Chapter One
When I had my first run in with Karma he didn’t resemble anything that I had expected. He was a bit frail, had a few snaggly teeth, and he kept to himself. It wouldn’t be long until I found out first hand, that looks can be deceiving and, in turn, to never judge a book by its cover. I thought it would only be fitting to start this book the same way as it ends, since inevitably, that is what life does to us. It comes back around full circle.
In a moment I will share the conversation that I am carrying on right now with Karma, but first I would like to prepare you for it. This book is, for the most part, a dialogue between Karma and I. I will not bother putting in the names of who says what, after the first chapter, for the simple fact that it takes up too much space, and too much time. To get you warmed up though, I will share with you our current conversation that came to me just this night.
So here is the conversation, between Karma and I, that I am having this instant before I present the book to the public. Keep in mind that I am bringing this particular conversation to you direct from the horses mouth, no editing involved, no holds barred, THIS IS RAW MATERIAL ONLY, so the first chapter may be a bit explicit and messy. This first chapter is also copied straight from the internet chat window, so it reads more like a blog than a book. So, if you can’t stomach explicit material, or you are under the age of seventeen you may want to skip straight to the second chapter.
Jay Horne: Hell yeah dude! I just got home from an inspiring day at work, and came up with my New York Times Best Seller.
Karma: Very nice, I’m almost done reformatting the desktop computer and getting it set up to DJ again.
Jay Horne: sweet, I am going to be up all night, I can tell. I have to finish this book, it is going to make millions! Wanna know the title?
Karma: Hang on, I’m tired as hell, i need more coffee to type better, BRB(be right back).
Jay Horne: Okay, cool. BTW(by the way) I just sent you a funny email you gotta check it out
Karma: I’m back. you there?
Jay Horne: yes. and rocking and rollin' dude! This book is gonna be freagging awesome!
Karma: thats whats Up!
Jay Horne: I gotta go make a drink
Karma: me 2
Jay Horne: cool. BRB. bet I beat you. LOL(laugh out loud)
Karma: im back, LOL
Jay Horne: damn! No fair, I had to run all the way downstairs. LOL Karma: LMAO(laughing my ass off)
Jay Horne: so guess what im calling this bitch.
Karma: your dirty little whore?
Jay Horne: LOL. This book I mean. I’m using my old book. I am unpublishing it, renovating it, adding to it, changing the foreword, giving it a total overhaul. gonna finish it tonight. I learned something tonight that changed my life.
Karma: jebus, just like im overhauling the desktop Jay Horne: exactly. check out this statement. Karma: bring it.
Jay Horne: Always assume FIRST that someone is joking and then work from there. It keeps you from negatively judging people, and affecting your life in a negative way. what do you think?
Karma: I think I want to shake the persons’ hand that told you that, FINALLY, i know im not sorrounded by idiots
Jay Horne: It’s gonna be quite difficult seeing as God is the one who told me it.
Karma: well sunnovobitch
Jay Horne: So you want to know what the title is going to be? Im telling you it is the number one best seller! Is going to be.
Jay Horne: SO!? Ya want to know?
Jay Horne: ????
Karma: no, im waiting because i like the suspense
Jay Horne: LOL
Jay Horne: You’re killing me here! I haven’t got a chance to tell anyone yet!
Karma: ok, what is it?
Jay Horne: Phew. You see that’s exactly what I am talking about! Why must everything I do HAVE to be such a blasted chore!? LOL. aight, picture this book. The only thing on the cover is a Tie Dyed Smiley Face, ya know, like Bob Marley or Somethin’. And the title is this:
God’s A TRIP!
Karma: ‘Please Stop Talking”
Jay Horne: LOL
Karma: LMAO
Jay Horne: LOL
Karma: like your old T-shirt use to say!
Jay Horne: exactly! LMAO. ya think it will sell big?
Karma: I don’t know
Jay Horne: Hang on. I will send you the intro I just typed up, I figure that will be the place to capture the reader ya know.
Karma: am i in it?
Jay Horne: of course! My whole last book is in it. I am just adding to it, and republishing
Karma: dude!
Jay Horne: gonna be the one dude, i feel it. If i get some kinda check from this gig, I’m coming to get your ass and were going on a dang cruise or something!
To Amsterdam!
Karma: check this out, im an ordained priest in this, www.dudeism.com
Jay Horne: Ive seen it. You got ordained? LOL! Looking at it now. Karma: i got an e-mail from the Dudely Lama, i havent read it yet
Jay Horne: LOL! Whats your last name? I am going to search for you in his database. Bobby ?.. what Lure?
Karma: LMAO. my priest name is Karma
Jay Horne: LMAO
Karma: Karma is a Dudeist Priest. LMAO
Jay Horne: You got the same name as a guy with no arms and legs i met floating in the ocean. LMAO. Bob.
Karma: you got the same name as a guy i met that flipped off of walls
Jay Horne: I figured you were gonna take a shot at my Last name Horne.
Horn with an E. LOL
Karma: jebus kryst, my coffee is done
Jay Horne: heck yeah.
Karma: Hell, im Hagan, like pagan. I looked up my ancestry, im decendent of one of the 7 Irish Clans. Coffee tyme:)
Jay Horne: Me too. You wouldn’t believe me, but I am full blooded anglo saxon celtic. The same line as King Arthur. Both of my parents. Crazy.
Karma: right on, look up the Hagan Clan from Ireland in order for a family to reach “clan” status, they just be able to arm and mount 250 soldiers on horseback within one hour.
Jay Horne: hells yeah. I definetly can say I have seen the warrior in you. You are perhaps one of not many people who actually have worse luck than me!
Karma: i dont fight, i end things, muhuhuhahahaha
Jay Horne: And still laugh about it. LOL. That’s actually a pretty good battle statement that you got there. Ninja like.
Karma: lol, if i have to fight, i dont talk much
Jay Horne: i told you about my fastest way of ending a fight in the fewest moves right?
Karma: yes, the best fight won is the one where no moves are involved
Jay Horne: exACTLY! You have to be so dang smart, don’t you? But yes, never have it to begin with. .. The sweetest revenge is siiting on your porch playing with your grand children at a ripe old age when the other guy is rotting in jail or stabbed to death. You are definetly smarter than you look! LOL
Karma: LOL
Jay Horne: But so am I. People look at me and think WAY faster, THIS GUY IS A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR, than, This guy is too smart for his own good! LMAO
Karma: shit, i look like a stupid alcoholic prick, but, im really I’m a stupid alcoholic prick from earth. LOL
Jay Horne: LOL. I look like and talk like a bummed out surfer dude, who wouldn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground if it hit him in the face and was larger than the broad side of a barn! LMAO!
Karma: Dude, i worked in a kitchen with a navy seal!
Jay Horne: ‘WUZ Gonna be’ navy seal..... LOL
Karma: makin nunchucks outta spatulas
Jay Horne: LOL
Karma: I remember that time.
Jay Horne: I was going to show my manager that I could balance a knife on my head and she nearly fired me! LOL I was like, the same thing I tell women when they ask if i have an std. I say, “Have some faith baby!”
Karma: you should have done the “floating” paper ball trick!
Jay Horne: LOL! yeah, i tried the floating paper trick and my sister busted the string before I could start it! She actually saw the thread, as small as it was and thought I had a spider on me! So the trick didn’t get revealed, just I didn’t get to do it.
Karma: now that one had got me man!
Jay Horne: I know, that was great!
Karma: But, i was drunk and workin at o’briens, so go figure
Jay Horne: LOL Yeah, and I was high on cough medicine! Karma: LMAO
Jay Horne: LMAO! Awesome!
Karma: what was it, cefekyuoupmed?
Jay Horne: I can’t remember. One dude’s crazy enough to think someone would ACTUALLY believe he was floating a paper, and the other dude is drunk enough to believe it! LMAO! We ARE retards, but retards from earth. LOL
Karma: almost like a real life version of that movie called “waiting”
Jay Horne: yep. minus the batwing. LOL.
Karma: yeah, it was all chicken wings there, thank god
Jay Horne: My sister’s boyfriend was sitting around the table with my family and told us about how he only has one real nut.
Karma: that’s when you kick the nads.
Jay Horne: The other is prostectic, he said he picked out a yellow and blue one.
Karma: see which side he leans to.
Jay Horne: I told him, he should get a flashlight and do the bat wing just to see if they ripped him off or not! LOL
Karma: thats the real nut
Jay Horne: LMAO! He said, I’ll have to try that!
Karma: either pics or lies man, LMAO!
Jay Horne: No thank you. Call me a liar! LMAO! You know how you can see through thin stuff if there is light behind it
Karma: Crap, i need coffee, its been chillen
Jay Horne: cool.
Karma: 5 sec rule, and what happens after the 5 sec rule? The 10 sec rule!
Jay Horne: why, what are you eating? Karma: frumunda cheese. LMAO
Jay Horne: in obriens case, even after you accidentally step on it. I’m going to get a drink. BRB
Karma: it goes back in the fryer.
Jay Horne: yep. I tried doing that here and they yelled at me. LOL. I was like, “the 350 degree oil for 10 seconds will kill anything from the floor.” They are like, “no it wont.” I was like, “It will too. I know. I’ve Been doin' this for years and no ones died!” They didnt believe me. Go figure. So I just laughed my ass off. A little while after, I heard someone say to another, “we’re authors, we’re smart.” they didnt know i heard them.
Karma: remember the time i almost got busted for spittin on the douchebags burger, and it was the wrong order?
Jay Horne: LOL. You didn’t did you?
Karma: talk about shouted at!
Jay Horne: you did! Aw that’s wrong, why?
Karma: it was one of Scary Ann’s tables.
Jay Horne: LMAO! Now THAT makes definite sense!
Karma: no tip for you!
Jay Horne: LMAO. She was a freakin’ cunt huh? and drug others down with her!
Karma: dude, im surprised that girl had a cunt!
Jay Horne: That chick spent thousands on her face but still couldn’t get the stench of unsuccesfulness and Waffle House off of her!
Karma: LMAO. The stench of our wings hath permeated her existence.
LMAO
Jay Horne: Everytime i look at her I still see only one tooth, “the original product ya know, before the surgeries.” No offense to you Karma, your teeth are character. Just look back at Stacy’s Chris that she FinallY broke up with, Thank God. You met him didn”t you?
Karma: LMAO. Think so..
Jay Horne: What is funnier is that the two most importantly inspirational people in my life, Nancy, who gave me my first copy of ‘conversations with god’ and, Denika, my editor and friend, where both 3rd shift waitress at Waffle House! LOL. Go figure! Like Alanis Morisette says, “Isn’t it Ironic!”
Karma: dude, thats why my teeth ARE messed up, it’s to keep the bitches away!
Jay Horne: LMAO. exactly.
Karma: and it WORKS!!!
Jay Horne: that is exactly what you told me before.
Karma: wooohoooo
Jay Horne: I remember.
Karma: up 5 points for me!
Jay Horne: That’s how i know it’s true.
Jay Horne: LMAO and Mary Ann didn’t want a bit of you! I shoud try that!! I got scars on both of my eyes though, it does a pretty good job.
Karma: when i get dentures, im gonna get 2 sets, one normal, and the other set that will look exactly like a meth addicts’ mouth!
Jay Horne: OOOOHH shnap............LOL
Karma: Screwemall!
Jay Horne: I am going to eventually get those darn…. whatdya call em?
acrylics.?
Karma: dentures?
Jay Horne: implants. Vaneers. That’s it.
Karma: porcelain veneers!
Jay Horne: exactly. all the actors have em
Karma: the type that snap in and out.
Jay Horne: you really think their teeth are THAT white? nah. Karma: Heck, I could have a different screwed up tooth for every day of the week, throw a platinum in during the holidays:)
Jay Horne: the dentist drill into the hole where your root was and it taps it. So they can screw in replacements. Just like real teeth, replace your teeth with indestructible ones ya knoow? tight huh?
Karma: yeah, some snap in, others screw in.
Jay Horne: yeah, that is pimp. we are gettin some if this book sells.
Karma: like Jaws from james bond. LOL. LMAO
Jay Horne: never saw it. but sounds funny. Yeah I saw them when i paid to get that tooth pulled there just before i got fired and thought, “now that’s a good idea!”
Karma: but for real man, I’ve had baaad luck with women, its because im NOT ugly, so, i figured, in order to improve my luck in life, make something they will notice that is disgusting. Mission accomplished!
Jay Horne: LOL! At least you, too, can now say you’ve completed ONE thing in life as well!
Karma: LMAO
Jay Horne: After I saw them I went home and decided I would put whiteout on one tooth just to see how different i would look. It was Unreal! That was the worst decision i had made in a while. It dried instantaneously and I spent the next hour scraping it off, not pleasant!
Karma: good bye enamel! LOL
Jay Horne: LMAO! Exactly, i messed my front tooth up! LOL. You are a good friend, i am glad i met you. You are not judgemental at all and I truly believe that You come from kindness.
Karma: Heck no man, i cant be judgemental, if i was, id be just like everyone ive met in life that i dislike, which nearly covers everybody but the honest ones. Hey, im gonna try to call your pc.
Jay Horne: give it a shot.
Karma: ok