The Crab Man Chapter 9
Life still had to go on for Eddie and Shawna despite the weirdness Dirty Bird brought into their life. It felt strange talking to the authorities but it was what it was. All that hood life of not talking to the POH-lice didn’t really play out like that in the real world. There was bills to pay, jobs to put food on the table, and everyone in this world was admired for finding more and more clever ways to make a buck without having to pick up a shovel.
Eddie twirled around his keys as he walked out to his BMW and purposely pumped out his chest to show off his new white Nike tank top. The weather was nice and sunny and he felt like today was going to be a good day. He used his thumb to push twice on the key remote to unlock the door to his fancy ride and couldn’t wait to smell that new leather. When he got in he recognized Shawna’s perfume aftermath and then quickly noticed a card covered with lip stick kisses on his steering wheel with magic marker that said “To Eddie from Shawna”.
Eddie opened the card with excitement. It wasn’t too often that Shawna did special things like this.
The glittery card read. “Eddie I love you so much I got you something special. Look in the trunk.”
A bowling ball thought Eddie to himself,
My special boo finally got me a new bowling ball
He walked around towards the trunk and immediately noticed someone had bunched together silver Hershey kisses mimicking what appeared as bird foot prints leading to the trunk? It looked as though Shawna had gone through a whole bag of Hershey kisses to make these bird prints but it was definitely something funny that she would think to do.
Before opening the trunk Eddie picked up a pile of Hershey kisses and popped one into his mouth.
Nothing like a sweet taste of chocolate before going to work. He even whistled as he pushed the trunk open button on his key fob.
The trunk popped open and I had my Stanley Super Soaker pointed right at Eddie’s beautiful pretty boy face. This was going to hurt. Nobody liked boiling water right in their face especially since I had mixed it up with some old Bay. Yeah, I know how to kill a fucking crab. Nothing like a little salt rubbed into the wound. Stanley had lived up to it’s vacuum sealed name. I had slept in this trunk all night long waiting for this moment. ALL Veteran war heroes knew it was true.
Take your enemy by surprise
Surprise Eddie. Surprise while I burn your face off with 212 degrees of boiling water!
“A-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-! Mother fucker!!” Eddie screamed while shielding his face with his hands as I continued to take aim.
I had words for him as I sprayed. I worked very hard building this homemade weapon. The Feds will never let me buy a gun. What other choice did I have?
“Die fucking Crab Man! Stay away from Spyder Woman!”
The boiling water ate into his skin as he did all he could to defend himself from my attack.
“I don’t know what your talking about you fucking freak!”
I underestimated Eddie. My attack was only making him stronger. He somehow managed to grab me by the throat so hard it knocked my glasses off my face.
“Stay away from us! I’m gonna kill you! You nut ass dude!”
I knew I was in trouble. Eddie had more muscles than me and could easily over power me. I aimed my weapon right at his eyes to slow him down.
“Ahhhh!!! That shit’s salty I can’t fucking see!”
I kept spraying until he had no other choice but to take his hands off me so I could run away. Shawna heard all the screaming and came running out after me with a kitchen knife. I was glad I had on my Nikes because she wielded that knife right at me.
“That you Dirty Bird? You think you can do us like this?”
I ran. I ran really fast. Just seeing that knife coming towards me somehow caused me to run faster. I ran and ran down the alley but still had one problem. My Stanley Super Soaker. It was heavy as hell and slowing me down. I needed to drop it.
Shawna realized she couldn’t keep up so she threw the knife at me but missed. I have to admit it gave me a pretty good scare. She had some parting words for me as I descended into the distance.
“We ain’t scared of you! We hood you fool!”