He was perfect.

A jewel in the crown of humanity.

His smug smile graced billboards across the land, providing comfort and inspiration for people everywhere.

However, the best thing of all was the news that the great emperor had decided to bless this small Canadian town with his presence.

“He’s a big man in this world, much like myself,” proclaimed Herman.

“Very big,” echoed Melvin, Herman’s skinny sidekick. “He’s about 6oo pounds.” Melvin studied Herman’s huge form. “And you, what are you? 575 pounds?”

“576 pounds as of this morning,” Herman corrected, patting his foolish servant on the head. “No doubt the great emperor and I will have much to discuss, much to wrestle with.”

“One question I’ve always wrestled with is, what is the in crowd is actually in,” Gertrude, a weathered old woman muttered as she hobbled past the two fine citizens sitting on sidewalk.

Herman preened, thankful for the attention of someone in his town. “Indeed woman, it is questions like this that vex our souls. That is why I have been summoned to join the great emperor after the procession. That is why we must spend the day together, wrestling…”

“Sumo wrestling,” Melvin spoke the truth plainly, as befitting a plain looking young man such as himself. His duty done, Melvin shifted his position to avoid Herman’s heavy hand patting his head.

Gertrude halted, crossed her arms and began stroke her chin. “Another question I’ve always wrestled with is, why does the in crowd always seem so out of it?”

Herman was about to reply but he was interrupted by seven blasts from a golden trumpet. It was the signal, the sign that the emperor was about to begin the official procession.

“I am, I said,” by Neil Diamond began to blare from a pair of massive speakers that had been set up at the end of the street. On that note, the emperor began to strut along the pavement, a lone figure because no one else was worthy to parade with him. Yet, also a regal figure that humbly waved at the masses that lined the street, cheering his progress.

“The emperor isn’t wearing anything,” Gertrude pointed out, betraying her lack of intelligence.

“Hey. You’re right,” Melvin agreed.

“That is where you both are wrong,” proclaimed Herman. “The emperor is wearing a smile and for an emperor that is more than enough.” With that, Herman heaved himself to his feet and began applauding and whistling along with the rest of the masses.

As always, Gertrude was a disapproving figure on the sidelines. Shaking her head, wagging her finger in vain at the mob cheering the great emperor.

Melvin stuck to his position, sitting crossed-legged on the sidewalk. It was clear that he too was doubtful about this emperor.

Yet, it was obvious to everyone else that the emperor was a truly great man as he preened, waved and lumbered his way along the road.

As snow began to fall and an icy January wind began to blow, even Melvin and Gertrude came to agree that this was the coolest emperor that their small Canadian town had ever seen.