I remember when I was in primary school a boy I didn’t know casually waked up to me and
caned me across the back of the legs with a stick. I thought I was destined to be a cripple. He
said, as he ran off, that’s for your brother. Apparently my brother had beaten him up and
because my brother was bigger than him, he found someone smaller to retaliate to.
Thirty years on and I was watching a documentary about a teenage girl who had been raped
by her older brother. She was seventeen, yet had no idea who she could talk to or what she
should do. In retaliation, she beat up and exposed seven younger teenage boys. In other
words, one victim created seven more victims before she found help. Help came at a cost
because she feared exposing her brother to the rest of her family. But when it’s your family
that betrays you, it becomes confusing for a child. Family are the people you believe you can
trust; they are the people you believe will protect you, and who know you better than anyone;
yet they are the most likely to hurt you. That’s why so many victims find it difficult to deal
with, when they are abused by family. They know your strengths, your weaknesses and your
desires. And their level of compassion will determine how safe you are.
One way to recognise a victim mentality is by their undealt issues, or 'baggage' as we like to
call it. When a small problem occurs in their life, they tend to over-react. With Mrs Smith it’s
obvious when she yells at her children when simple instructions will suffice. With my dad,
anytime the Children misbehaved will simply drive him crazy. That’s why I never saw my
father when I was young. He avoided me because he couldn’t cope with the innocence and
ignorance of young children. When I was a baby, my brothers and sisters spoiled me with
attention. They coddled me every time I cried so that I would not annoy my father. If he got
annoyed, he got abusive.
Because my father’s victim mentality consumed most of his problems, my crying only added
to what he was already suffering. His life was like an active volcano and his victim mentality
was the lava sitting under the surface. My crying added a little pressure and the volcano
explodes. This is why we are told time and time again not to bottle up our feelings. We have
feelings for a reason and our natural instinct is to share them. We also have a natural instinct
to want to hear them since it build a bond and a connection between people we love and
respect. It nurtures our spirit. We are conditioned to bottle up feelings because of people who
have mistreated them as we were growing up. When it happens too often, we stop trusting
people with our feelings. However, we must come to the realisation that not everyone is
untrustworthy. There will come a time in our life when we will find people who are
compassionate and trustworthy.
Then there is my brother, the one that I adore so much. I like him for many reasons but the
two things that come to mind, are that he is clever and supportive. He is the proverbial middle
child in our family. He is the middle of all nine children with two older brothers and two
younger. As the older two boys were starting to chase girls, he got left with the younger two.
And again, when the bedrooms were divided, the middle child was put with us younger two
as well. When the older two boys suffered at the hands of my father, the middle child was
included with them while us younger two missed out on my father’s abuse. It seemed the
middle child received the short straw from both worlds. When my sneaky middle brother was
about twelve, we use to sit down on a Saturday morning and watch the wrestling. My other
brother and I were only seven and nine, so the middle brother was much bigger and stronger
than us. But when the wrestling had finished on television, we laid a blanket on the back lawn
and had our own wrestling match. It always ended the same way every Saturday with either
me or the nine year-old running into the house crying and hurt. Yet the next Saturday we
were out there doing it all over again until my middle brother sent one of us inside crying. At
the time it seemed fair to us because we obeyed the rules that we had learnt from the show.
Three taps on the mat and whatever hold our brother had us in, he would release us. Plus we
also felt we were learning something of value as a way of protecting ourselves in this big bad
world.
My brother, the middle child is a passive man, and it took sixty years before I ever saw him
erupt, and only once. Normally he spent his life taking his frustrations out on a little ball in
whatever sport he chose. But this once I remember he started throwing punches when he
couldn’t get the cooperation from his stubborn fourteen year-old granddaughter who refused
to comply with a simple and necessary task. Apply a bit of stress to a submissive person and
they will either crumble or explode, and since they don’t like either, they avoid conflict at all
costs. And that was exactly what my brother did all of his life.
In my understanding the middle brother is a man who goes too far the wrong way. What I
mean is best described when he said to me, that because he had been beaten, he was not going
to hit his own children. The dysfunction of child abuse has gone from one extreme to the next
in just one generation. Neglecting to discipline his children is not good for the child either.
Children need boundaries. My nephews are intolerable adults because they did not receive
any discipline. I agree that excessive hitting is bad and hitting out of anger is also bad, but
giving a child a smack to discipline them is healthy. It’s all about motivation; what is best for
the child. One of the reason young boys play havoc with their parents is because they are
trying to find the boundaries. They will push and push at your buttons until you do smack
them. It is only then that they learn when to stop. I receive more respect from children I have
smacked out of discipline than their parents who don’t. I don’t hurt the child, but they see the
rules have changed, and that consequence do occur.
All children need a trigger to know when the rules have changed. For example a request can
change to a demand by accompanying it with a different tone of voice, and then onto a
consequence. If it gets that far, the consequence must be carried out, so always be prepared to
fulfil your threat. My sister use to threaten her son to cut his water off if he didn’t comply
with her demands. Even though she never followed through, she still wondered why he never
complied. However the six-year-old daughter came running in one day with a cut thumb and
holding a kitchen knife upside-down. Apparently, she tried to cut off her five-year-old
brothers willy, when he would not do as he was told. Children need boundaries and if they
don’t have them, then they’ll push you until they find them. If you’re not prepared to carry
out your threats, let’s say your child is being difficult while you’re shopping, don’t threaten
to stop shopping and go home if you need to get the shopping done. Make threats you are
prepared to carry out or the kid will control you. Babies know how to manipulate and if
you’re not conscious of that, they will only learn how to do it better the older they get.
Being in control is healthy when you have your child’s interest at heart. One of my brothers,
though, constantly yells at his children and still thinks he’s in control. In reality, he is out of
control since he is constantly abusive. Because he doesn’t give the child a chance to make
mistakes and correct them, they will never learn how to learn to overcome, when every
mistake is over-exaggerated with yelling. I was the same with my son, however I learnt to
turn my life around. Instead of instantly yelling, the rules need to change gradually so the
child has a chance to learn. Life threatening circumstances are the exception. As for my
brother, if his children don’t adhere to his yelling he only has two choices, one, to do nothing
and he becomes inconsistent, or get violent and become more abusive. His kids, like mine,
used to live in fear of their father because of the abuse.
Then there are parents who take physical contact to the extreme. I know of men who avoid
their daughters out of the fear that they might do something they don’t want to. I sympathise
with them, but what they are doing is harmful to their daughter’s outlook on life. Since young
girls are being rejected by their father for no reason, or at least from the daughters perspective
that’s true, but why should any daughter have to miss out on their father’s affection? This
dilemma causes for girls what we call, 'daddy issues'.
I have learnt this first hand and the experience shocked me. On two occasions I have come
across two young girls, about fourteen, who had been rejected by their father. Both families
had been through a divorce, and while one of the fathers spent most of his time working, the
other concentrated on learning the guitar. Their daughters were so confused, however I don’t
really know what they were thinking, but they were not thinking clearly or appropriately. The
first child was a customer’s daughter who paid her father’s account for him. One day she sat
on the floor, directly in front of me without any underwear on. Since she was only wearing a
short skirt and propped down crossed legged, I saw more of her than I was supposed to. It
was obvious that she was looking for attention but was confused to what sort of attention and
by whom. Not many people see themselves in this position but I am sure some men would
seize the moment, so to speak. As for me, even though she was looking directly at my face,
so she was aware of what I saw, I pretended that I didn’t notice and continued the
conversation as if nothing had happened. I don’t know if I should have said something to the
father or taken her aside and said something. Either way it’s too late now. All I did for this
girl was to treat her as a person. I listened when she spoke; I answered her questions and
generally respected her. I didn’t expect to see what I saw and really, I just dismissed it at the
time. The second girl had similar circumstances, however I was helping her with her
homework. Her mother was always in the room while we worked, but later became a little
complacent. I’m sure she thought her daughter was safe enough in her own home, but I was
not prepared for what followed. A similar scenario followed when the mother went for a
shower. Her fourteen-year-old daughter decided to do her homework on the floor. There
didn’t seem anything wrong with that as it gave us more room to spread out her books, but
the short skirt and cross legs were a sight I didn’t expect. I ignored it but then for some
unknown reason she decided to lean over the couch revealing her naked backside. I had to
leave the room. When I returned to the makeshift study room, I soon learnt that the bra had
disappeared as well. I dismissed myself and went home, pretending that I never noticed the
display.
The first girl I never saw again, but the second I still know her father. Now-a-days he talks
about how happy she is with her husband and two children, but I think back at how horribly
wrong it could have gone if she did that to the wrong person.
I believe these are rare cases or even misunderstood ones by me. The truth will never be
revealed. However if the wrong man witnessed what I had, it is possible that he may have
taken advantage of the girls. Even if the girls were not intentionally seeking sexual attention,
they may have gotten more than they bargained for. My assumption is that both girls were
looking for an adult to try and bring some normality back into their lives, as they must have
felt they had lost both parents through the divorce. Although I don’t believe they were after
sex, they were after attention, but their methods were very dangerous.
What I am saying is that children need both role models, not perfect ones, just healthy ones.
They need to be around the same gender to learn how to behave, and they need to be around
the opposite gender to learn how to relate. They especially need to be around people who will
give them affection without sexual intentions.
I was brought up with three older sisters and four older brothers. I have seen both sides of the
gender influence, but none so impacting as working for a woman. I am not being
disrespectful, in fact I am very grateful, for I learnt a lot about myself and women thanks to
her. At first, she didn’t think I was suitable for the job, but she was not the one doing the
hiring and consequently, had to work with me even though she didn’t like me. This meant
that there were extra expectations placed on me so that I would either shape up to her
standards, or ship out. One of our problems was that she was able to do five things at once
and fully expected me to be able to do the same. I’m more singe minded or single focused
rather than a multitasker. I’ve since learnt that multitasking is generally a gift given to women
while generally, men are best at single tasks. Yet because I had to, as I was under pressure to
keep my job I learnt to multitask. It took time, it was uncomfortable and although I achieved
it, I always felt like I was rowing upstream. I can still multitask but I’m comfortable in my
natural ability when single tasking. It is less stress for me and the end results are better.
My point is that we need to find our natural gifts in life. We all need each other because we
were born to be relationship orientated beings and therefore avoiding our children is not the
answer to avoiding child abuse, it is an actual form of abuse that we call neglect.
So why are victims selfish and why don’t they realise they are hurting others? Simply put,
‘self-preservation’. When we are violated, abused or wronged, we expect justice. If our
abuser gets away with their crime, we get angry. Anger is justified and an acceptable feeling,
but what we do with that anger can provoke a wrong response. Notice I said feeling anger is
acceptable, which is different from displaying anger. Anger is our spirits way of saying we
have been violated. How we display that anger is what we need to consider carefully. We
have three choices, one, display our pain and explain that we have been hurt. We still need to
give our attacker the chance to admit their guilt and apologise. We then have the right to ask
for compensation that is befitting the crime and then they have the right to be forgiven.
Personally, I don’t think it ever turns out like that.
The second option is to display our anger instead of the hurt. If that happens it’s already too
late to give them the opportunity to apologise, for your wrong response now means that you
should be apologising. Displaying anger by yelling or hitting or retaliating without giving
them the opportunity to recognise their error, is abusive and irresponsible. However it is
usually caused by the third response.
Thirdly, like most people, they turn their anger inwardly and bottle it up, hoping it will go
away. Turning it inwardly only stores it deep within our soul. The only problem then is, if we
don’t deal with the crime properly, our anger festers and grows within our soul. If we were to
forgive our assailant, it would begin our healing process, but if we don’t we form a grudge
against our attacker.
We often don’t like to deal with offences because we have to revisit the problem with our
assailant and they most likely are not confrontationally friendly. Plus most people don’t
realise that past hurts form their personality. If undealt anger resides in our soul, it starts as a
grudge and over time eventually turning into bitterness. While we hold on to anger, we can
still control what we do with it and the correct response is to forgive our abuser. But if we
deal with it incorrectly by exploding, we are just as guilty as them and most people know that
two wrongs don’t make a right. But if we conceal our anger, it festers and grows into a
grudge. Once it is a grudge, it then controls us. We can see the effects of a grudge by our
judgemental comments and criticism that we, [3] as victims of crime, apply to everyone who
does something we don’t like. If we still don’t deal with the grudge it continues to grow with
every little act of injustice that is inflicted upon us and eventually festers into bitterness.
3 [For out of the overflow of your heart, the mouth speaks. Matthew 12:34]
Bitterness controls us even more and our actions are effected as well as our words as we
become rebellious, destructive and revengeful. Some of the signs of our destructive behaviour
are the obvious ones, such as graffiti, property damage and misconduct. But there are also
self-destructive outcomes such as financial problems, sexual immorality, relationship
conflicts, lying and eating disorders. Then there is the ultimate destructive behaviour,
unrealistic expectations of others. These are all outward manifestations of our inward
disorder, brought about by a wrong response to the anger of being a victim.
Too many times we don’t discuss issues that have traumatised our lives, mostly because
certain people won’t let us, such as the people who are the bullies in our life. It’s important to
remember that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. And if it is impossible
or difficult to discuss your issues with your abuser, then don’t push your opinion on them.
First and foremost, you are trying to get healing for yourself. Although it would be easier if
your abuser accepted their role in the abuse, it’s however, more important that you accept
your role. And too many times I have heard of victims who blame themselves for provoking
their attacker. We need to put the blame truthfully where it belongs. If it us, then we need to
act on it accordingly. If it is not our fault, then we need to act on our wrong response.
If we hold on to hateful or vengeful thoughts because our abuser won’t repent or apologise,
then we have given a wrong response to their actions and are doing ourselves an injustice. As
we hang onto hurts, we are damaging our own soul and spirit, as well as stopping God from
doing his job.
It is written in the Bible, ‘Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath,
"It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.’ [4]
However, if we continue to hold a grudge, then God can do nothing against our perpetrator
for we are judging them already. If we truly forgive our abuser, and that means wanting the
best for them, we free our spirit to think clearly, and free our soul of guilt, meanwhile freeing
our abuser into the hands of a living God. For it is also written: 'The one who sows to please
his selfish nature, from that nature will reap destruction.' [5] In other words, their selfish
ambitions will bring about their downfall. I have seen it so many times.
The soul houses three things, our heart, mind and emotions. It encompasses our ability to
think, reason and our will power. If our soul is full of pain and undealt issues, these things are
affected. Our attitude is form from within our spirit, governing our gut feelings, our intuition
and our perception. Our hurts become like cellophane over a lens, the more cellophane, the
cloudier the view, the cloudier the judgement.
If you have been hurt and your abuser has not repented of their crime, then there is no
forgiveness for them. We too are the same. For each wrong we have committed, even if it’s
just a wrong response, we need to repent of it so that we can get forgiveness, even if it just to
God. Without repentance, there is no forgiveness. With each repented act, each layer of
cellophane is removed, and each hurt can begin to heal.
If we don’t forgive, over time we run a huge risk of hardening our heart. Also within the
spirit are our heartfelt beliefs, our compassion; the ability to care, love and give, all come
from the heart. A hardened heart knows not of such things, but a memory reminds us of what
we knew in the past.
Being hurt and abused will literally form our personality. That what some people will tell you
that getting hurt from time-to-time will toughen you up; it’s good for your soul and we learn
4 [Romans 12:19]
5 [Galatians 6:8 paraphrased]
from them. But forgiveness will keep our soul running in the way it was intended, and not
littered and corrupted.
~ 14 ~