The Crab Man Chapter 14
The Crab floats worked great to keep Eddie from drowning. The isolation in the waters gave him plenty of time to slow down and think.
How far was Bob going to go with this? How was he going to capture Dirty Bird alive without killing him?
As Eddie patiently awaited for help to materialize out of thin air, a seagull came out of nowhere and landed on his left pincher claw. As if to taunt the bird suddenly began to peck away at the pincher.
“No stop that!” Said Eddie shoeing the bird away. The sea gull flew away back towards land and suddenly he could hear a sound of a jet ski getting louder and louder.
Was Dirty Bird coming back to finish him off? Is this how it would end? Should he start pretending to know what happened to the document meant for Spyder Woman just to stay alive?
The Crab Man embraced to hide under water to elude Dirty Bird when he noticed something about the jet ski coming towards him. The leopard bikini and fiery red hair ascertained that it surely wasn’t Dirty Bird returning to finish him off.
So then who was it? Were there other villains after him?
Ripples of waves rushed towards him as the engine cut off so the chicky momma on the jet ski could introduce herself. Eddie couldn’t help but notice the Leopard themed decals on the jet ski matched her bikini. There was a fancy font lettering on the side of the jet ski that read “Tigra”.
The redhead lady smiled demurely at Eddie before she spoke. “You look like you’ve encountered a very dirty dirty Bird!”
Eddie glowered. “Gonna kill that nut ass dude!”
Tigra shook her head. “I think we both know it might be in your best interest that you don’t.”
Eddie was confused.
Who was this woman? How did she know what’s going on? He couldn’t help himself but ask.
“That’s a nice Leopard theme you got going on Tigra. Who are you? How do you know what’s going on?”
Tigra reached out her arm to help him get out of the waters and onto the back of the jet ski. Eddie couldn’t help but notice how pale her skin was.
But wasn’t that how all red heads were?
The redhead chuckled. “Well Mr. Crab Man if you studied your comic books then you would know I’m a private detective. I’m Tigra. Spyder Woman’s friend.”
“Spyder Woman’s friend? How’s this nut ass dude supposed to expect everyone to keep up with their comic books to possibly know what’s going on?”
Tigra didn’t answer. Instead she took notice of the bad shape Eddie was in from his encumbrance with a very dirty Bird. “Oh my look at you! Did he really do all that to you?”
Eddie solemnly shook his head. Tigra fired up the jet ski. “We have no time to waste then. Fold up them pinchers from the water and let’s get going.”
“Where are you taking me?”
Tigra pulled on the throttle causing the ocean waters to spit into the air. “You’re all busted up. Let’s first get you to the chiropractor. We can chat along the way.”
Eddie pulled up his Pinchers from the water and gently placed them around Tigra to hold on.
“And don’t pinch me with those things I’ve already seen what those pinchers can do.”
“Vice grip” reminded Eddie.
They both looked up at the sky while a seagull flew over top of them with a crab in it’s mouth. Tigra updated him. “Study your food chain. Vice grip in that Bird’s mouth too.”
As they sped away towards land Eddie changed the subject. “So what’s this all about?”
“We got a call from Senior Spyder Woman. She’s very concerned about Bob.”
“Senior Spyder Woman?”
Tigra chuckled. “Yes Senior Spyder Woman. Evidently in Bob’s delusions she was meant to oversee and micro manage the other two Spyder Womans.”
“Oh great!” Said Eddie. “Now we gotta figure out three Spyder Womans?”
Tigra reminded him the cleverness of female super heroes. “Well there was in fact a Batman episode where he had a double to elude his nemesis. But Spyder Woman? Yeah I imagine she just might be clever enough to have a third wheel.”
Eddie had more questions. “So do you know who Senior Spyder Woman is?”
Tigra smiled while steering the jet ski and hopping the waves. “I do but Bob doesn’t know. It’s another part of the story that is driving him so crazy. He only knows what she looks like and that her husband is a lead detective. I work on the side for his agency.”
“So who is she?”
“That’s top secret. Even the current Spyder Woman isn’t supposed to know. I can give you this clue however. It’s Bob’s tax preparer.”
“So why doesn’t Dirty Bird know her name? Wouldn’t her name be on his tax forms?”
Tigra chuckled. “Nope. When Senior Spyder Woman realized just how mentally ill Bob was she secretly broke into his apartment and erased all evidence of herself. We believe once Bob locates the original Spyder Woman he will also try to figure out who dictates the other two. I’m sure it drives him crazy at night not knowing the name of Senior Spyder Woman and forcing his photographic mind to only remember a face.”
Eddie tried to say something but the jet stream commotion only got louder as Tigra deftly hopped the waves and tried to remember exactly the way she had came. The whooshing and splashing drowned out their conversation as they made their way back.
THE CHIROPRACTOR OFFICE
This was going to be Eddie’s very first much needed adjustment. Typically school teachers, stiff necked cubicle workers and underpaid trash collectors seeking notes for their employers did these kinds of things. But a self employed amateur comedian?
Probably wasn’t very likely to have a chiro membership.
Tigra escorted Eddie into cubicle number one so he could have a seat and detach his salty pincher claws. Once he removed his pincher claws Eddie began to take off his shirt just as a pretty eyed petite chiropractor walked in. She stopped dead in her tracks and cupped her hands over her mouth as she gaped with disbelief.
“Oh my gosh what are you doing Mr. Crab Man! I see now why Dirty Bird has gone through such great lengths to keep you away from me!”
Eddie defended himself as he slid his shirt back on. " I…I’m confused…your sidekick Tigra friend brought me here. Aren’t I supposed to just be in my boxers?"
Spyder Woman chuckled. “I’m guessing this is your first time seeing a chiropractor?”
Eddie nodded.
Spyder Woman updated him. “This is a chiropractor office not a message parlor. We don’t undress here.”
“I am so sorry! I just didn’t know.”
The Chiropractor chuckled. “Yeah neither did Bob at first. It’s no big deal. A lot of people get confused their first visit. Would you mind lying face down on the table?”
Eddie laid down onto the table and planted his face into the paper butt cheeks. It felt odd trying to talk to someone when you couldn’t see their facial reactions.
“So how long lil Bobby been coming here?”
Spyder Woman started by inspecting the bottoms of his feet and measuring his crab legs looking for shortness.
“It’s Bob. And just a little over two years I do believe.”
Eddie chuckled. “I can see why he comes here. It’s nice in here.”
“We keep it clean. But yeah. There were times Bob stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the other members.” Spyder Woman paused, “You know you look a lot like your nephew Simon.”
Immediately Eddie rolled around facing up forcing her to stop the adjustment.
“My nephew was here? You can lead me to my nephew?” He asked excitedly.
That’s when Tigra interrupted the adjustment and barged into the cubicle to update them both. She walked in holding a gift certificate with Simon’s name on it and a cherry note written on the back of it using a Sharpie saying “To the original Spyder Woman”
“Well…..sorta” said Tigra
“Sorta?” Where’s my nephew? Where’s Simon?"
“His foster parents just recently called here asking that very same question. He’s disappeared and nobody can find him. We’re just here to help you bring closure. Here, take this. This is what Dirty Bird has been after. This gives you leverage at least.”
Tigra handed him the gift certificate. “I’m so sorry Mr. Crab Man. The chiropractor and I are doing everything we can to help.”
Eddie realized he had no spare time for the chiropractor to finish the adjustment. Besides, Shawna would hear of it and question it all night long. He wasted no time suiting back up into his crab gear and soon found himself scampering towards the exit.
Tigra felt compelled to offer some last words. “We’re so sorry for all this Mr. Crab Man! You shouldn’t have been marking your territory in the Port-a-Potty!”
Eddie was much closer to piecing together the mystery than either of them.
“Those weren’t my scribbles in there those belong to my nephew the Scribble Kid”