The Crab Man Chapter 17
I Didn’t like any of these girls even though most of them were cute. I knew deep down that eventually at some point in my life they would have control over my sandwich and purposely mess it up. I was convinced that this entire field hockey team wreaked of RBF and I was going to fix it. Right here and today I might add. Business cameras put limitations on just how bad they could mess up my sandwich but these sneaky girls always seemed to find loopholes around it. Loopholes like I dunno….finding ways to ruin my sandwich that can’t be proven even under the watchful eye of surveillance? Yup. I’ll NEVER forget the time an RBF infested girl purposely refrained from pushing hard enough on the cutter so that my chicken quesadilla was all messed up. And I do mean ALL MESSED UP!
I carefully screwed on the big canister of tear gas I picked up from the military surplus store and screwed it onto my drone. I knew that each and every one of these field hockey players were guilty in some way.
What kind of a lady runs around with a stick? Smsh! How unlady like!
Just watching this field hockey game from a distance was giving me dire flashbacks from my childhood. I needed to end this eyesore of an entertainment. I needed to end this game now!
I hid carefully in the bushes while I let my drone fully equipped with tear gas fly nice and high. I wanted this radio controlled air craft as high as it goes so it doesn’t attract too much attention until I’m sure it’s hovering directly over the field hockey players. I notice the fat girl sitting on the bleachers watching the game.
Not the enemy I remind myself.
Get the ones most likey fantasizing about one day tinkering with your sandwich, or worse, your weekly paycheck
The drone made a soft humming sound as I eased it towards the clouds and in the direction of the field hockey game. I couldn’t help but hear the thrum of the Vicarious song from Tool in my head…
Because I need to watch things die from a distance yeah I need to watch things die!
Cracking sounds from field hockey sticks did a great job of drowning out the humming sound from my drone. Every war hero with any time in the military knew that the greatest strategy in war was ALWAYS TAKE YOUR ENEMY BY SURPRISE. I was nothing like the other dumb virgin teenage terrorists wannabees that Facebooked their threats giving the enemy time to prepare. I consider myself a professional. Yeah, I admit I have a fear of crabs but Eddie in reality is nothing more than a comedian. No military experience. No special black belt martial arts. But boy are those big pinchers of his mighty intimidating!!!
I have an LCD screen on my controller so I can literally see EVERYTHING. I know I have to be quick with my attack before they wise up and figure out how to chuck their hockey sticks at my drone. I’m not worried. I know they won’t be quick enough or accurate enough to take out my drone with a hockey stick.
My altitude is definitely high enough to not cause too much distraction. I realize that I am now hovering directly over the field hockey players. I think I’ll go after the one with the pink Nike headband first. She definitely looks like she would adore the opportunity to ruffle my feathers if she had the chance.
Oh yeah this one definitely liked to control the thermostat
I drastically reduced the motor power on the drone so it could quickly descend towards the girls that swung their long hair around just like a horses tail. I hate women with long hair. It just looks soooo uncomfortable in the summer and I don’t understand the need for it.
As the drone got close to the girls I hit the red button on the remote that activated the tear gas and aimed at Nike headband girl first. She screamed.
And oh she screamed loud!
Jessica moaned loudly while getting sprayed and quickly found herself using her long hair to shield her face as she curled up into a ball. The other girls started to run from the drone as I aimed tear gas towards each and every one of them. I was in my joy. I was in my glory. I-AM-DIRTY BIRD!
Out of completely nowhere a lepeord colored boomerang flew towards my drone and knocked it out of the sky immediately as it fell to the ground. The humming sound died immediately as the boomerang blade remained caught in my propellers. I could see everything up close because of the LCD screen on my remote. I was in complete shock. Who rained on my parade?
I looked at my LCD screen one more time and had a close up view of the leopard colored boomerang.
Where did I recognize that color?
I looked at my LCD screen once more and noticed a name written on the boomerang.
Tigra
I was lost and confused by how Tigra was able to curtail my attack.
Why had I not thought to scour the crowd first for a first responder like Tigra? The comic books had warned me of her agility and speed concerning her super powers and evidently I was too more concerned with not underestimating Spyder Woman. Had I forgotten about Tigra?
Out of frustration I pounded the remote with my fist and just as I was ready to toss it in the bushes I felt a sharp pain in my left ankle. I was vice gripped in a giant pincher claw!
I tried to run but fell flat on my face. I’ve never felt pain this excruciating in all my life.
How much torque did the Crab Pincher have? Did he use it in his spare time to perfectly crush beer cans?
I squirmed and I kicked but Eddie just groaned to intimidate me as he basked in the moment watching me try to free myself.
“Ahhhhh-rr!” He groaned as he pinched.
I knew I had only a few seconds before I would lose 100% of blood flow circulation in my leg. I punched my fists into his crab suit but it didn’t seem to phase him.
“Where’s my nephew Dirty Bird! Where’s the Scribble kid?” He pinched even harder.
He had me pinned in a way that I couldn’t reach into my dirty Bird fanny pack for an old Bay grenade. I was running out of ideas. But I managed to shout at him as I continued squirming.
“That document was meant for the original Spyder Woman!”
He pinched even harder while pinning me to the ground. “I never took it my-”
Out of nowhere a big huge 20 pound crab mullet whacked Eddie over the back of the head and he went down. We both did actually but since Eddie got hit he was completely blacked out.
“I’m tired of cleaning up after you Dirty Bird! Leave the bitches alone you work for me so stop this side hustling!” Shouted King Crab amidst his goon squad.
I dutifully obeyed and let his goon squad drag me by the arm to the unmarked white cargo van with no windows. Eddie was still unconscious so the goon squad used three guys to quickly hoist him up and take him with us to the van before the police would get a chance to show up.
Just before I was fully pushed into the van I saw Tigra running after us from a distance.
That woman is crazy! I thought to myself,
Does she really think she can slow down King Crab and his entire goon squad?
The doors slammed shut and the van fired up. I
could tell by how far away out she was from us that she had no chance of a hot pursuit with us. The goon squad blind folded both Eddie and I as we sped away. I knew exactly where we were headed and why. I had pissed off King Crab with my side hustling and soon would have to explain. I didn’t understand completely why King Crab ordered his men to blind fold me but I did have a hunch. He insisted on being professional with all his endeavors and it was safe to assume he hired more people that he may not want me to later identify in the event I got caught and potentially risk taking down the entire ship with me.
I finally felt compelled to say something. “Hey King Crab where are we going?”
King Crab wasn’t driving but sat in the passenger seat. "I’m taking him to the crab cave before he gets the chance to wake up. You got this comic book Spyder shit going off the hook and I still need my money. We’re going to sort this out.