YOU:
YOU TOLD ME IN THE HALL JUST NOW THAT YOU
HAD A GREAT NEW YEAR'S DAY AND THEN YOU
FLASHED ME A PICTURE OF A PICTURE PROVING
THAT YOU WON. WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH
THAT? I HAD A PICTURE OF ONE OF THE MOST
EXPENSIVE SPORTS CARS IN THE WORLD AND
YOU SMOKE ME WITH A PICTURE OF A PICTURE.
WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND GIVES AS A GIFT A
MILLION DOLLAR PICASSO? NOBODY DOES THAT!
THAT’S NOT A GIFT! THAT’S AN INVESTMENT.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WON. THAT’S SO . . .
IT’S SO . . . WELL, IT’S JUST RUDE! (AND I’M NOT
A SORE LOSER. I’M A POOR LOSER. THERE’S A
DIFFERENCE AND YOUR PICTURE PROVES IT. YOU
SHOULD PITY ME. EVEN IF MY DAD EARNS MORE
THAN YOURS, I’M THE ONE THAT HAS TO COUGH
UP THE COOKIES . . . WAIT. . . THAT WAS A BAD
CHOICE OF WORDS.)
SMOKED BY A PICTURE OF A PICTURE.
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UNBELIEVABLE!
WELL, I CAN’T SPEAK FOR YOU BUT I’M READY TO
TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
AND, NO, I’M GOING TO SKIP RIGHT OVER THE
FACT THAT I’M THE ONLY ONE OF THE TWO OF US
THAT ACTUALLY HAD THEIR PICTURE TAKEN WITH
SANTA. I MADE A COMPLETE FOOL OF MYSELF
WHILE YOU DIDN’T PARTICIPATE IN THE CLEARLY
OPTIONAL CHOICE OF HAVING YOUR PICTURE
TAKEN WITH SANTA.
AND, BY THE WAY, I FIND IT VERY DIFFICULT TO
BELIEVE THAT FOR AN ENTIRE TWO WEEKS YOU
NEVER CAME ACROSS A SINGLE SANTA CLAUS
WHILE YOU WERE OUT SHOPPING WITH YOUR
FAMILY. OF COURSE, I ALSO REALIZE THAT YOU
NEVER ACTUALLY DENIED THAT YOU EVER SAW AN
UNIDENTIFIED SANTA OBJECT IN THE MALL. I JUST
FEEL LIKE BEING OVERLY DRAMATIC FOR
WHATEVER REASON WITH ALL OF THIS.
AT LEAST YOU CHECKED OUT SOME PERFUME
AND COLOGNE AND I DID TOO. IN FACT, THAT
WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO DO OVER
THE BREAK. AND IF YOU HEAR THAT S. B. WAS
ALSO AT THE MALL WHEN I WAS, IN FACT, AT THE
SAME PERFUME COUNTER AS I WAS, YES, IT’S
TRUE THAT SHE TOOK SOME COLOGNE AND
SPLASHED IT ON ME AND PROCEEDED TO
“SAMPLE” IT ON MY NECK. BUT JUST KNOW THAT
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I TOOK NO REAL PLEASURE IN THAT EXPERIENCE.
IT’S ACTUALLY KIND OF HARD TO ENJOY WHEN
YOUR PARENTS WALK UP TO YOU
INTERRUPTING A FLIRTATIOUS FEMALE THAT’S
SNIFFING YOUR NECK WHILE SHE'S SAYING LOUD
ENOUGH FOR PRETTY MUCH ANYONE NEAR TO
HEAR, “ANYTIME YOU WANT . . . I CAN MAKE YOU
HAPPY. THERE’S NOTHING I WON’T DO.”
(AS I RECALL, HER MOVES WERE INTERRUPTED BY
MY FATHER’S INCREDIBLY LOUD “EXCUSE ME! BUT
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TO MY SON?!” I’M CHUCKLING NOW
RECALLING IT BECAUSE YOU SHOULD’VE SEEN MY
DAD’S FACE. YOU WOULD’VE THOUGHT SHE WAS
GIVING ME LEPROSY OR SOMETHING. IT WAS
CLASSIC!)
BUT DESPITE WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A
RATHER EMBARRASSING MOMENT FOR HER WITH
ME IN THE MALL, I’M CONFIDENT THAT THAT
EXPERIENCE WON’T STOP HER FROM DOING HER
USUAL STOP BY TO RUN HER FINGERS THROUGH
MY HAIR SOMETIME TODAY IN THE HALL. SHE’S
APPARENTLY INCORRIGIBLE IN HER FLIRTATIOUS
WAYS.
SO WORD TO THE WISE, IF YOU HEAR ANY
RUMORS ABOUT SHE AND I FROM OVER THE
BREAK, THEY’RE JUST RUMORS AND NOTHING
MORE. THERE’S NOTHING BETWEEN US. THERE
NEVER HAS BEEN AND THERE NEVER WILL BE.
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SHE’S NOT EXACTLY MY TYPE.
IN FACT, JUST BEFORE THE CHRISTMAS BREAK,
SOME GUYS IN THE LOCKER ROOM AFTER GYM
CLASS WERE TEASING ME THAT I’M PAST DUE
FOR LOSING MY VIRGINITY AND THAT THEY HAD
THE “PERFECT” CANDIDATE TO AID ME IN THAT
“LUST WORTHY” ENDEAVOR. YOU COULD TAKE A
GUESS AT WHO THEY CHOSE FOR ME BUT I’LL
JUST SPARE YOU THE SUSPENSE AND TELL YOU
THEY WERE RECOMMENDING S. B..
SO I ASKED THEM. I SAID, “OKAY. . . SO WHAT IF
I FOLLOW YOUR FOOL’S PLAN? WHAT NEXT?
WHERE WILL IT LEAD?” AND OF COURSE THEY
SAID “NIRVANA, MAN!” AND THEY ALL LAUGHED.
AND I COULDN’T STOP MYSELF FROM SAYING
BOLDLY, “YOU GUYS ARE SO UNCOOL! YOU
ACTUALLY WANT ME TO GO GET SOME S.T.I. OR
SOME BUFFET OF S.T.I.S AND THEN WHAT?
WHO’S GOING TO PAY FOR MY DOCTOR’S BILLS
TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMS THAT COME WITH IT?
WHO? YOU J. T.? OR YOU C. J.?
WHO’S GOING TO COMPENSATE ME FOR ANY
SICK DAYS I HAVE TO TAKE AWAY FROM WORK IN
MY FUTURE CAREER THAT COSTS ME MONEY –
MAYBE EVEN MY JOB – TEN OR TWENTY YEARS
FROM NOW AFTER I HAVE SEX WITH HER? YOU
D. B.? ARE YOU GOING TO PAY FOR WHAT
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HAPPENS TO ME IF I FOLLOW YOUR FOOL, PEER
PRESSURE ADVICE? NO! I WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR
IT AND NONE OF YOU GUYS WILL EVEN BE
AROUND WHEN MY SUFFERING STARTS – LIKELY
BEGINNING IN JUST A MATTER OF DAYS FROM
DOING IT.
AND I HAVEN'T EVEN MENTIONED THE POTENTIAL
LOSS OF MY SOUL FOR DOING IT BEFORE
MARRIAGE, IN CASE ANY HERE BELIEVE IN
GOD...AND, BY THE WAY, I DO.
AND WHAT ABOUT HER? WHAT ABOUT HER SOUL
AND SALVATION? WHAT ABOUT HER FUTURE? ARE
YOU EVEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS IF
ONE OF YOU IDIOTS PUSHES SOME GUY TO HAVE
SEX WITH HER, TO USE HER AND THEN WHAT
HAPPENS IF SHE GETS PREGNANT? HUH? WHAT
HAPPENS?
ARE ONE OF YOU GUYS GOING TO BE AROUND TO
HELP HER DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF
YOUR PARTICIPATION SINCE YOU PUSHED
SOMEONE TO DO THAT TO HER? ARE ANY OF YOU
GOING TO PAY FOR HER CHILD CARE OR
BABYSITTERS OR RENT FOR HER HOUSE IF SHE
CHOOSES TO KEEP THE CHILD OF YOUR PEER
PRESSURE STUPIDITY? NO. YOU’LL ALL FLEE LIKE
COWARDS AND SAY SHE DESERVES IT WHEN, IN
FACT, YOU GUYS DESERVE TO BE CHARGED WITH
PARTICIPATION IN A CRIME.
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WHAT CRIME? THE CRIME OF PERPETUATING
POTENTIALLY FATAL SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED
INFECTIONS AND PERPETUATING THE POVERTY
CYCLE HERE IN AMERICA BECAUSE OVER 90% OF
TEEN GIRLS THAT GET PREGNANT AND CHOOSE TO
KEEP THEIR BABIES WILL END UP LIVING THEIR
ENTIRE LIVES IN POVERTY – BROKE, POOR,
HUNGRY AND VULNERABLE TO A WHOLE VARIETY
OF CRIMES YOU AND I MAY NEVER HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE WE’RE GUYS AND WE’RE
PROBABLY GOING TO EARN MORE MONEY SINCE
WE PROBABLY WON’T EVER HAVE ANY CHILDREN
UNTIL AFTER WE’VE GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE
AND HAVE A GOOD JOB.
"SOME OF YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A
GUY GETS A GIRL DRUNK AND SHE GETS
PREGNANT. SHE CAN BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC
AND LOSE CUSTODY OF HER CHILDREN WHEN THE
GOVERNMENT COMES AND TAKES HER CHILDREN
AWAY FROM HER AND PUTS THEM IN FOSTER
CARE SINCE SHE'S AN ADDICT AND THE FATHER
OF HER KIDS WAS IRRESPONSIBLE AND SELFISH
BY ABANDONING HER FINANCIALLY AND
EMOTIONALLY YEARS BEFORE SO IF SHE CAN'T
CARE FOR HER KIDS THEN TOTAL STRANGERS
HAVE TO.
“WHAT KIND OF STRANGERS? CHILD MOLESTERS
THAT TRICK ORGANIZATIONS INTO HIRING THEM
TO "CARE" FOR KIDS. OR DECEPTIVE STEP-DADS.
GUYS THAT WANT TO MARRY THE MOTHER OF
YOUR KIDS - NOT BECAUSE HE LOVES HER BUT
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BECAUSE HE WANTS EASY ACCESS TO ONE OR
MORE OF HER KIDS TO MOLEST. BUT HIS SMILES
AND CHARMS FOOL HER INTO MARRYING HIM.
"AS LONG AS HE CAN GET ALONE WITH HER KIDS
AWAY FROM HER THEN HE CAN DO WHAT HE
WANTS WITH THEM SEXUALLY. MAYBE SHE'S A
DEEP SLEEPER AT NIGHT OR HE MAKES SURE SHE
SLEEPS DEEPLY OR HE "WORKS" FROM HOME
WHILE SHE WORKS AWAY FROM HOME DURING
THE DAY THEN HE CAN FULFILL HIS DARK DESIRES
WHILE SHE JUST BELIEVES HE'S SOME GREAT GUY
FOR MARRYING HER AND PUTTING A SO-CALLED
END TO THE PROBLEMS OF HER BEING A SINGLE
MOM.
“BUT HE'LL NEVER ADMIT WHAT HE'S UP TO AND
HE'S PROBABLY THREATENED HER KIDS WITH
SOME EVIL TO KEEP THEM QUIET. NOW IF ANY OF
YOU HAVE ALREADY BEEN VICTIMS OF THIS, WHY
WOULD YOU WANT IT TO HAPPEN TO SOMEONE
ELSE? STATISTICS SHOW THAT NEARLY 99% OF
ALL CHILD MOLESTERS ARE MALE. WHY WOULD
YOU WANT TO PERPETUATE THAT CYCLE?
"AS LONG AS THERE'S NOT ENOUGH MONEY
EARNED FOR HER FAMILY THEN SHE HAS TO BE
AWAY FROM HOME. IF THE MOTHER,- THE
SAFEST, MOST TRUSTWORTHY ADULT FOR HER
KIDS TO BE WITH – MUST BE AWAY FROM HOME
THEN HER KIDS HAVE TO BE SENT TO DAYCARE
OR SOME OTHER PLACE WHERE HER CHILDREN
ARE AT RISK FOR VARIOUS KINDS OF ABUSE AND
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CERTAINLY SUFFER EMOTIONALLY FROM HAVING
TO BE AWAY FROM THE KIND OF EMOTIONAL
SECURITY THAT ONLY BEING AT HOME WITH MOM
BRINGS.
“I BELIEVE WE WILL ALL ONE DAY BE HELD
ACCOUNTABLE BEFORE GOD FOR EVERY ONE OF
OUR CHOICES. DON'T YOU THINK FOR ONE
MINUTE HE'S NOT GOING TO PUNISH THOSE THAT
FREELY CHOOSE TO CAUSE OTHERS TO SUFFER.
THERE MUST BE CONSEQUENCES FOR OUR
CHOICES. GOOD CONSEQUENCES OR REWARDS
FOR GOOD CHOICES AND NEGATIVE
CONSEQUENCES FOR OUR BAD CHOICES.
“WHAT WILL YOU DO IF YOU GET A GIRL
PREGNANT AND THEN ABANDON HER AND SHE
WANTS TO KEEP HER KIDS RATHER THAN PUTTING
THEM UP FOR ADOPTION TO A FAMILY WHERE
THEY EARN ENOUGH FOR THE MOTHER TO GIVE
THEM THE BEST CARE?
“HOW WILL YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION YOUR
KIDS ARE BOUND TO ASK YOU AFTER THIS LIFE,
QUESTIONS LIKE: 'WHY DID YOU MAKE ME STAY
WITH THOSE STRANGE MEN AT THAT DAYCARE OR
IN FOSTER CARE? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
DID TO ME? I COULDN'T DEFEND MYSELF
BECAUSE THEY WERE SO MUCH STRONGER AND
BIGGER THAN ME. I COULD GET IN TROUBLE FOR
DISOBEYING AN ADULT. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME
TO GO THROUGH SUCH SUFFERING?
80
“WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE MOM POSSIBLY NO
OTHER CHOICE BUT TO LEAVE ME WITH
STRANGERS TO BE ABUSED BY THE SAME GUY(S)
FOR OVER FOUR YEARS? NO ONE SHOULD EVER
GET GONORRHEA OF THE THROAT - ESPECIALLY
NOT A SIX- YEAR- OLD OR EVEN A TEEN.'
“DO ANY OF YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THE
CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS UPON
OTHERS BEFORE YOU ACT? I CAN TELL THAT THE
ANSWER TO THAT IS ‘NO’ AND THAT IT’S ABOUT
TIME THAT YOU STARTED!”
I THREW DOWN MY TOWEL AND WALKED OUT. I
WAS SO DISGUSTED AND TICKED. I’VE GOT A
PITCHER OF ICE WATER THAT CARES MORE ABOUT
MY HAPPINESS AND HEALTH AND THE WELFARE OF
OTHERS MORE THAN THEY DO.
SOME GUYS ARE SO STUPID TO THINK THAT THEY
SUPPOSEDLY HAVE TO HAVE SEX JUST TO PROVE
SOMETHING TO OTHER GUYS – LIKE “YOU MUST
BE GAY IF YOU’RE A STILL A VIRGIN” OR “YOU’RE
NOT A REAL MAN IF YOU HAVEN’T HAD SEX YET.”
THEY DON’T EVEN REALIZE THAT WHAT THEY’RE
REALLY SAYING IS THAT ONLY GUYS WITH S.T.I.S
AND ABANDONED EX-GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAVE
GIVEN BIRTH TO THEIR EQUALLY ABANDONED
CHILDREN ARE “REAL MEN.” WHAT A SCREWED UP
DEFINITION OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN.
THAT’S NOT WHAT A “REAL” MAN IS.
81
DON’T ANY OF THESE GUYS HAVE DECENT GOD-
LOVING FATHERS TO SHOW THEM THAT BEING A
MAN MEANS TAKING RESPONSIBILITY AND BEING
CARING ENOUGH NOT TO PUT OTHERS INTO
DIFFICULT POSITIONS TO BEGIN WITH? AND I’D
SAY THAT TEEN PREGNANCY AND S.T.I.S ARE
DIFFICULT POSITIONS TO BE IN LIFE WHEN YOU’VE
MADE WRONG CHOICES.
ONE GUY SAID A GIRL HE WAS PUSHING FOR SEX
FINALLY TOLD HIM SHE WAS NOT ON BIRTH
CONTROL. HE DUMPED HER AFTER THAT.
I SAY GOOD FOR HER. SHE DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE
SEX WITH HIM. THE FACT THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE
THE PHYSICAL PROBLEMS THAT COME FROM
TAKING BIRTH CONTROL NOR THE FINANCIAL
HASSLE OF IT ALL SAYS TO ME THAT SHE MADE A
GOOD CHOICE.
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE FOR A GIRL TO TAKE
BIRTH CONTROL WHEN YOU'RE COMMITTED TO
NOT HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. SHE GETS
TO AVOID SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH HER
WISDOM. THAT WAS COOL FOR ME TO HEAR.
WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT’S ENOUGH LECTURING
ABOUT WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW REGARDING
THE CLEAR DEFICIT IN THE INTELLIGENCE POINTS
OF AVERAGE MALE TEENS – HOPEFULLY WITH THE
EXCEPTION OF YOURS TRULY HERE.
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SO ANYHOO . . . I GUESS YOU’VE NEVER SEEN
THAT SIDE OF ME. I’M FAIRLY PROTECTIVE OF
WOMEN AND I BELIEVE THEY DESERVE MORE
RESPECT THAN THEY GET FROM GUYS (AND EVEN
SOMETIMES FROM ONE ANOTHER). BUT SINCE
THAT TENDENCY TO STAND FOR WHAT’S RIGHT
REGARDING PEER PRESSURE AND SEX IS A TRAIT
THAT I FEEL IS GOOD TO HAVE, DON’T EXPECT ME
TO CHANGE OR LEAVE IT ANYTIME SOON
BECAUSE THAT’S JUST WHO I AM.
TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME BUT ON THAT SUBJECT I
WON’T BE CHANGING HOPEFULLY EVER (UNLESS
IT’S SOMEHOW FOR THE BETTER).
IT’S A GOOD THING YOU DON’T SPEND MUCH
TIME IN MALE LOCKER ROOMS. YOU’D PROBABLY
THROW UP TO KNOW JUST HOW PERVERTED
SOME GUYS CAN BE ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF
SEX.
YOU HALF-JOKED ABOUT WANTING TO VISIT AN
EMPTY MALE RESTROOM TO GET DIRT SAMPLES,
BUT IF YOU EVER WANT TO ENTER A MALE LOCKER
ROOM – EVEN AN EMPTY ONE – I HIGHLY
RECOMMEND THAT YOU WEAR A BIOHAZARD SUIT
TO PROTECT YOU FROM . . . A LOT OF SCARY
STUFF. (I’M ONLY HALF-JOKING ABOUT THAT.)
WELL, I’M GLAD YOU SEEMED TO HAVE ENJOYED
YOUR CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY. AND OVERALL, EVEN
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THOUGH I REALLY MISSED YOU, MY CHRISTMAS
BREAK WAS GREAT!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
LATER!
ME
P.S. I GUESS THERE’S NO AVOIDING THE
INEVITABLE QUESTION: WHAT KIND OF
HOMEMADE COOKIES DO YOU WANT?
84
[6th anonymous note put in your locker.]
January 14
You looked at me in the hall recently and it’s
almost as if you knew who I really am. You
looked, it seemed, for a long time. Or maybe you
were actually looking at someone else.
Whatever was happening at that moment you
had me absolutely paralyzed in a delirious high
for a few moments that seemed to last an
eternity.
You could have walked right up to me and asked
me flat out, “Is it you?” and I wouldn’t have been
able to stop myself from confessing everything.
I would have said, “Yes. I’m the one that’s
leaving you love letters in your locker. Yes. I am
your Secret Admirer.” But that’s not what
happened. And thank goodness too because
shortly after I would have confessed would have
been about the time I would have subsequently
passed out from a sudden heart attack of utter
happiness to be so close to you and have you
know the truth with the hope – even if it’s a slim
hope – that you would want me as much as I
want you.
Maybe it would be a good idea for you to bring
EMT paddles for CPR with you everywhere you
85
go in case you ever do approach me and ask
me the question I’m too afraid to answer today
and nearly every day.
But until then, I remain in the hidden prison of
my heart often dreaming of you.
Love,
Your Secret Admirer
…Roaring out power greater than a stormy
ocean out of control…
86
[7th anonymous note put in your locker.]
January 21
Title: “No Place Better”
There is no place better to be than here with you
It brings a feeling better than Christmas
I’ve seen some of the most extravagant places
around the world
I’ve seen some of the most spectacular views
But there’s no better view than seeing you
It’s better than the finest art any great artist
could make
There is no place better to be than here with you
It brings a feeling better than the best birthday
I’ve heard some of the finest music the world
has ever known
I’ve tasted some of the finest drinks from the
purest vines
But there’s no better sound than your voice in
my ears
And I bet that the taste of your kiss is better than
anything else on earth
There is no place better to be than here with you
It brings a feeling better than the greatest roller
coaster high
87
I’ve read some of the most renowned books by
the best scholars
I’ve learned some of the most advanced lessons
from the finest minds
But second only to God Himself there’s no better
source of inspiration than you
You inspire me to be better than I’ve ever been
And better than I am now
There is no place better to be than here with you
You send me to the highest heights
You place me on top of the world
You’re better than any drug the doctor could
order
You bring a feeling that lights up the room
You bring a feeling that makes the night come
alive
You bring a feeling that it’s just me and you in
this heavenly place here on earth
You bring it
You bring it
There is no place better to be than here with you
Here in heaven
Right here on earth
Bring it.
Love,
Your Secret Admirer
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JANUARY 28
YOU:
LOOKS LIKE IT’S BEEN AWHILE SINCE I’VE GOTTEN
YOU ANOTHER AMAZINGLY BORING NOTE.
CLASSES AND HOMEWORK HAVE TAKEN OVER
MUCH OF MY LIFE LATELY. BUT NEVER FEAR!
ANOTHER NOTE IS HERE!
SO HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU HAPPY? ARE YOU
SAD? ARE YOU GLAD WHEN I’M NOT MAKING YOU
MAD? (YEAH, THAT LAST ONE WAS A TRICK
QUESTION. KIND OF LIKE THE TRICK QUESTION IN
THE POP QUIZ OF MY LAST CLASS. AAARGH!)
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY SEEM TO BE IN ESPECIALLY
GOOD SPIRITS THESE DAYS. I THINK YOUR OUT-
OF-THE-BLUE HUG FOR ME KIND OF GAVE IT AWAY
THAT YOU’RE HAPPY OVER SOMETHING. PERHAPS
YOU COULD CLUE ME IN ON THE GOOD NEWS OF
YOUR LIFE.
DID YOU WIN THE LOTTERY AND SO NOW YOU’RE
GOING TO BUY ME A CAR – ONE THAT JUST
HAPPENS TO BEAR A STRONG RESEMBLANCE TO
THE ONE IN MY CHRISTMAS CONTEST PICTURE?
OR ARE YOU GOING TO BUY ME A BUNCH OF
MANGO DELIGHT FRUIT CAKE? OR ARE YOU
THINKING OF PRANKING ME BY BUYING THAT
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PICTURE THAT I STILL THINK ISN’T A GIFT BUT IS
REALLY AN INVESTMENT? (WELL, OKAY. . . IF YOU
INSIST!)
OR IS IT SOMETHING ELSE? I WOULDN’T THINK
STRAIGHT A'S WOULD GET YOU TOO EXCITED
SINCE I THINK YOU GET THOSE ALREADY IN YOUR
SLEEP SO IT MUST BE SOMETHING ELSE. LET’S
SEE... IS IT... A NEW PAIR OF WRESTLING SHOES?
NO. THAT COULDN’T BE IT BECAUSE YOU DON’T
WRESTLE. SILLY ME.
MAYBE IT’S PROFESSIONAL TENNIS LESSONS!
YOU LOVE TO WATCH PRO TENNIS. MAYBE
THAT’S IT? NO. THAT’S PROBABLY NOT IT.
OH, WAIT... I LOVE PRO TENNIS. NOT YOU. (NOTE
TO SELF: SHE’S NOT THE PRO TENNIS LOVER.
YOU ARE.) OH! I’VE GOT IT! YOU’RE BUYING ME
PRO TENNIS LESSONS! YES! YES! NO.
OKAY. I’LL TRY AGAIN.
OOOOOH... YEAH... MAYBE IT’S SOMETHING
LIKE... YOU’RE IN LOVE?
IF THAT’S IT THEN YOU MUST TELL ME!
WAIT... WHAT IF IT’S A GUY THAT’S NO GOOD
FOR YOU? WHAT IF HE’S SOME JERK THAT I
KNOW FROM GYM CLASS? WHAT IF HE’S A TOTAL
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STRANGER THAT YOU MET ONLINE THAT’S A
TOTAL LIAR THAT’S ONE OF THOSE PSYCHO
KILLERS THAT STALKS AND TARGETS GIRLS OVER
THE INTERNET AND HE JUST HASN’T BEEN CAUGHT
YET? STAY AWAY FROM GUYS ONLINE THAT
APPROACH YOU CLAIMING THEY’RE IN LOVE WITH
YOU! WARNING! STRANGER DANGER! (I’M
COMPLETELY SERIOUS ABOUT THAT. DON’T EVEN
THINK ABOUT IT.)
OR WHAT IF IT’S A GUY THAT I KNOW? ONE OF
MY GOOD FRIENDS? SOMEONE GOOD ENOUGH
TO DESERVE YOU?
MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO KNOW AFTER ALL.
BUT DON’T LET THAT STOP YOU FROM HUGGING
ME. I STILL WANT THE HUGS! (I THINK.)
LATER!
ME
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