2 Baptism by fire
Back to Fall, 2017. My mind continues to trace God’s hand in my life further.
It was Summer 2014 to January 2015 in the scorching oasis of Lake Havasu City, AZ. I had been in a whirlwind of mental breakdown in the middle of a problems at work that it turned out I dreaded, job loss while trying to support my wife and three kids. On top of this was a genetic mental health vulnerability which would soon become a mental breakdown and bipolar 1 diagnosis.
At the peak of my inner conflict l had some questions about my existence. It was a faith crisis and identity crisis. I thought, if this life is infinite then l don't wanna live it because I'm having a hard enough time with finite life. And I started to think, if I wasn't infinite, then what would l start or finish from, nothing?! Then I started to drown in the thought of what it would be like to be nothing or to be deleted, to be lost for all eternity, in the void. The thought flooded me with darkness, despair and fear, falling into the abyss.
Such intense anxiety led me into a panic attack when I was taken to the lake havasu hospital. I felt I was being stripped of my identity as I was admitted to the ER. I had nothing left to hold on to, not even myself. In my panic before given a tranquilizer, I saw my name Steven on my sweater and I started crying out to my wife, “I'm still Steve right?!”
During my terror of losing my identity I willed myself to believe God and his love were still there for me. As l did l thought of the words to Mary "nothing shall be impossible with God" and l was flooded with love, light and unspeakable joy which lasted for the next several months and even after that remains its lasting impression. Now it all makes sense, the words from Jesus “lose yourself to find yourself.”
I had never felt such peace in my life. Symbols of that peace was a moment it seemed time stood still as I gazed at the desert paradise seen of a saguaro standing next to a palm tree, sublime symbol of eternal stillness to me finding my paradise-sure testimony of Jesus Christ's love for me- in my darkest hour.
Becoming fully aware of Jesus Christ's awareness of my very thoughts and feelings, sufferings and rejoicings; I had never felt so close to God, such pure and sweet love, joy and peace beyond compare.
I felt God so close that I remember sitting in a room at work and despite the turmoil there, He was so close that I could write any question down and the answer would come to my mind and heart right away. I still have that paper I wrote those questions and answers on.
So I experienced like what Alma the younger of the book of Mormon described as "my soul was racked with eternal torment" before he called on Jesus' name and was filled with light and joy, which sweetness was as exquisite as was his pain.
Then during my spiritual rebirth/awakening, the following months I saw evidence of Christ and his love for me and each of us personally everywhere, with my spiritual eyes e.g. symbolism in nature. It was hard not to look for him everywhere in everything because I knew that Jesus was the only one who could snatch me out of that abyss. So I wanted to keep finding him.
I was spiritually reborn with a new, bright perspective on my life and the world. No matter where I looked, I saw symbols of Christ's love and sacrifice and I was filled with pure love and gratitude. Whether it was in living things like bugs and plants, even weeds, or in natural surroundings or skies; symbols of their creator, Jesus Christ, became obvious to me everywhere. Like that thing you were looking for that was right under your nose the whole time.
That's why I describe it as an awakening or rebirth, because I saw people and the whole world in a new, beautiful, and glorious light. And it seemed like something that was within me the whole time, it just took those experiences to bring it out to the surface. And I thank God for helping to bring out His divinity from within me to turn me into who I am today, a more dedicated disciple of Christ.