Book II: Deliberate Randomization
Poem/Poema #41 (Love/Amor)
The Messenger
All my life I have been looking for my life.
I have been through hell and back,
but have finally reached my wife.
The hardships I have faced,
were a breeze compared to what I must now face.
The man in the mirror has now become my biggest rival.
He is my worse enemy in this game called survival.
But my Father is now completely by my side.
He simply asked for a favor so that I do not subside.
He asked me to be a messenger and expose his words.
I enjoy doing so for I know that they are more powerful than swords.
I wish you could see him as I do.
His smile fills you up and he shows you what to do.
His warmth all over your body shows you that he is there,
and when you feel Fear, He’ll ALWAYS Be Here.
All you have to really do is talk to Him from the heart,
and no matter where you are in life, He’ll try to teach you a lesson from the start.
Written on: May 5, 2005
Dedicated to: Elisabeth
Adorado Padre Mió,
Realmente no sé como decirle a veces el gran amor que le tengo…
Por eso el Señor me dijo que le escriba esto.
Espero tenerlo respirando hasta la infinidad,
Pero sé que nuestro Padre algún día lo va ha querer a su lado.
Solo quiero que sepa que Ustedes siempre me darán fuerzas para seguir luchando un día más.
Gracias por todo,
Christian G. Ulloa
Poem/Poema #42 (God/Dios)
Mis Dos Padres
Durante mi vida descubrí que tuve dos padres.
El uno sobre mí, y el otro a través de las paredes.
Cuando era un niño no vi a ninguno de los dos.
El uno por las nubes y el otro en el teléfono escuchando su voz.
Recuerdo que les sentía demasiado lejos de mi.
Pero siempre supe que algún día se iban acercar a mí.
En mi juventud por desgracia les llegue a detestar.
Pero con mis años al fin les llegue a adorar.
Ambos me han inspirado más allá de tu imaginación.
Y he luchado fuerte por ellos con mi aspiración.
Sé que no me creerías si te digo que les hablo todos los santos días.
Hasta cuando no están a mi lado en mis noches frías frías.
Hoy que al fin llegue ha ser un hombre de corazón,
sé que si no fuera por ellos, mi vida no tuviera razón.
Written on: May 5, 2005
Dedicated to: Galo L. Ulloa (Dad)
“As she showed me her artwork across the wire, I knew exactly why she drew what she did.”
Poem/Poema #43 (Love/Amor)
Broken Heart
As my new love briefly exposed her unknown skill across the mountain,
for a fraction of a second I saw her love for me and the cause of her pain…
The word "FUCKER" righteously stood next to her broken heart,
that is when I saw the reason why she fell apart…
Maybe my mind was playing tricks again - just like my fate,
but the letters showed me just how much she is capable of hate…
Until this day I thank my Father for revealing what he whispered in her drawings.
Because for an instant I finally saw her true love:
The words I LOVE YOU right next to my white dove.
Written on: May 5, 2005
Dedicated to: Elisabeth
xo LiZ xo *and u tremble,quiver,panic and shake...but feel so blessed to finally be awake says:
“thats 1 thing i always hated about myself, the fact that i come off so wrong on people sometimes,
just because they have to fucken study my face so hard. and i know its common for anyone to judge
someone on something such as a frown...but i didn't think it was like that wit you. guess i was wrong”
Te Extraño bc ur so Beautiful. But more importantly: you're the only woman that I would get an A+ for on
life's Ultimate Test:♥ says:
“dont hate urself for it baby................ it's you!!!! .... you are created that way -- plz hear me out on
this one........... u'r beautiful (i can express that enough)........ and beautiful ppl who are nice (or look
nice - as in an emotion) ...... get hurt used a lot!!!!! ppl value them for their beauty , not their heart
and soul....... in conclusion....... simply reread my msn name”
Poem/Poema #44 (Love/Amor)
Defense Mechanism
Everyone is born with certain disabilities,
But God offers them super capabilities.
It is up to us to find them, use them, and cherish them,
For both types are created to evolve them.
When you are lucky enough to find your gift,
You will feel an emotion similar to a lift.
One must use it wisely and with a lot of caution,
For it can be used for evil with the right persuasion.
Whether your virtue is to sing or to design a prism,
Use it only for the good or as a defense mechanism.
Written on: May 4, 2005
Dedicated to: Elisabeth
“I had my doubts, but when I heard the sincerity in her voice… I was sure.”
Poem/Poema #45 (Love/Amor)
Liquid Glass Exit
Last night you made me the happiest man on earth.
I learned a valuable life lesson with you that I will cherish forever.
… last night you taught me How to Trust You!
Written on: May 4, 2005
Dedicated to: Elisabeth
“I felt her pain… I immediately felt her pain. I knew I was mistaken and that she truly had a heart. And I loved her even more.”
Poem/Poema #46 (Love/Amor)
Deliberate Randomization
Tonight I hurt your healing heart without intention.
By saying something that immediately set off your frustration…
As I typed out my explanation,
I couldn’t wait to observe your reaction…
When you told me about your desperation,
I realized that there really was an explanation...
The one word that tears your heart apart,
tonight of course I ended up being that one retard…
Now I hope you know that I really didn’t mean it,
especially since I didn’t know how deeply you would feel it…
I feel like I know you now more than ever,
and this warmth inside of me can assure you that it is forever…
Are you still wondering why I picked those words as a title?
A detailed description is next, though you may need to read a little…
Deliberate Randomization defines what God is thinking,
when He creates us soul mates so we begin searching…
Because the greatest gift of all is the day we find each other,
and finally begin the process of loving one another.
Written on: May 3, 2005
Dedicated to: Elisabeth
Poem/Poema #47 (Love/Amor)
The Test
Today I realized that life truly is a series of tests.
If you do well on them, you’ll find yourself amongst the best.
As a college student, I encountered many exams.
But as a man, the satisfaction feels so much better than when you cram.
For our lives contain different types of lusts,
which devour on our happiness, family, and our trust.
But one test I have been waiting for all my life,
is the one where I must face myself to keep my wife.
Surprisingly, God has told me not to be the least bit nervous,
and that his love for me was created to be contagious.
I tell you now that when I look into her eyes:
I find that I would kill myself again before I told her any lies.
Written on: May 2, 2005
Dedicated to: Elisabeth
Poem/Poema #48 (Life/Vida)
Note to Self
Take life and all of its situations
day by day.
Don’t come to
conclusions
by yourself.
Your mind plays games.
Your heart does not.
Real truth emerges eventually.
Trust your instincts and Have lots of Patience.
Written on: May 2, 2005
Dedicated to: Elisabeth
“How did you know that that was my favorite part of the movie?”
“Because you said so. And kept rewinding it over and over again.”
Poem/Poema #49 (Love/Amor)
Liar
I lied to you from the moment I met you.
I'm sure that sometimes you felt it too.
I lied to you about never stealing your cigarette lighter.
I only wanted you to know that I was so much brighter.
I lied to you about the taste of your lips.
Worse yet, I lied about all of our future trips.
I lied to you about staying in my heart and in my head,
Even if I never mentioned that I missed you even at the tanning bed.
I lied to you about the color of your eyes.
I can't believe you fell right through all of my lies.
I lied to you about this pain I feel inside,
when you aren't lying right here by my side.
I lied to you when I said that you were like my white dove.
And my biggest lie of all is that I never lied about any of the above.
Written on: April 27, 2005
Dedicated to: Elisabeth
“I am color blind. I did not know this until I went to my high school biology class… All
my life, I saw a green traffic light as pure white light.”
“You don’t see even a LITTLE blue?”
Poem/Poema #50 (Love/Amor)
Green Eyes
Inside the digital window you looked better than money,
little did I know that you would taste much like honey…
Your lips on our first night together never left my mind,
and now all I want is to be for you is more than kind…
The one thing that intrigued me the most in the past from what I had seen,
is that when I looked at you, your face was pale and your eyes were green…
But now that I have finally met you in the flesh,
I feel so bad that I cannot press refresh…
For my eyes saw something last night that I never knew about you:
The thing I'll remember most is that everyone else sees your eyes as blue.
Written on: April 22, 2005
Dedicated to: Elisabeth
“Did you get my email?” “No.”
“The one with the poem?” “Oh yeah, I read it… Then deleted it. Sorry.”
Poem/Poema #51 (Love/Amor)
The Dream
As I fell asleep last night watching a movie from the 1980s,
I never expected her to once again walk into my dreams...
She approached me at my house with utter happiness,
as if her absence had never caused my stress...
Her loving smiles reminded me of all the great times we spent together,
and my caresses across her face made us once again love one another...
Her tender kisses made me want to bring her back into my life,
but it was just a dream, for I know that she could never be my wife...
Because of all the problems that crept between us in the past,
along with all the memories and broken hopes that prevented us to last...
And if I sat down with you to share my tears including all my fears,
you would realize why I still miss her dearly after all these years.
Written on: March 25, 2005
Dedicated to: G.I.
“Actos hablan más fuerte que palabras.”
~> Dr. Rene Sanchez Jr.
Poem/Poema #52 (Life/Vida)
The Power of the Pen
If I could teach you just one great lesson my dear brother,
if I were to die today, it would be one that I learned from our mother...
Because she was the one who knew enough and cared enough,
to tell us something that wouldn’t make our lives too rough…
As you read this I really don’t want to sound like a preacher,
please take this poem simply as letter from a great teacher…
Now if you still do not know where I am going with these words,
what you are about to read is more powerful than any sword…
Imagine if I said that you could have everything in your hands,
something better than any band member could have without his fans…
What if I told you that this one gift has and will always be within your reach?
and that it could quite possibly get you a house right by the beach…
I know that now I am probably going around in circles without a point,
but very soon in your life, this will finally end and come to a joint…
For by then you will be left alone,
and have no choice but to stand on your own…
I just want to ask you to pursue the endowment of an education,
to save yourself and your kids from this life’s frustrations…
So to end this letter in a manner that you will understand,
I am simply trying to teach you how to be a better man,
and pray that you too will discover the power of the pen.
Written on: February 17, 2005
Dedicated to: Carlos
Poem/Poema #53 (Love/Amor)
Despedida
Después de tantos años de comunicación,
me pregunto por qué no siento una emoción…
Una emoción llena de amor, ternura, y dulzura,
algo que ayer lo sentía hasta el punto de locura…
Por favor entiende solo esto corazón,
sé muy bien que yo no tengo la razón…
Sé que eres una morenita cariñosa y muy hermosa,
pero sé también que no soy capaz de regalarte una rosa…
¿Como puedo hacerte entender que para mi no eres tan solo una mujer?
Cuando yo sé que ahora ya no vas a creerme más que en el ayer…
Me duele mucho porque fui bastante amoroso,
pero sabes tu muy bien que soy un poco peligroso…
Por eso me despido ahora y te dejo totalmente libre,
ya que quiero evitarte un final terrible.
Written on: January 30, 2005
Dedicated to: S.R.
Poem/Poema #54 (Love/Amor)
Mujer Ajena
¿Si te dijera que te adoro, te alejaras de mi?
¿Si te dijera que te odio, te acercaras a mi?
¿Si te dijera que me vuelves loco,
me permitirías rozarte un poco?
¿Si te dijera que me fascina contemplarte,
serias capaz de dejarme tocarte?
¿Si te dijera que yo soy capaz de hacerte muy feliz,
me dejarías besar esa cosita bella bajo tu nariz?
¿Sabias que me siento bastante amargado?
Por no poder tenerte ahora cerca a mi lado.
Mi corazón en pedazos y el alma llena de pena.
Mi sangre fría que se siente afuera de su vena.
Pues hoy al fin me di cuenta que siempre serás una mujer ajena.
Written on: January 30, 2005
Dedicated to: M.C.
Poem/Poema #55 (Life/Vida)
Virtudes
¿Sabías que todos nosotros nacimos con siquiera una virtud?
Algo tan grandioso que a nuestras vidas da una increíble amplitud.
Desde la capacidad de tener una lengua tan fina como una navaja,
hasta el poder de levantar a un hermano cuanto está en baja…
La gracia de tu don viene cuando lo ejerces para el bien,
tú también puedes hacerlo, sin mirar a quién…
Y si fuiste criticado durante toda tu vida hasta el día de ayer,
en la noche de tu muerte solo Él sabrá que cumpliste tu deber.
Written on: January 23, 2005
Poem/Poema #56 (God/Dios)
El Cuarto Sin Puerta
Mientras te veo allí vacío a mi lado,
recuerdo que yo también estuve amargado…
Recuerdo aquellos tiempos saturados de oscuridad,
sintiéndome tan solo sin un poquito de piedad…
Atrapado en un cuarto lleno de temor,
con mi familia y amigos afuera llenos de terror…
Pero hoy te contaré una historia muy hermosa,
sobre aquel día que hoy reina en mi memoria…
La depresión es una fuerte y peligrosa emoción,
pero su solución es la paciencia y no es tan solo una noción…
Y mientras permaneces despierto durante estas noches,
tienes que ser valiente y no dejarte vencer por el estrés…
Jamás sabrás lo que Dios te brindará en el futuro,
quizás el regalo más hermoso: la solución para el pasado…
En conclusión te digo esto mi querido amigo,
en el cuarto sin puerta, Él siempre estará contigo…
Written on: January 23, 2005
Poem/Poema #57 (Love/Amor)
Stupid Beautiful Bitch
Why must you blind yourself with all of your emotions?
As you live your life looking at all these men in motion.
You stupid beautiful bitch can't you see that you've made a wrong choice,
and all because you never even bothered to listen to the sound of my voice?
Why can't you see what he is doing to you?
Or worse yet, what I am doing for you?
But, guess what? You do not surprise me just one bit.
You are just like the other bitches I have met.
The ones who never saw a good man coming,
Or simply did not want a good man staying.
For their true addiction in this life was utter pain,
And this, throughout my years has made me go insane.
This is why I'd rather keep you solely as my friend,
Otherwise I'd always end up hating you in the end.
Written on: January 16, 2005
Dedicated to: J.M.
Poem/Poema #58 (Love/Amor)
Enigma
Te cuento que durante este mes me ha pasado algo raro,
que en un minuto, a mi destino lo pude ver muy claro...
Conocí a una mujer quien pudiera ser lo ideal,
siempre y cuando esté siendo totalmente real...
Una mujer llena de muchos secretos y pensamientos,
con la quien quisiera compartir todos mis momentos...
Ella me ha llenado de pura pasión y locura,
con sus palabras llenas de ternura...
Ella ha resultado ser muy diferente a mis pasiones anteriores,
ya que esta mujer me ha dedicado más de cien canciones...
Su voz le hace parecer muy hermosa y chistosa,
pero tengo miedo que resulte ser un poquito mentirosa...
Te cuento ahora que me estoy muriendo de temor,
por culpa de mis pasadas experiencias en el amor...
Y aunque ella parezca ser la mujer perfecta para mi en esta vida,
solo espero que ella, igual que las otras, no sea una simple enigma.
Written on: December 7, 2004
Dedicated to: P.S.
Poem/Poema #59 (Love/Amor)
El Poema Pequeño
Jamás en mi vida olvidaré lo que pasó este año,
Desde el día que te demostré todo mi cariño…
Aunque en aquel entonces me hiciste mucho daño,
Cuando nuestra relación resultó ser tan solo un engaño…
Y te cuento esto ahora, aunque me sienta como un niño,
Que después de tanto tiempo, todavía te extraño.
Written on: November 29, 2004
Dedicated to: D.D.