Chapter 43
Right on the other side of the door was the worst thing I fared, I one thing that I questioned from the beginning and the one thing that hurt more than anything I’ve ever been through and I’ve been through a lot.
There on the other side of the door was Chris arms and lips on another woman’s.
I didn't know how long I stood there; all I remember was seeing this girl’s arms wrapped around his neck pressing her perfect models body into his against the wooden table. His arms where on her shoulders as the broke apart, with Chris’s face looking red and hot, which I only imagined to be lust. It was a weird and strength feeling inside me… I felt hollow inside, like I didn't feel anything. For a moment I couldn't see anything, do anything, and say anything, for that one moment I was completely and utterly dead inside. I felt a cold chill running down my spine and going straight into my heart like needle causing shooting stabbing pains.
I haven’t moved since I entered the door but I could see Chris staring at me and calling my name. He looked scared and shocked about what was going on, the girl next to him turned around and I saw that it was one of Jess’s friends Mary.
“Ah Mary! How could you?” Jess said but I could hear the humour in her voice, she had finally got her own way. I felt her bend down from behind me and say something in my ear on the lines of.
“Looks like I won sis” she breathed evilly into my ear. I turned back to just stare at her, was this how much she hated me. How could someone hurt someone like that I just don’t get it. What have I done wrong?
“Lea” I heard a low deep cry come from the room I turned and saw Chris walking towards me to explain but I couldn’t be near him right now. I felt sick and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t be in here anymore. I turned back round to see a smiling Jess, she got what she wanted. I pushed passed her and ran as fast as I could away from everything.
I ran up the stairs to the room a shut the door hard behind me and slide down to the floor brought my head to my knees I can’t work out when I started crying but I suddenly started to fill the wet feel of the tears full from my face soaking my trousers.
I heard strong heavy steps coming towards the room; somehow I knew it was Chris. I still didn’t want to see him so I lifted my hand up to the inside lock just in time as he tried to open the door.
“Lea?” he called but I didn’t say a thing, just cried silent tears. “Lea please, it wasn’t what it looked like” he said again nocking harder on the door. With my back against the door I could hear everything so clearly on the other side. I could hear him breathing heavily from where he most likely ran up here in such speed.
“Lea” I heard his harsh voice say. A voice that once caused my heart beats with happiness but now beats of fear and anger. How can a feeling change so quickly how can someone change of being so happy and so loved too then feel the cold sting of deaf running through your veins. This was the voice I fell in love with but this wasn't the man that made me feel so joyed but a stranger who had just broken my heart.
“Please” I could hear the sadness in his voice and my heart broke all over again. I could hear him crying and I could feel myself falling again but no! Not again I have been so naive to have thought that someone like Chris could change. I wasn’t the game changer like Ben said. Once a player always a player, isn’t that what everyone has been telling me. I knew Jess had something to do with what happened back there but everything that she said was running through my head. Why would he have been interested in somebody like me, someone who is just normal nothing special nothing different from the rest of the women down stairs, how did I really believe that a guy like him could love me, when in reality guys like him only love himself.
“Please Lea, it wasn’t what it looked like. I know that’s what all guys say but this is true, she just came in and started flirting with me I didn’t even flirt back and then all a sudden she was kissing me… I was in shock but after a second I push her away” He said. “I didn’t want her on me Lea, you’re the only one I want. Forever”
Was what he was saying true? Was it all her? But why would she do that, I’ve met Mary and she’s seemed ok. It didn’t make sense. Should I believe him and risk being cheated on and having my heart broken again or should I walk away and risk being wrong and losing the guy I love because a stupid mistake.
I didn’t know what to do. I loved him still and wanted to be with him but is that clouding my judgment for what was right in front of me.
I was so confused. I didn’t know what to do, I needed time.
“Lea?” he called again but after a long silence I heard him sign. “Please don’t shut me out. I love you” he hit the door again. “I love you… and I’m not letting you go because some stupid misunderstanding. I’m going to fight” he shouted on the other side the door. Every one of his words hit me hard.
“Please don’t shut me out”
I didn’t move, didn’t say anything. It was silent until I heard him get up off the floor.
“I’ll give you time” he said before walking away.
Heard that he was gone a silently rose back on my feet standing in the room emotionless and cold. I never felt like this before, I felt lost and alone. When I left my parents when I was younger I felt alone and scared but this was different, this was bigger than before.
They your younger and you fall you pick yourself up and move along… but when you’re older it’s further to fall and harder to get back up.
As I looked around the room I felt the walls becoming smaller and smaller like I was being suffocated and I needed to leave. I crabbed my gym bag and started packing before he came back and stopped me. Because I knew he had the power to say the words to stop me. I was weak to his words… but not anymore. Now I would try my hardest to be strong. I pulled my dress off and changed into jeans and a top so I could get started leaving this place.
I can’t believe I let myself fall so fast after just one week. I mean I’ve been in love with him for months at work but the first week we’re actually together I sleep with him… I mean how slutly is that?
And now he got what he wanted I see him with another woman. He was just feeding me everything that I wanted to hear to make me fall into bed with him. I have to admit he was good, really good. I believed and fell for everything, every moment of it.
The sad part was that deep down inside me I wasn’t even angry at him, I was angry at myself. I was angry that I let my guard down, angry that I fell for it all, angry that I wasn’t angry at him and angry because… I still loved him.
There is a party going on down stairs, people having fun and enjoying themselves and I’m up here crying with my heart broken. There was no way I could put a smile on for those people.
I was rushing around in a wild rage that I didn’t hear the door open behind me. I jumped out of my skin and turned to look at Chris he looked like he’d seen a ghost with that white skin.
“How did you get in?” I asked
“I always had a key, earlier I just wanted you to open the door not me… what are you doing?” he asked looking at the bags behind me. I turned to look at them to and when I turned back round I was shocked to find Chris standing so close to me.
“Why are you packing?” he asked in a deep hush voice. His voice annoyed me so much, why was he angry? I was the one that was meant to be angry.
“I’m going back to London” I said moving away from him, continuing to pack.
“Tonight?” his voice louder and shocked. I just nodded at him not trusting my voice to speak. I had to be strong.
“Lea, come on please! You have to know that I would never do anything like that to you. I love you! I don’t want that girl back there or any other girl I just want you don’t you believe me?” large tears started falling down my face. I’m so confused in what to feel and do, I just need to be alone, even though his words made me feel that warm feeling inside I still couldn’t bring myself to believe any of it.
“I don’t know what to believe anymore Chris. I never thought that someone like you would have like someone like me but when it happened I didn’t question it and went in deep. Now… now I’m questioning it and I just can’t believe any of it” I brushed past him to get more of my things as quickly as possible but still managed to feel the heat coming off his body… No! Don’t think about that.
“So you don’t believe me… you don’t trust what I feel for you?” he was getting upset and I could feel myself backing down but I took in a big breath and tried to get a hold of myself. “Is this just about what happened back there with that girl or is this something to do with something else because I’m confused here” he asked. “I don’t understand what’s going on with you”
“You don’t understand? You’re confused? Which bit don’t you understand Chris? Was it the part where I walked in on you and the sexy model kissing in the library?”
“I told you she kissed me!” he shouted
“I can’t deal with this right now, I need to leave” I said zipping up my things ready to go.
“Oh that’s just typical Lea running away as soon as things get hard” he said raising his hands up dramatically.
“What is that meant to mean? I’m not running away” I shouted at him.
“Oh come on Lea you ran when you were younger when things got tuff and you’re going it now after than sticking it out and working at it. Stop running and fight” he shouted back at me.
“Tuff? Tuff!” my voice went so high only dogs could hear. “You call your cousin nearly rapping you just tuff?”
“No that’s not what I meant…”
“Than what did you mean Chris?”
“Look your now just picking a fight, focus on what we’re fighting about and that’s you running away from me because what you imagined you saw back there”
“Imagined?”
“Yes! Your mind is so fixed on this relationship not working out that you’re making it that way”
“This is all me is it, I made you kiss Mary”
“For the last time SHE KISSED ME”
“Oh come on Chris, it takes two and it looked like you enjoyed it. I don’t know why I’m not surprised once a player always a player” I said with tears running heavy down my face.
“So that’s how you see me is it… A player?” he looked really hurt from asking me that and I didn’t understand why, he calls himself a player all the time. What difference did it make if I called him that or not?
“You’re just a guy who gets whatever he wants and when he’s bored moves on to something new and exciting. Once a player all ways a player” I said in a hush tone.
“You know this was one of the reasons I was worried about loving you, my old player ways. I thought you’d hate me and judge me of my past but you know what, I thought no my Lea would never judge anyone like that. I guess I was wrong. But what you don’t understand Lea is I was a player… in the past and haven’t been one since I fell in love with you. I just never thought you’d judge me on my past” he said looking away at the ground.
“…but it’s not the past is it because I just walked in on you and her. In the present Chris and you have no idea how much that hurt?” I turned away from him again. I was breaking down and I couldn’t help it.
“You don’t think I know how that feels? A woman forces herself on me in front of the woman I love and then to have to see her heart break in front of my eyes and be the reason for that heart break… you think I don’t feel hurt right now? You don’t think I know how much you’re hurting?” I could see his face go redder and his eyes looked wet like he was going to cry. I don’t know what I would do if he did.
“Do you know how it feels being accused of breaking the heart of the women you love and then her tell you that she doesn’t believe or trust you?” he said and I couldn’t think of anything to reply with.
I was trying to think about what he was saying but every time I closed my eyes I would see him and Mary kissing.
“I have to go” I picked up my bag and walked over to the door.
“Lea?” he called but I spoke first.
“I think we went into this relationship to fast to notice that, we don’t know each other atoll. Maybe we’re just wrong for each other” I said without even thinking. His eyes met mine and I saw the cold sting of hurt flash through his eyes. I don’t know why I said that. I wasn’t wrong about him, I knew he was the one I loved, I know everything I needed to know about him and he know everything about me too, too well and I don’t think I even believe we’re wrong for each other. I wanted him to speak up and argue against what I said, deep down I wanted him to fight like he said he would but instead he spoke the two words that hurt more than anything.
“Your right” he said looking back away.
I wanted to say I didn’t mean it, that I was just angry at everything. The way he was staying there shocked and hurt, in the moment I thought that I just saw him kiss someone else, I just wanted it to all go away.
I walked out the door not saying another word being said.
Chris had given me this strength that I never knew I had and had made me strong. I started seeing things differently and looking forward to the future other than fearing it. He’d made me smile and laugh and helped me see myself clearer. He gives me this light and now there is only the dark.
I walked as quickly as I could trying not to be seen by anyone, I asked at the office if one of Granddads cars was here for me to take. After explaining who I was they went to go find him to ask if it was ok for me to take it but came back with Nan instead.
“Darling?’ she asked looking worried at the tears running down my face. I didn’t really want to explain and now wasn’t really the best time.
“Nan, could I borrow one of the cars to go back to London?” I asked
“Well yes but why?” she pulled her arm around my shoulders, holding me tight.
“It’s nothing really I’m just being silly but I really just want to go back home to London now”
“But don’t you think it’s a bit late to be driving home now, it’s near four hours back in London and its ten o’clock now. Its dark and it’s raining… no, no I will not have it. It’s too far and dangerous” she looked straight at me worried. Thinking about it four hours was a long drive but I could always stop somewhere to stay the night but then a thought entered my mind.
“Nan, could I go to yours and Granddads house?” It was only two hours away and then I could stay there till they get back.
“Of course you can but it’s still dangerous out there and I can see your upset. Just promise me that you’ll be safe” she hugged me tight. “Me and your Granddad will be there in two days so we’ll see you there?” I nodded. “Then you can tell me what’s going on yes?”
“I will Nan and thanks for understanding” I hugged her back. She was so understanding, she know I would only leave like this if I really felt like I had to without even saying buy to Granddad and she knew I didn’t want to talk about it.
“I love you” I whispered
“I love you too my beautiful girl”
And with that I left the party, left the friends I had made and the family I had left to love.
I had left Chris and my heart.