does the housework! What a paranoiac coincidence! Without
hesitation, I seized the opportunity and asked her to fish
information about George Franzis. “Why, didn't you finish your
affairs when you were in gymnasium?” she wondered and
laughed exuberantly, while I was in seventh heaven.
Monday, 25th September 1989
“George is studying business management in America. He is
engaged to a Greek woman and he will marry her soon. He will
never return to Greece again.”
That was the news Theoni brought me this evening.
So, this is the end. I can see now that all this chase of an old-lost
love was nothing but a wild goose chase. Yet, I wonder: Why
was I possessed by such paranoia, twelve years after losing
George? Maybe because deep inside I know that during my
whole life there will be no other love for me. I know that my life
will go on in absolute loneliness, following its own weird path...
Friday, 29th September 1989
It was a very important day for me today: With an air of
determination, I took a deep breath and announced Lucas my
intention of leaving his company at the end of next month “for
personal reasons”, which I strongly refused to reveal no matter
how much the boss whined.
… During the whole month of October, numerous girls will
appear at the office, applying for my position. Needless to say, it
will prove to be impossible for Lucas to find a secretary who is
as cheap as I am, or efficient enough to do well in his special test
in foreign languages.
“Such difficult tests are not given anywhere, not even in the
Ministry of Foreign Affairs!” said a candidate who had studied
Literature in Italy.
Finally, Zafirakis will hire a sedate girl who has studied
Psychology in Italy and demands nothing more than the basic
salary...
Saturday, 2nd December 1989
It's been a month now since I opened my own office of typings
and translations, after I had found a cheap place to rent near
Omonia Square. For the time being I don't have many clients but
my fixed costs are very low, so I am not particularly worried.
Anyway, I like this job a lot better than working in a company. In
fact, I think that being an employee has never been my cup of
tea...
As about my friendship with Louise, I can see it is not unclouded
any more: Little by little she is alienating herself from me; we
hardly go out together, or even meet anymore. This is probably
due to the fact that she prefers to see Nondas, her boyfriend,
more frequently. We occasionally go out together, the three of us;
I don't really like this, it seems to me that I play gooseberry.
Nevertheless, every now and then she promises to introduce me
to this or that handsome friend of hers, which actually never
happens. Besides, whenever I confide in her that I like someone
from her party, she says that he is a dead loss and takes care that
we never get in touch with that person again.
About a month ago I told Louise that I like Takis: He is a tall,
slender guy with blond hair and blue eyes, a serious and sensible
person who happens to be a friend of her fat, disagreeable
brother. We haven't met Takis or the others ever since. In fact, I
haven't seen the guy more than three times in all. On the other
hand, Louise insists on my going steady with Harry, a plump
silly boy who is the laughing stock of the whole party. “The
more I look at you both, I more I see you are a matching
couple!” she told me, in an equivocal manner, the other day.
This evening I called her once again and asked her to arrange an
outing with the other guys as well, but she refused at once:
“Unfortunately I can't, I have no time for that. Besides, I don't
see the others anymore, and they have been complaining: ' You
neglect us because you have other friends now'', they say to me!”
she excused herself, meaning she prefers me to them. Yet, I
know that nothing could be further from the truth...
Monday, 18th December 1989
After a lot of wavering, I decided to take the initiative and
communicate with Halaris by phone, since I haven't had any
news from him for months now – that is ever since I gave the
corrected rolls back.
I arranged to meet the publisher this afternoon, at a certain
address he gave me. When I got there, I was surprised to see that
their new head offices are in a luxurious eight-storeyed edifice
not far from Syntagma Square. This must be a really thriving
business! Yet, their books are not so renowned, I wondered at
first but dismissed all negatives thoughts immediately, reckoning
that the rapid development of Halaris Publishing could mean
something positive for me as well. Besides, the change of
address could also justify the delay in the publishing of my book.
Finally, we signed an extension of time until the end of 1990.
In the long run, Halaris will never come in contact with me again
and “The Conspiracy of Shadows” will never be published. It
will take me many years to realize that the whole thing was part
of the publisher's scheme to show a great number of books under
publishing, so as to get a subsidy from the European Union.
Nevertheless, two years later Halaris Publishing will go bankrupt
and close for good...
Tuesday, 16th January 1990
Business has been looking up lately. Week after week I earn
more and more money, which makes me feel satisfied. My most
important client is the famous publishing house “Pangaea”,
which publishes books of science and literature. They have given
me a bulky “Lexicon of Scientific Terms” to type, which is a
quite interesting book.
Taking into account that my income has increased, I have also
decided to take out a life-assurance policy, although I have social
security insurance too. This morning I contacted an agent of
“EasyLife” and signed an insurance policy which offers extra
medicare plus a retirement program. The latter will last 25 years
and it will provide me with a good pension. Till then, I will have
to pay 8000 drachmas per month as premium.
My little sister hastened to take out a similar policy as well, at
my parents' expense of course, since they always indulge all her
fancies. I have the impression that Alice is always seeking to
copy me in every possible way, aspiring to be ahead of me some
day...
Last night I decided to go to the usual place in Glyfada and meet
my supposed friends, although Louise didn't come along. I was
given a cool welcome and they hardly spoke to me. Takis was
absent. We finally went to a nice seaside tavern in Vouliagmeni,
ten persons in all, and we sat at a big table.
Michael, Louise's brother, was there too, and he happened to be
sitting on my left. All at once he laughed ironically and moved
his chair away from mine and from the table, in a most
ostentatious manner, making all those sitting on his left do
likewise. In this way, the “gentleman” declared his abhorrence in
me -non verbally yet clearly. As a result, all those hours we
stayed in that taverna, there was a huge empty space on my left
at the table, which looked very, very odd...
Wednesday, 21st February 1990
Time seems to be passing faster and faster, yet my life is always
characterized by deathly immobility. That's why three months
ago I decided to go to a match-making office in Athens. I have
already met some would-be grooms, all of them ugly and
disagreeable: One of them was 38 years old, divorced, fat and
wayward; he wanted to split fifteen minutes after we had met in
a cafeteria. He hardly waited for five more minutes, for me to eat
up my ice cream. Another one had a squint and he was wearing
huge glasses on his pock-marked face; moreover, he lisped
badly. Two others, boring factory workers with no hair on their
heads, made a wry face as soon as they saw me and wanted to
split at once. Another one had only two fingers in his right hand
and his mouse-like face didn't attract me at all; when we parted,
he took care to shake my hand with his crippled one. Another
one was comparatively good-looking, yet he put me off with his
arrogance and his tendency to boast off continuously.
The short, hairless kiosk owner with the shrieking voice, whom I
saw yesterday, was in a hurry to disappear fifteen minutes after
we had met, because he had work to do, as he said. This
afternoon, when I phoned the match-making office, I was
informed that the bloke had complained about my clothes. The
match maker advised me politely to avoid dresses and prefer
“something more fashionable” (that is something more tarty)
when I meet the princes. On the other hand, “I hope you aren't
interested in the man's appearance,” she says again and again.
I think I had better quit these silly meetings. I am certainly not in
the mood for losing my time with all kinds of screwy persons.
Anyway, I suspect that marriage with an ugly, problem guy is not
at all what I really want from my life...
Monday, 26th February 1990
Right from the first months of his life, little Josef has proved to
be a very wayward baby, all nerves and whining. He was only
five months old when he uttered he first word: It was neither
“mum”, nor “dad”; it was “bad”: His father was rocking him
playfully in his lap, asking him “What kind of boy are you?”,
when the baby started giggling “bad-bad-bad!”. When he doesn't
want to eat, he looks away and grits his few teeth in
exasperation. If he doesn't like something, that is often, he
clenches his fists and shakes all over. When he sees anybody, he
extends one or both his hands threateningly and shouts: “Da-da!
Da-da!”. He is also extremely naughty: This morning he
managed to climb up the net walls of his playpen and jump out
of it!
From now on we must be always on the alert and never lose
sight of Josef, lest he should climb on the television, or break a
window pane, or upset the sitting-room table, or destroy the
rolling shutters with his tiny hands – and all these events are
meant to happen during the months to follow...
Tuesday, 27th February 1990
On the contrary, Yanni is growing into a very sweet child. Since
his mother works, this is his second year in the kindergarten.
“Tell us Yanni, are there any beautiful girls in your class?” aunt
Penelope asked him this afternoon.
“No, there aren't. I don't like girls!” he answered solemnly.
“You don't like girls?” I wondered.
“No! I like women!”
“He will get into trouble very soon!” aunt Penelope concluded,
with her usual enigmatic smile.
Wednesday, 28th February 1990
In the meantime, my friendship with Louise has been going
downhill. He haven't met for over a month now. I have called her
many times but it is always Michael who answers the phone,
telling me that his sister is absent. I don't even see her in the bus
anymore; she probably takes another one, so as not to meet me.
This morning I happened to see her at the bus station, after a
long time. However, she avoided to sit next to me; she made
herself comfortable in another seat, opposite me. As soon as we
reached the bus terminus in Athens, she stood up hastily, she said
goodbye coldly and got away at once, as if we were strangers.
I suppose this is the end of our friendship and the only thing I
can do about it, is wonder: If such a close friendship, with
someone I've known since we were six, didn't work out, then
what can I expect from other relationships in the future? In
general, what can I expect from the future?
What future?
All I can see before me is darkness,
circles that close one after the other,
days that tumble down one upon the other,
as in vain I'm trying to ignore that
the days of hope belong to the past...
Phase Five: Metaphysical Quest
Spring 1990
Years pass by very fast; I am almost 27 now and I have hardly
realized I am that old. At this age, I should have already sorted
out where my life is leading; however, there is no progress in any
field, and there never will be -I know. Let's face it, there is
nothing here for me. Therefore, I think it is high time I did what I
have been postponing for years: Take the path towards the
inside...
From the beginning of March I have started to attend
parapsychology lessons in a school of spiritual development
called “Janus” . Although it is in Kypseli, very far away from
Glyfada, I am eager to go there once a week, defying the
exhaustion from the double bus journey to and from Athens:
Since I still work in my office near Omonia Square in the
mornings, every Wednesday -when I go to Janus- I spend six or
seven hours of commuting in all. However, I don't mind because
I feel there are new spiritual horizons opening for me there. The
fact is that metaphysics really excites me, and it is the first time
in my life I am excited about something.
The lessons include teachings of the guru Alexander Romanos
regarding the evolution of the soul, the domination of the
subconscious in a man's life, methods of relaxation and
meditation, the awakening of telepathy and so on. The guru is
gifted with a lot of eloquence, he knows well the art of
persuasion, he is said to possess psychic powers, and he doesn't
hesitate to go against the dominant dogmas of metaphysics. For
instance, he doesn't believe in the theory of karma – in contrast
to all the other schools of spiritual development.
We have already learned a basic technique of relaxation, which
can be applied either sitting on a chair or lying in bed, as long as
the spinal cord is kept straight: In the beginning, we relax our
body from toe to top, giving the respective mental orders to each
body part separately. For instance: “My feet relax” … “My
calves relax” … “My thighs relax” … and so on, to the head.
Then, always mentally, we countdown from 10 to 1, ordering
ourselves to relax after each number -for example: “10: I relax, I
relax” … “9: I relax deeper” … “8: Deeper and deeper” … “7:
No external noise interrupts my relaxation” and so on, till you
reach 1. When we reach zero, we enter the “void space”, where
we let no thought or feeling come inside us. We stay there, in
absolute tranquility, for as much time as we can.
Alternatively, after staying in “void space” for a while, we
choose a subject and meditate on it as thoroughly as possible,
taking into account events, thoughts, feelings, ways of action;
after the awakening, we write everything in a notebook.
The awakening is done by counting slowly from 1 to 5, while
ordering ourselves to wake up with all our senses on the alert.
After the number 5, we open our eyes and stand up at our ease.
By following this specific technique, the subconscious gets
clearer and clearer; later on, as we keep practicing, the
unconscious reveals itself too, unfolding great cosmic truths
which could lead even to enlightenment.
When we finish the lesson, some of the guys gather together and
we go for a coffee to Fokionos Negri Square, where we discuss
lots of controversial but interesting subjects: parapsychology,
spiritual development, magic, social matters, etc. Some of us
meet on Saturday nights too. I can barely believe what's
happening to me: It is me who goes out every Saturday night,
having fun in tavernas, cafeterias and pubs, together with an
interesting, large company! I experience and enjoy my new
reality to the fullest, even if sometimes I feel that the atmosphere
around me is strangely tense...
From the company of Janus I especially like Apostolis: He is 25
years old, tall, slender, calm and sensible -unlike most guys I
know. I show him my interest at every opportunity, he doesn't
seem to respond but I, as usual, refuse to acknowledge the bitter
truth. Only once did he accept to go out with me, just the two of
us, because he thought he could persuade me to take out a life
assurance policy by the insurance company he works for; I
pretended to care only because I hoped I could start dating him.
Another time, I phoned him and suggested our going to the
cinema together. “I have other plans for today”, he answered
flatly. Since then, any time we meet together with the others, he
looks rather buttoned-up towards me but very friendly to Danae,
who is eight years younger than me and much richer.
Nevertheless, I still hope...
Friday, 29th July 1990
Every year “Pangaea” remains closed during the whole month of
August, which is very convenient to me: I won't have to fight in
order to get my summer leave! I have already arranged to spend
a week abroad: I will go to Dalmatia with a travel agency and the
group leaves tomorrow. Of course, first I finished typing all the
texts given to me, I delivered them to Mary Bonanos yesterday
(she happens to work for Pangaea too) and I explained to her I
wouldn't be able to type any more this month – that is, they will
have to do without me for three days. She bore no objection,
since the company is about to close, anyway.
This morning, however, I had an entirely unexpected phone call;
as soon as I picked up the receiver, I heard a very angry woman's
voice telling me:
“Listen, Yvonne, I am Mary from Pangaea and I am furious at
you! You left us three days before the end of July, while there is
still so much work to do! And don't forget that I was the one who
talked to the bosses and they hired you as a typist!”
For a moment I was speechless; then I answered calmly that “I
thought there wasn't so much work to do and that I could
leave...”
“What are you talking about? There are whole volumes of our
new encyclopedia waiting to be typed! You hear? Whole
volumes!” she interrupted, outraged.
“Yes, but I'm leaving for Yugoslavia tomorrow! What can I do?”
“Find us another typist, one who can sub for you during these
three days that you won't be working for us!”
“Alright, I will try” I replied hastily, just because I wanted get rid
of her as soon as possible.
“And make sure she is educated, not an illiterate one, you
understand?”
“Yes, alright...”
I thought about Mrs Georgia, a schoolmate in Janus , who also
happens to be a typist. I came in contact with her at once, I told
her all about it and asked her to visit the company tomorrow
morning. She expressed her wonder about the whole story, she
was even worried “But what if they hire me and fire you?” but I
insisted on her going there, because I didn't want to displease
Mary Bonanos and the bosses of Pangaea.
Wednesday, 10th August 1990
The trip to Dalmatia proved to be a fiasco: The group consisted
of some boring old people, and the prima donna was a black-
dressed middle-aged shrew who wouldn't miss a chance to show
off her knowledge in everything, while the others were admiring
and applauding her. The only company I managed to find was a
42-year-old divorced lady with her 5-year-old son. She told me
she had two adult daughters as well, and that she had given birth
to that boy so as to keep her aged lover -yet he got away. So, the
lady was always in a bad mood, she didn't have much to say, but
she dropped me certain hints every now and then: “I don't know
if you are still in the market, but I am not”, or “Do you mind
your that you didn't get married?” -as if I were some 50-year-old
spinster.
Moreover, I was unlucky enough to share the room with an old
neurasthenic who swallowed the sleeping pills by the dozen, yet
she couldn't get any sleep and when the morning came she
started complaining to me:
“Aren't you ashamed at all? You look at your watch, at 6:30,
before the day breaks, then you put it on the bedside table and
the noise wakes me up! Shame on you!”
“Eeeeh, I'm sorry!”
“And you snore all night long and you don't let me sleep!”
The hen got on my nerves with her hysteria; first of all, I don't
snore; then, every morning we had to be at the foyer by 7:00,
ready for the tour of the day.
After a couple of such incidents, I went to the reception and
asked to be given a single room, but there were no such rooms in
the hotel, I was told. I complained about that to the travel agent,
to no avail of course, everybody in the group got wind of the
situation, and in the end they were all fond of the old
neurasthenic, while they looked askance at me.
Anyway, I saw some beautiful places as well: Herceg Novi,
Kotor, Cetinje, Mostar, Dubrovnik, Budva, Saint Stephen.
However, the good impressions were blemished by the four
exhausting days (two to go and two to return) in the small but
packed ship.
This morning I phoned Georgia and asked her about her
collaboration with Pangaea. To my great astonishment, she
informed me that they didn't need her at all and that they were
surprised to see her!
Monday, 3rd September 1990
Pangaea is open again for the first day after the summer
holidays, and I went to find Mary Bonanos in her office.
“How are things, Mary?” I asked smiling. “Did you have any
problem during those days I was away? I sent you another typist,
like you told me on the phone, but she said that you didn't need
her at all!”
“What? I never phoned you!” she replied astounded.
“But you called me on the 29th of July and you said that...”
“It wasn't me! It was probably Mary Skina!”
Right at that moment, Mary Skina happened to enter the office
and, full of joy and laughs, confirmed it was her who had phoned
me!
“So, it was you,” I told her solemnly. “I thought it was Mary
Bonanos, that's why I was worried! You introduced yourself as
' Mary from Pangaea' , and your voices are alike...”
“Oh, no, it was me!” she repeated, with an innocent smile on her
face.
If I had known it was Skina on the phone then, I would have
acted differently and, of course, I wouldn't have involved