1 Haven’t you already seen me?
Alone. Silent, sitting, seeking. In about September, 2017 I was in my room looking up at a gold-framed picture of the one, Jesus Christ, who had saved my life over the past three years while recovering from a mental breakdown and coping with a new diagnosis of bipolar disorder and other major life events.
I ask, “Can I see you Lord?”
“Haven’t you already seen me in your life?” the impression flowed gently, peacefully piercing my mind and heart.
I was astounded.
When I had received such direct answers from the Spirit a few years earlier, I remember feeling troubled at first like someone else was in the room unseen. But then I was filled with that same wonder and astounding feeling that I had now. How God is able to be so close to each of us that He even knows the thoughts and intents of our heart, gently guiding all along, is beyond my wildest imagination. How amazing is our God!
What wise counsel from God, “Haven’t you already seen me in your life?”
My thoughts then were drawn to the times in the recent years I had seen Jesus’ hand in my life.
2016 was the worst. Ever. I couldn’t even muster the desire to pull myself out of bed. Every minuscule task of getting myself ready in the morning seemed like a mountain of a chore. The Lord’s Spirit and my wife’s sweet compassion guided her to know how to help me.
My wife would start the day ever so gently, baby-stepping me along: “Okay, let’s open the drapes… okay, now let’s pull the blanket off...okay, now your legs off the bed…” God sent my angel wife to keep me going through the worst trenches.
I also remembered being in a crisis recovery unit twice in 2016 after not being able to be safe living alone because of the suicidal depression. The place was a simple building as a refuge for those with mental health that were currently too weak to withstand the storms of life.
The suicidal thoughts constantly bombarded me. It got so bad I remember praying that my life would end.
Despite this intense mountain suicidal depression, I kept reading the Book of Mormon and praying, just holding on to any spark of joy left in me.
Then, I remember, in my crisis recovery unit room, alone, I had a vision of Jesus’ hand reaching down to me. I felt like Peter, near drowning, reaching up to Jesus extending His hand.
What hope that gave me! I knew Jesus was aware of me and that deliverance was nigh. In the upcoming weeks, after trying everything for severe depression--diet, exercise, medications, sleep, etc.--I was begging my wife that she would let me do electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). The deliverance started as God sent a feeling of profound peace to replace her great anxiety for putting me through the procedure.
ECT is a simple, 30 second shock that is administered near the temples which triggers seizures, which somehow reignites the spark of life back into the brain. It’s like getting a jumpstart. I know God was with me because I didn’t feel afraid of the procedure; I was excited because I knew it helped my mom out of deep depression, too.
My wife, ever encouraging, held my hand as I drifted off to sleep before the shock therapy.
Checking my coherence as I was waking up, the anaesthesiologist pointed to my wife and asked me her name. I said, “Wife.”
I was all smiles and laughs.
Tears of joy streamed from my wife’s face as she saw me wake up out of the shock therapy. She finally had her husband back.