Dear Willie,
I’ve been smoking 20 a day for 30 years and just can’t stop. I’ve tried everything, patches, gum, the lot and I was even a dartboard for an acupuncturist for a while. At one point I was so desperate I asked my pal Big Charlie to thump me if he ever saw me with a cigarette. He cracked my jaw on the left side but I still managed to inhale through the right side of my mouth. How do I stop?
Darren, Cardiff
13
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Dear Darren,
The only guaranteed way to stop smoking is to seal up every orifice in yer body using industrial strength super glue. This will ensure that you have nowhere to stick yer cigarette. It will also ensure that you are dead, due to lack of oxygen, but this is a small price to pay to become a non-smoker.
Willie