Mmm..The Crab Man Chapter 19
There were no chains or handcuffs. In fact Simon came around from the corner looking like a million bucks. The hookers had braided his dreadlocks making him look nice and spruce and Eddie even recognized the home made corn cob berets he had made for Simon years ago. Simon opened his arms nice and wide running towards his uncle so they could embrace.
“Uncle Eddie Uncle Eddie you da Crab Man!”
Eddie hugged him back. “Hey Scribble kid what’s good?”
The gun men stepped aside so the two could unite but made sure to keep their machine guns pointed at them just in case. Just as I had finished painting Molly’s nails I could hear from around the corner the Scribble kid talking with his Uncle. I immediately put down the nail polish and went to go see what was going on.
“Wait a minute! Wait a minute! He can’t have the Scribble kid I don’t have my document that’s meant for the original Spyder Woman!”
The look on King Crab was priceless as I could tell he liked stories with game changers. He was already in a good mood because Pillow Guy Mike had paid him so quickly with the wire transfer.
Eddie reached into his back pocket and pulled out the gift certificate from the Chiropractor’s office and unfurled it. I immediately recognized my writing on the back of it.
“Oh you must mean this document. A gift certificate from the chiros office meant for the original Spyder Woman.”
I got defensive and pointed my finger at Eddie. “Yeah and you stole it asshole. Grave mistake!”
The Crab Man smiled and handed it over to me. “Did I?”
I gaped in disbelief as I saw the name “Simon” written on the front. It was definitely the Chiropractor’s hand writing as I had purposely left the recipient info blank. I was very confounded.
So Simon had stolen it all along?
Simon saw how confused I was so he piped up. “I stole the gift certificate meant for Spyder Woman it was me. Found it tucked inside of an orange juice bottle along with twenty bucks.”
King Crab couldn’t take the humor any longer. He put down his cigar and literally burst out laughing. “Awww-hah-hah! Dirty Bird I told you! Leave that comic book shit alone you a nut ass dude!”
“And a killer” added Eddie, “Your bird man here dumped three dead bitches at my crib.”
King Crab looked over at me. “Dirty Bird is this true?”
I nodded my head yes. Surprisingly King Crab defended me. “Yeah, uh…what Dirty Bird does on his own time ain’t my business.”
Eddie pushed. “He’s a killer and needs to be locked up.”
I glowered at Eddie my evil stare advising him to shut up. King Crab defended me even more. “Yeah, uh…you have to excuse Dirty Bird you see. He was burnt out when I picked him up off the streets. Need a dude like him. A dude that can keep his mouth shut. Dirty Bird a ghost that gets the job done. As long as he ain’t killing one of my bitches the shit between you and him don’t really concern me.”
Eddie still had questions. “So I don’t get it. How does the Chiropractor fit into all this Spyder Woman shit? She was a nice cute lady what she got to do with this?”
I stepped toward Eddie to get in his face but King Crab pushed me back. “Stay away from Spyder Woman Mr. Crab Man!” I demanded.
King Crab just chuckled. “Dirty Bird got her penciled in for the Long haul.”
“Why? Chiropractors are a dime a dozen.”
King Crab answered for me. “Because she has something he wants.”
“So what is it?”
“Freedom. They always X-ray new members. When Spyder Woman X-rayed Dirty Bird she immediately knew something was wrong and called the FBI. They told her to cut that portion of the X-ray out and keep her yappers shut about her discovery.”
“So what’s that got to do with freedom?”
King Crab chuckled. “Dirty Bird is like a big squeaky toy to the chiropractor. She loves the power she has over him. When she brought out his X-ray she couldn’t help but notice despite his neck pains he went straight to looking at his skull for that GPS chip the Feds planted in his brain.”
“His brain?”
“Yeah his brain. Eh Dirty Bird take off that hat for a minute. Show him why you wear this huge heavy ass hat that covers most of your head.”
I did as I was told and removed the Steampunk hat from my head for Eddie to inspect it. I had no intention whatsoever of letting the Crab Man touch my hat but I did surrender the hat to King Crab who allowed Eddie to examine it.
Eddie looked inside of the hat and noticed all the mesh copper wiring. “Oh my! What’s with all this copper wiring shit?”
King Crab took the hat back, gave it to me, and I quickly put the hat back on my head. I let King Crab continue to do the talking for me as I really had nothing nice to say to the Crab Man.
“Once that hat is on his head a good 15 minutes, Dirty Bird has the freedom he’s looking for. Blocks up the GPS chip planted in his brain.”
“So that’s why he tries so hard to be in good with the chiropractor?”
“Yup. She has the other part of that X-ray and refuses to let him have it because then he will know precisely where it’s located and figure out a way to cut it out of his skull.”
“And the neck pain?” Asked Eddie.
“Dirty Bird is a misanthrope.”
“What the fuck is that?”
“It’s the hatred of human beings. All human beings. You seen those angel eyes of hers yourself. He doesn’t classify angels as human beings that’s why he cool with her. In his schizophrenic delusional mind he really does believe she’s an angel. Bob would never let another chiro aside from her anywhere near his neck.”
King Crab’s cellphone suddenly rang and I was glad for the interruption. I didn’t need Eddie Spaghetti learning things about me as that would only give him more opportunity to figure out how to destroy me. The room got suddenly quiet as we could all tell that the phone conversation King Crab was having wasn’t going well.
"Ah-huh? Is that right? A lepeord colored boomerang with a tracking device stuck to the spare tire wheel well. Thanks for letting me know frank "
Uh-oh I thought to myself,
This is not going to be good.
King Crab hung up the phone and glowered at us while crossing his arms.
“Anybody know anybody by the name of Tigra?”
Eddie knew but he shut the hell up. King Crab looked over at me. I shrugged my shoulders. “I dunno, you mean like the comic book character Tigra?”
“Shit!” Said King Crab pulling up his Google app on his phone. “Eh Dirty Bird your delusions becoming a reality or sumthn? Says right here Tigra is friends
with Spyder Woman. Are we in some kind of serious shit here? Frank says he found a leopard boomerang stuck to our getaway van.”
I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want King Crab to know my drone attack failed thanks to Tigra. We all shut up as King Crab brushed up on some impromptu Google reading of Tigra and her super powers. King Crab scrunched up his eyebrows.
“Shit! Says right here about the battle of the blue fist. Damn! And here it says she fights sex traffickers and drug dealers like me!”
King Crab immediately snapped his fingers to beckon his goon squad. “We all have to leave here immediately! Get the Crab Man and the Scribble kid blind folded immediately. We gots to roll Tigra is coming looking for us!”
The goon squad handcuffed and blind folded both the Crab Man and the Scribble kid. King Crab threw the keys to the van at me really hard to get my attention.
“Dirty Bird you got us into this mess. You’re driving!”
I took the keys and placed them into my left pocket. It was now my time to shine. It’s time to dispose of this Scribble kid and Mr. Crab Man.