50.
the weight of lifelong mourning
cannot be overcome
by a sudden flash
of unexpected hope
sadness bore too long
can eat away a hole in one’s soul
which eventually steals away the body too
and do so with a secrecy
that is only exposed
once it’s too late
who would have guessed
the promised boon of two years
would dissipate within a matter of months
that when viewed in retrospect
the death of bakht
was a waning escort,
paving the way for her coming demise
with the slip of the leaves from the trees
and the petals’ drop from the flower stems
the night of layla
began to fade into an unseen dawn
she tried to masquerade her growing weakness
with the facade of a widow’s mourning
allowing her eyes of insomnia to be perceived as
eyes stained by the overflow of tears
for a husband lost
her loss of appetite became canvassed as
the penance of constant fasting
to brace her lamentations
her growing physical weakness was justified
as a rhythm slowed by a widow’s season of despair
but in her mind she could not hide
that her more measured breaths
and weakening heartbeat
weren’t the fruits of bearing bakht’s death
this was something different and more profound
stained with a touch of finality
this became confirmed
when the angel of death
began to visit her daily
each stay becoming longer
and a little too familiar
until death was no longer a stranger
one could even say
death became her acquaintance,
almost a friend
such that the sun’s light
now seemed more reminiscent to her
and the far reaches of the sky’s depth
now felt no more distant
than the extended reach of her arm
her words began to yield more often to silence
because there were things that needed to be
left unsaid
since the only person who would fully
understand them
was someone she now felt she would never
see again
at least not in this world
so she summoned her mother to her bedside
to confess the secret so many knew
some of whispers among the gossip
had to be validated as true
she owed at least that much to majnuun
even if it sullied the honor
of how she would be remembered
“oh mother dearest,
bear testimony of my frail passing breaths
for too long has a canker bled the depths
of my heart
my soul diseased, my body now ebbing away
these words i must leave as my witness
before the glass holding my spirit shatters
“i loved no man in the whole of my life
other than qays,
my precious majnuun
it was for him alone that all my tears were shed
and for him alone that i held to this life
with any hope
it was for him alone that i have lived this life
full of despair
and it is for him alone that i now die
i am his alone,
always have been,
always will be
“when the air of my breath moves no more
you must see to it that i am dressed as a bride
let my corpse be prepared for a celebration
not the melancholic blandness of the grave
let my hair be combed, my skin oiled
the fragrance of the rose rubbed upon my neck
drape my face with an elegant bridal veil
instead of a shroud of death
and dress me in red
to show how i passionately lose my life
for a cause not yet fulfilled
be sure to make my appearance beautiful
for the one i know who will come
“after i am buried in the earth
let there be an unimpeded path
from the desert to my grave
a path unguarded
and no one is to bar him
or impede upon his right
to have private audience with me there
you must see that no one approaches him
or even says to him a word
let us have at my grave
the night of the honeymoon
denied our living breaths”
there was silence
as the daughter and mother shared one last cry
yet as she began to settle
into the dusk of becoming a corpse
her life force revived once more
to proclaim the wishes of one last desperate breath
“oh mother
you must tell him for me
that as i died i raged into death
thinking only of him
that his madness for me has always been
my insanity for him
and yet that has been
the only peace for me
in this cruel world
“tell him i have taken the insanity with me
beyond this world
so he can now be free with the peace that remains
and live!
my soul now has no other purpose
than to watch over him with love
wherever you are
wherever you will be, my beloved
know that layla is there”
and with that,
her own breath seized itself within her
her body shook
her eyes flashed in a panic turned inward
her mother grabbed her
trying to hold her soul within her body
but that only caused her lifeless body to emit
“oh qays...
oh majnuun...”
then the collapse was final
her eyes closing to never open again
her lips parched as the last of her warmth
slowly exhaled to a cooling numbness
such that when the sun had set
leaving a darkness waxing underneath the full moon
the angel of death came to kiss her lips shut
and imprint the seal of stillness
upon her once beating heart
the angel then banished all remaining air from
her body
and wove away the limberness of life
to leave a stiffening, inanimate frame
from which all traces of the living layla
would slowly fade away
the body of layla was now dead
irreversibly treading its decay
to dust
it is said
she died wearing a smile within her sadness
a last relief within her drowning melancholy
that is what is said
but i have no way of knowing
if this is true
or part of the fabricated legend spun
❍ ● ❍