Chapter Twenty Eight
SO….
Yes?
Has been awhile huh?
It has, have you been relaxing?
Relaxing yes, and maybe enjoying myself.
Oh yeah? Why the sudden change?
Change?
Yes, change. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?
I KNEW YOU WOULD! And you’re not the only one! I went to my work today to check my schedule and eat some lunch. When I walked up to the counter, the cashier recognized me and said, “Oh it’s just you, you’re nobody.” And I said, “That’s the reason I have had no self esteem for the past ten years! Because that is what I have been telling myself!” and then we laughed together. Afterwards she looked at me and said, “Wow, you look so different today!”
I bet you look different to a lot of people, including yourself!
You can say that again, but please don’t!
Are you going to tell us what has happened to you?
It sounds crazy!
Of course it does! So did the beginning of the book when you said you think about killing yourself everyday!
You got me there! Only fitting, I suppose, to go out as I came in. So go ahead. I will hold your hand.
You already are! That is what is so crazy and beautiful at the same time! I have already told you this, but again, Thank you God! Okay here goes, so there I am at work when my manager, Claire informs me that there was a robbery last night at the Sonic fast food joint next door. She tells us not to go out after dark. Keep in mind that this was the very same day that I published the first version of this book and finally realized that I may actually make a bunch of money! Further more, before she mentioned the robbery I had met an important person in my life, and the whole day it had seemed like things were just falling into place. I thought that maybe, just maybe, my luck had finally turned around. Following her speech about the robbery, I realized that if my luck really hadn’t turned around at all then maybe the robbers would come here that night and I may just end up getting shot trying to save someone! It would be my luck since I was on the brink of success!
You have problems!
No kidding! I had a panic attack! I really thought I was going to die to the point that I couldn’t think, I couldn’t work! I acted sick so no one would think I was crazy, lest they call the funny farm, another bad outcome! They told me to relax a minute. So I went to the restroom to be alone. I looked into the mirror at myself and remembered something about ninja training. The grandmaster test by Masaaki Hatsumi is to sit in front of him facing away with eyes closed. He is poised behind you with a bladed sword in the air. With all of his deepest darkest emotions of hate he brings the blade down to kill you! If you FEEL the impending doom and roll away in time you pass, if not, Death! At this point I realized something astounding. I am a ninja! This is it! I can pass the grand master test! Someone is going to rob this place, and I know it because I can sense impending doom! At that moment, a feeling unexplainable entered my body, and I began to glow! The glow was overwhelming. I couldn’t see my own face beyond the light in the mirror. I did know one thing though. A blade was coming down at me, and I had better roll.
The next thing I knew, I was watching in the mirror as I realized I was one with God. That God had literally reached out and touched me! I raised my hands up in praise and thanks and, not caring if anyone heard me, I blurted out, “God’s A TRIP!” and started laughing.
I felt it was GOD rewarding me for not being selfish, and showing the world that it is GOD, not me that is so amazing! Though we all are truly amazing! God IS the one who is responsible for this book!
Give yourself a little credit now!
Hahaahah! You can’t stand me playing the nice guy huh? I didn’t say that.
I know, but I told you that once, sorry.
Like I said before, “I can take it, all you have to give!”
I know me too, well now I can! So anyhow, continuing my story. So at this point my plan was to put a sick face back on, which was ironic sense this was the most amazing I had ever felt, and get sent home sick. So first, I told all of the employees that there would be a robbery that night. This way when it happened they would all think I was psychic or something and would go out and buy my book. Then, I was about to tell my manager I was going to leave. All of a sudden, I started panicking again! I thought, if I leave now and they remember I said they WOULD be robbed, they may, think I was tied to the robbery! I thought they would never believe me that I could tell the future, me helping in the robbery would be much more believable! I couldn’t decide what to do at this point, so I just tried to do my job but couldn’t, I was way too nervous again! It had seemed I backed myself into the corner of definitely having to stay and get shot! Then I remembered, “Laugh at it, and it has no power over you.” So I started laughing. The tickets were rolling in, and I wasn’t making anything! I couldn’t! My next thought was, “They are gonna think I’ve lost my mind! Maybe I have! I’m gonna end up in the funny farm, a laughing lunatic!”
Hahahahah! I remember watching you and thinking, “Been there, done that!”
You were laughing your ass off too, weren’t you?! Weren’t you?! You were weren’t you!
Heck yeah I was, wouldn’t you have would it have been me?
Indeed! I was laughing too, and it was me! Hahahahaha! But this was no joke, seriously! I was really scared.
It had to be done! Why?
You know why.
I know I just want everyone to hear it!
I had to literally ‘Scare the HELL right out of you’! Man that’s beautiful.
So what happened next?
Claire came up to the line and started helping on my side. Matt, which was on drive-thru came over and asked what I needed.
Now who is Matt exactly?
He was the one that was always telling me what to do, and I put in my three weeks notice as to not get him fired. I did end up telling Claire the deal, but only after Foster, a very hard worker, told me that he had a problem with Matt too, so me leaving really wouldn’t solve anything.
Okay, so go on.
When Matt asked me what I needed I put my hand on his shoulder and said, “Tell me what to do.”
Hahahahhaha
Yeah, right. Ironic, another, “Alanis Morisette” statement. He looked at me and could tell I was serious, though it pissed him off a little. He must have gotten the idea that I was playing dumb to show Claire that he was worthless or something, which wasn’t the case! So with my hand on his shoulder I said, “Matt, you can do this!” He burst into action on his side like I had never seen him work before. He was working his ass off!
You inspired him?
I guess, without even knowing it! Then I turned to Claire who was busy doing all of my work, “Claire.” I said, “I can help if you will just tell me exactly what to do.” She ignored me and stayed busy. “CLAIRE!” she turned and looked. “I NEED someone to tell me what to do.” I paused, then it just came out, “What I need is a wife!” She laughed and continued working. At that moment I felt that overwhelming glow coming back to me. I was with God again, and I looked up and thought to him, “Thank you God. I will never do what I believe in my heart is wrong again!”
Like trying to prove that you’re psychic? Being one among many, yes.
At that point you were absolved of your sins.
Yes, I knew it. As I looked around the kitchen and everyone was busy working I realized at that moment, I had been an asshole for the past ten years!
Don’t blame yourself for that, it is kind of my fault. In fact we are all assholes seeing as the first thing that forms on the fetus is the asshole. All things that go in must come out!
Hahaahahhaa. I’m telling a story okay, try not to interrupt. Okay, okay. Just was trying to help was all.
All the time I had been employed there working so hard, I wasn’t really helping anyone there. I was only stealing their jobs and making them miserable by making them think that I thought they were poor workers! Everyone was happily working. They were glad I had backed off for a minute. Plus I was making them laugh! I was a joy to be around again! Like when I worked at Waffle House all those years ago. It was back, and this time I was positive it was GOD. Not a drug, but GOD.
You knew it wasn’t a drug how?
I hadn’t taken anything! I haven’t smoked weed in over a year. Haven’t drank all day, and I still had a box of cough medicine in my pocket, like I always did ‘just in case,’ but hadn’t taken them.
So you made it though work.
Yes, and not only made it, but had the best day of my life! Everything seemed different from that point on. The flour easy to bread the chicken with, people easier to talk with, my whole job was just more joyful! I was actually thinking of everyone else before myself, but not because I thought I was less than them, rather because we all deserve to be treated fairly, like equally amazing as one another. This opened up new doorways that were hidden to me all along. Matt, told me his girlfriend’s parents are publishers and they only publish Christian books!
You would have never known if you had been looking at him like you had been all along, huh?
No! Then after work, I drove home the happiest I had ever been. Truly glowing! I thought of the movie, ‘Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium’ when she finds out in the end that she has the sparkle. When I arrived home my mom was sitting up. I walked in like normal and said, “Hey there.” She sensed my happiness right away, and in doing so immediately asked, “Are you on drugs?”
Hahahhaha! Go figure huh.
Exactly! It struck me as ‘just my luck’, but only for a moment. I then went into the present moment and did what was right in my heart, like I had promised GOD hours before. I sat down beside her and let the truth pour out, “Mom.” I said, “God came to me tonight at work.” She looked at me with horror, “Are you on drugs Jay? What are trying to do, lose your job?” so I reached into my pocket and pulled out the box of medicine throwing it at her feet. Then everything just came out without thought, “NO! I’M NOT ON DRUGS! BUT I HAVE BEEN ADDICTED TO THESE DAMN THINGS AND KILLING MYSELF FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS! THANKS FOR NOTICING!” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It kept coming, “I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO GOD MOM! MAYBE YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU READ MY BOOK!” She said, “You wouldn’t let me read it!” and I knew she was right, “BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WOULD JUDGE ME AND SAY I WAS MAKING IT UP! I HAVE BEEN KILLING MYSELF FOR OVER 10 YEARS AND NO ONE HAS EVER EVEN NOTICED! I HAVE BEEN ALONE MOM! DO YOU KNOW
HOW THAT FEELS? TO HAVE NO ONE TO SAVE YOU? AND THE ONLY PERSON THAT COMES TO YOU AND OFFERS A HAND IS GOD, AND IT’S ONLY AT A TIME WHEN FINALLY YOU HAVE DIECIDED THAT YOU WILL JUST LET IT ALL GO AND HOPEFULLY DIE?!” She started crying. She came to hug me. I started crying as she embraced me, “Please. Please. Don’t worry about me mom. My tears are not tears of sadness, but tears of joy.” She was speechless. “I have god in my life! I am free! For all these years I have thought I truly wasn’t worth a thing, even to the point that I took enough medicine to kill myself everyday hoping it might be my last. Knowing it may be my last day here is all that kept me selfless, and I thought if I stopped taking it then no one would like me for who I really was.” She backed away a bit but still held both of my arms as I told her my story of what happened at work. I told her about Denika Smallwood editing my book and sending it back to me in utter perfection. I told her how Denika had thanked me for my book and what it meant to her, and how her selfless act of editing it for me had showed me that I really was worth more than I thought. We stayed awake for hours discussing my book, and we laughed, and we cried, but our time together was nothing but joyful.
She asked me advice, and God, being with me, helped to provide it. The truth had set me free!
That is truly beautiful!
I cry every time I write about it! I even have tears in my eyes now.
Every time you write about it?
Yes, I have already had to type that story into three instant messengers with friends, and all I wanted to do was get it in this book! I finally had to sign out of AIM just to have time to finish this chapter!
Hahahahahah! At least they are tears of joy.
Tears from heaven, I love you.
I love you.