It was the next day in Washington, D.C., and Sam Barnaby was now sixty-four years old, and he was in his first term as President of the United States of America.
President Barnaby relaxed in the Oval Office with his shoes kicked up on the Resolute desk while he read his Complete Dumbass Guide to Being President book. He was on the How To Solve Worldly Disasters chapter. He looked depressed while he read that chapter for solutions on earth's pending disaster.
On the wall at the opposite end of the Oval Office was located a bunch of 36-inch Plasma TVs. They all suddenly powered up with numerous world leaders visible from their offices.
"President Barnaby, can this asteroid be stopped?" French President Beaumont said from his TV.
Barnaby glanced over the top of his book at the TVs. "Don't worry, the U, S of A has a plan to send it off into deep space," he replied with a cocky smile.
"The U, S of A, ah! You always have to be a cowboy. We are capable of a plan! I say, blow it up!" Chinese President Wang said from his TV.
"I like that idea!" North Korean Chul-Moo said from his TV then he looked over to his side. "It's four hundred and thirty-four miles away. Nuke it now!"
"No! Let Sam implement his plan!" Prime Minister Goodrich from the United Kingdom said from his TV.
On TVs, the German Chancellor Kiel, French President Beaumont, Russia President Ivanov, Spain President Vargas, Australian Prime Minister Walker, Japanese President Kato, Canadian President Morin, South Korean President Doko and Italian President Conti all nodded in agreement from their TVs.
"Ya. You can use one of my cosmonauts," Russian President Ivanov stated with a serious look from his TV.
"I like Sam's plan. But we must keep this under wraps or mass hysteria will occur," Canadian President Morin stated from his TV.
"Don't worry, my guys can keep a secret," President Barnaby said from behind his desk.
All the TVs on the wall went blank when the world leaders left the video conference.
President Barnaby returned to his Complete Dumbass Guide To Being President book. His purple phone rang on his desk.
"I'm the President, and you're not," he answered the purple phone.
"Mister President, this is Richard Head from NERP at the Rocket Ranch in Space Beach, Florida," he said from the receiver.
"Yes Richard," President Barnaby said while he set his book down on his desk.
"I'm faxing you the list of astronauts capable of performing the mission to rid us of this asteroid," Richard replied from the receiver.
"Great. I'm anxious to see it," President Barnaby said while he turned around and looked on the credenza behind him below the window.
The fax arrived a few seconds later, and President Barnaby looked it over. He frowned at the list of candidates, as he didn't like the list of possible astronauts.
"How come Butch Beaver, Jake Savage, and Ronnie Humper are not on the list?" President Barnaby asked Richard.
"I'm sorry sir, but I know they're not suitable for this mission with this high historical value," Richard replied from the purple phone.
President Barnaby looked at the old framed picture of Butch in his 1972 Uranus spacesuit on his credenza then back at the list. "No, I want the Savage Beaver Humper team performing this mission," President Barnaby instructed Richard.
"That would not be a wise move, sir. You know how they performed on their last Uranus mission and screwed it up royally," Richard replied from the phone.
"Listen to me, if you don't put them on this mission, I'll demote you down to a janitor. Do you understand?" President Barnaby told Richard with a serious tone then slammed his phone down.
He kicked up his feet and returned to reading his Complete Dumbass Guide To Being President book.
Back at NERP Headquarters at the Rocket Ranch in Space Beach, Florida, Richard fumed behind his office desk. He thought about refusing, but the vision of pushing a broom and cleaning toilets for the rest of his career was not viable. He loved sitting behind a desk, barking out orders. He wanted to cry over being forced to work with Jake and Butch again.
It was the next day, and a NERP Cessna Citation Mustang jet landed at the Phoenix Sky Harbor International airport.
The jet taxied to the FBO at the airport and parked.
Twenty minutes later, Richard and Jennifer were in a Chevrolet Impala rental car and headed toward Sun City, a retirement community near Phoenix.
Jake Savage was now sixty-five years old with thinning white hair, and he was fully retired. He was bent over with his head under the hood of his red with red interior 1966 restored Chevy Impala Super Sport inside his garage.
His garage contained numerous memories of his days as an Astronaut.
There was his white Astronaut spacesuit hung on the wall; something he forgot to turn in when he was fired from the NERP.
There was a golf ball in a frame with a "First Hole In One On The Moon" bronze label.
A large picture of Jake, Butch, and Ronnie in their Astronaut suits posed for their 1972 Uranus mission. On that picture was a massive red "X" over Butch's face.
There were other pictures of Jake during Air Force pilot days hung on the wall.
Jake worked under the hood with a clang and a bang. He removed a spark plug and dropped it on the floor.
He went back to work under the hood with a clang and a bang. He removed another spark plug and dropped it on the floor.
The doorbell from inside the house was heard, and Jake ignored it, as he was too involved with his work.
He went back to work under the hood with a clang and a bang, then oil sprayed on Jake's body.
June Savage was fifty-six years old and had been Jake's wife for the past thirty years. She entered the garage with a handful of vacation brochures in her hand.
"Are you sure the car will be ready in time?" June asked while she stood in the doorway from the house.
Jake got out from under the hood. Oil dripped off his shirt while he looked over at June. "No problem June. I'll have her purring like a kitchen by the end of the day," he replied with a confident look.
June looked at his shirt, and the spark plugs on the floor. She shook her head as this was a familiar sight so many times. "I'll reserve a rental car," she replied, then looked back inside the house. "Oh, by the way, you have two visitors," she added then turned around and walked back inside the house.
Jake saw two figures at the doorway then he looked pissed. He stepped away from his Impala.
His sneakers slipped out from under him when he stepped in some oil, and he landed on hard on his butt. "I never wanted to see to you again!" he said while he sat on his butt on the concrete floor.
Richard and Jennifer stood arm in arm in the doorway, and Richard looked unhappy. "The feeling's mutual. But unfortunately, the NERP needs you temporarily for a tippity top-secret hush-hush mission to save the world," Richard said while he gritted his teeth over the thought of working with Jake again.
Jake perked up with extreme interest. "Did you say tippity top-secret hush-hush?" Jake asked while he got back up on his feet.
Richard and Jennifer both nodded their heads in agreement.
"Let's talk," Jake said then cautiously walked over to them.
Fifteen minutes later, Jake was cleaned up and changed his clothes. He sat in his lazy boy chair in the living room while Richard and Jennifer sat on his couch. June sat in another Lazy Boy chair near Jake.
Richard and June just finished briefing Jake and June about the historic mission.
"Why me? After all, you kicked me out of NERP, twenty-five years ago," Jake said while he gritted his teeth wanting to jump across the coffee table and open up a can of whoop-ass on Richard.
"As CEO, I would rather have my own Ferry crew do it, but," Richard said then stopped, and he gritted his teeth. "The President demanded I use the Savage Beaver Humper team," he added with a sarcastic tone.
June was fit to be tied and glared at Jake because they had a vacation trip coming up next week.
Jake got overly self-important then he propped up his bare feet on the coffee and crossed his hands behind his head.
"So, tell me more about the President needing me to save the world," Jake said in a cocky, arrogant tone.
Richard and Jennifer pinched off their noses, as Jake's feet stunk.
"Our boys discovered your old Sweet Thing at the front of The Finger asteroid," Jennifer said with a nasal tone.
Jake recalled his old screw up and placed his feet back on the floor.
Richard and Jennifer had blue faces and exhaled in relief once that odor went away. They returned to their typical colors and removed their fingers from their noses.
"I don't know how your old Sweet Thing could have come back to earth, but my blood pressure couldn't stand listening to your bull shit explanation," Richard said while he fought from jumping across the table and opening up a can of whoop-ass on Jake. Then Richard got a smirk on his face. "But there's one more important condition with your mission," he added.
"What's that? A huge pay raise?" Jake asked, excitedly.
"No, you have to work with Butch and Ronnie," Richard replied.
Jake glared at Richard. "I won't do it!" Jake said and crossed his arms and pouted like a little kid.
"You don't have a choice. The President called all three of you back to active duty. If you don't go on this mission, he'll send you to military prison for going AWOL," Richard said with a threatening tone.
Jake pondered for a second while he thought about Richard's threatening comment.
"Here are their addresses. Go round them up," Richard said while he removed a piece of paper and handed it to Jake.
Richard then lovingly rubbed Jennifer's shoulder. She twirled her hair, and then she placed her head on his shoulder. He tenderly put his arm around her. "Jennifer Roogan here is the Director of Training for Earth Disasters. She'll get you started," he told Jake.
Jake looked over at June. She violently shook her head in disagreement to this mission. Jake looked across the room and saw a Superman doll on his bookcase shelf. "I'll do it!" he replied, thinking himself as being Superman.
June's eyes welled up, and she got up from her chair in a huff. She furiously glared down at Jake. "You've promised me this vacation for years!" she yelled while she shook the vacation brochures in his face.
"But puddin now's my chance to become an Astronaut again," Jake pleaded with her. "And a hero!" he added.
"You've been a walking disaster for years. You'll screw this up!" June yelled while she threw the vacation brochures at Jake. She stormed out of the living room.
Richard did a little victory dance on the couch happy that June got pissed with Jake.
Jennifer felt sorry for Jake and didn't appreciate Richard's behavior.
Later that day, a 1953 Cadillac with a "Nursing Home For Very, Very Old People" sign on the driver and passenger doors pulled into Jake's driveway.
The driver was a black male around seventy years old. He got out and wore black pants, a white shirt with a black tie and a chauffeur's hat.
He walked with a limp to Jake's front door and rang the doorbell.
The door opened, and June appeared. "Hello, Hoke," she replied.
"Hello, Miss June. Are you ready?" Hoke replied.
"My suitcase is in the house," June replied then stepped aside to allow him inside.
A few minutes later, Hoke staggered while he dragged the large, heavy suitcase down the driveway to the rear of the Caddy.
He opened the trunk and strained while he manhandled the suitcase then eventually shoved it inside the trunk. The rear of the Caddy lowered five inches due to the weight of the suitcase.
Hoke slammed the trunk closed then he painfully walked over and opened up the rear door.
June rushed out of the house and up to the opened car door where Hoke waited.
June sat down in the backseat.
Jake, in an unbuttoned shirt, pants and bare feet, ran out of the house. "Wait," he yelled out while he ran over to the Caddy.
Hoke walked over and sat in the driver's seat.
"Are you coming back?" Jake cried out while he ran up to June's car door.
"I'm staying with Mother, so I don't know when I'll come back home!" June yelled out then she slammed the car door shut and it caught the bottom of Jake's shirt.
Hoke backed the Caddy down the driveway pulling Jake along. He lost his footing and fell to the street.
Hoke drove off down the street and dragged Jake along.
Jake tumbled down the street alongside the Caddy. Then his shirt finally ripped apart, and he was freed.
He sat up all banged up and looked sad while he watched while the Caddy drove away.
The next day, Jake flew to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and grabbed a Chevrolet Impala rental car.
He drove west to the area called Exton.
Forty-five minutes later, he pulled into the Exton Mall parking lot.
A little while later, Jake walked around the Exton Mall. He saw an area where a Kiddies train made a trek around the first floor of the mall. This trains kept the kids occupied while their mommies rested from shopping.
Jake walked up to the white fenced Train Station area where he saw the "Little Brat's Train Ride – Stops The Whining" sign by a chair in front of the entrance. This entrance was where the kids would load and unload from the train.
The area had numerous mommies that sat on benches while they waited for these kids to return from their trip around the mall.
Jake sat down amongst the mommies and waited.
New mommies walked up with their kids to give them a ride.
Ten minutes later, fifteen new kids waited for their ride and looked excited while the trained headed down the track toward the train station.
Jake looked and saw Ronnie Humper was now sixty-five years old with thinning white hair. He sat in the seat of the locomotive and wore an engineer's hat with his feet propped up and read a girlie magazine.
Ronnie tooted the horn when the train pulled into the station and stopped.
All the kids jumped out of the trailing train cars excited.
They and ran over to their mommies who all got up from their benches.
Ronnie stepped out of the train while Jake stood up from his bench.
"Well, well. As I breathe and fart. It's good ole Jake Savage," Ronnie said the second he saw Jake.
Jake walked over to the train, and they shook hands.
"Here's Ronnie Humper the engineer," Jake said then looked ashamed. "I'm sorry you also got kicked out of the NERP back in seventy-two," he added.
"No big deal, we were a team, so I also deserved it," Ronnie replied with a smile happy to see Jake again.
"So, did you ever get married?" Jake asked, curiously.
"Why should I when I can pay for the loving I need," Ronnie replied then he curiously looked at Jake. "What brings you to Pennsylvania?" Ronnie added.
"The reason I'm here is the NERP wants us for a tippity top secret hush hush mission," Jake responded with a serious look.
Numerous shoppers curiously inched close to Jake and Ronnie so they could eavesdrop on their conservation.
The waiting kids could care less while they all rushed over and grabbed seats in the train cars.
Ronnie's ears perked up with interest. "What's going on?"
"The NERP just learned that an asteroid's about to slam into earth killing us all," Jake said and looked serious.
A woman near them got horrified overhearing the news. "An asteroid's going to destroy the earth!" the woman screamed at all the people around her.
The woman startled Ronnie, and he accidentally moved the train lever to the "Extremely Fast" setting.
The train accelerated down the track.
When the news that the woman screamed out, finally sunk in their heads, everybody screamed and ran away in a chaotic panic.
The train raced down the track and picked up speed.
The kids screamed from their train cars while it raced away.
Ronnie glanced at the train while it raced down the track. "Is Butch coming along?" Ronnie asked Jake then he walked over and hit the "Emergency Stop" button on the main control panel.
The train screeched to a stop on the tracks. Some of the kids were tossed out of the train unhurt.
Jake tightened his jaw and ground his teeth, thinking about working with Butch again.
The next day, Jake and Ronnie flew down to Charlotte, North Carolina where they got a Chevrolet Impala rental car and headed west to the town of Shelby.
Later that day, Jake and Ronnie walked around the fairgrounds in Shelby, and they soon stepped up to a Skyscraper ride. On the ride, a young man yelled out in joy while he went around and around.
Butch Beaver was now sixty-five years old with thinning white hair. He sat at the control panel and watched the man while he went around and around on the ride. Then the hairs on the back of his neck stood up when he sensed something wasn't right. He slowly looked to his left and saw a sight that made his cringe with hatred the second he laid eyes on Jake.
"Butch Beaver," Jake sneered while he and Ronnie walked up to Butch.
Butch picked up a large drink and took a sip. "What do you want, Jake Savage?" he asked while he set his drink on the top of the console for the Skyscraper.
Jake hated this moment with a passion. "I, I, need you, Butch," Jake strained to get the words out of his mouth.
"Listen, like I told you back in college. I was drunk, horny, and thought I was in the girl's dorm. I didn't know it was you in that bed," Butch quickly replied and looked embarrassed.
Jake thought about his comment for a few seconds. He shook his head when it dawned on him what Butch meant. "No, it's not that. The NERP needs us for a very tippity top secret hush hush mission," Jake replied.
"Why should I care? After all, you got me kicked out of the NERP back in seventy-two," Butch replied, and those memories started to make his blood boil.
"It's your fault, you started the fight on the moon," said Jake.
"No, you did," Butch said defiantly then stood up.
"Look, an asteroid's going to slam into the earth and kill us all! They need us to save everybody from dying," Jake yelled out.
A woman nearby got horrified when she heard Jake's news. "The earth's going to be destroyed!" the woman screamed out in a panic.
Everybody screamed and ran away in a chaotic panic.
"I thought this was supposed to be hush-hush, you dumbass!" Butch said while he saw the people run away in a chaotic panic.
Jake got furious and stormed up to Butch and swung at him. He missed and knocked over Butch's drink, and it spilled soda into the control panel. Sparks flew out everywhere from the console due to the drink. Then a clunk sound was heard, and the Skyscraper ride spun around faster.
The man on the ride screamed in fear then he vomited.
Vomit sprayed all over people down on the fairground.
The man's seat compartment from the Skyscraper snapped off and went airborne. It soared off into the sky in a westerly direction.
Jake and Butch watched while the compartment from the Skyscraper ride flew away into the sky, and the man screamed.
"Fine. I'll save the world," Butch said knowing they would fire him from this job.
Jake didn't look thrilled while the Savage Beaver Humper team walked away through the fairground.
Five minutes later, the man in the Skyscraper ride compartment bounced and finally landed in a cornfield fifty miles away. He was uninjured but did have to change his pants.