ways. I have traveled to and dated 51 | P a g e
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women in four continents on this earth. I’ve engaged in conversations with men in those places – often through translators.
From all of these, it became very easy to find the common themes that appeared to be true, even though each may have stated these with different words. The message rose to the top and created a common understanding to help define masculinity and femininity.
I would also encourage you to do some of your own reading on the subject of masculinity. There have been no books on the subject that have come close to the best seller status that is held by these two books:
● Iron John, by Robert Bly6
● Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge7
Combined, they have sold millions of copies and continue to be referenced by those who discuss men’s issues.
Iron John is a fascinating study of how previous cultures viewed manliness PRIOR to the industrial revolution. What did it mean to be a man to the ancient cultures of Greece, Germany, Asia, Africa, or Rome? What common rituals survived thousands of years throughout native tribes across different continents? The discussion is laced into a Grimm Brother’s story written in 1820. In the introduction, Bly makes this observation,
“The grief in men has been increasing steadily since the start of the Industrial Revolution and the grief has reached a depth now that cannot be ignored.” You will be enriched for reading it.
Wild at Heart, subtitled, “Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul” has nearly created a movement of its own. One of the gifts of wisdom is when truth can be made simple to 52 | P a g e
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understand. Eldredge does this masterfully. I have never heard the Universal Core of the Masculine Soul and Feminine Soul so beautifully and accurately described as John Eldridge has in his books. He describes the man’s heart as having three basic desires. A man needs to have:
#
A Battle to Fight,
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An Adventure to Live,
A Beauty to Rescue.
In a subsequent book he wrote with his wife entitled Captivating, subtitled, “Unveiling the Mystery of the Woman’s Soul”, they explain the man’s heart to the female audience of Captivating this way:
Every man wants a battle to fight. It’s the whole thing with boys and weapons.
Just look at the movies men love—Braveheart, Gladiator, Top Gun, High Noon, Saving Private Ryan. Men are made for battle. (And ladies, don’t you love the heroes of those movies? You might not want to fight in a war, but don’t you long for a man who will fight for you? To have Daniel Day Lewis look you in the eye and say, “No matter how long it takes . . .
no matter how far . . . I will find you”? Women don’t fear a man’s strength if he is a good man.)
Men also long for adventure. Adventure is a deeply spiritual longing in the heart of every man. Adventure requires something of us, puts us to the test. Though we may fear the test, at the same time we yearn to 53 | P a g e
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be tested, to discover that we have what it takes.
Finally, every man longs for a Beauty to rescue. He really does. Where would Robin Hood be without Marian, or King Arthur without Guinevere? Lonely men fighting lonely battles. You see, it’s not just that a man needs a battle to fight. He needs someone to fight for. There is nothing that inspires a man to courage so much as the woman he loves.
Most of the daring (and okay, sometimes ridiculous) things young men do are to impress the girls. Men go to war carrying photos of their sweethearts in their wallets—that is a metaphor of this deeper longing to fight for the Beauty. This is not to say that a woman is a “helpless creature” who can’t live her life without a man. I’m saying that men long to offer their strength on behalf of a woman.
Now – can you see how the desires of a man’s heart and the desires of a woman’s heart were at least meant to fit beautifully together? A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man; it draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero. 8
When we ask men the question, “What makes you feel fully alive?” These are the themes. The battles to start a business, beat a competitor, or engage in a political campaign will make a man feel fully alive. You can go white water rafting, camping, hunting, or travel. These can cause us to come alive with adventure. And, the pursuit of a beauty can cause men to expend all of their resources to capture her heart.
The pursuit of love through international dating is a grand quest that is a battle, an adventure, and a pursuit to rescue the beauty – all wrapped into one. It can bring your heart to life and make you feel fully alive!
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So if the core of masculinity is to have a battle to fight, adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue, then what is the core of the feminine heart?
It is in John Eldredge’s book, Wild at Heart, that he explains the three aspects of the feminine heart to his male readers. He says that the feminine heart:
Wants to be pursued,
Wants to be caught up in an adventure,
Wants to have beauty she can unveil.
He describes it this way:
Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman yearns to be fought for. Listen to the longing of a woman’s heart: She wants to be more than noticed – she wants to be wanted. She wants to be pursued.
I just want to be a priority to someone,” a friend in her 30s told me.
And her childhood dreams of a knight in shining armor coming to rescue her are not girlish fantasies; they are the core of the feminine heart and the life she knows she was made for. So Zach comes back for Paula in An Officer and a Gentleman, Frederick comes back for Jo in Little Women, and Edward returns to pledge his undying love for Eleanor in Sense and Sensibility.
Every woman also wants an adventure to share. One of my wife’s favorite films is The Man from Snowy River. She loves the scene where Jessica, the beautiful young heroine, is rescued by Jim, her hero, and together they ride on horseback through the wilds of the Australian wilderness. “I want to be Isabo in Ladyhawk,” confessed another female friend. “To be cherished, pursued, fought for – yes. But also, I want to be strong and a part of the adventure.” So many men make the mistake of thinking that the woman is the adventure. But that is where the relationship immediately goes downhill. A woman doesn’t want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself. One friend went on to say, “I know myself and I know I’m not the 55 | P a g e
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adventure. So when a man makes me the point, I grow bored immediately. I know that story. Take me into one I don’t know.
And finally, every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil. Not to conjure, but to unveil. Most women feel the pressure to be beautiful from very young, but that is not what I speak of. There is also a deep desire to simply and truly be the beauty, and be delighted in. Most little girls will remember playing dress up, or wedding day, or “twirling skirts.” Those flowing dresses that were perfect for spinning around in. She’ll put her pretty dress on, come into the living room and twirl. What she longs for is to capture her daddy’s delight. My wife remembers standing on top of the coffee table as a girl of five or six and singing her heart out. Do you see me? asks the heart of every girl. And are you captivated by what you see? 9
I have become fascinated by the energy that can come from the connection of these two hearts. Napoleon’s men felt empowered when Josephine was with them in the battle camp. They know that their captain felt invincible because of the way she loved and empowered him. When the church stepped in and refused to allow her to come to him on the battlefield, Napoleon lacked that cutting edge – that eye of the tiger – and their victory was in question.
What is that dynamic about? What did she do for him? What made him want to win for her and feel invincible when he knew she would be waiting for him in his tent upon his return from battle?
I have tried to capture this dynamic in a poem I wrote called “The Radiant Passions.”
In it I describe what is going on in the heart of the man and woman in the format of a story/poem. Each character in the poem is strong and intelligent. They understand the strength, power and influence they carry.
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The Radiant Passions
By Mark Edward Davis
The woman I treasure carries ecstatic love in her eyes She passes this way and every man turns his head in hopes of a stolen glance The object of her gaze, even caught in passing, becomes less of this world and more radiant –
transcending
When a man hears her voice, sweet and true, the things of earth lose their taste and dim And when she smiles at him, even for an instant, there comes a feeling granted to men by angels and oft materialized in the laughter of children From his chest glows a mysterious passion to serve - to find a quest - to stand on a champion’s podium victorious
The radiant power of glance, voice and smile demand a noble quest worthy of the passion within The passion, radiating from his core, is more than ample to the quest The wild man and his inner warriors engage the fight - the golden ball is his rightful prize The woman, gazing upon the conquering man, finds herself overwhelmed by a new glow radiating from within her breast
She approaches the victor’s podium and chooses the man as the object of her passion - a noble passion of its own - a golden ball with her name inscribed Then the woman with ecstatic love in her eyes passes this way on the arm of her champion . . .
There is no logic of earth to explain this miracle – splendid, radiant, amazing, mysterious and new
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I was inspired by various themes from Iron John in writing this poem. There he discusses the “golden ball” as a symbol from Ancient Greek culture, which represents true fulfillment of the soul’s desire. The inner wild men are a resource men have within them to go to battle and risk to do things that are bigger than themselves. In Iron John, Bly also translates a poem from Dante, which served as a launching pad for this forum.
The woman brings the man’s heart to life – stirring power, strength, and masculinity in his soul. He wants to do something for her to show her who he is. She knows she is beautiful and enjoys the energy of flirting. But in the end, she wants to be the woman on the arm of a champion.
I say these things to help prepare you for the posture that will make you radiantly attractive. To put it into one sentence, here is your posture, “I am a king who is traveling the world in search of his queen.” You have accomplished things in life. You have found success. You have accumulated enough finances to be able to travel and support your queen. It is your time to grace your castle, and your kingdom, with the radiant power of a beautiful queen.
These are the core truths that I wanted to communicate to you. Everything else is cultural and personal preference.
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Elena
Elena, 22, 110 lbs., 5’7”, Ukraine
Self Description: I am very kind, sensitive girl. I think I am very emotional. I am faithful, patient, tender, and affectionate.
Comments: I am looking for a real man. He is kind, independent, loving. He knows how to make a woman happy. Up to 55 years of age.
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