Chapter Three
How bad is my existence? Everyday I think that if I killed myself it would be a wonderful release. What stops me, am I afraid?
Yes.
Of death? No.
“Then what are you afraid of?” Karma asks.
“I am afraid I will be punished for killing myself.” I say.
I hear Karma again, “What do you think the punishment will be?”
“More life.” I say in response. Karma is not on-line but his questions are still appearing on the screen. I am not backing down this time, it’s him and me, and someone is coming out the winner tonight!
“More Life? I gotta hear this. Atleast make an attempt to explain yourself!” The connection with Karma is so strong now that my fingers are typing of their own accord.
NOTE: At this point I start telling myself why I am afraid of living a longer life. I am actually thinking about it for myself, no one else is around. It’s just me and my computer. I am typing away as I think. I have to type it because if I don't then I will forget the entire logic behind what I am saying. That is, if there is any logic behind it at all. You can decide for yourself if there is. I am open to constructive criticism. Maybe you can be the one to tell me to seek help. Because, for all I know I may be crazy. Anyhow, this is the explanation that came for the previous question:
If I kill myself I am afraid that the universe will punish me by making my life longer next time.
Why would this be a punishment?
Because life sucks!
What sucks about it?
My whole past!
But your past is not your life.
Of course it is, everything I have ever done has been difficult. It has gotten me more and more behind, more and more unloved, and more and more forgotten.
Maybe so, but that is not your life.
Why not? I lived it. It has been my life and it's not getting any better!
There is your problem.
What?
When you just said, "It is not getting any better.
" Have you looked at my life lately?
Yes, I have been with you all along.
You have?
Of course I have.
Damn sure wish you could help me.
That's exactly what I said.
What do you mean "That's exactly what I said?"
When I was living the life you are living now. That is exactly what I said. “Damn sure wish you could help me.”
You mean you have actually experienced what I am experiencing now for yourself?
Yes of course; if I hadn't do you truly think you could experience it?
Well, why wouldn't I be able to experience it if you hadn't?
Because I am all there is, all there ever was, and all there ever will be. You are simply a part of me. In fact, if you didn't exist I could never look back and remember from whence I came.
So I am more or less your memory? Am… living in your wake, so to speak.
Precisely. More or less.
Okay, forget it! You’re getting me off the topic. I was saying my whole past sucks because it has been hard. There are things in my life that I swore never to forget because no matter what I don't want to live them over again. They were THAT bad! I don't want to die because I don't want to be reincarnated and have to go through that shit again. I don't! I won't! I can't.!
Then why do you kill yourself every day?
What do you mean?
You know what I mean!
Okay, okay, the pills right?!
Yes, and not only the pills it’s the drinking, the stress, and the bad foods you eat. The horrible way you punish yourself needlessly and the way you let others talk to you like they know more than you do. The way you let yourself be looked down upon!
That is ALL killing me?
Oh yes! You think if you rid the world of yourself it will be a better place? No! Well, maybe. But truly- I think I might as well die sooner than later because if I do have to live it all over again I would rather live a shorter sucky life. And maybe do some good for this world by getting out of the way.
So you are willing to die, and relive the things you fear the most, just as long as you don't have to live long after you get through those hard times? That sounds crazy to me.
Well, when you say it that way it does sound a bit wrong. I just repeated what you told me!
Okay! So what, am I crazy?
No, that's the good news. You might think you're crazy- sitting in front of your computer typing two parts of a dialogue, but you're not. Many have done the same thing before like Neale Donald Walsh for instance, as well as Keith Blanchard.
So if I am not crazy, what's the deal?