Thirty Three
The ocean waves crash in and out of the shore of the lake and I watch them rip in and out in time with the setting sun behind me. I can hear Gavin approaching from behind me as well, and the warmth his presence brings me covers my unheated skin. I only wear a shawl over my slender shoulders and the light sundress I wear tonight isn’t warding off the chill the wind brings in as the sun sets.
"Hey, Beautiful. I was looking for you." I hear his voice first, smooth as velvet to my ears.
Gavin pulls me gently into his chest and into his warm embrace. I sag against him and tip my face up to see the stormy blue gray eyes I’ve come to memorize since I’ve known him.
"I missed you. Are you feeling okay?"
I turn fully into his embrace and rest my chin on his collarbone as I blink up at him.
"Yes. Where were you?"
His eyes narrow and just now do I realize he is shirtless and there is a small inked design across his right shoulder. I move a step back and read it carefully.
Never Forget,
Tessa Lynn Morgan
Tessa. Who is Tessa? I look back into his eyes and see such understanding staring back at me. He takes my hand and begins leading me towards a ranch styled house seated right over the water’s edge. It seems familiar to me, as if I’ve been here before, but I’m too focused on the one name set on repeat in the recesses of my mind to try to remember when I’ve been here.
"Gavin, where are we?" I ask, tugging slightly on his hand so he’ll stop and look at me.
A small smile forms on his lips as he opens the front door for me and I step inside.
"We’re home."
Gavin places one hand on the side of my face and gives me the most loving smile I’ve ever seen from him. His lips brush to my ear and he whispers gently to me.
"I haven’t taught her to pick those up after she’s done. She’s a messy little one, just like her mother." I frantically look up into his eyes, not knowing what he’s saying though a huge part of my soul already knows what he’s telling me. We have a daughter.
"Look" He turns me to the right and wraps his arms around my waist, almost as if to protect me from what I’ll see.
"Tessa" I whisper.
I wake in a cold sweat, my eyes shut tightly in an effort to try to remember the sight of her. Tessa.
I can still see her light brown hair just like Gavin’s that I love running my fingers through while we’re making love. Her emerald green eyes were identical to mine and all I can think is our daughter. Our little girl. Without opening my eyes, I let my hands drop to my belly and then lower to cup my lower stomach where I feel a sense of such emptiness. I never imagined myself pregnant, having a child with Gavin, my love. But the dream, that dream – I know it wasn’t just a dream. It was my body telling me something I didn’t or wouldn’t let myself think about. After coming home from the hospital, had I missed a period?
Would I have even noticed after the events leading up to what felt like the end for Gavin and me? No, I hadn’t and I can’t honestly remember the last one I’d had. Silently, I count the weeks since my last cycle and when I come to the conclusion-twelve weeks, my heart soars knowing I’d been pregnant with a child created from both of us, Gavin and me. Then, I open my eyes and my heart along with my soul plummets to the floor. The car that I was sure Bryce was driving hit me. Knocked me down onto the street. That alone could have hurt the baby growing inside my stomach. But what came after?
Though I can’t remember some parts of the time Bryce had me alone, I remember vividly what happened after I refused to go along with his sick and twisted game. He wanted to have me. He wanted me to surrender to him. I wouldn’t. The beating that came after left me with such pain in my stomach, ribs, and head that even almost thirty hours later, I am still feeling the effects. I choke on the breath in my throat when the truth lands a blow on my heart that I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from.
I had lost our baby.
***
I sit up in bed until I hear Gavin’s quiet three knocks at the door and then his eyes meet mine when he comes in. His hair looks like he’s pulled it in every which way, his eyes rimmed with dark circles from not sleeping. I can hardly look into his eyes because I am afraid to see the image of our baby staring back at me. He comes next to me and takes my hand so tightly I suck in a breath at the strength I feel in his hold.
"I wish to God I didn’t have to tell you this, baby. I wish to God I could just take you in my arms and promise you that everything is okay now that Bryce is gone. I want that more than anything, but I can’t because I have to tell you this."
Finally, I summon the strength to lift my eyes to his and when I do, I see tears filling the blue grays.
I bite my lip in an effort to be strong for the words and the truth Gavin will tell me in just a few short seconds. I want to cover his mouth with my own and beg him to help me forget this ever truly happened.
I want to pretend that I can live with the emptiness I’ve felt ever since waking up from that dream. But I tighten my hand in his and nod.
His voice shakes so badly I think it will break when he speaks.
"Aria, baby, the doctor told me-you were pregnant when you were struck by the car. There’s no way to know when-"
I struggle to contain the sob that pushes its way through my rib cage and out of my chest, but it’s pointless. I stutter the words to finish for him.
"When I lost our baby."
My eyes fill with all of the sadness and emptiness I have bottled up inside me in the last two hours of knowing the truth and the last twelve weeks that our baby girl was growing inside me. How could I have not known? How could I have lost something so precious before I ever had the chance to love it?
"I-I’m so sorry I lost her, Gavin. I wish I knew, I wish I had listened to my body, but I lost her. I lost our baby."
Tears cover my burning cheeks and I cover them with my hands as the pain in my chest becomes too much to bear. It feels as if someone reached inside my chest and ripped my heart from my body-that would hurt less.
"Aria, baby."
Gavin is on the bed with me now and reaches his hands out to pull me to him and I struggle. I don’t want to look at him because I’ll see what we lost. I don’t want to hear his voice because I’ll imagine what he would have said to her. I don’t want to let him hold me because I am afraid I’ll never stop mourning the loss of what we could have had. So, I fight. I struggle. I push at his hands and scream for him to let me go. I cry harder than I ever have and beg him to let me go.
Let me go.
Let me go.
Please, Gavin let me go.
Let me be swallowed up in this pain.
Let me drown in it.
Maybe then I’ll understand how I could have lost our baby girl who had yet to take her first breath in this world.
Let me go…
"Listen to me, Aria. This is not your fault. We didn’t know. We didn’t know. I’m so sorry I ever let you out of my sight. I’m so sorry the events that I let happen took away our baby. But if you let me, I’ll give you the world. Please baby, let me."
I don’t have any strength left to fight him so I lay my head on his chest and close my eyes. His arms wrap around me tightly and I feel his body shudder as he weeps softly.
"I don’t deserve any of that because I lost our baby."
The one truth that slips out of my mouth is straight from my heart. I don’t deserve his love or his care or his comfort after this. I don’t.
When I drift to sleep, I pray I’ll see our baby girl again.
"Tessa," I whisper and her head pops up from where she is lining up wooden blocks in what looks like a square pattern on the floor in front of her. When she locks eyes with me, she smiles shyly. The same smile I have when I feel shy or unsure of myself. Warmth spreads through my skin and my soul, the connection to this little girl so stro ng and so unfamiliar it would knock me off my feet if Gavin wasn’t holding me up with his arms around my shoulders.
"Go to her, baby," he whispers, urging me with a gentle nudge against my hair.
I don’t make the choice to go to her. I’m pulled to her, my feet moving before I even tell them to do so. It’s like she is a flame and I am a moth. She is a magnet and I am a paperclip. I go to her willingly because how can I stop gravity?
Tessa watches me quietly with the brightest green eyes I’ve ever seen.
"Mama?" she whispers, reaching out for me to pick her up. My chest fills with love and joy and awe at the beautifully perfect girl we created and I gently scoop her into my arms.
"Mama's here, Tessa Lynn."
She reaches her hands up and puts them on my cheeks.
"Mama."
That word is everything to me. It is home.
***
I wake just like before except now I feel Gavin’s smooth hand along my back and his muffled voice telling me I’m safe now. What he doesn’t know is that I’m not afraid because of Bryce or what he put me through. I’m afraid that I’ll never get the chance to love a child the way I know I would have loved our baby. I move my head to the crook of his neck and inhale his musky smell. I love his smell and if I close my eyes, I can remember every time he’s held me like this. I wish to God it was enough to fill the gaping hole inside of me.
"I dreamed of her," I whisper. It feels as if a secret is told through those words, but I have to say it.
He deserves the whole truth of what I’m feeling. No less.
Gavin leans away slightly at my words and I see the stark pain in his stormy eyes.
"I would have named her Tessa Lynn. After your grandmother. She had your brown hair and my green eyes and she was so beautiful, Gavin. She was our baby."
Thick tears fill his eyes as he nods. My breath leaves me, my hands curling into his and squeezing.
I can see his pain, his anguish. The sight of it shreds me and I move to pull my hands from his just as Gavin lifts my hands with his and lifts them to his mouth. Gently kissing them, he allows me to continue.
I reach up and hold his beautifully rugged face in my hands as I say the rest.
"When I look at you, I see so much, Gavin. I see the man that brought me to life again. The man that saves me each and every time he tells me he loves me."
He sucks in a breath and presses his lips to my forehead in a kiss.
"I do love you, Aria. I don’t think I’ll ever stop."
Abruptly he stands and covers his face with his hands. I hear a low sob come from him and it tears at my heart in the worst way. Gavin’s blue gray eyes meet mine again and I suck in a breath when I see the desperation in his darkened gaze. The panic I see in them makes my mouth open to say something, take his pain away somehow, but no words come out.
"I can’t let you go like this, Aria. We need each other if we’re going to survive losing her. Please, don’t do this to us." he begs, his eyes plead with me, the grays in them darkened in pain. Gavin reaches his hand out to me, but with a low sob caught in my throat, I force myself to turn over onto my belly and cover my chest with my hands in order to not reach out for him. My love.
Sighing, Gavin slips beside me, covers my arms with his own and squeezes me gently against his chest. After a moment of silence, he turns my face to his.
"Is this what you truly want?" His blue gray eyes implore me and I want more than anything to be able to say no and to just hold onto him despite this pain searing me from the inside out. But it would ruin what we’ve shared all these months and I couldn’t fathom that.
I nod through clouded vision and clasp his hand tightly, the only contact we have.
"Yes."
Kissing my cheek, Gavin gives me a sad smile.
"Only for now. Beautiful, I will only let you go for now. But this, this is forever. I won’t ever give up on us."
The pain ceases for an immeasurable amount of time as I feel the love in his gaze and his touch.
"Me either," I vow. No matter what or how long it takes, I’ll find my way back to him.
Gavin’s hand comes up to my neck and I close my eyes in a plea when his lips meet mine. The sensations of his touch explode behind my eyelids.
"Aria, baby."
I surrender to the love that Gavin puts into his kiss and I give him as much of me as I can. Tugging my fingers into his hair, I moan when his tongue dips along mine and his lips consume my own. In his kiss I almost believe I can survive this pain, but somehow I know I would be lying to myself. I pull back and shake my head as his mouth falls to my collarbone.
"I want to give you something. Then I’ll find Kel for you, if that’s what you want." There is such regret and a tinge of fear in his voice, but my mind automatically latches on to the positive part of his words.
"What is it?"
I sit up and watch as Gavin saunters over to a drawer connected to the lounge chair across the room. He comes back to me just as quickly and places the necklace they must have taken off me when I was brought in. It’s the one he gave me right before Kel and Lucas’ wedding. He looked so handsome that night. It’s hard to believe it was only days ago. It feels like a lifetime.
I clasp the stone in my hand against my neck and smile for the first time since having the first dream.
"Thank you, baby"
Then, he leans forward and kisses me so gently I begin to shake.
"I love you so much, Aria. I always will."
A single tear falls from my eye as I watch him walk out of the hospital room, never once turning back.