Dear Willie,
I intend getting engaged to a very becoming young lady called Slutty Lovesit, but my friends advise me against it as they say she has a bit of a reputation. She is in fact a very demure girl and only occasionally likes to hang around dockside bars and carouse with sailors. She is as pure as the virgin snow and the tattoo on her bottom was caused by a medical accident. How can I convince my friends of my Slutty’s many fine qualities?
Burt, Liverpool
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Dear Burt,
If you were any kind of a man you would ignore your friends’ views. What is a reputation compared to a woman’s ability to skin a hare and cook it with root vegetables? If your lassie can manage this she will make an excellent wife.
Willie