Dear Willie,
You must help me. My husband and I are divorced and now, in my hour of need, my bosoms have deserted me. They were always my pride and joy and were always a source of attraction to my admirers. But now they are drooping and saggy and I fear I shall never find another man. I have tried support bras and would consider plastic surgery only I’m allergic to anaesthetics. What can I possibly do?
Simone, Alaska
Dear Simone,
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Not all men are attracted to large, firm, upstanding, boobies. Some men, in fact, prefer quite flat-chested women. You, therefore, should not worry too much. My prescription for you is not to concentrate on the bodily parts that have failed you, but to seek out another area of attraction. What are your feet like?
Willie