As I raced the Spyder cycle between traffic I felt guilty.
This is not my crotch rocket. This crotch rocket I had purchased for Spyder woman years ago. Luckily I felt convinced that the chiropractor might not even know that the comic book writers had started working on her as far back as 1995. True Spyder 98
A Secret Spyder Verse woman’s ultimate mission was to be a spy but they simply had created her way too tall. Spiders are very small scary creatures not big tall giraffes like me. A good spy would be very petite and able to climb her way through tight spaces in walls to spy on people.
Angelic eyes would be a plus too because then her subjects would not be reluctant to trust her thus preventing her from procuring information. And with the academic credentials of a doctor?
Things were all starting to make sense.
The Spyder cycle crotch rocket was in fact a woman’s bike but I didn’t care. The CCs were only 250 but when I designed it I had a tiny super hero in mind that could still fly over 100mph on a 50
CCs scooter. The engine was super quiet and that was the only dangerous part about the motorcycle. It was designed for high speed but also designed for the ability to creep up on people.
Hopefully Spyder woman would remain highly astute while riding the bike as it was nothing like an obnoxiously loud Harley that let people know you were coming for safety sake.
I liked that in just twenty minutes into the bike ride my copper helmet would put me officially off the grid. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have my cellphone because both me and the chiropractor knew what really happened on 04/15/2005. I know she’s never gonna give me the other half of that X-RAY to locate just where the 99
A Secret Spyder Verse little nano buggar crawled into my head. Over the years I just assumed I would get lucky and the GPS nano bug would experience it’s batteries dying but my opinion changed when I saw the science teacher power a clock with an apple. Whomever designed the nano gps device lodged inside my head knew what they were doing. The batteries simply CAN’T run out because it is powered by the chemicals in my brain. But what bothers me the most? The kill switch. I’m basically the next Donnie Darko accident. I’ve secretly known of this technology for years but it bothers me that the little buggar is neatly ensconced in that tight little spot between my right brain and my left brain. A push of a button on the government’s end? I’m a dead man. A small explosion but no loud boom. I lie dead somewheres with a bloody nose and the government authorizes the autopsy people to cover it up just like they did with Donnie Darko.
A schizophrenic bird is no different than a cockroach trapped in a corner getting ready to be stepped on. I know it will be sometime before I can dupe the doctor into giving me the other half of that X-RAY but I also understand her position. I’m not the only one being paid to shut up. I imagine if she’s smart she squeezed a good buck out of them to sign a hush agreement not to go public with her findings. It’s just simply a shame that I had to be the very first guinea pig for this tamper proof technology. I often had to remind myself that even if Spyder woman helped me locate NR-2005-100
A Secret Spyder Verse Z015Nano I still would have to figure out how to cut the little buggar out of my head without killing myself!
When I got back to the place at the rocks I immediately hid the black crotch rocket inside between the tall weeds. These little crotch rockets are so much easier to hide than cars. This was do or die time. I knew by the sun’s position I was going to have to take the risk and figure out how to use moonlight to get across those rocks and over towards that teeny tiny tree. I wish I myself had Spyder like powers but the truth was I unfortunately was a bit too fat to dance across those rocks and tonight just might be the first time I sprain my ankle.
Because I didn’t have my cellphone to use as light I had no choice but to wait out the wind slowly blowing across the dark cloud blocking the moonlight. What a hellish two days it had been and everything had happened so fast! My intuition led me to believe that the whole welfare fraud prank just simply had to be Debra’s idea to catch me like a deer stuck in the headlights. It really was quite a brilliant plan but as far as I knew my sister-in-law was going to beat this attempted murder charge and I knew she had the money and resources to do it. And the fact 101
A Secret Spyder Verse that her Daddy hired Spencer? Oh she was gonna win for sure. The fact of the matter is attorneys are completely different from prosecutors. Debra had only switched to a prosecutor just not long ago and I knew when it came to prosecuting she lacked the experience. Spencer would eat her alive in the courtroom. The only thing she really had going for her was that professional looking brown dress made her look like a trustworthy Sunday School teacher and of course her age. It was still an egregious error on her part to get the dates wrong on that police report I filed and Spencer picked up on it right away. Spencer always had a history of basically being a human tape recorder and nothing ever got overlooked when he was around. With him it was full eye contact at all times and I doubt he ever got caught once daydreaming in his entire life. That of course was what had me curious about the murder but I had to constantly remind myself that only serial killers daydream. I secretly suspected Spencer had only killed one man and I wasn’t suppose to ever stumble across the motive but his uncanny voice was what ultimately gave him away.
The cloud finally crept away and I could make my first jump onto a very big rock. I loved this place. It wasn’t so much the scenic view but what rather loomed in the distance that fueled my euphoric rush. Raw nuclear power. The power plant. Even though I couldn’t see it I could still feel the powerful vibes it exuded. If truth be 102
A Secret Spyder Verse told? Just standing within a few miles of this power plant felt better than sex. I am not alone with this zany opinion. I once dated a girl decades ago that swore up and down sitting on a loud motorcycle gave her an orgasm. There’s just simply something euphoric about getting very close to power. I liked lots of it. I liked nuclear plants. If I had to deal with three eyed fish and "Push-me-pull-you two headed insects just to get a euphoric rush than so be it.
It took me an extra ten minutes to get across the rocky pier but I finally did it. That teeny tiny fig of a tree was just the landmark I was looking for. I giggled realizing that Spyder woman was tiny enough to hide behind it but she was not alone. Her upcoming nemisis Carmen AKA The Demon Snatcher was pretty much just as tiny as she was. Either one of them could scare me by popping out from that teeny tiny fig tree.
I removed my black leather motorcycle gloves so I could carefully grope the tree all the way down it’s skinny little trunk. This was incredibly weird for me. I felt like I was stroking off Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree as I tried to find what I was looking for.
Was it only 4 pound test line or what because I just wasn’t finding it. I was about to give up when suddenly my pinky finger got pinched in the hair line fishing line.
103
A Secret Spyder Verse I knew I couldn’t jerk the line like I wanted to or it would easily break and I would never get my cellphone back. I tugged on it nice and slowly like I had to do as a kid pulling cigarettes out of the wall with my sticky side out duct tape fastened to a brick. As I tugged nice and slowly I could feel the weight of my cellphone slithering it’s way through the rocks. I couldn’t help but wonder just how many text messages had built up if there were any at all.
Most likely there would only be one. It would be from Spencer.
Most likely it would read
"Why don’t you shut the hell up I got this. Wanna lose your hush money?
I was still in between jobs and had no intentions of replacing my name brand coffee with that generic stale cardboard crap. I have style. I may eat potato chip tasting worms dried up along sidewalks but I don’t drink generic coffee. Car garages should know better than to put that stuff in their lobbies. As I slowly pulled up the cellphone into an arms reach I couldn’t help but be completely surprised by how well the latex condom was holding up especially since it was over twenty years old. I guess I had showed them salty bitches in my health class teasing me about mine would stay in my wallet for life as the health teacher handed them out. I had learned some tricks as a soldier with how we got 104
A Secret Spyder Verse our cellphones across waist high rivers and streams.
Just before I was ready to illuminate the screen I stopped myself from pushing the side button.
Couldn’t I just hold it until I got home? It was dark and did I really need to give my location away? It was hard to believe that Spyder woman managed to conceal her snorkel and creep up on me like a CIA mermaid. I surmised that in order for her to see through these muddy waters this evidently wasn’t her first rodeo with scuba diving. On a doctor’s salary there was a good chance she went looking for buried treasures in the waters all the time just as a hobby. One thing was for sure. Her occupation left her with Plenty of free time. Plenty of free time to play her role as Spyder woman and stop The Demon Snatcher from destroying the town with all these faux affairs in lieu of more suitable diversions. It was just simply morally wrong and I had the confidence that Spyder woman had enough Spydee senses to stop Carmen from destroying the reputations of the churches just to get the medals she wanted by using human lives as pawns in her deadly experiments.
By the time I got back to the tall weeds I had no choice but to use 105
A Secret Spyder Verse the phones lighting to see between the weeds to locate the crotch rocket. My curiosity got the best of me and I felt compelled to at least check for an incoming text message. There was one in fact and only one.
It came from Spencer - “Don’t use fire dumbass your still on the satellite buddy. Figure out how to flush it down the potty bit by bit.”
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A Secret Spyder Verse CHAPTER 13
When I got back to my apartment the very first thing I did was brew a strong pot of coffee. I knew that considering what I had to do was going to make for a very long night. Ve-r-r-r-y long night. I don’t keep much tools around in my tiny apartment. The majority of my tools are down in the dungeon apartment below where George lives. I know it would be foolish to bother him at this hour
of the night because I know I have to finish my task under the watchful eye of the satellite spying over me. Their infrared cameras may be hovering over 1000 miles above me watching me live so I need to make it look like I’m crocheting. Spencer was right. No fire to destroy the evidence on this one. Just like we learned in Federal custody. Down the potty and round and round it goes. Just figure out a way not to clog the fucking toilet.
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A Secret Spyder Verse The first thing I did was pull the fingernail sized WiFi card. I would need this later once they would have to return me the other phone so I could keep the same number. I was able to locate some hand held wire cutters we often used as truckers to cut away metal seals. I grabbed a scarf I had been crocheting for the past month and sat Indian style on my bed and started to crochet. I knew I had to crochet for a good 20 minutes before the Air Force watching me with their drones would get bored and doze off. Over the years I surmised that I had given these remote peek-a-boo transgressors quite a bit of entertainment as they peeked through my walls from afar with their infrared technology.
Oh well, I thought to myself.
At least I look like nothing more than a human fireball to them.
I drank strong coffee as I laid down my scarf and began to cut the cellphone to pieces bit by bit with the hand held cutters. I had watched plenty of CSI shows to know that if I wanted to properly discard of this evidence I had better make enough cuts to shred this phone into a fine powder. This definitely was going to take all freaking night. The palms of my hands would definitely feel this in the morning. As I chiseled away I couldn’t help but wonder what 108
A Secret Spyder Verse Spyder girl was up to on a night like this. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least bit if right about now she was opting to study spider guts under a microscope rather than listen to Jay Leno shoot his mouth off. For all I knew Spyder woman might not even own a tv. I seriously doubted she ever sat still and I imagined her book shelf just might be full.
The handheld cutting sounded like a fat man with deformed thick skin cutting his toenails. The sound of course was no where loud enough to waken the neighbors. Because when I cut the circuit board chips was turning into a game of tiddly winks I had to learn how to do this cutting from inside a plastic grocery bag so little circuit pieces wouldn’t go flying across the floor. One thing I always knew about surveillance. Third shift was always lazy. Start doing something incredibly boring for them to watch and eventually they will give up staring. I cut the chip board over and over putting incredible amounts of pressure on my palms. Both of my palms actually because I had to use both hands for each cut.
The circuit board pieces slowly went from the size of a business card all the way down to the size of a tic tac. I wasn’t going to stop until this entire phone was cut down to a fine powder even if that meant my hands turning black and blue from putting so much stress on them.
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A Secret Spyder Verse The pieces of the phone were now in a plastic grocery bag cut into pieces that looked like tic tac candies. I knew I should take a quick break so my hands wouldn’t hurt so much in the morning. I decided maybe I should sneak outside and check the mail.
Spencer was right. In fact Spencer was right about EVERYTHING.Any time the government places you under investigation you need to shut up about EVERYTHING. This even included close personal family members. There just simply was no surefire way these days to communicate without interception. I stared intently at my incoming piece of mail. I couldn’t help but notice this envelope from the courts had been previously opened and taped shut. SOMEBODY was snooping at my mail. I was in fact 100% used to this by now. I had problems cashing out my Superbowl winnings for 2020 and still have questions about the mysterious brown minivan milling our parking lot around the time the mailman comes. I really don’t like when police are smart enough to get previously convicted criminals to do their dirty work but they have a history of doing these things ALL THE TIME.
And if they can’t find themselves a convict wanna be cop? They sucker juveniles onto taking the heat for their unlawful misdeeds.
I opened up my previous opened letter to realize it was a subpoena from the courts. They wanted me back the very next day 110
A Secret Spyder Verse to testify. AGAIN. I knew the second time would be harder because most likely Debra was carefully scrutinizing those sentencing minutes to look for holes in my story. Good thing I didn’t lie the FIRST time. Depending on how juicy things would get I might have no other choice but to lie in the next. But how? I typically had a history of being a terrible lier. I didn’t have the acting credits like the others in there to deftly craft the skill of manipulation. My only other option? Tangents. I had a medical dossier backing me up giving me the green light to talk horsey talk in there and have it all look legit. Tomorrow we would be getting some updates on those ponies.
I took one last look at the envelope and had many questions.
Had this parcel really made it’s way through the mail? How had it gotten to me so quickly and why never stamped? Oh well, wouldn’t be the first time the courts played tricks like this on me. It didn’t take me long to discover in 2017 of September that my name change packet from the prothonotary office never technically made it’s way through the mail causing me to miss my hearing. I guess a fella named Andrew might know more about that as the phallanx of witches that hid behind him encouraged him to lie to me about eligibility for utilizing tracked mail. After reading this letter from the courts I wondered if it even came from the courts 111
A Secret Spyder Verse at all but the red rubber stamp at the bottom gave me assurance that it actually did. I was due in court tomorrow morning at 9am.
Evidently this attempted murder case was serious enough that it had to be heard first? No. I had to think like them. Why would the courts want this trial to come first thing in the morning? The answer was Chrystal clear. The alphabet clan that were tying up their neck ties each morning at 6am knew the nosy left wing crowd were still in their pajamas. The crowd would dwindle for sure this next hearing as most likely the lefts were still waiting for the shower water to warm up.
I placed the letter on the mantle and realized that I was in a bad predicament. I was due in court to re-testify in just 5 hours and I haven’t so much as gotten a wink of sleep. I was going to have to cut these pieces up faster. Much faster if I wanted them to all go down in one flush. One big royal presidential pardoned flush!
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A Secret Spyder Verse CHAPTER 14
Edgewood Terror (Trial day #2)
The big black suburban slithered up the driveway just like a snake to keep from landing in the grass. Before Carmen exited the tinted glassed SUV she reached above the visor for those big frisbee sunglasses of hers. She was in a hurry but didn’t pounce across the pavement too fast as drawing too much attention to herself would surely blow her cover as a CIA agent.
As she pushed on the doorbell, she embraced herself for loud exciting barks from the dogs but there wasn’t so much as a grunt or any other emanating sound.
Wasn’t there supposed to be dogs here? She thought to herself, 113
A Secret Spyder Verse Do I have the right address?
The years had passed but she did in fact recognize Mrs.Stettler as she came to open the door.
Mrs.Stettler,the mother of Dirty Bird. There was quite a dismal look on Mrs.Stettler’s face.
The Demon Snatcher got straight to the point. “Mrs.Stettler, there’s been an emergency. We have to cover all this up quickly before things escalate.”
Dirty Bird’s mother scrunched up her face. Even though she had her glasses on she still appeared to be squinting because Carmen was so small and incognito.
“It’s both my sons this time isn’t it?”
“Yes, and if the oldest one doesn’t soon shut up they gonna bring down every letter of the alphabet. Grab your purse mam. We need to go.”
114
A Secret Spyder Verse But Mrs.Stettler already had her purse and looked ready to go. It almost seemed as if she was expecting the Demon Snatcher to show up on her porch.
“I was already planning on stepping out. I’ve been doing everything you wanted me to do but I’m afraid it’s never gonna work. Well….it’s affecting my youngest of course but my bigger big boy doesn’t seem to be nibbling on our plastic worm.”
“We need to get going Mrs.Stettler. I need to have a serious talk with the both of you today. Is you know who still living out in Ephrata?”
“Yes, I was just getting ready to see him. My husband left for work just thirty minutes ago.”
“Okay great. And you found opportunities to intentionally drive past your son with
him in the car?”
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“Yeah but it’s just not working. He’s either daydreaming too much to see us or he’s intentionally playing dumb for some reason.”
“All killers struggle with daydreaming problems Mrs.Stettler. I have an idea. Let’s keep up with your routine. Let’s go pick up your Sunshine in your car so nothing looks out of kilter okay?”
“Sure Carmen I’m ready.”
The Demon Snatcher followed my mother over to her red little Yaris. My mother didn’t see it necessary to open the door for her as Carmen seemed to figure that out by herself. Both side doors swung open and the Demon Snatcher immediately crawled her way into the back seat as my mother put on her seatbelt and started the ignition.
“You can sit up here if you want until we pick him up.”
Carmen immediately squatted down into the car’s floor as if engaging in a serious game of hide and seek. As a highly trained CIA operative she knew this would be the sacrifice she would have to make as the little cherry car had no tinted windows. My mother 116
A Secret Spyder Verse got curious as she watched the Demon Snatcher hide below the seats as if embracing for a border crossing illegally.
“Are you okay Carmen?”
“Yeah I’m fine Mrs Stettler just carry about your business. I really don’t want to be seen out here. Your sure your oldest didn’t make any friends out here right?”
Mrs.Stettler chuckled. “He didn’t make any friends where he’s at now. That’s how my kids get in and out of his apartment all the time.”
“Alright,alright, alright let’s do this. Take us to your little sunshine.”
The little red Yaris eased it’s way down the driveway and onto Edgewood. By the time they moved ten feet my mother was already in fourth gear. She had always been that under 500 RPM
cheap kind of way. My mother waited until they hit 897 to finally say something.
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“I liked those big frisbee sunglasses. Do you really think my son recognized you?”
Carmen continued to wrestle her little short cake body down closer to the floor. She was taking this whole incognito thing very seriously.
“He must have recognized me from a couple years ago when I spied on him at the pizza shop. He’s never seen all of my face though so I’m not super worried.”
“Why did you spy on Blake at the pizza shop if you don’t mind my asking?”
“Simple protocol rules Mrs.Stettler. Little pizza shops like that are off the grid cash operations. If your son steps off the grid we have to know about it immediately.”
The car made its way West on 322 and my mother refused to speed despite this emergency situation. She wondered how much longer she could maintain her role with this faux affair to divert me from my work. It was such a blessing for her daughter in law 118
A Secret Spyder Verse to offer to help create another diversion. Perhaps Dirty Bird over the years had learned to be closer to his brother and diversions from the daughter in law just might work.
(12 minutes later)
The little red cherry car came to a complete stop. All of a sudden the passenger door swung open scaring the shit out of both the Demon Snatcher and Froggy eyes. Froggy eyes AKA the toothpick man. A military veteran cursed with leaving a toothpick spoor virtually almost everywhere he went. None other than
“Mr.Sunshine”
“Whoa! Diana! You have company in the back!”
My mother remained calm. “I know. It’s Carmen. Don’t you remember meeting her years ago?”
Froggy eyes chuckled. “Yeah I remember. She gonna update us on our role? Do we get to hold hands again?”
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A Secret Spyder Verse Carmen just shouted from the floor in the back. “Can we just get going people! Just carry about your business and let’s head out to that grocery store while we sort this out.”
Both froggy eyes and my mother immediately shut up. Over the years my younger brother had taught my mother the importance of respecting the alphabet. Carmen of course was way way up in the alphabet. Much higher up in the alphabet chain of command than Officer Stettler, my younger brother.
The faux affair duo could easily hear The Demon Snatcher squirming around the floor boards trying to make herself comfortable.
“Hey Mrs.Stettler I’ll tell ya what. We gonna pay for your tinted windows.”
My mother countered. “If I get tinted windows in this thing how is Blakey supposed to see us when he drives past us?”
“Oh you’re right. Scratch the idea you make a good point Mrs.Stettler. But seriously, y’all need to bring us up to speed fast as 120
A Secret Spyder Verse to what is going on. How has Blake or Bob or whatever his name is, how has he figured out my name? Cuz I know there’s no leaks coming out of the CIA.”
“I honestly don’t know. Didn’t you once give me a business card years ago when he was still living at my home?”
“Shit! You showed it to him?”
“No of course not. But there’s always a chance he saw it lying around somewhere before I put it away.”
The Demon Snatcher was slowly learning of her burn notice. I have known about this fiesty little bitch for years now. The Demon Snatcher is literally possessed with her studies of pre-crime. She will stop at nothing this little future predicting bitch. Carmen’s CIA mission won’t stop until she’s figured how to keep society safe by putting me in jail. Even if that means using some lonely old creepy man from the church as bait.
Where is Spyder women? I thought to myself, Where is Spyder woman to help me publicly expose this unruly entrapment 121
A Secret Spyder Verse orchestrated by the CIA agency itself?
The car continued to ease it’s way down 322 at a comfortable 45mph as the trio made their way to the BBs discount grocery store. The chatter continued to carry on in the car as my mother stayed in her lane.
“Mrs.Stettler. Are you aware that your oldest son Blake is in that courtroom RIGHT now singing like a birdie?”
“I told you he would once the hush money ran out.”
“Oh if he gonna play games our lawyers gonna get it back no worries there. It’s Debra we all having a problem with. How she fit into the picture?”
My mother remained calm and thought before she spoke. “Yeah Debra, she’s becoming a real problem lately.”
“Why she so hellbent in getting to the bottom of this? Thought you guys said Dirty Bird ain’t got no friends and we gotz nuthn to 122
A Secret Spyder Verse worry about?”
Froggy eyes couldn’t resist but cut in. “Oh we can tell ya but your not gonna like it.”
“Oh please tell. We gotta handle this fast. Do you know he’s in there with some doctor we think from Michigan testifying right now as we speak?”
Mr. Toothpick man couldn’t wait to drop the news to the Demon Snatcher. “Debra Cyan. Debra Cyan is her name. Remember that witty attorney guy Dirty Bird hired in 2012?”
“Yeah. So?”
“Well that witty SOB purposely didn’t file the grievance in the right jurisdiction which led to a 9 month wrongful incarceration for Dirty Bird. He was clearly owed a paycheck and the only thing he was guilty of was sitting in that chair waiting for it.”
“Ummm… okay…so what that gotta do with Debra?”
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“Debra worked for that same law firm. She dug around a little bit and discovered Dirty Bird was in fact innocent. We think she felt bad for the firm taking his money and not doing a lick of work which would have prevented him from going to jail. Once he got out of jail he vowed NEVER TO DO BUSINESS WITH ATTORNEYS
AGAIN.”
“So I guess Debra felt like she owed him a favor and thinks she’s protecting him by trying to incarcerate his sister in law that’s trying to kill him? Why would his own sister in law want him dead? Who’s Dangerous Rogue?”
Froggy eyes continued to speak on behalf of my mother. Carmen should be careful not to squirm too much back there on the floor or she could have toothpicks sticking into her.
“We’re just doing it all these years just as you told us to do. Our affair doesn’t appear to be working too well. In fact, hasn’t worked for an entire seven years. You told us to go ahead and try something else. We ran it by Officer Stettler’s wife and she came up with a brilliant idea for a secondary diversion.”
“And what did she think of?”
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A Secret Spyder Verse Froggy eyes couldn’t stop giggling as he mentally pictured the second diversion to divert me from my work. “Well….after paying thousands for them…Dangerous Rogue volunteered to go viral and show off those fake headlights. She knew Dirty Bird always had sensitive eyes. EVERY time he exits a dark building he starts sneezing immediately.”
“Uh-huh- I’m getting this now. Go on….”
Froggy eyes still had to chuckle. “She knew her brother in law spent a lot of time in his junk mail so she high beemed him. She high beamed him right from his incoming emails. Not once but twice!”
“So did he ever tell anybody?”
My mother finished up the conversation. “That we don’t really know.”
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A Secret Spyder Verse CHAPTER 15
07-08-2020
It was nice to be able to finally transport myself to the court house but I regretted it once I found myself paying for parking. I wore gray dress pants and a plain white dress shirt. I was too deadbeat tired to fish around my apartment for my neck tie. I used to keep my neck tie hanging from the bicycle that I used to use in lieu of a hat rack. My sister had given me the bicycle but after the attempted murder incident insisted I return the bike to her so I did. Now I am very glad to say I have an actual hat rack I just don’t know where I tossed the neck tie when I removed the bicycle.
I showed up to the court room on time and was told I wouldn’t be approaching the witness stand until later in the hearing when they would call me. I was very much surprised to see Spyder woman on the witness stand. She didn’t appear at all in the least 126
A Secret Spyder Verse bit nervous and she was being cross examined by Spencer. Debra insisted on being at the doctor’s side while Spencer questioned her. I was slowly starting to put the pieces together. Debra and Spyder woman were close personal friends.
How was I not able to figure this out with the firm located so close to the chiropractor office?
Spencer looked suited up like the next Johnny Cochran. It was hard to believe that a man in his sixties could keep himself so skinny. I always imagined the reason he kept himself in shape was to ensure he would always have the energy to yell. Its always funny watching him get hyper. One of his previous clients had written a review about him stating “when hiring Spencer all you have to do is sit back and eat pop corn.” It was so true. Debra’s case was extremely weak and I knew Spencer would surely win this case with his win record. He was widely known throughout the nation and came from a family of millionaires as well.
Typically millionaires are known for one thing. Winning. But keep in mind both Debra and the doctor can’t really say they have any family photos of themselves sitting at a laundry mat at the age of 16 folding clothes so I imagined they grew up with resources as well.
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A Secret Spyder Verse Spencer approached the witness stand while the doctor quickly adjusted her hair. It seemed as though she wanted all of her face ostensibly seen for a better testimony. I chuckled a soft chuckle but she didn’t seem to notice. In fact she made it her perogitive to not stare at me for so much as a second. She was taking this testimony very seriously and wanted to keep things professional so I understood why she couldn’t glance over at me.
“So doctor if you don’t mind my asking. When was your first appointment with Mr.Stettler?”
The doctor looked relaxed. “Oh I’d say about the first week of March.”
“Of this year?”
“Yes of this year.”
“And how often do you see him? Monthly, weekly?”
“Weekly. Twice a week in fact.”
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“And doctor if I may ask. Does he stick out from your other clients in any way?”
The doctor nodded her head.
Spencer pushed. “A yes or no please.”
“Yes.”
“And what was unusual about him?”
“He was very tight. Look how little I am and he always seemed petrified of me. It was very hard to get him to relax for the adjustments.”
“Do you think that’s because he grew up being abused?”
“Objection!” Debra cut in before Spyder woman could reply.
“Where are we going with this your honor? Is she a chiropractor or a therapist?”
129
A Secret Spyder Verse The judge agreed with Debra and yelled at Spencer. “Please Mr.Spencer, let’s stay with the subject.”
“Sorry your honor. I still have some questions though.”
“Carry on.” Said the judge.
“So doctor, do you schedule the appointment times with your clients or do they do it themselves?”
“They do the scheduling themselves. Blake had a membership so he was entitled to schedule whenever he wanted to”
“And was there a pattern to it?”
“Yes there was in fact. Mondays and Thursdays.”
“Ever figure out why those two particular days doctor?”
“I did actually. I had recommended twice a week so he was 130
A Secret Spyder Verse properly spacing out the appointments so he would heal better.”
“Did he say he was getting better? Were the adjustments working?”
Debra cut in again. “Objection your honor! Can we stay on point?
This trial is about attempted murder do we need a detailed explanation of a healing process in a chiropractor office?”
The judge looked over at Spencer. “Please Mr.Spencer, let’s not take up too much of the doctor’s time.”
Spencer changed tunes. “Okay doctor, do you know if Mr.Stettler scheduled an appointment with you on April 6th. That would have been a Monday. You said Mondays and Thursdays right?”
“He did yes.”
Spencer leafed through some paperwork until he found the image of the charred receipt that Debra had printed from the cloud. He read the date of the text message below it.
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“Ah yes, this is the alleged text message that he sent prior to your appointment to his sister over the weekend. April 4th it looks like.”
“Okay,” was Spyder woman’s only reply.
Spencer continued. “So evidently Mr Stettler had a pretty rough weekend prior to seeing you on April 6th. Did he say anything to you like Hey I think someone tried to kill me over the weekend or anything like that?”
The doctor couldn’t help herself at this point. I sensed she could use her Spidey senses to see where Spencer was going with this.
She gave me what appeared to be a dirty look of disappointment. I gave her my nice famous crocodile smile. Just for her of course.
“No he did not.”
Spencer got hyper. “Okay! So just so I’m understanding this. No police report filed. We know he lives alone. He’s been seeing you twice a week and never once thought to mention how’s your weekend oh mines great somebody tried to kill me?”
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A Secret Spyder Verse Debra tried to help out. She cut in. “Doctor you did tell me that you did in fact notice something was wrong that week correct?”
“Yes. Of course. He wasn’t himself. I could tell something was wrong.”
Spencer seemed a bit upset. He crossed his arms. “Really? And how so? He talks to you telepathically now?”
The doctor shook her head no while she hemmed and hawed.
“Well no, but just before the adjustment session is over I have to take what Mr.Stettler describes as his big massive brain in my hands to crook his neck for a final adjustment. Getting that close to his face I could sense something dire had happened over the weekend. He was as pale as a ghost.”
“But nothing was actually said?”
“Correct.”
“I have no further questions for the witness your honor. At this 133
A Secret Spyder Verse time I’d like to call to the witness stand Mr.Stettler.”
Before I stood up I looked around. The courtroom wasn’t nearly as full as yesterday but some local officers insisted on coming just to watch the show. I was still utmost curious as to why my brother was not in the courtroom nor was my sister or mother.
Had my brother’s boss given the family stay at home orders to prevent this thing from turning into a mess?
I approached the witness bench and smiled demurely for the courtroom. Spencer didn’t bother with introducing me as now everyone pretty much knew who I was. I watched as he leafed through some previous testimony.
“Mr.Stettler, you mentioned yesterday that what caused you to notice the receipt in the first place was a homemade papery wick leading to it is that correct?”
“Correct.”
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“And did you take a picture of the papery wick?”
“I did not.”
“But why not? After all, you took a picture of the receipt, why not everything else?”
“I was startled. In shock to move at first. I almost felt like taking a picture of the wick leading to the heater would get me killed.”
“Killed?”
“Yes killed. I’m a paranoid schizophrenic remember? Pictures get remotely deleted from my phone all the time. I didn’t want the government knowing that I figured out they had tried to kill me.”
“But you still took a picture of the receipt.”
“I did that was to show my sister.”
135
“And what did the back of the receipt look like?”
“Ironically the back of the receipt was completely white.”
“Was there anything else near the heater?”
“Yes. A blue bicycle my sister gave me.”
“Could the receipt have fallen from the bicycle?”
“Why would I have a receipt left on a bicycle. It was an old receipt from months ago.”
“Okay fair enough, it says here in your text that you moved the bicycle the night before. Why?”
“We were quarantined because of Covid-19. I was drunk and bored. I caught a superman moment and thought I could turn the bicycle into an exercise bike by propping the back of it on a car jack.”
136
“Do you drink often?”
“No.”
“So then it wouldn’t take much for you to get drunk.”
“When I do drink it’s a 24 ounce can.”
“Do you remember what kind of beer you drunk that night Mr.Stettler?”
“Yes. It was a Hurricane.”
“Is that what you usually drink?”
“No. I usually drink high Life.”
“And what percent alcohol is that?”
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“I dunno exact number but I think around 5%.”
“And the Hurricane?”
“Ten percent.”
“So then essentially you had doubled your intake of alcohol isn’t that correct Mr.Stettler?”
“Essentially. Yes.”
Debra cut in. “Your honor if I may question the witness?”
The judge shook his head. “Go on.”
“Mr.Stettler, when you pulled the receipt from the heater, was it near the front of the bicycle or the back?”
“The front.”
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“Did you have any reason to pick up the front of the bicycle the night before?”
I tried to help Spencer out. “No, but when I picked up the back wheel I noticed the front of the bicycle shift causing it to bump into a big manila folder of papers that brushed up against the heater.”
Debra still pressed me. “Would there be any reason for that receipt to be with the papers in that folder? This looks like a receipt to a grocery bill.”
I looked over at Spyder woman. She just shrugged her shoulders.
Debra was making some pretty good points. I was ready for a diversion from this topic so I wouldn’t have to fear returning the hush money. Okay, so maybe my sister in law tried to murder me.
But the fact was I’m not murdered. I’m still alive.
wouldn’t they eventually have to let her back out? How would my relationship with my sister in law go once she got out of prison?
Would she be the next side show Bob? Die Bob Die?
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A Secret Spyder Verse CHAPTER 16
When I walked outside of the courthouse I felt a pang of guilt.
Have I testified too much? How was any of this really my problem?
How many more days were they gonna toss me onto the witness stand? Wasn’t this trial getting kind of weak?
It was that same big dark SUV stalking me from afar with the tinted windows. I was quite certain by the eerie vibes the SUV
exuded most likely Spyder woman and Debra were conversing in there. I knew that most likely they were conversing about me.
Something still didn’t make sense. I had a lot of questions of my own. Questions like
Who tipped off Debra that my sister in law was trying to kill me?
Did Debra come to my chiropractor or did Spyder woman initially mention something was wrong with me? And how would I even 140
A Secret Spyder Verse know Spyder woman was really on my side? Maybe things were quite the opposite? Maybe Spyder woman questioned my weird aloofness and assumed I was the one up to no good and not my sister in law?
I started to walk towards my car and I noticed the big black SUV
suddenly making its way toward me so I walked a little faster. It did me no good because now the big SUV was intentionally blocking my path. The loud whirring of the electrical window being rolled down sounded just like the movies. I recognize Debra’s face.
“Hey Bob. Would you mind stepping in and talking to us for a bit?”
“I think I’m okay. I’ve said enough for today.”
“The air conditioning is nice and cold in here Bobby. Your chiropractor is with me and she has some questions for you too.”
I corrected her. “It’s Bob. Not Bobby.”
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A Secret Spyder Verse Debra chuckled. “Look Bob. If you ever want to get that twisty Giraffe neck worked on again you’ll step in the car.”
Deep down I knew she was right. I had serious trust issues with just human beings period. The neck was such an important part of the body and just imagining some big football player adjusting my neck gave me quite a scare. As a paranoid schizophrenic it took me quite a while to convince myself that Spyder woman had no intention of killing me when she spun my neck around. Eventually she had to develope a skill of outsmarting me just so I would loosen up so my neck would adjust properly. Often she would do several teaser adjustments to trick me into loosening up so she could crack my neck into place before I ever knew it was coming. I had these same tightening issues a decade ago when I had to undergo therapy for a back pain from lifting stairs.
I opened the side door and got in the back seat. Spyder woman was in the passenger seat so I knew that was great news because now if I felt trapped I at least had a good chance at lying. Unless of course Debra was going to aim her rear view mirror right at me.
I’d play it off though. I’d tell her my schizophrenia gives me a fear of mirrors and keep my head low in between questions.
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A Secret Spyder Verse Debra started grilling me right away.
“That Spencer guy really made me look like an ass today. What do you know about him?”
I chuckled. “That you’ll lose.”
Unlike Debra, Spyder woman insisted on turning her face around to talk to me.
“Blake why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?” I asked.
“Debra and I are trying to help you but you’re acting like you’re rooting for your sister in law to skirt her way out of this attempted murder.”
“Who knows. Maybe I am?”
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A Secret Spyder Verse Debra leaned over and whispered something into the chiropractor’s ear. Spyder woman immediately then turned around to face me again.
“Is it because of the hush money? I don’t think you get it Blakey.
You’re going to continue to suffer with a social disorder until you agree to seek help. You’re only making things worse by trying to cover all this up and living in that little bubble boy fantasy of yours.”
I slowly but surely started to put the mystery pieces together.
“Wait a minute. It did seem kind of odd that a month after firing my PCP doctor he called me out of the blue and demanded I see a psychiatrist? That……that was you Spydee girl?”
I figured if she was going to tease my blood pressure with “Blakey”
I was entitled to get even by going from Spyder Woman to Spydee girl. My wise guy humor abruptly dried up when I got to witness the chiropractor snap for the first time.
“Yes Blake! I’m the one who called your primary doctor. You think all this is funny? You think that girl in there that tried to murder you is ALL that she’s been up to?”
144
A Secret Spyder Verse I grunted. “Well how long has she been under investigation?” I asked.
Debra cut in. “I know you think your a big know it all because of your big prose civil win with that company out in Indiana but I assure you Bob there’s a lot left for you to learn. Our authorities supersede the cops and we do in fact on occasion investigate our own people in blue you know.”
I couldn’t help but wonder just how much insurance fraud had been commited over the years that she has a clever way of hiding from the radar.
Just how deep were they digging on my Sister-in-law? Shouldn’t they know with a screen name like Dangerous Rogue she probably already had a history of finding clever ways not to get caught?
Debra continued. “We can’t answer that Bob. That’s confidential.”
Spyder woman had a question. “I have a question. Why didn’t you tell me your name was Bob?”
145
A Secret Spyder Verse I chuckled. “Because then I’d know that you’d kick me out of your office. Bob is a lot more aggressive than Blake.”
Evidently Debra peeked at the previous court records and knew the whole name changing story had gone awry. I guess to get my attention she called me by my birth name.
“Blake please don’t get into the whole split personality bit. We just need to know more about Dangerous Rogue.”
I defended myself. If Debra had already read up on case# CI-17-04410 then she would know that the courts HAD IN FACT forced me into a split personality.
“But it’s true! I have Bob witnesses. I had already practiced being Bob and the courts adamantly refuse to refund my money after refusing the motion for continuance. How am I supposed to be Blake when checks 2010 and 2011 prove I already paid for Bob?
Those checks are signed, dated, and stamped, therefore they become legal binding contracts.”
Spyder woman looked over at Debra. “This true? The courts stole 146
A Secret Spyder Verse his money?”
Debra sighed. “His brother is part of their circle. Been a police officer 15 years. Dirty Bird back there got manhandled long before the case could be heard by a judge.”
“Younger Brother.” I corrected, “Nothing could cause a bigger mess that having a little brother playing the role of Big brother. I still have my birth certificate proving these roles are upside down.
Smsh…all this peek-a-boo madness. Somebody for the love of God give me the car with the woo woo lights. I’m the one that should be peeking on them!”
Neither one of them chuckled at my humor. I would actually be surprised in fact if they did. Highly intelligent people never seem to chuckle at much. I found that the only few times I could get so much as a half chuckle out of Spyder woman was by merely being myself. And it’s not just the doctor. I’ve found that it’s my actions in life that make people laugh not the stupid stuff I say but I have no interest in being the next Mr. Bean.
The chiropractor had a question for me. “Who was that Black lady you were chasing down the alley yesterday?”
147
“You saw that?”
"Well yeah we saw that. She some kind of ex-fling of yours?
I chuckled. “Oh quite the opposite. The Demon Snatcher and I go way way back. All the way back to 2009.”
“2009?”
“Yeah. That’s when the Feds released me. Long story there.
Evidently the Feds are still threatened by my mental illness and the Demon Snatcher is the CIA operative they assigned to be my guirella on my back. She’s actually the reason we are having this conversation.”
Spyder woman was completely lost. “The Demon Snatcher?
What’s her real name?”
“Carmen.”
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“Carmen who?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping you twos would know. Carmen is the one orchestrating these faux affairs between my momma and the creepy old man from the church. This been going on for years. For years because that’s how long it took Carmen to figure out I ain’t no momma’s boy. In fact far from it. So when she realized her faux affair diversions were failing she extended the attack on my family and got my sister-in-law to cooperate.”
The look on Spydee girl’s face was priceless as I could see her piecing together the conspiracy.
“So how do you know your sister in law intentionally let her ooh oohs go viral to divert you from your work? Who’s to say she’s not really in cahoots with your little brother?”
“That’s how I knew it was my sister in law trying to kill me. I secretly have known about Dangerous Rogue for years but never mentioned it to nobody but my mentor at a trucking company. My mentor ratted me out to my dad, my dad ratted me out and it got leaked. That’s why my sister in-law wants me dead. I have a history of hoarding. Spencer knows that. That ENTIRE salty crowd 149
A Secret Spyder Verse in there wants to see poor ole Big Bad Bob go up in smoke.”
But Spyder woman wasn’t done. “You’re going on a tangent Blake.
How does Carmen fit into this. Why would she encourage your sister in law to let those fake headlights go viral knowing that they would land in your junk mail?”
“I don’t know if I wanna talk anymore Spyder Woman. I like you in the sense that you differ from that salty crowd in there. But truth of the matter is this. You’re a fresh water fish and we all know what happens to a fresh water fish that gets tossed into a big salty Sea. I will give you one clue however. I know the real reason those fake headlights went viral high beaming EVERYBODY. It all has to do with an outgoing text I sent just two days before.”
Debra couldn’t resist but cut in. “And what’s that Big Bad Bob?”
“It has to do with part 1 of a book I secretly wrote and never told anybody for years. They tried to accuse me of writing it in a Virginia mental institution but I vehemently denied it.”
They both pressed me. They wanted answers. “What’s the name of 150
A Secret Spyder Verse the book? You ghost write it?”
“Can’t answer that. But I can say this much. Both Elvis and Angry Bird were in the cover. Now ladies, I think we grew up in similar times for us all to know the truth. What was that saying they always taught us back in our day? Ah yes I remember now.
Embrace yourself folks! Elvis has not yet left the building!”