I Think I've Found Her! Now What?
If you do find one wonderful woman you want to pursue while you are still in her country; your first thought will be to spend as much time with her as you can while you are there. As you should, but you also need to put this all in perspective and continually consider how this plays out from her perspective.
Think about it. She signs up for a dating service and has a wonderful time with you, but in the back of her mind she also knows that you are leaving in a few days.
You feel this pressure too. Your mind starts to scramble. What can you accomplish in a few days? Maybe I should propose marriage now, you wonder. Maybe I should tell her I love her. But what if she says no or doesn’t say she loves me too?
STOP!
Take a deep breath.
No decent intelligent person proposes marriage in the first week they meet. A person who genuinely values the meaning of, “I love you” won’t say them after only knowing someone for one week.
That’s when I hear it. That voice in my head with all kinds of advice. Really good advice. Live in the now. Enjoy the small moments. Create memories. Smell the sweet fragrance of romance’s intoxicating perfume. She’s not going anywhere. And you are not 124 | P a g e
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going to be removed from her life just because you leave for home. So relax and build some fun memories while you deepen the connection.
Becoming Boyfriend and Girlfriend
Before I would leave the country in five days; I wanted to know that we were committed to each other to some extent. When I got back to my room I called Vera and asked her what she thought I should do. She said the reasonable thing would be to ask her to be my girlfriend – sort of like binding us to an exclusive relationship so we can get to know each other better. She also suggested that I get her a promise ring to help close the deal. So Vera met up with me and we went shopping.
That sneaky matchmaker had already gotten Anna to disclose her ring size! We went from store to store until I found one that I thought was perfect – and Vera agreed. The store put the ring in a heart-shaped red velvet box and I brought it with me to dinner that night.
When the moment was right, I told Anna that I was so glad we met and that I was impressed with the wonderful person she is. I told her that it was my intention to get to know her more – even after I went back to my home. I wanted to ask her if she would agree to be my girlfriend, so that we would take a few months to just date and write each other exclusively. “You can always put yourself back on the network of profiles if it doesn’t work out between us,” I told her. If you would agree to be my girlfriend I would like for you to wear this ring.
With that said, I opened the box in front of her to reveal this gold ring that had an ornate design with a small gem set in the middle. She gasped for a moment. The lighting was just right to make it shine.
This is that critical moment when you’ve asked for a decision . . . now, just shut up and wait for the response.
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But she hesitated. She said something to Vera in Russian. Vera explained to me, “You are the first international man she has met. She really likes you and doesn’t want to lose you, but she has nothing to compare you to.”
I did the man thing at that moment. I closed the lid and put the box back in my coat pocket. “That is not a problem,” I said. “I don’t want to be the one to choose her until she feels that she wants to choose me as well.”
There was stunned silence. The two of them looked at each other. They spoke in Russian for a few minutes back and forth as I waited quietly for her response.
Finally, Vera leaned over to me and asked, “Would you please put that ring back on the table?” So I did as she asked. I opened the box again and they both let out an audible sigh.
Vera leaned over to me again and said, “Would you please put that ring on her finger?”
Anna held out her hand toward me and I placed the ring on her finger. Vera fought to hold back the tears.
The moment I placed the promise ring on her finger was as magical as you can imagine.
Let me stop here long enough to say two things. First, boyfriend/girlfriend is about as much of a commitment as anyone should expect to get out of such a short time. But, if 126 | P a g e
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you’re on a second or third date, it would be good for you to know for certain where you stand. You need to be able to make the most of your time. If she’s not feeling what you are feeling, you need to know. By the third date you should put out some kind of feeler to see if you are on the same page. Ask your question and then wait to see how she responds.
If she’s not serious then you will know before you’re all the way back home. You should still have time to connect again with the other women who sparked your interest on the trip.
If you are the one who’s not certain, it would probably be a more realistic goal to just create a strong bond and wonderful memories and then continue the connection once you have returned home. She will miss you like crazy. Once she has begun her work-a-day life again she’ll remember the incredible time she had with you – and you may as well.
While you are reflecting on your time, your heart may be longing for her – and that is when you call to propose the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Now you can talk about ways to keep connected until you can get back there to see her again. This time your trip will entirely be about her.
Meeting the Family
Vera was from an older generation where the matriarch of the family had to approve all relationships. So, from Vera’s perspective, meeting the family had to be the next step.
She had this whole process planned out in her mind. She wanted to set up a meeting where all of the relatives would gather to meet me. There would be food and drink. It would be a big deal in the family. I needed to bring gifts – and wear a suit.
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Well, that may have been true for Vera, but it was not the case with Anna. Anna jumped right in and said, “I will decide if this relationship is best for me. You don’t need to meet my mother or granny. That may happen when it makes sense.”
Every girl will be different in this regard. But the path to meeting the family is definitely something that must be guided by your lady. Let her decide when to meet them and who you should meet. Don’t be concerned that you need someone’s blessing unless your girl says it is important.
A good friend of mine, Peter, has a wonderful girl in his life. At first her family was concerned about their relationship. The stated concern was that the age cap was too much. There was 20 years between them. Peter sent a few boxes of “gifts” to the family.
Some leather coats from a friend who made them in Italy, some salami, cheese and cracker baskets and the like. Suddenly, the family had no problem with him or the age gap!
Your girl will help guide the path with her family.
Dating Your Girl
Once you have picked one to focus on – the one you want to call ‘your girl’ – the dating changes slightly. One of the ways it changes is just in the time you make for it.
Presuming you are on your first trip and you are still in the country, you will both work to spend every waking moment together. Most likely you will have to work around her schedule. She may have a job or university classes that she can’t get out of – but she will try to get out of them.
If you remember, we met on a Sunday, dated on Monday, Tuesday I was in Kherson and Wednesday she got the day off from work. She called Vera and told her to get a taxi and pick me up at 10:00 o’clock in the morning. It was a radiant joy to see her again. The 128 | P a g e
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three of us drove along to another neighborhood where we picked up her four year old goddaughter, Nastia. The lightbulb in my head went on: She wants to see how I am with kids. This is a very good sign. She is serious about me.
We spent the day at the zoo and a place called Kid’s Planet, similar to Chuck E. Cheese.
Since I’ve had four kids, this was the best test I could have asked for. I had a blast – and won my girl’s heart.
Anna wanted to see if I was good with kids. Good with kids? I still am a kid!
On other dates we drove to beaches, national landmarks, museums, and did some shopping. Once she is your girl and you have more time, you can even take her to other cities for your private mini-vacation with her.
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The rest is up to your imagination – but let your girl help select the locations since it is her country – and it is good for her to feel like she can help you in some way.
When Do I Pop the Question?
Wow, is that the $64,000 question. Everyone is different, but I can offer some guidelines – and a secret strategy.
This entire strategy for international dating is designed to cut through the dating process to get to the bottom line as quickly as possible. You meet with serious women who are there to find husbands. You are there to find a gorgeous woman who will love you every day of your life. In nine days you accomplish more than you could in two years of dating in the US – and with superior results.
But it can feel like it goes too fast – especially for your girl.
These women are typically very savvy and completely authentic. You can talk about anything – just don’t lie to them. You may be able to talk with them about the possibility of married life together – or you may have to go with your gut and just pop the question when your gut tells you the timing is right.
In our case, we had talked about life and the possibilities of marriage. It was very comfortable to do so. In our case we both agreed that neither of us would know for certain if we were right for marriage until she was able to be in my home for at least a few weeks. She needed to see for herself that what I was telling her about my life was true and see if there were any unknown aspects that could make life unbearable. That is completely understandable. I also wanted to see how she would handle life with me 130 | P a g e
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before making the relationship legally official. But how to get her to my home so we could both feel certainty was the question.
If you do not live in the United States, this process could be as simple as getting her a passport and having her over for a few months. Wow, do I wish it were that simple for US citizens. But, on the other hand, you need to understand that the lengthy process has also weeded out the illegal “Russian Bride” scams that had been more prevalent in the past.
God bless the Law Offices of Maria Jones. Ms. Jones made time for us to talk with her at 8:00PM our time in Ukraine, 9:00AM Phoenix time. I sat at a table with our translator and Anna and put my cell phone on speaker phone. Ms. Jones went through the various options and ways that someone could get to the US. In the end, it just made the most sense to use the K-1 Fiancé Visa program. It took the same amount of time as a couple of the other options would to get her here; but saved a lot of time in the long run if we did indeed decide to marry.
We both knew that we could always back out at any point before the “I do’s”. Why not? If you think I am taking this lightly, I am not. I am a big believer in committed marriage. But most adults don’t have to go through as much as you will to get to the altar. You might as well get the process going and work through your relationship as you go. In truth, I wonder if the foreign marriages are stronger because of the work they have to go through just to be together!
The Fiancé Visa program would take at least six months to get through. That also gave us time to get to know each other more. Yes, the Fiancé Visa program is a preparation program for married life in America. Yes, you both have to sign affidavits swearing to your intention to marry within 90-days from when she arrives on US soil. But it takes long enough to get through the process that it will also help solidify the relationship. And 131 | P a g e
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no one is going to put a gun to your head and make you get married if you see that it isn’t working out.
The secret strategy is that you can both commit to the K-1 visa process like an engagement period – even though you may not be ready to say absolutely yes to marriage at the time you start the process.
None of that may sound like a very romantic way to “pop the question”. Your time for a romantic proposal will come. But the truth is that you are going to have to work through a lot of paperwork. By the time you’ve finished the visa paperwork, you will have spent months more creating a bond that is not questionable. The thought of leaving family and country and making a life with you may be less eventful than it could be otherwise if you had to force the issue a few weeks after meeting.
I am a romantic guy and I was determined to make my marriage proposal a very romantic event. Once she got here and we’d spent three weeks together, I planned a dinner cruise around the San Francisco Bay and Golden Gate Bridge. We had already picked out rings in Ukraine so she could show them to her family, but she did not see them again until I got on one knee and proposed marriage officially to her on that romantic cruise. Most guys will propose actual marriage in the girl’s home country, but this is where you have to follow your heart.
I have faith in you. You’ll come up with your own way to be romantic with your beauty queen.
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I decided to also include my son, Christopher, in the marriage proposal.
We both got on one knee. I asked if she’d be my wife and he asked if she’d be his step-mom.
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Veronika
Veronika, 19, 105 lbs., 5’6”, Ukraine
I’m sure you have already realized that women featured at the beginning of each chapter are the real deal. They have signed up to find a good man to love for the rest of their lives. These are not professional models, but incredible women with big dreams. But, it is a bonus that the marriage agencies use fantastic photographers!
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