The Crab Man Chapter 13
I was well within my rights. I had done my research and I had done it thoroughly. Beaches were considered public places and I was well within my rights pointing my camera in ANY direction I wanted to. However, just to be safe, I wore a black t-shirt with bold lettering saying “1st Amendment Enforcer” just to prevent people from telling me I had to leave.
I proudly walked around Atlantic City’s Sandy beaches showing off my $900 Nikon camera and I enjoyed all the don’t you dare looks the witches were telepathically casting at me. This was going to be fun. This was going to stir up a ruckus for sure. I was on the hunt for RBF and I knew THIS was in fact just the place to go.
I have to admit I enjoyed the cleavage folding up like a lawn chair as I circled the Sandy Beach looking for my next prey.
No Bob. Too fat I told myself purposely skipping miss blueberry in her one piece bathing suit. Those big girls are at high risk of being sexually deprived and I would have no enjoyment giving them the attention they might actually enjoy.
The hot sandy crystals burned the balls of my feet as I perused the beach bunnies looking for a mighty fresh fine specimen.
Ahah! Just to my left! Four college freshman looking girls in hot pink bikinis sun tanning. I can creep up on them!
I got so excited whipping out my Nikon that my toes started to curl. I immediately zoomed in on their healthy butts and started snapping away. The strawberry blonde in the middle smelled my cheap old spice and immediately rolled over and had words with me.
“What are you doing creep! Go away! What are doing with those pictures?”
I corrected her while snapping the pics even more quickly. “Public beach. I’m well within my rights.”
All four bikini girls rolled over to glower at me. One finally spoke up. “Our boyfriend’s went to get us lunch. They gonna be back any second to kick your ass! Go away creep!”
I realized I had quite a problem on my hands now. These were super hot attractive babes. It only made sense they might be dating football players.
I walked away. Next spot. I only had to tone it down a notch. I’d fine myself some in betweeners that still dated guys weened on fruit rollups and play station 3. Comic book guys that sat in their mommy’s basement and used their big bellies as placemats for their food. There was a lot of beach bunnies out on the beach today so I tried another spot. Two bikini girls looking in their late 20’s. The one on the right suntanning had a cute wedgie. I immediately began shooting pics.
She freaked on me within seconds and covered herself up with a towel.
“Get away from me freak! What are you doing?”
I had quite a witty reply. “The Feds won’t let me shoot guns so I’m shooting pics.”
The woman in the green polka dot bikini screamed and waved her arms like she was drowning.
“Lifeguard! Lifeguard! Over here!” She hissed.
Now I had me some good footage. Her boobs jumping up and down while she waved down the lifeguard was going to be classic.
“What is this Baywatch? He’s not gonna defend you once he sees my t-shirt.”
“I’ll bet he will! You better go buddy he’s coming now!”
It didn’t phase me. I held my ground as the bald headed lifeguard in his mid thirties tried to assess the situation.
“Are you okay mam? Is this man bothering you?”
She pointed to my camera. “He’s taking pictures and won’t go away!”
I wasn’t intimidated by this lifeguard with his little bird chest and toothpick arms. I pointed to the lettering on my t-shirt while he stared at me.
“Public beach sir” is all I had to say.I was surprised how quickly the life guard defended me.
“Mam has he touched you?”
“No sir he’s got my pictures in his camera and I don’t know what he plans to do with them. He’s making me uncomfortable. I demand he goes away!”
“I understand that mam but unfortunately this is in fact a public beach. Unless he touched you or threatened you there’s really nothing unfortunately I can do.”
When the girl heard that she flipped and hurled sand right in my face. “Go away you freak! Stop taking pictures!”
I couldn’t stop myself recording this hissy fit. The more pics I snapped the angrier she became. THIS WAS FUN.
Suddenly I was startled by a familiar voice to my left.
Where did I know that voice? A former therapist?
“Heyyyyy there picture guy!”
It looked and sounded like that therapist bitch I saw ten years ago but I couldn’t be for sure as too many years had passed. She still looked good that’s for sure. I just didn’t like her wearing a black t-shirt like mine with the words “Queen B”. And why was she holding what looked like kite string?
I had to raise my neck up slowly because I had been hiding from my chiropractor for literally months now. Dateline had once warned me on TV It’s always the chiropractor I wasn’t going to be like the other amateurs on Dateline. Heck no! I had heard rumors through the grapevine that Dateline wanted the story early on me and there was NO way I would risk my career only to have Dateline Bob portrayed as an amateur for leaving too many clues on the bottoms of my feet for the Chiropractor to find.
As I slowly raised my neck towards the sky I couldn’t help but notice “Queen B” was gloating more than you could possibly imagine. Something just didn’t smell right. Why couldn’t she wait for me to look up in the sky?
I crooked my neck up more and more and used my birdy paws to block the sun. Oh my gosh I couldn’t believe what I was looking at.
Is that a CRABMAN kite?
Just the site of a crab caused fear to course through my veins. I slowly took steps back feeling very much threatened by the crab in the sky. Queen B continued to gloat as I surmised my exit plan trying to remember where I parked my jet ski.
Suddenly there was a strange pincher sounding like the clicking of pincher claws coming from behind me and approaching me fast. I recognized Eddie’s voice.
“Is that you Dirty Bird! You sick mother fucka!”
I ran. I ran quickly!
The clicking sound from those intimidating crab Pinchers grew louder and I knew at this point I needed to pump my arms at full speed if I wanted to get away.
“Where’s the Scribble Kid Dirty Bird! Where they put my nephew?!”
I had no choice but to drop the camera if I wanted to get away. This was some freaky shit. This was all a nightmare! Eddie looked EXACTLY as he did in the comic books!
Who funded all this? Who paid for Eddie’s Superhero costume?
But even MORE importantly.
Was I about to find out what all the Crab Man can do?
My luck ran out and suddenly I was experiencing the worst pain in my entire life as Eddie had my left leg caught in his pincher claws! We were now rolling in the sand while I tried to free myself.
The Crabman let out a groan for good measure. “Ahhhh…mine now Dirty Bird!”
I thought I was going to die. That pincher claw had more torque than a winch on a tow truck. I was going to die by getting crushed to death by giant crab pinching claws!
Think Dirty Bird think I told myself. I was known for contingency plans. It was too soon for a villain like me to die this early anyways. I knew it was time to pull the pin on my Old Bay grenade!
While Eddie enjoyed my leg crushing in his pincher I managed to reach into my Dirty Bird fanny pack for an old Bay grenade. I closed my eyes tightly as I pulled the pin.
3-2-1 pow! Old Bay EVERYWHERE!
The Crabman yelled as he had no choice but to let go of my leg and nurture the damage to his crab skin that my old Bay grenade had caused. I made a break for it and ran faster to my jet ski that was docked in the distance.
Whew! That was a close one! I thought to myself.
My Pterodactyl jet ski fired right up and I wasted no time with making my get away official. I hopped a few waves or two before I decided to finally crook my head around to be sure I was not being followed. Damn.
Why had I chosen to elude my chiropractor for so many months?
Before I could even turn around a crab torpedo whizzed by me at lightning speed!
Was I being shot at? Did somebody want to challenge my Pterodactyl to a Maverick style dog fight?
A huge wave was coming to my rescue before the next crab torpedo could be launched at me. I still had soooo many questions. Questions like Where did Eddie get the money to buy a Crab Ski like that? What kind of James Bond shit was that thing equipped with?
I hopped the big wave and used my airborne opportunity to flip my Pterodactyl towards the crab ski. I had a little sumthn sumthn for the Crab Man! Something a little stronger than old Bay! I was going to fire some real heat sinking misiles and sink that Crab Ski!
I fired the first shot but Eddie saw it coming and used the other wave to hop over it. I fired once more and wallah! My missile nipped the back of his jet ski and created a huge fireball creating smoke and flames galore!
Eddie was still alive and used his emergency float vest while his Crab Ski now in flames slowly began to sink. I had no intention of killing him this early but I have to admit it was cool looking watching how buoyant his Pinchers suddenly became because that was now the ONLY thing keeping him afloat. And boy did he look miserable flopping those pinchers waiting to be rescued.
I cut the engine to the Pterodactyl so he could hear my parting words.
“Where’s my nephew?” He shouted so helplessly.
I grilled him. “Why did you intercept that important document meant for the original Spyder Woman?”
“What document? What Spider Woman? You’re a nut ass dude! Take your medication Dirty Bird!”
I didn’t like his insults. Especially since he was so helplessly just flopping his head above water. I tried to quickly inspect those massive pinchers but not sure what happened to my Google glasses. I decided a gloat for gloat would make a nice poetic Justice. I stood up on my ski and flapped my arms just like a bird to taunt the Crab Man before leaving him to the sharks.
“Awwkkk! Awwkkk! Awwkkk!”
I flapped my arms as I crowed like a very dirty, dirty, little bird.