The Crab Man Chapter 15
The cab driver couldn’t help but be curious about Eddie.
What kind of a fella leaves a chiropractor office dressed as a crab and then has the audacity to put those big crab pincher things covered in seaweed in the back of his trunk?
Jerry the cab driver wanted to say something as he drove Eddie home but just couldn’t figure out a way to break the ice on this long ride home from the chiropractor office. The eerie silence continued until he noticed Eddie making a call on his cellphone.
THE PHONE CONVERSATION
Pillow guy Mike answered on the first ring. EVERYBODY had caller ID these days and it felt comforting to Eddie knowing he was considered important.
“Yes Mr. Crab Man are you ok?”
Eddie didn’t bother lowering his voice. He knew there was just absolutely no way to prevent Cab driver Jerry from ear hustling.
“Yeah I’m aight. The chiropractor fixed me up. But, hey man, like I’m sorry, Dirty Bird sunk the Crab Ski”
Pillow guy Mike consoled him. “Hey Eddie, I told you. Money is no issue here. I’ve got more play money than you could possibly imagine and I don’t mind having my team build you a bigger better one.”
“Hey thanks Mike. I appreciate it.”
“Did you find your nephew yet?”
“No the chiropractor said nobody has seen the Scribble kid in a minute. Foster parents have no idea why he’s missing.”
“Are they good foster parents?”
“Chiropractor seems to think so. Said Simon appeared in a good mood and she couldn’t see any signs of abuse.”
“Chiropractor?”
“Yeah chiropractor. Dirty Bird’s Chiropractor. AKA Spyder Woman.”
Pillow guy Mike coughed and wheezed into the phone as if he was choking on something.
“You’re shitting me. Dirty Bob or bird or whatever has a chiropractor named Spyder Woman?”
Eddie chuckled. “No she’s only known as Spyder Woman to Bob. She got a sidekick secretary too named Tigra.”
Pillow guy Mike was becoming more and more engrossed in this conversation by the minute. “Hold on a minute. Lemme put you on speaker phone and Google this…….holy shit you’re right Eddie. Spider Woman does in fact have a friend named Tigra. Did Tigra have red hair just like in the comic books?”
“You betcha Mike. Tigra was the one that rescued me after Dirty Bird sunk my boat. She immediately brought me to the chiropractor to fix me up and she also gave me the document that Dirty Bird had been
after this entire time.”
“So what kind of document was it? What document was so important for Spider Woman that Bob was willing to kill for?”
Eddie corrected him. “Original Spider Woman. Bob believed the chiropractor was the current Spyder Woman and he wanted the chiropractor to meet Valerie the Librarian. The document was nothing more than a gift certificate to the chiropractor office.”
Pillow guy Mike was bewildered. He felt special getting the first hand news before the press would come along and twist the facts. He of course also had to consider he had thousands and thousands invested with helping Eddie.
“So why didn’t you just give it to him earlier so you could have your nephew back?”
Eddie tried to explain. “I never knew what was going on because I NEVER had it in the first place.
Evidently Simon intercepted it at some top secret beach location near big rocks and eventually used it. While he was at the beach evidently he was doodling intimidating cartoon drawings of me in the Port-a- Potty.”
“Doodles of the Crabman?”
“Yes. Evidently Dirty Bird made a mistake of who the original Spider Woman was. When he went back to get it Simon had found it already in a plastic bottle along with $20 for the stranger to deliver it to the original Spyder Woman.”
“So your nephew pocketed the $20 and then I’m assuming used the gift certificate as well?”
“Yes.”
Pillow guy Mike was still in disbelief. “Oh my gosh this story gets weirder by the minute. So where do you think your nephew is?”
" I dunno but I’m not liking this note that Tigra found while vacuuming."
“Huh? What note?”
“Some how Bob knew I’d eventually come looking for him and left a small note addressed to The Crab Man for the cleaning lady to find. Tigra handed the unopened envelope to me and said it’s been sitting in the lost and found for quite a while.”
“Wow interesting. It’s nice that they respected your privacy and didn’t open it.”
Eddie fondled the little golden envelope that he still hasn’t opened yet. It had been a rough day and he just wasn’t sure if he could embrace for any more unexpected twists and turns. On the other hand Pillow guy Mike had gone overboard with helping him. Eddie knew Pillow guy Mike had every right to be curious as a strong friendship was already forming between the two. Eddie never had a father figure growing up and it was so inspiring watching the close bond that Mike had with his son.
“So should I open it?”
“Sure go for it. What could it hurt?”
Eddie opened it and plucked out the hand written letter then unfurled it so he could read it out loud over the phone.
“King Crab?” Asked Pillow guy Mike, “Who’s King Crab?”
Eddie felt his heart sink. “I dunno. There’s a bad ass pimp on the north part of the city goes by the nickname King Crab. My gosh Mike, let’s hope it’s not him!”
The taxi cab slowed down and came to a stop. Eddie watched as Jerry rolled his window down to the yellow flagger man accosting him. Nothing sucked more for a cab driver than being paid up front only to discover later construction in your route.
Eddie was sort of curious as he stared at the flagger man approaching them wearing aviator sunglasses that were mirrored along with an N-95 mask. “Why is this flagger dude wearing a mask outside?”
Jerry shrugged it off. “Its common. They all do.”
I let my radio chirp a few times to make all of this seem real. I needed an update on my prey. I needed to let the Crab Man know just how close I can get to him. I even had my name printed right on top of my hard hat for good measure. “Bob”
“Good evening where you guys headed?”
Jerry seemed confused. “I don’t see any construction. Why are you holding us up?”
I bull shitted my way through it. “They’re cutting trees just around the corner there but you can’t see it. They’re finishing up should just be two or three minutes if you wanted to wait. Say….why is your rider back there dressed like a crab?”
Jerry put a good word in for the Crab Man. He even pointed towards Eddie as he spoke. “Oh you don’t know this famous super hero?”
I shook my head no. “No. Can’t say I’ve ever heard of him?”
Jerry was super excited to update me. “If you see this guy’s super big pinchers look out! This here is the Crab Man. The Crab Man here to defend the bitches.”
I feigned a new interest as I hid behind my face mask and mirror sunglasses. I was sure to disguise my voice so Eddie wouldn’t piece this together.
“Defend the bitches from who?”
Jerry continued excited to brief me. “Hey man there’s a very dirty dirty Bird roaming around. My man here the Crab Man gonna put that bird in his Pinchers and squeeze the truth out of him.”
“The truth about what?” I asked.
Eddie was starting to feel uncomfortable with Jerry laying out too many details to a stranger as to what was going on. He leaned forward towards the cab driver and I so he could dictate.
“Hey Jerry we good man. Let’s not announce to the world my super powers. Ayy..flagger dude Bob what’s good with the traffic when we rolling?”
I took a few steps backwards to prevent Eddie from recognizing me and hit the chirp button a few times on the radio pretending to talk into it. I then cautiously came back to their car.
“Hey they’re done it’s all clear now. Have a good day Mr. Crab Man.”
Or not! I silently thought to myself.
Ten minutes later the duo finally made it to Eddie’s apartment and Eddie couldn’t wait to get the crab gear unloaded so he could pry some TLC from Shawna. He was in fact a super hero now so he was expecting some extra special rubs.
Jerry stopped the taxi and got out to help Eddie unload his mighty big pinchers from the trunk. The crab gear was loaded onto the ground and just as Jerry was about to shut the trunk he noticed a small crab pin magnet fixated to the trunk. He plucked it off and then held it out to Eddie.
“Hey Mr. Crab Man. This was on top of the trunk I’m guessing it’s yours?”
Eddie felt his heart sink to the bottom as Jerry handed over the crab pin.
Of course! The flagger man! Dirty Bird was right under his nose all along!
The crab pin went in Eddie’s left pocket and Jerry could sense something just wasn’t right.
“It’s not part of your gear is it?”
Eddie solemnly shook his head no while hanging it low like a beaten dog.
Jerry was quick to put the pieces together. “I never saw any construction did you?”
Again Eddie shook his head no.
Jerry offered him a warm hand on his shoulder. “Man this creepy Dirty Bird guy REALLY playing you. He in your head for good now.”
Eddie regained his composure. “He might be inside my head for now but THAT’S NOTHING compared to what I’m gonna do to that Lil bird head of his.”
Jerry just chuckled. “I guess they do gotz little heads. That’s why they came up with that saying BIRD BRAIN”