Thirty Four
"There are a few people that want to see you, Ms. Morgan. Would it be okay if I let them in one at a time?" She comes over to my bedside and checks my vitals.
Once she’s done, I nod to her. I know Kel, Lucas, and Farah must be out there and they must be worried sick. I may not want to see anyone right now, but I owe it to the ones that care about me to show them I’m okay.
"Could you possibly send my sister and her husband in, first?" I ask her.
The kind nurse nods and heads back out the way she came. I sit for a few minutes and when I see Kel step inside the room with Lucas beside her, I immediately feel a little less lonely. Her golden blonde hair is swept back into a high ponytail and she’s wearing Lucas’ U.S. Marines sweatshirt. I give her a small smile, and reach out my hand to her.
"Oh, Aria we were so worried. Are you OK, are you feeling OK?"
She sits on the side of my bed and kisses my forehead gently.
"Physically I’m OK, Kel. Please don’t worry about me, you have to worry about not just you, but that little one too. I’m fine." My voice breaks a little when I refer to her and Lucas’ bundle of joy. When I heard she was expecting, I was filled with joy for her and for Lucas. They’ve been through so much and they deserve the happy ending that she dreamed about when we were kids. But it feels like a knife twisting inside of me, knowing that we would have given birth together if only I hadn’t lost my baby girl. Somehow, my eyes begin to burn with emotion and hastily I turn my head away so my sister won’t see. Her hand reaches out to my shoulder and I feel Lucas’ concerned gaze on me even though I’m looking at the wall beside me.
"Aria, honey I’m so sorry. The doctor told us. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re feeling right now. I’m here for you, so is Lucas and Farah, Jaden, Dad and mom showed up last night. We’re all here to help you through this."
I gasp audibly at the news that my mother is here at the hospital. God. The last time I spoke to her was more than a year ago. The night my dear brother, Jeremy got into an accident and lost so much blood in the emergency room of this very hospital. It was the worst night in my family’s lives. The night we lost him.
I turn towards her and tell her to help me sit up. A shooting pain goes from my head to my stomach, but I bite my lip and breathe through it. Once I’m sitting up in bed with the pillows propping my back up, I take a slow sip of the water Lucas hands me. The smooth clear liquid slides down my throat like honey and it soothes my aching muscles to have something inside me.
"When did she get here?"
Kel takes my hand and gently squeezes.
"Last night around midnight. She begged us to let her see you, but you were still in critical condition and you weren’t allowed visitors. Honestly, I didn’t want her here, but Dad insisted we let her stay."
I don’t know how I feel about seeing my mother after over a year, but now more than ever, I need her. I have my family and friends here to help me get through this, but I know nothing will compare to making things right with my mother again.
"I want to see her, Kel."
Her honey brown eyes sear into mine and then she sighs and nods at me. She leans over and kisses my cheek.
"You’re going to be OK again, Aria."
As she leaves the room with Lucas trailing behind her, I doubt that.
***
The sedative the nurse gave me begins to set in as I wait for Kel to find our mother. My hands curl in the bed sheets as a mixture of sadness and longing finds its way to the surface. The emptiness hasn’t left me since I woke up and now it’s only accompanied with a sheer longing to see my mom again. It’s been a year since we’ve been face to face, why would she choose now to come back?
A small knock followed by the sound of the door opening slowly lets me know either my sister came back or…
"Ariana? Can I come in?" Her soft voice makes warmth spread along with a pinch of apprehension.
If she still blames me for Jeremy’s death how could I handle that?
I couldn’t. It would make the pain inside me so much worse knowing my mother hates me for something that was never my fault.
"I can’t believe you’re here, Mom. Why?" I search her face and she sits on the bed beside me. Her eyes are warm and sultry with the loving light I remember from every day growing up with her. She loved modeling and the brief stage acting she’d done, but her heart was at home with us. That’s why when Jeremy died, her world fell apart. Somewhere deep inside me I’m asking the same question she probably asked herself back over a year ago. Is the loss, the pain all I can feel now? Or can I still let love into my heart from those around me?
"I came as soon as I got off the plane, Sweetheart. How are you feeling?"
She sits beside me and wraps an arm around my back, supporting my weight.
"I feel so lost, Mom. I lost… I was pregnant." The words seem inadequate to describe the enormity of what I, what Gavin and I lost and I have to force myself to breathe once I’ve said the painful truth I still can’t fathom. My mom’s wide eyes fill with understanding as she nods and before I know it, I’m engulfed in her warm arms. The tears come and this time I don’t stop them. My cries are muffled into her black and gray blouse and she coos reassuring words like it’ll be okay and I’m here for you. Somehow, I hope she’s right.
The emotion erupts from the deepest parts inside me and my mother’s arms feel like the only thing holding me up.
"Shh, I’m here now, Sweetheart. I’ve got you. I’ve got you."
She repeats those three words over and over and lets me cry out all the pain, the agony centered in my heart with the loss I still can’t wrap my mind around. How can I? I didn’t even know I was pregnant and now it feels like a vise grips my heart and keeps squeezing. I remember dreaming about having children with Gavin. About a little girl that would be half of me and half of him. I want that so much and now, will that ever happen?
I think my mom feels me shudder against her so she pulls back and looks at me.
"I’m so sorry I haven’t been here, Ariana. When Jeremy left us, I couldn’t deal with the loss. Your father told me to hold on to you girls. To not push us away when we were all hurting so much. But it was like I couldn’t stop myself. None of what happened has ever been your fault, not this and not Jeremy’s accident. Life sucks, but you are so strong, Sweetheart. I’m just so sorry I left you girls to fend for yourselves all this time."
Light spreads through my chest at her honest words. She never blamed me. A part of me always longed to know that it wasn’t my fault and my mother didn’t truly blame me for his death and now my heart is a little lighter from that burden.
I nod and kiss my mom’s cheek in relief. After a moment, the question tumbling around my head tumbles out.
"I lost her, Mom. How could I not have known?"
Sighing, she wipes my wet cheeks clear and presses a kiss to my forehead.
"Sometimes the mind blocks out pain to protect the heart from it. You had no way of knowing unless you’d taken an early pregnancy test, but with everything going on, there was no way you could have known. This is not your fault."
My hair is swept from my face and the warmth in my mother’s amber gaze makes a sad smile cover my lips.
"I love you, Mom," I say into her embrace and when her arms tighten gently around my shoulders, I know she’s smiling.
"I love you, Ariana. I’ll never leave you girls again, I promise."
I pull back and nod, knowing she will keep her word.
"Everything is going to be okay. We’ll get you through this."
I sigh, partly in sadness and partly in acceptance of her words.
"I know"
***
When Lucas opens the door to my old apartment that Kel and I shared, it feels so weird to be standing here with my luggage in hand, which only consists of two bags and my purse. Some clothes, toiletries and keepsakes were mysteriously found in the doorway of my hospital room this morning and when I saw the handwritten note taped to the front of one of the bags, I knew it must have been Gavin. He hates this in every way possible, but he won’t let me go without the things I need. The written words from him made my heart beat just a little faster despite the state I was in.
Don’t think for a moment that this is me giving up. I told you once and I’ll tell you again. I won’t let go. I won’t give up on us. We haven’t even scratched the surface of our lives together. I love you.
-Gavin
Now, as I step inside the place I’d lived and been happy with my sister before meeting Gavin, it feels like another lifetime ago. Just after getting home from their honeymoon, Lucas and Kel moved out of here and into a quaint home in Waverly Springs just outside of the city so I know this place has hardly been lived in. I set my bags down just as a strong pair of hands squeeze my shoulders from behind me.
"I made an appointment for this afternoon with the therapist the doctor suggested. I can drive you if you want," Lucas says and everything inside me wants to revolt against the idea of going to another therapist. After landing in the hospital about six months ago, I had to see a regular mandated therapist twice a week and even though at first it made the depression and anxiety I was feeling that much worse, it did help. I know I have to do whatever it takes to help myself through this, if not for me or for Gavin and the life we’ve planned, for Tessa. I owe it to her to keep trying no matter how hard the future ahead of me seems. I nod and turn to give him a weak smile.
"Thanks, what time is the appointment?"
He looks briefly at his phone and then back up at me.
"Four. I have to go pick up Kel from the school, but I’ll see you at three thirty?"
I’d completely forgotten that Kel had a training class this morning. She wanted to do elementary school teaching now that her future with Lucas was flourishing. She’d always wanted to do it but now seemed like time for her.
"Of course! I’m just going to unpack and make some lunch. Say hi to Kel for me."
He nods and presses a kiss on my forehead before heading out the way he came in.
I turn and rub my hand over the center of my chest where I ache to be in Gavin’s-our home, instead of here. Even after only two days of being away from him, I miss him.
"Hey, Ari?" Lucas calls from the doorway and I turn.
"You’ve got this." The note of confidence that I wouldn’t give up at the lowest time in my life makes me smile genuinely for the first time in what feels like a very long time.
"I knew my sister was right for keeping you around, Luke. I really needed to hear that, thank you."
He grins and I see both understanding and pride in his green eyes.
"Anytime."
When he finally closes the door behind him, I go to the lock and lock both the chain and the doorknob. Out of habit, I guess. There is truly no threat now but I still feel safer with the door locked.
Looking around me, I sigh. What if this is what my life consists of now? If I can’t heal, if it isn’t possible, can I truly force myself to stay away from the one man I love more than anything? A few weeks, maybe even a few months I can withstand, but longer? God, I don’t know if I can do that. I guess I just have to have faith that time will heal both my grief from losing such a precious gift and my sadness now that our lives may never be the same.