Hao: the attitude of Informality
Since Hao is a typical slang word, you cannot use it in office or in formal communication. People might feel offended; as the normal literal meaning of Hao is obviously only a Yes in a casual manner.
There is another side of the picture. English is a clear- cut language, there are rarely biases. You will remain you, whether you are 80 year old man 50 years elder than me or a 10 year old cute girl, 20 years younger to me. If I call you as you, you won’t feel offended but unfortunately this is not the case with Hindi.
My salutation for you will change as per the respect I have for you, consideration of age, position, power and most importantly the relationship which we share. In Hindi we have three forms of you namely Ap, Tum and Tu.
Ap is basically for the elders and mostly used in formal communication. Ap symbolize respect and it clearly indicates that our relationship holds a reserved outlook. Of course there are cultural variations depending on the region where you reside.
Tum is a slight informal; can be used with same age group let’s say acquaintance, classmates etc. Tu is a bit complicated for it has dual meanings and the meaning might change depending on the region to which you belong. Tu is a hard core informal term. Tu is used for people younger than you. It is at times used in a derogatory sense and so in certain regions it is completely avoided because it is not considered as cultured or sophisticated.
Coming to Indore; Tu has a different meaning- here Tu represents a sense of personal touch. If you are close to my heart, someone I trust, where our relationship is beyond formalities, we share a bond of love and the respect which we hold for each other is not depicted in our words but in our actions then there is a probability that I may call you as TU.
Wait a minute; we were talking about Hao, what the hell this epic of Tu doing in this context. Are we here to learn hindi?
No, there is a correlation between Tu and Hao; just like Tu, the third aspect of hao attitude also brings a flavor of personal touch, informality and stronger bonding in our interpersonal relationships.
Eric Berne in his most famous book “Games People Play” talks about a variety of roles which people play in their life. People play mind games to prove that they are correct and satiate their ego.
Mind games are nothing but a sense of the struggle for prestige. Sometimes people lose their integrity and wisdom just to prove that they are correct. The diabolic side of pampering ego is so lethal that a person fails to understand what is right and what is wrong.
I really appreciate this quote once I read on facebook shared by one of my friend; it reads as- relationships never die a natural death; they are often brutally murdered by ego, attitude or indifference. Instead of cooperation and coordination when domination and competition comes in the panorama of interpersonal relationships, there true essence is dismantled.
Importance of a “Game-free” life in relationships cannot be underestimated. So the Hao- attitude asks you to stop playing candy crush and annoying the world by sending those game requests on social networks. Okay..Jokes apart but Game-free life means living a life of originality.
When we give our best and remain genuine and transparent in our relationships. There is no need of manipulation, diplomacy or fakeness if it is a true bond. A true relationship is about commitment, passion and companionship which are beyond formality. A true relationship starts with friendship, friends may insult each other, mock at each other, play pranks but inside their heart they hold a great respect for the other. Respect is nothing but a form of love.
Hao, being an informal word; a slang derived from a layman world is simple, silly yet so meaningful. If I maintain the hao attitude of being informal in my personal relationships chances are I will have a better life. Informality is openness in communication, I share what I feel, think, believe. Most of the problems are caused because of lack of understanding, lack of communication, miscommunication and of course assumptions.
How beautifully Jerry Belson shared this insightful thought which he heard once in a typewriter repair class- “Never ASSUME, because when you ASSUME, you make an ASS of U and ME.”
Assumption is a murderer, how easily it can kill all the positivity which people create in so many years. Being informal doesn’t mean that we won’t respect each other but it is about being accepting towards each other. In order to share yourself, you have to cross a certain self-created limitations of ego.
An MBBS friend of mine, once shared this heart-touching story, they had this man in their hospital. He was a 62 year old rich reputed industrialist of the society admitted because of high blood pressure and cardiac issues. All the doctors, nurses even the ward boys wanted him to get well soon as he was an earthquake of their life. He was very frustrated, he did not allow any of his family members to stay back with him in the hospital, the family members were upset about it but they had no clue ;how to tame down the anger of this old man. He screamed on the nurses on duty complaining about one thing or the other. He refused to take medicines on time, behaving like a spoiled brat at the age of 62. Handling him was like dealing with a living nightmare.
One morning a female cleaner jumped into her ward; she was a 22 year old young girl who came to render her service on behalf of her sick mother. The man started to scream on her and then a shock came in his life which transformed his behavior. The young little girl asked the man to shut-up and behave properly. She literally scolded him as if he is a baby. While all the doctors and nurses pampered his ego, the girl was a sheer contrast when she reprimanded him for not taking medicines on time and being so irresponsible.
The old man has started to take medicines on time, he remains calm, he doesn’t complain at all now and he smiles at the ward boy. His health is improving; when my MBBS friend asked him the reason behind this drastic change, he shared the incident about the young cleaner girl. She reminded him of the old days, the girl was just like his mother- soft, humble and caring at heart; raw, harsh and blunt with words. She was responsible for this realization that his behavior is self-destructive. She corrected him like his own mother without any fear. He felt loved and so he decided to change.
The power of honesty is not accepted by the modern tech-savvy man; it is not our fault because we see so many scandals around. Since childhood we are taught that outside world is not good, as we grow up we see people benefiting from those short-tricks and manipulative behavior but in a long run, it is an honest man who lives a satisfied life with a great sense of self-esteem.
The people who practice the Hao attitude in their interpersonal relationships believe; there is no need to remain cunning all the time, simplicity, sincerity and innocence has a unique charm of its own. This is the toughest aspect of the Hao attitude because to implement simplicity, originality and transparency is a very huge task.
Another beautiful side of informality is the element of empathy which it adds in our life. Formal communication doesn’t allow us to look at the humane side of human life. It is by its nature rigid and objective. Formal communication allows us to know a person superficially; it is the informal communication which helps to know a person deeply. It is only by informality that we can come close to other’s heart. W.B. Yeats in his lovely poetry says, Hearts are not had as a gift, Hearts are earned.
Informality provides the opportunity to win the other person by adding empathy, compassion and amiability in our lives. Everyone cannot afford to be empathetic because practicing empathy requires higher level of sensitivity, sensibility and emotional maturity.
People are so lost in their own personal life, ambitions, work that they don’t have the patience and time to pay heed at the other person’s problem. A majority of human population has no time to focus on the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Forget about others, some of us have no time to think about themselves. They do not introspect; indulge in substance abuse and other addiction. Isn’t it unintelligent to think that the guy who could not understand his own issues will understand your problems?
Everyone is a bit lonely in this big world; there are more number of broken homes, more old-age homes, greater number of psychological issues with children, adults and teens.
The soft side of Hao attitude focuses on being empathetic. Practicing Hao-logy means being a bit considerate about the needs of others. The people with genuine Hao attitude are very soft at heart; they may appear hard from outside but hold a very affectionate personality within.
My childhood friend was quite frustrated from her office ambience; she recently started working at a new place. Everything was good, she had a nice mentor, good salary, great growth ahead and lavish office assets but her concern was a colleague who keeps annoying her.
This co-worker was very argumentative; finding faults in others was like her hobby. My friend started hating her and her reaction was quite natural because feelings are often mutual. It is hard to dislike those who like you and even tougher to like those who dislike you.
After a few weeks she again came to my home, to my surprise today she was looking very relaxed and cheerful. She had an attitude of gratitude towards her mentor. Her mentor was a mature lady, when the mentor told her the past of her colleague, my friend was filled with grief and embarrassment for the rudeness she dwelled for her colleague.
The argumentative, stubborn co-worker of my friend is actually a very strong girl; who lost her parents at a very early stage. She lives a lonely life handling all the responsibilities at home of her younger siblings. The perception of my friend was suddenly changed- another paradigm shift experience. She now finds herself more capable of dealing with her team-member. She understood that she cannot change the circumstances of her colleague nor is it possible to transform her personality but one thing which can be controlled is her reaction to the aggression of that co-worker. Love begets love. When she started taking the aggression of her co-worker lightly, she gave a hao attitude to her flaws and accepted her goodness; she found a new friend. They share a good understanding of each other’s temperament now, they are no more office colleagues but buddies who shop, eat and share their live together.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross