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n Ex-Lover will always haunt your marriage. Statistics have shown that 50% of cheating in marriages begins with an ex-lover. Someone once told me, "I feel comfortable discussing with my ex-lover than I feel with my wife. There are some things about me that my wife does not know, but my ex-lover knows. I have this connection with my ex-lover that no woman has been able to fill. I even enjoyed sex with a few of my ex-lovers more than I enjoy with my wife.” I felt so sorry for this brother because he will never have a happy marriage with that attitude. There will always be reasons to compare your past relationships to your current marriage. We are all born differently, grew up in different environments, like different things, and so many more differences. If you are someone that has been with a lot of people before you got married, you will always find some qualities in those other partners that are not in your current spouse. Instead of looking out at an Ex-lover, why don’t you both work it in your marriage and get things back on track?
If you have been able to read this book to this chapter, then it means you really want a positive change in your marriage. My advice for you is to cut off all ex-lovers from your life. I discussed with a Brother in church who told me that he was having problems in his marriage. After asking him some questions, I found out that he was still chatting on social media with almost all his ex-lovers, and was even having regular phone conversations with two of them. It got to the point that he started comparing those ladies to his wife, and he was even getting advice from them on what his wife should be doing and what to do to improve his marriage. This is a very bad approach, especially with an ex-lover because it will only drift your marriage apart instead of bringing it together (even if your ex-lover is a marriage counselor).
Don't ever go on a date with an ex-lover (This should be a red-line that nobody should cross after marriage). Many people claim to be so strong and say they can never get attracted to an ex-lover anymore even when they go on dates or hang out together. I laugh at such statements when I hear them because it is quicker to get into bed with an ex-lover than to get into bed with a new date. You and your ex-lover have spent quality time together in the past, so it might not be difficult to get into bed again. They say, "Just a simple lunch will not harm anyone." I laugh out loud because that is just the beginning, there will be more dates to come, and many things can happen in just a simple date.
After I got married, I discovered that I had a couple of ex-lovers still on my social media. Once in a while, we exchanged pleasantries and even had some discussions from time to time. I started noticing myself feeling so excited when I was chatting with one of them someday, that I was really looking forward to another chat. I went on her Facebook page to look at her profile time after time and always looked out for her comments and posts. This was an ex-lover that I was in love with in the past, and we shared so much together, so it was a little difficult for me to cut off contacts at first, but I had to. I discovered that it was too dangerous for my marriage and had to take a swift action by removing her from my social media, and stopped communicating her. From time to time, when we bump into each other, I don’t exchange more than the hello, hi pleasantries and nothing more. A married man/woman must stay away from any form of close conversation with an ex-lover. It always has a tendency to creep in again, and nobody is immune to this.
A married lady of about 5 years was having problems with her husband; she just felt he wasn't as caring enough and she was very upset. She was so upset that she needed someone to talk to, and here came the ex-lover that was there to listen. She didn’t like him anymore and was no longer attracted to him anymore, but he was always there to listen anytime she got into her moods. They communicated just once a while via social media, and it grew to once a month, then once in two weeks, then once a week, and then every single day. Then she just started falling for him again, and it happened. They started seeing each other in secret until everything burst out in the open. Her marriage was over in no time.
“Can't we just stay as friends and not get intimate?" Can you remember those lines? That's what an ex-lover will say. I heard those lines many times too after I got married, but I knew it was not healthy for me. There is a 50% chance that you will get in bed with an ex-lover that you still stay in close contact with. Let your ex-lover remain in your past. Can you imagine running a race and looking back at the same time? Or imagine yourself walking backwards. You will just be unstable and bump into an obstacle. That’s how terrible and difficult it is for marriage to thrive when you are still communicating with your ex-lover. The more you communicate with your ex-lover, the more you obstruct your marriage, physically and spiritually. Most ex-lovers will always want to stay in touch, especially if both of you really had a deep connection in the past, and it is always difficult to break. They always mean no harm at the beginning, but it will definitely lead to emotional attachment again. Some people will say, “I know what I am doing, what we had was in the past and I don’t have anything to do with him/her anymore.” One discussion will lead to another, and another to another, till you end up in bed again. Sometimes, the process is so subtle that it takes years to generate the passion again. Don't fall for those lines again because it is a marriage destroyer. Stay clear and stay away.