I
know a couple that was married for five years (I will call the husband Tom and call the wife Kay - Real names Withheld). They were so in love with each other. They held hands everywhere and professed so much love in public. Tom was tall and handsome; he always had a smile on his face, while Kay was exceptionally beautiful. I personally know many people that told me that they wish they had a wife or husband like Kay and Tom. They were everyone's dream, and every single person around them always wanted to be like them. Even married couples envied them because of their strong bond, everyone wanted to be like them (At least that’s what it looked like in the open). They even prayed to God to make their homes like Tom and Kay’s. The world around them thought they were having a blast, but it was an entirely different story at home. The couple did not have it good in the bedroom; they hardly had sex. The sad story is that they both started admiring other people. Tom had a colleague at work that he was getting close to, while Kay also had a secret admirer. Tom told me that he was not having enough sex at home, that they had sex once a week sometimes, and other times only about twice a month. This was gradually drifting them apart in the home, but they still showed all the love and affection in the public eye. Does this sound like your home or a couple you know?
I knew this couple personally, and it hurt me so much because I never thought they could be having such a problem based on the way they held hands in church and smiled at each other when they talk to themselves. They were playing a very good game in public but were dying slowly emotionally. After my conversation with Tom, I advised him to start having sex with his wife every single day. At least start with four times a week, then gradually move to having sex every day. I told him to make sure that they tried a variety of things in the bedroom and spice it all up. I told him to take his wife on a date and go there with 2 sheets of paper and 2 pens. That both of them should secretly write 2 or 3 things that they need the other partner to improve upon. After writing it, they should both exchange sheets and agree that they will not get angry over what the other person writes, and make a commitment to improve. I gave him some other tips on how to electrify the bedroom and things to do outside the bedroom that will spice up their marriage, which I will further share in this book, and it worked for him. He came back to me after a very short while to thank me because it worked for them.
In the beginning, when Tom and Kay got married, they had sex every single day. They spent quality times together and got to explore their bodies well. They were inseparable both at home and in public, but everything changed after a while. Tom started a new job and got back home late every day. Kay started some kind of work-from-home business that also took her time. Then kids came in the scene, and they both drifted apart unknowingly. The couple that was having sex every day before went to every other day, then once a week, then just once or twice a month. Does this sound like your home? Research shows that this is the growing trend for 80% of marriages in most developed and developing countries worldwide.
Having sex every day is not the only thing that gets the home back on track, so many other things help alongside. The problem is that so many couples have actually lost the desire to have sex with their partners. They enjoy spending time with friends or some other colleagues than they do with their spouse. Marriage has now turned into two people just sharing the same apartment or house, but no deep connectivity like it is intended to be. If you enjoy spending time with other people outside your home than you enjoy spending time with your spouse, then you must know that your marriage is not working, and heading for a crash.
Think about it, what happened when you first met your spouse? You sent text messages, letters, flowers, cards and wonderful gifts time after time. You spent so much time together; holding hands and talking about a glorious future together. What happened? Both of you were careless about so many things and let go of all the things you used to do together.
Can you remember what the Overseer, Reverend or Pastor said on your wedding day? What God has joined together, let no one put asunder. Let not anything, any job or anyone (including kids) separate the union. It's a covenant of two people becoming one forever till death separates you. Don't you ever let kids or your job separate your union? I totally understand that couples go through so many things that make it quite difficult to even think of sex, things like busy work schedules that take up the whole day and night, and so many more. We will talk more and address some of these things in other chapters of this book.
I used to know a couple that hardly saw themselves, yet living in the same house. The husband worked in the day time, while the wife worked in the night time. The husband is out of the house at 7 am in the morning and does not get back until 6 pm because of traffic. The wife leaves the house around 6 pm also (they sometimes meet in the driveway, or one is going out while the other was coming in), and gets back from work 6 am the next morning. They only spent Sundays together because the wife worked 6 days a week, while the husband worked 5 days a week. Does this sound like your home or a home you know about? The sad news here is that they were divorced in no time. They drifted apart unknowingly and slowly started having problems in other areas. They had sex only once or twice a month, and it was never as much fun as it used to be at the beginning. 90% of couples that live like this will end up in a divorce or just co-habiting without any substance. I think you should have a big sign in your bedroom saying, “The Lesser the sex we have, the more our marriage is heading for a crash.” Or write, “Without allotted time for togetherness, intimacy is impossible.” It’s a known fact, the more you connect sexually, the greater the bond. I asked many couples to try out this experiment. I told them to have sex with their spouses for 2 weeks in a stretch (Every single day) and give reports on the condition of their marriages afterward. They came back with good news. It works. They started loving their spouses even more and were more connected to each other than they were before.
I know it's a little difficult in some parts of the world to pay bills and afford the basic things of life without working long hours, but we must fight it. The husband or wife probably did so much physical work during the day and will be so exhausted when they get home. I have an advice for people that do lots of physical work during the day and are too tired to make love when they get home. My advice to you is, take a cold shower and you will feel refreshed and energized enough to make love. Research has shown that cold showers will help increase your sexual drive. Imagine how you will feel when someone wakes you up by splashing cold water on your face while you are asleep. Immediately you feel the splash, you have a rush of adrenaline, your nerves are energized, and you feel alert. That’s the same way you get energized and alert again if you have a shower after a long day at work and you feel tired. The cooler the water, the more energized you will be. You can start the shower with hot/warm water and gradually change the temperature to cold if you are someone like me that doesn't like taking cold showers. I start with my normal hot/warm water and then gradually turn the knob to change it to cold water. Doing this will definitely increase your sex drive and inject some sexual energy into you. I want you to take a shower after work for the next 2 weeks, just before sex with your spouse and share some of your experiences with me. Everyone I have advised on this process came back with good news.
Couples should ensure that they spend quality time every single day. I advise couples to spend about 2 hours together ALONE every single day. I’m not talking about the time when you are both ready to sleep or ready to retire for the night. I am talking about intentionally laying down next to each other in the room, where you talk and cuddle and have sex. This might be difficult for couples that have not been doing this before, but intentionally take this step for 2 weeks and watch how wonderful your home will be. Lock yourselves in the room, kiss, hold hands, look into your eyes, touch yourselves, explore your bodies and have sex. Make this a daily ritual, and you will be surprised how things will bounce back on track.
Another thing that is very important is for both of you to talk, talk and talk about everything. Many men are usually not the talking type, they just utter a few words, and that’s it. If you really want your marriage to work, then you must talk. Talk to each other and tell each other how you feel about yourselves. Tell her how wonderful her body is and how much you appreciate her, tell him how sweet he is and how you would always choose him again and again. I have heard some people say that women need more compliments than men, but that’s not true; men need compliments as much as women do. We all thrive on compliments, and it makes us feel good and do better. Even God, our creator, wants us to give him thanks all the time. The more you compliment your partner, the better they will be. If you have run out of words, go online and search for more sweet words to tell him or her. You both have to consciously work towards this process every single day.
Nothing good comes free, no matter what it is. Do you put as much time and energy into your marriage as you put into your job? Just as we spend time at our jobs, trying to keep it and impress our bosses, so also, we need to put that amount of energy and even more effort into our marriage. If you put as much or much more energy and time into your marriage as you put into your job, then you will have one of the best homes.
Someone once said, "I can’t compliment her because she doesn't do anything that deserves my compliment.” In general, this might be true, but you must understand that good compliments make you happy and want to make you do even more, even when they are not true. Please get me right, I am not telling you to lie to your spouse, but I will give you a logical example. Imagine a baby crying, what do you do to such a child? You pat the baby, sing songs, look for toys, and do many things to make the baby stop crying. That's how we need to treat our partners; we must always find those sweet words, even when they are not true. This, in turn, makes that hubby of yours happy and want to improve. Try this strategy for one whole month, and you will see the results. Say sweet words and nice things about your spouse's body, clothes, love making, and every single thing. You might not feel like it, but you have to do it intentionally. You will always get better results with this strategy. I will talk more about this in chapter 3.
Another thing I advise is discussion after intercourse. This is more prevalent with men. Many men just roll off their spouses after ejaculation, clean up and then start doing other stuff. Don't ever do that again, unless it's a quickie. You have to consciously spend at least 30 minutes talking to your partner after intercourse. Just lay next to each other and talk. Talk about sex, talk about work, talk about good things that will make you both happy, and not negative stuff. You must beware of discussing problems during this time because it will kill the sex drive and not give it a happy ending. You can also use this time to watch a movie cuddled up together or just talk, talk, and talk. Who knows, it might even spark another round of sex. This is a conscious step that must be taken; you must do it intentionally and watch how things will change in your home. It sparks a stronger bond between the two of you. Don't ever roll away or walk out of the room after sex. Spend quality time together.
Finally, in this chapter, please note that marriage is a living thing, just as you eat every day to keep yourself alive and healthy, that's how you need to feed your marriage. If your marriage is not fed, it will die. No wonder there are so many divorce cases everywhere. These are some of the ways to feed your marriage. Any marriage that is not fed will die. You feed your marriage by applying things that will make your marriage work. You cannot consciously practice all the things written in this chapter and the book as a whole and still have an unsweetened marriage. Send me an email; I want to know how practicing these things have helped your marriage.