Chapter Four
You are simply outsourcing your emotional baggage.
And that is okay?
Perfectly normal, at least you're not taking it out on someone else.
I guess you're right there. But I always believed that the only way to get to live a happy life was to somehow feel happy all the time. In the past my teachers have told me- “Fake it till ya make it.”
And they were right.
But you just said......
I just said that it was perfectly normal to outsource your emotional baggage. I said nothing about NOT being happy all of the time.
But if I am writing things like this down, it is coming from a place of negativity isn't it? I didn't feel happy last night when I started writing this stuff.
Again that was your past. That is not your life. How do you feel now? Okay, I guess a little frustrated- with you! Other than that I am actually happy.
Ha Ha HA! Very well, that is perfectly okay, because I can take all you have to give, anything you can throw at me. “Hit me with your best shot”- as Pat Benatar would say.
So let me get this straight, it is okay to be angry with you, just not others?
Be angry with anyone you want, I don't care. But if you are truly trying to 'Fake it till ya make it' it might not be in your best interest to express that to others. So if you have to, find another way to outsource that emotion like writing it down. Or if you must, take it out on me. Where are you trying to make it to by faking it anyhow?
To the perfect happy life- always feeling happy, always feeling good about myself, and always feeling good about those around me for starters.
That is very honorable.
Thank you.
So what is stopping you from being that?
My negative emotions are.
I thought you said you were happy right now?
I am.
Then what is stopping you?
Right now what is stopping me?
Yes.
Nothing I guess. Well, I could use a few things.
You could use a few things, for what? To make you happy? I thought you just said you were happy.
I did but, I mean in the future I could use a few things- the near future.
Even the near future is not your life son.
What do you mean? First the past is not my life, and now the future is not my life?
Not the near future.
Why not the near future? And if not the past and not the near future then what is MY LIFE? Please, you tell me.
I will tell you this: I know the near future is not your life, because I can see it. I know that life is of me, only grand, glorious me. Life is, and always will be complete. In fact, so complete that by definition alone, it needs nothing. You on the other hand say that there are some things you can use. So regarding what you have said, and the near future that I see, consequently from that I can without a doubt say, "It will not truly be your life." In fact, your near future could not be life at all because it lacks life's definition.
So define LIFE again.
Life needs or lacks nothing, it is always complete. If it were not complete in having all it needed, it would cease to be.
Wait a minute now! So you are saying because I say, "I could use some things," I am taking away the true meaning of life?
Precisely, life is what you make of it. Indeed, life is what you make it. So it is wrong of me to need something?
I didn't say it was WRONG, but in the context you are using yes, it is. Only because you are seeking at this point, the means to live the life you've always wanted. Indeed the life (whether you know it or not) that you've always had. It simply will not be in your best interest to recognize a want when the time comes of your remembrance (and it is here right now if you choose not to let it go) because in the act of wanting something you are admitting that this thing that you want, you do not already posses.
But I don't have it right now that’s why I would want it in the first place!
To be happy?
No, because I already am I guess.
Right!
But that feels like a lie!
Is it?
You tell me!
I can't.
Why not? It seems you have the answers to all the questions so far.
Ha ha ha... Oh, you are so confused aren't you?
No, I know exactly what the answer is.
Precisely, because...
I AM the one with the answers. I have been the one with the answers all along.
Yes.
Then what do I need you for?
You don't.
Then why am I typing this?
Because you are seeking to become what you have always known you are, and because others DO need me.
You mean others that may read this?
Yes, and others that you may speak to of it, and yet others that they may speak also of it. Some people are like a boulder poised atop a hill just waiting for a breeze to come along and offer the gentle push that they need. All things are simply a bundle of energy that you call POTENTIAL.
Potential?
Potential Energy. What, you didn't think that the heavens and the Earth could be created from nothing did you?
Well, I have tried to figure that one out for myself on several occasions.
And?
Okay, okay maybe I did.
You did what?
I figured it out.
So tell them!
But what if I am wrong?
Does it really matter at this point? You are already typing what some would call a schizophrenic book for the world to see.
I guess your right.
So tell them.
Okay! My theory was this: That in the beginning of course there was nothing, just empty space. Not even empty space but simply an idea like a thought in your head. A thing, a noun, as some would say nouns include a person, place, thing, or idea. And this THING, this noun, this IDEA, was made up of something that I call POTENTIAL. Potential energy, the one thing that is not, but can become. I quite reasonably assumed to myself, based on the fact that energy can neither be created or destroyed, only transferred into different forms of energy, , that if this potential energy was based on the same guidelines as our thoughts they could “become.”
Based on fact by example, thoughts are also potential. Let me elaborate -Askyscraper for instance was once no more than a thought in a man’s head, until one day through ingenuity, focus, belief, and determination it came into being. Then it would be reasonable for this potential idea, that started as only potential to manifest, to also take form through time, focus, belief, and determination as a transfer of energy from potential to kinetic (in a sense). Much like the boulder poised atop a hill. The boulder holds potential for movement and momentum, it simply lacks the slight push of an invisible force like the wind to change the form of the energy.
Is that it?
Basically yes. So from seemingly nothing, besides potential, comes something by only a change in the form of energy. Like a rope that is burning, and the rope holds up a pendulum ready to swing after the last strand is whisked away by the flame.
Now people will ask you, who started the fire?
Okay be a critic why don't ya’.
Well what will you say?
I haven't thought about it.
That is not an excuse give it a shot, you are coming from the right place. Okay here goes. Well, I figure in the beginning, this 'nothing' would begin somewhat like the mind of a child. First not knowing anything, and eventually starting to toy with different ideas until finally a single first word is muttered. Perhaps the first idea that this POTENTIAL energy would take the form of would be an awareness that it was growing.
You stopped.
Because I am forming an image of a baby growing in the womb and thinking of when the baby is born and opens it eyes on the world for the first time.
Wow! You are so close to a complete understanding! That is pretty good! I honestly wasn't expecting that pure of an image from you at your age.
Hey come on I have seen my share of crazy stuff!
Don't take that as a blow. I do not discriminate what I originate. It was simply a very pleasing thing to see what you termed 'my wake' growing exponentially behind me. It makes for a very optimistic future though many in your world would disagree at this point.
About what, an optimistic future?
Yes, but that is another subject entirely. Let us stay on point. So you see creation from the nothing much like the conception of children?
Yes.
Well let me help you out a bit here so that those out there who are having trouble understanding it all can paint a clearer picture.
Okay shoot.
What did I disappoint you?
No, I mean shoot as in go right ahead.
Oh, alright then. It is like this: let us assume that the first idea potential took the form of a man, simply the thought of a man. Now of course, this idea would have no physical shape, it would simply be a thought- much like when you think of that new car you want. You can't see it anywhere around you at the time, but you can picture it clear in your head. Now this idea, man, for instance comes with some consequences. For man to exist there would have to be a stable environment to support him like the Earth. There would have to be a method in which he came into being- evolution or God creation. Also, there would have to be food to sustain him and woman to conceive him, plus activities to keep him busy. Indeed, there would have to exist an infinite array of possibilities just for man to comprehend infinity, which man can do. Now we say that in the beginning this idea could have been man, but it is much more like this to be right on target: The first idea in the potential is ness was 'A Being who can comprehend infinity'. Thus from this Beings' MIND, infinity sprung. You can picture the light of everything in the universe simultaneous dimming on at this same time and the collision of each photon packet being the thing that keeps the infinite array of ideas separate. So in a nutshell, the physical is ness you perceive comes from the mind of a man born in the nothing of potential. An imaginary man to make the long and short of it. I know, confusing.
So we are simply the thought of what COULD be if the universe ever were?
I like that. That is another way to put it, I guess. Though that does make it sound a bit less beautiful. Dumbing things down a little though, is often times the only way to get a message across.
Okay one more thing though.
Yes?
You said, "He would need a woman to conceive him." Does this mean woman came first, before man?
From an evolutionary standpoint? Yes. But this is why religions of old had the Gods and the Mother Goddess. Everything physical you see rushed forth from the mind of man, or woman, depending on who you are, at once.
But you just said woman came first!
From an evolutionary standpoint. This is the major problem today in the understanding of religions, metaphysics, spirituality, and science. There is more than one way to do anything. No two of my children find their way home by the same path, but they all make it home, I guarantee it. It is like this: How do you know what lies beyond your furthest star? Your most powerful telescope can see the light of the furthest star in its power range, but how do you know another star exists beyond that?
Because every time we make a more powerful telescope there always is one.
Is there?
Of course!
Well maybe that star was never there until you built the means to see it. Maybe your building that telescope created the possibility of that stars existence.
I see now.
How do you know a world existed prior to your coming to it?
Well because my parents are here and my grandparents and history books, etc.
How do you know that your coming here didn't create the possibility of those things? Did you ever stop and think that maybe those things were simply potential before you needed them?
I see what you mean. Wow, I really think I am starting to get it!
You got it a long time ago admit it.
Okay, I knew all along. But I do sometimes forget. Hearing it again does make me feel a whole lot happier about being alive though, and a whole lot less afraid of death. Besides, gimme a break I was trying to be on the same wavelength of some of those who might read this junk one day.
Junk! Hahahaha. I am glad you can take this with a light and humble heart. It means I picked the right person to write it.
Thank you.
You are welcome. For those of you who read this I hope you can see the importance of really knowing how much you have actually played a part bringing yourself to life. It was no easy task! If you remembered the years and years you spent creating yourself thus far, I tell you, you would never ask for another thing again. You would simply be thankful for how far you have come believe this.
That's it! That was that point in my life I decided I didn't want to ever have to die and live this whole thing over again, because to forget all that I had achieved in creating this to begin with was so astronomical. It was so amazing that for weeks I had this feeling that anything was possible. I figured to myself that if it is possible for me to spring forth from nothing, then anything else I wanted to achieve would be a cakewalk.
Yes you did, and you reasoned quite correctly too.
It was quite amazing, that time of my life. I REALLY did feel HAPPY and THANKFUL all the time didn't I?
Yes, and can you remember what you were doing at that time of your life?
Yes, I can. I was working as a 3rd shift cook at Waffle House.
Good, so what does that tell you?
Well, for starters I guess it means that no matter where you are working you can be happy. No offense to Waffle House, I loved that job.
I seem to remember you loving everything at that point in your life.
You're right I did. All I ever did was talk to people about how wonderful life was. I learned so much about the workings of the universe, and felt like I shared a real connection with you, like I do now. In fact, I wrote down something everywhere I went. People would actually come to Waffle House just to see what crazy stuff I was going to, all of a sudden, write down on a napkin or to-go bag. I was the Waffle House guru!
So you DO remember? You were an inspiration, a joy to be around.
It's all coming back to me. I lived in a suburban lodge and walked to work everyday because I had let some kid on the street move into my apartment so he would have a place to sleep. He stole my car while I was sleeping and wrecked into the back of a truck to return the favor. I didn't have insurance on it, and so never even got to drive it myself. That plus I lost my apartment because my roommate never got a job like he said he would and THAT ruined my credit. Which got me fired from my 40K+ a year job as a Quiktrip manager.
But that wasn't your life.
It was my past.
Now you’re getting it. And you would do best to not let your past influence the way you look upon life even now.
I understand.
Do you?
Well, I think so. I am sure there are those reading this that still need clarity though.
Tell them about the book you were going to write.
The book? Ah yes, the book I didn't write.
I wouldn't say that. You are writing it now, this very instant.
Wow! Okay, so one night at Waffle House I had this connection wash over me, just like right now. But this was very strong, overwhelming. So overwhelming I stopped cooking and sat down in the back of the kitchen, got out a pen and a receipt book and began to write down what was coming through me onto it- notation, just like this. Directly after I wrote the sentence, "All that matters is this book" in big bold letters, something hit me, an idea.
Let me interrupt. You must understand that when you feel such a strong connection to the creator you feel the creative power of the source. And feeling this, and believing this power to be true beyond all doubt, makes creation very easy.
Yes yes. Anyway- The idea that hit me was this: If I wrote this book for the entire world to see, and if it could possibly be the thing that would change the world into the utopia I had always dreamed of, then it was also possible that the book that the world needed had already been written. I didn't even NEED to write it, and I knew it was true. The connection I felt, and the anxiety of writing the book at that very moment settled. I crumbled up the pad, threw it in the trash and I went back to cooking.
Why did you throw it away?
Because I didn't want to look at it, to tell you the truth it scared me.
Feeling a supreme connection to the source can be scary if you are not sure exactly what it was. If you are not careful and positive when it happens, your fear can lead you to some pretty dark places.
Is that why I think that when people have panic attacks they are feeling that same connection?
That is precisely right. You had that experience when you saw that vision you are always trying to forget.
Yes, I thought so. The world literally exploded out from me and then collapsed on me.
That is something you can share later. I think we both know what that experience was.
So back to your story- was that all?
Almost, that night when I went home the lights were still out. It was late and I was alone. I felt that sensation coming back and there was no one around to comfort me, to reassure me I was okay.
What did you do?
Well this was the third time now that it had hit me, and I remembered what I had written on that pad. The last words before I had written 'All that matters is this book'.
And?
My body felt like I had explained my way out of existence. Like I had lost all faith in humanity, like I was dialing out.
Okay, so how did you stop it!?
I reassured myself with those final words that you had spoken me. You had me write, and at that point you had meant you were with me. But the words were, "I AM HERE." But as I uttered them to myself over and over I realized that I was here. That I could look around, even my dark room, and reassure myself that I was here and there was no where else to go. With each chant, the feeling fell away until I completely came to grips with the fact that I was literally scaring myself to death because of this lack of my faith. It was lack of faith in myself, which lead me to find faith in you, and Faith in everyone else.
That is beautiful, but that's not the big ending is it?
Not in the slightest. The craziest part is that the very next day when I showed up to work one of the waitresses came up to me with a book. "Here." Nancy says. "My brother gave this to me a long time ago and I have never even read it. I just thought it sounded like something you could be interested in." My mind immediately went back to the night before. A book! And not just any book a dust covered tome it was! I opened up the front cover. Scribbled inside was faded ink pen that read, "To Nancy, with all my love," I flipped nervously to the middle of the pages and before my eyes in Big Bold Letters was the words, "I AM HERE!" The very words I had been writing down on that pad the night before. It was a miracle! The book was called, "Conversations with God- An uncommon dialogue" -By Neale Donald Walsh.Here it was and it was already written!
That is a very good story.
Thank you, but it is a true story.
Yes, I was there remember?
Of course, I knew for sure then. Come to think of it, I believe my connection really began to fade more and more after that until I had only fleeting glimpses of your presence.
This is very true from your perspective. But I never really left your side. You just didn't need me for awhile.
Of course I did! How could you even say that? Doesn't every one need God?
Oh so now I'm God?
Oops. I think you lead me right into that one. You make me seem so unthankful. Like I just put you on the shelf after you've done what I needed you for, and then when things get bleak I cry out for help. Then you always step into save the day.
Isn't that what you do?
Maybe so, but you don't ALWAYS step in to save the day! You don't always ask me too.
Bullshit!
I love you too.
See there you go again trying to play the good guy. Would you rather me play the bad guy?
No.
Then shut up.
What? You can't tell me to shut up!
You wrote it.
I guess I did huh? I told you this stuff is for the crazies. Let me say I am sorry for all that. Now don't everyone go and think that GOD is a -know–it- all, smart-ass now that I.....
Don't give them that crap. I may be that to a lot of people! Some people need me to be a certain thing to live their lives and grow closer to me. Individuals can exist on separate levels of closeness to me. It doesn't make them bad or good.
I know that- I just didn't want to give them the wrong idea.
I know. But you truly don't always ask me to step in and you don't want me to. It is your job here to learn to do that for yourself, and to help yourself, and to be independent. Grant it, you ask for me to step in for some things and sometimes you beg me to! But I will not. I will however be there for you when you fall. I will be there for you when you're alone. I will be there to pick you up when there is no other way. I will be there to keep you safe within my walls of being. Until, of course, you choose to make your own boundaries.