Chapter 12 – It’s all about being Dead, yet alive.
Ladakh…..!!!
A sudden posting in Ladakh, a high altitude desert region of India in the state of Jammu and Kashmir, sparsely populated with a heavy presence of Indian Army.
He is going to Ladakh and he didn’t wish to meet me, say a Goodbye, apologize, regret, patch up, or anything. My mind was restless; I could not understand why has he done all this to me?
It all ended like a joke; as if it was a mere date game. All dreams were shattered within a minute as if he had no emotions attached with me. It was so hard to believe that the man who has loved you madly from the past four years will suddenly move away from you with the most practical attitude.
2 A.M.
“We need to meet” I texted
Insomnia all around, I received a call in the morning 5:45 am.
Priya…I won’t be able to meet you, just try and understand my situation. Why can’t you accept the reality, come out of your fanatic fantasy world. There is no future together, stop bothering about me and stop bothering me.
Tears in my eyes with a heavy voice I just questioned- you mean, you don’t need me?
A rude reply came from the other side- No and I am already on my way, travelling to Ladakh. I can never meet you again.
Life felt so blunt, I didn’t know how to respond and react. It was a smash on my face; a punishment for lifelong because I committed the crime of trusting someone again. I was treated like a culprit and my sin was falling in love with a man who values his family the most. He can play with a girl’s feelings, he can flirt with her, spend the most romantic times of his life with her but when it comes to give a social status to the relation he just denied. He is going away, all of a sudden.
It was a disdainful event of life. That awkward moment when you realize that you didn’t love a hero, you loved a coward who denied taking a stand for you. The orthodox Indian system and family pressure were strong enough to deny his so called sublime love for you. I was fighting with my own thoughts, the mind accepted the break up but the heart denied it each time. Sometimes I felt that may be he actually cares about my happiness and hence he is walking away from me. A guy who never let me walk alone on roads has now left me to survive and live on my own.
I had to digest all the pains because I had no other option then to accept the reality which became a harsh hell. Every day I tried to move on, the same questions banged my head- why he left me to mourn all alone?
Somebody rightly said, love is a fictional phenomena made to satiate the reader’s mind. It can never be a reality; it’s just an over lucrative, decorated illusion created in novels, books, fairy-tales and movies. Those who are foolish enough to believe such silly stories end up with a tormented heart, which can never rejuvenate.
When a relationship dies it feels as if a man has died. One needs to begin searching new reasons to live, your entire life become unstable and wavering. The depressive flow is so contagious that even your best buddies and family get upset because of your sadistic approach towards life.
I was trying to help myself, I am not a teenager; who can’t handle a denial but even after being a mature lady who has a job, a family, a healthy social life and friend circle it was so difficult.
It’s never easy to forgive someone and move ahead. Any man in uniform, news about the Indian army in any newspaper or television, an army truck standing on the roadside, a black ambassador, or just a simple sweet romantic song were strong enough to evoke all the past memories again. While I was trying to move ahead, life used to pull me back to my lost world. The world: that didn’t belong to me. It was never mine but I was stupid enough to believe that it is a beautiful dream that will come true. Living in a devastated real world was my reality.
Forget about meeting him, I didn’t receive a single call or a message from him since past 4 months. It was so easy for him to get attached to me, get close to me and then getting detached without any sigh of pain, grief or guilt.
Life was over, tortured and tormented like a page of an old book which has no value. I was thrown away by my own self amidst the depth of darkness…..!!!!