At 11 am I stretch and yawn, turning my tired and bleary eyes away from my computer. I’ve finished my new summer range for my jewellery line in time for New York and only just finished posting them onto my website.
I breathe in the coffee that’s sitting next to me and take a huge gulp of my syrupy liquid. I’m a sucker for a good coffee, I love them aromatic smell it has, like its invigorating all of your senses.
The doorbell suddenly rings and I feel a little perplexed as to who could be at the door.
“Coming!” I yell out
“I’m waiting,” yells back a deep male voice.
Emmanuel. Shit!
I take a deep breath before I open the door. How on earth am I meant to get ready within the hour with Emmanuel here when Jase is about to rock up? I haven’t even told Em about Jase and he is going to be seriously pissed to know I’ve been getting cosy with his client.
“Hey Em!” I say as in my best actress voice as I open the door.
“Hey yourself gorgeous. By the way, you look wrecked. Have you slept?” he says before barging into my kitchen and pouring himself a coffee.
“Oh I’ve just been up early this morning finishing off my designs so they’re ready in time before we head to New York.”
“I see,” he says while sipping his coffee and staring at me sceptically.
I can tell he can sense I’m up to something. That’s the thing with Em. There’s no hiding anything. He has a knack for people who aren’t telling the truth.
“What”? I ask feeling like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar. “Do you want to see my designs; is that what you came all the way here for?”
Em puts his cup down and leans against the bench with his arms folded. He has a serious look on his face and doesn’t seem to be pleased. In fact, he looks like a lawyer ready to interrogate a witness.
“Sophie Jacobs. I have known you for seven years and I know everything about you. And you know I do. So I can tell when you’re hiding something from me. So Spill.”
I fidget. I pull my hair into a pony tail and walk away from him, pretending to look for a hair tie. Anything except looking him in the eye. I can’t lie to Em anymore.
Exasperated, and maybe just so tired from working and the lack of sleep, I decide to tell him the truth.
I tell him everything from the night I first met Jase, to our boxing session, to the masquerade ball, how I ended up in his hotel that night (minus all the sexual stuff of course), to seeing him last night and how he stayed over, and how I’m seeing him again today.
I can’t even look at him while I tell him the truth. I look to the floor and continue to stay that way, ready to be scolded by him. Like a parent would to a child for lying.
“Sophie, look at me sweetie.”
I look up at Em surprised to a huge smile on his face.
“You’re smiling?” I ask in disbelief.
Em walks over and gives me a big bear hug. He pulls back before speaking to me. “Sophie, I don’t care if you’ve been seeing Jase all this time. In fact, I knew something was going on from the masquerade ball.”
“But how?” I interject
“One word, Frederick.”
I roll my eyes at that. Of course I should’ve known better when Frederick caught me and told me his lips were sealed. He’s the biggest gossip queen I know. Argh.
“Honey, I haven’t seen you this happy in…well…I haven’t seen you this happy ever! Look at you, your glowing! Okay okay, you look tired today and you look like you need about a weeks’ worth of sleep, but you look happy, and that’s the main thing. To see my girl happy.”
Tears well up in my eyes. I don’t know how Em does this to me. He always brings me happy tears.
“Why are you crying babe?”
I wipe the tears away with my hand and try to calm myself down before I speak. “I just really really like him Em. And it was only ever meant to be a one off thing with him, you know some fun. But then things catapulted and he makes me feel alive again Em. This gorgeous successful man who treats me so well makes me feel alive, like I can breathe again. Like I have hope again. Like I can believe in love again.” Tears continue to stream down my face.
“So then what’s wrong?” He asks concerned.
“It’s not going to last Em. I’m fooling myself. I’m only ever going to get hurt again. Jase is not the guy who does relationships, and have you seen him? He’s absolutely hands down gorgeous, the way girls look at him, and I have to wonder why he’s even wasting his time talking to me. He will probably drop me so hard and fast once he’s in New York. But I don’t want it to end. Because I love being with him. And it’s so hard to walk away. Because In this short time, I’ve started to fall for him Em. And I’m scared out of my mind. Inside, I’m so scared he is going to break my heart.”
“Oh Soph, come here.”
Em hugs me and kisses me on the forehead before stroking my hair.
“Sweetie, Jase is a great guy. I’ve known him for a good couple of years. I may not know him in the intimate way you do, but from what I do know, he’s a sincere, genuine guy. Yes he’s gorgeous. And lucky he’s not gay because I would’ve snapped him from you,” he says chuckling. “But you’ve got to take a chance in life. Look how happy you are. It’s okay to be falling for him and be scared. I know you have had your heart broken and you went through hell just to recover. But you’re stronger than you know. You are a damn fine looking woman who is smart as hell. Whatever is going to happen between you two will happen. You can’t change the course of whatever outcome is meant to be. So just let it be. Just have some fun for once and stop taking things so seriously. If your falling for him, then so be it! If it doesn’t work out- again, so be it. The point is, you can’t stop living your life. You know this!”
I step away from him and wipe my eyes, heading to the kitchen counter and splashing cold water on my face. I take a deep breathe in, and slowly breathe out.
I think about what Em has just said and realise he is right. For the first time in a long time, I’ve been happy. Really happy. And it’s because of Jase. And it’s true, he could break my heart. But I’m tired of living this way. I’m tired of not allowing myself to be happy. Anxiety and panic attacks don’t exist when I’m around him. It’s like my mind is free.
“You’re right Em. You are so right. I have been living my life in fear, I gotta let that go,” I say smiling back at him.
“Okay that’s my girl. Now you better go have a shower and get ready because you have about thirty minutes before he arrives.”
I walk Em to the door and give him a kiss on the cheek before he leaves.
“Oh and Soph?” Em says pausing at the door.
“Yes?”
“If he does break your heart, I will kick his arse. Client or no client.”
I give Em another hug and send him on his way. He makes me laugh.
*******
The doorbell rings and I’ve had all about 10 mins to shower, and get dressed.
I’ve decided to wear denim cut-off shorts and a figure hugging white tank top that shows off my cleavage. I’ve chosen to wear a red string bikini underneath.
My hair is in its natural state, it’s left out long and wavy and I’ve only applied a bit of blush and lip gloss to my face. If he’s going to leave and go back to New York and I only have a limited time with him, I might as well enjoy it and show him what he will be missing.
I rush to the door but gather my composure before opening. I take a deep breath and pull the door open and find Jase standing there in board shorts and a simple white v neck t-shirt. He’s wearing aviators and he looks damn fine too.
Before I can even invite him in, he takes off his sunnies and slowly lets his green eyes trace my body. He doesn’t say a word, he just stands there, looking at me like I’m a piece of meat, something so tasty that he can’t wait to devour. I can see the hunger in his eyes. It makes me feel empowered. I like that I’ve got his attention.
Deciding to play along with this silent game, I turn around and bend down in front of him, gathering my beach bag and sunnies. I purposely don’t bend my knees (thanks to my flexibility in Yoga), I stick my ass out showing him everything he would be missing, and everything he could take. I slowly turn back around and see Jase‘s hand is leaning against the door frame with a seductive smile on his face.
“Ready to go?” I ask innocently as I push past him and walk towards his car.
He doesn’t say a word, he just follows me from behind, and I know where his thoughts and his eyes are.
I don’t say a word either; I just smile at that fact that I got him right where I wanted him.
As we get into the car, I reach over to fasten my seatbelt but Jase stops me. We still haven’t spoken a word to one another and the sexual tension between us is soaring through the roof.
Jase clamps his hand over mine, and slowly, and gently, grazes he hands over my breasts, down to my stomach, before clicking the belt in place. I turn to look at him with a confused expression on my face, but Jase is looking at me like he’s ready to jump me.
“Sophie, you don’t need to pull any moves on me to try and get me hard,” he finally concedes.
“Okay,” I manage to breathe out.
“But if you pull a move like that again, the one where you bent over in front of me and showed me that glorious ass of yours, I will have no option but to fuck you right there and then. And believe me, I am going to fuck you. And you are going to remember it,” he says with finality before starting up the engine and driving towards the beach.
“You do look gorgeous in case you didn’t know,” he says smiling at me before taking my hand. I smile back and entwine my fingers with him.
The windows are down and the sun is out and it’s one of those beautiful Californian days.
This is where I belong. Here with Jase.
As we pull up the beach, Jase holds my hand as we walk down across the sand. We lay down our towels and strip off. I can see Jase staring at me the whole time I get undressed.
“You know, that bikini is going to get you into trouble,” he says playfully.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I respond in an innocent voice.
“Oh don’t play coy with me Sophie. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
I can’t help but laugh. Jase knows me pretty well already and he’s not shy to call me out on it. I really like that about him.
“So we have no boards, how are we going to surf?” I ask.
“Actually, a couple of my friends are headed down now. They’ll be bringing a couple of spares for us. I told them there will be a rookie with us today,” he says with a slight smirk on his face.
“Ha ha Jase.”
“Come here,” he says before pulling me into a hug. He gives me a quick kiss on the forehead. That damn endearing kiss that means so much to me, that I wish he’d stop. “I missed you.”
My heart flutters at his words.
“You missed me? But you only just saw me this morning,” I say with a huge grin on my face
Jase doesn’t respond, he just kisses me. Claiming me again with one of his passionate kisses. The ones I get lost in. The dangerous ones where our hands go wandering and we forget we’re in public places.
“GET A ROOM,” two male voices yell out.
Startled by the noise, I quickly pull away from Jase but he keeps a firm grip on my waist, holding me to him.
“Nice of you girls to finally show up,” he says to the two very hot guys walking up to us.
They are both built of pure muscle and are almost as tall as Jase.
One has curly brown hair and brown eyes. The other has a shaved head with blue eyes. He kind of reminds me of Kelly slater. They are both extremely good-looking. If I hadn’t met Jase, I would be staring at them no end, but Jase is just that little bit taller, that little bit better looking, has that little bit more muscle, and finally, he has the X factor. A quiet confidence about him, and the most intense piercing green eyes that would make any girl weak at her knees, no matter what other good-looking guy was around.
“We’re here Harper, calm down,” says the Kelly Slater lookalike.
“Soph, this is Adian,” pointing to the brown haired guy, “And this,” he says pointing to the Kelly Slater’s twin, “is Daniel.”
“Nice to meet you both,” I say shaking their hands. They look at me inquisitively, sneaking looks at Jase at the same time.
“You said you were bringing a rookie, not a fine ass girl,” Daniel says to Jase.
I blush. Daniel laughs. Jase doesn’t seem impressed. “Yeah well this fine ass girl is with me. So paws off boys.”
Wow. That’s the first time Jase has declared anything about us to anyone. I’m once again, shocked.
“So here’s the board for the rookie,” Daniel says handing me one very long ass board.
“I can’t ride this - This thing is huge!” I exclaim.
They all crack up laughing. “Don’t worry baby, that’s what all the girls say about me,” Daniel says back to me still laughing.
I realise then just how my words sounded.
“Mind out of the gutter boys!” I laugh back.
“She’s a funny one,” Aidan says to Jase.
Jase give me a quick kiss on the forehead and I notice Daniel and Aidan exchange a quick glance between each other.
Daniel does a pretend cough to break up the intimacy between Jase and I. “As much as I’d love for you two lovebirds to continue playing love stories, we’re here to surf. You can bang each other later.”
I blush at his words but Jase just laughs. Do these guys have a filter?!
“Anyway Sophie, have you surfed before?” Aidan asks me
“I can get on the board, but each time I try to stand up I always lose balance and fall off.”
“Okay when we get out there, we’ll all watch how you go and figure out why you’re messing up, so stay with us.”
“Got it, thanks Aidan”
We all grab our boards and paddle out into the ocean, past the swimmers and in waters deeper than I’ve ever been in before. I guess it’s the perfect metaphor for my life right now. The waves are massive here and I’m slightly terrified.
“The waves are massive here, I think I’m out of my league here,” I yell out to the other guys.
Jase paddles up to me. “Soph, if you feel uncomfortable, we can head back to somewhere where it’s shallower and you can try surfing there.”
I look at him and see the worry in his face. I don’t want to ruin his time out with the guys just because of me so I shake my head and tell him I’ll be okay.
“You sure babe?”
I notice it’s the first time he’s ever used the word ‘babe’ to me.
“All good, promise,” I say back to him.
In actual fact, I’m terrified.
A few waves go past, and after about five minutes of being a chicken, I decide to take a risk and take the next wave.
“Come on Sophie, take this one!” Aidan yells out to me.
I look behind me and see the wave coming and building up speed, I start paddling quickly, and I can feel it’s almost time for me to jump on my board and stand up.
It took me a good couple of months of knowing when to try and stand up on a board, but it’s all about momentum. If you try to jump and stand on the board too early, you risk being knocked off. If you go too late, you won’t have enough momentum to stand up.
I feel the momentum building from the wave and hop onto my board, knees bent, one foot in front of the other. I’m only half standing riding the wave and I’m on for about two seconds before I’m knocked off by the wave.
I go crashing down into the ocean floor. I’m only under for a couple of seconds, holding myself down until I can see the white froth above me as clear up. You should always be aware of that, because if you go up too early, you will just get pounded by another wave and risk drowning.
As I slowly come back up for air, I look around and see Daniel a few feet away from me.
“You okay?” he asks
‘Yeah, I’m good. Did you figure out why I’m falling off?”
“Yeah we all noticed why. Even though you’re keeping one foot in front of the other, you need to keep them wider apart. That’s what will give you more control and more range of motion to manoeuvre your board. Kind of like a skateboard. The further apart you keep them, the easier it will be. Once you fix that up, you will feel more confident standing up. It almost looks like your anticipating falling off.”
Geez, story of my life on that last sentence.
“Okay thanks,” I say back to him
He gives me a smile and paddles back out with the other guys who are already catching waves.
I spot Jase further out and I can see him riding one massive wave. He looks like a surfing god. How he manages to catch those massive waves with such ease bewilders me.
After he’s finished his ride, he paddles over to me.
“Wow that was amazing Jase. You’re a pro!” I say excitedly to him
“Years of practise,” he says with water dripping from his hair into his eyes.
I want to brush the droplets away, but I stop myself, scared that it might freak him out.
“I love it out here, I don’t know why I don’t do this more often.”
He smiles at my enthusiasm. “Told you it’s great being out here. So are you going to have another go?”
“Sure am,” I say back to him before I paddle back further out.
They all stop and sit on their boards, knowing I’m about to take my next wave.
I can see a massive swell emerging, it’s a huge a wave, and although I’m terrified, I decide to take it.
I quickly start paddling before jumping onto my board knowing I’m on the wave. I keep my feet further apart this time and slowly stand up, just going with the wave. Daniel was right; keeping my feet further apart has made all the difference.
I almost scream out with joy, my very first wave where I’m actually standing up!! I do a few manoeuvres with my board, steering it left and right trying to go with the wave. The feeling is exhilarating. I feel so pumped that all I want to do is just want to catch wave after wave.
As I paddle back up to Jase, Daniel, and Aidan, they all give my high fives.
“That was awesome!” I say excitedly to all of them.
“You did Good! You took a massive wave, good on you Sophie!” Daniel says back to me.
“Thanks for your advice, it worked!”
Aidan and Daniel give me another clap on the back before heading back out to catch some more waves.
Jase lingers next to me, his torso dripping with water which only makes my eyes divert to his rock sold abs and thick muscled arms. He looks so utterly gorgeous that I can’t help but brazenly grab the back of his neck and kiss him. He grabs my head with his hands and kisses me back just as passionately.
I feel like time has stopped between us. Here we are, out in the middle of the ocean, the sun beating down on our skin, and it feels like it’s just Jase and I in the world. I feel like the caterpillar that’s morphed into a butterfly. I don’t feel ‘damaged’ anymore or emotionally unstable. For so many years of my life, I felt one way, but I feel like I’m living my life now. Breathing it. And Jase has shown me that. And maybe that’s why I’m falling in love with him. Because he’s taken this dark cloud off my shoulders. He’s the light to my darkness. And I feel like a new person. I’ve known it for a while, but this kiss, out here in the middle of the ocean, with the salty ocean water spraying our skin, cooling us off from the scorching sun; I feel I’m born again. The anxiety that I have let consume me, isn’t there anymore. I feel like my heart is smiling.
Jase pulls away with his hand still cupping the side of my face. “You are stunning Sophie.”
I smile at him and give him a quick kiss before we both paddle back out and catch some more waves.
*******
After spending a good couple of hours out there in the surf, we decide to go and grab something to eat.
I’ve learnt that Daniel and Aidan went to Harvard with Jase, although they’re both lawyers. They seemed like really nice guys, and it’s the first time I’ve met any of Jase’s friends.
Jase was also extremely affectionate with me in front of his friends. He always held my hand, or had his arms around my waist, and when we weren’t talking or eating, he was showering me with kisses. Jase may not be one to express his feelings through words, but his actions made it pretty clear he liked me. If he wasn’t, he was a damn good actor.
After eating enough sushi to last me a lifetime, Jase and I said bye to his friends and decided to head back to my place. It was only late in the afternoon and I was ready for bed. This past week had totally exhausted me and I still had no idea when Jase would be going back to New York and where we were headed.
The realisation snaps me out of my ‘happy place’ with Jase. I know I have to say something because I can’t keep doing this. It feels like he’s just as into me as I am in him. I feel it through his actions that he’s falling for me too. Call it a woman’s intuition, but I feel it. I could be wrong though.
And I’m prettified of what he’s going to say.
As we walk inside my apartment, I begin to peel off my clothes ready to jump into the shower, oblivious to the fact Jase is still here with me until he grabs my arm and pulls me into his chest.
“And where do you think you’re going gorgeous?” He has his seductive smile on and his eyes are burning holes through mine. It’s like he touches my soul with his eyes.
“I was about to take a shower,” I say smiling back at him. “I’m utterly exhausted.”
“You’ve been pretty quiet on the way home after dinner, something on your mind?” he presses, looking into my eyes demanding the truth.
Oh. This is not the conversation I want to have. I’m sure he doesn’t want me getting all clingy on him and asking him what’s happening between us.
“Nothing. I’m just tired,” I lie.
Jase slowly lets go of my waist and places both of his hands on either side of my face so I have nowhere to look but at him. And I can tell I’m about to get the Spanish inquisition.
“You’re lying Sophie. I can tell.”
“How can you tell if I’m lying?” I ask in disbelief.
Am I that easy to read? First Emmanuel, and then Jase?
Time to have that conversation. I guess I better just get on with it now and let him walk away.
“What is this?” I point my finger to Jase and then back at me. “Between us. Clearly it’s not a one night stand. Is it a fling? Because I know you’re heading back to New York soon and I’m here and I have no idea what’s going on.”
That was as close to the truth I was going to give. Never mind the part where I was falling head over heels for him.
“What do you want it to be Sophie?” he says letting go of me.
I could tell just by his body language he was uncomfortable with this conversation. Clearly I was wrong about where his feelings were.
“Don’t do that. Don’t do the whole, ‘what do you want it to be Sophie’. If you wanted it to be more, or if you wanted it to be less. Just say so. Don’t beat around the bush. Just be honest.” I say angrily.
I’m so tired of guys and they’re bullshit.
Jase looks at me questioningly for a moment. I have a feeling he’s about to tell me he’s done with me. But instead, he pushes himself off the bench and slowly makes his way back to me, encircling me again in his arms.
With one hand he brushes a strand away from my face, tucking it behind my ear before speaking.
“Sophie, I only asked because I just wanted to see what you wanted. There was nothing more to it. I won’t lie, I don’t do this,” he says pointing his finger me and him. “I haven’t been with a girl like I have with you in a very long time. Its…I’m a complicated person. And yes I do live in New York and you’re here and as it so happens, Emmanuel texted me today letting me know the house I want I got, so I will be leaving tomorrow and heading back to New York.”
oh
My heart sinks. I knew it was coming. But the feeling you get when you finally hear the truth always outdoes any preparation you can give yourself. The truth really can hurt.
I have to fight back tears, because the sunshine he brought in my life, he’s taking it away so soon. And I’ve had so much fun-we’ve have had so much fun. So why end it?
“But,” he continues, looking me straight in my eyes. “I really like you Sophie. In case you hadn’t noticed, Aidan and Daniel were even surprised I was with you. They know I never introduce girls, so the fact that I did means something. I’m not one for words but I hope my actions portray what I’m trying to say. And, I want to continue to see you. You will be in New York in a couple of weeks, and I’ll see you up there. I don’t know what will happen between us. I can only go with what’s happening now.”
To be honest, he was a man of few words. Yes he had been really affectionate with me. Kind, gentle, and taken me to some great places. We laughed, I had met his friends, and I’m sure for him it was a big deal. But for me? It wasn’t enough. I couldn’t go down a path where a guy had one leg in and one leg out. Constantly unsure. And that’s what Jase had pretty much told me. Whereas I was falling for him. In a big way. And it wasn’t his fault I guess. He never promised me anything. But I thought he would be falling for me too. And I had hoped he would fight that little bit harder for me. But his demeanour tells me he’s just happy to ‘roll with things’.
I’m falling in love with this man. I honestly believed he was feeling the same way. Maybe I really am crazy. Oh god, how did I read him so wrong?
“I think you should go,” I say with sadness in my voice.
“What? Why?” Jase asks me looking perplexed.
“I just think you should go. I knew we should have just left it at one night. Please just go,” I say to him again, pulling myself out of his arms.
He hangs on, trying to pull me back, “Sophie?”
I can tell he’s hurt, I can tell he’s done the best he could. But it’s not enough. And just like the rest of them, I have to walk away. With whatever I can of my heart still intact.
Before I can pull away again, Jase grabs me and slams me against the wall and pins me with his lips. There’s nothing civilized about the way he’s kissing me. It’s all animalistic. And I bite his lips purposefully to get him to stop. Because I know I’m weak for him. His kiss and his touch will make me weak. I won’t be able to walk away if he continues. But Jase bites me back. Bites me so hard on my upper lip that I cry out in pain. I can feel the blood trickling down my lower lip, and I feel Jase sucking the blood off me, swallowing me into him. It’s almost taboo with the way we’re kissing. I feel a certain obsession with him, like a dark unclaimed part of me wants to ravage him. And I can feel his possession over me with his kiss.
He kisses me like I’m his and his alone. Which only confuses me with his words before about. And I kiss him back with all my might to try and hang on to the good we’ve had. If all I have is tonight with him, then I plan to put everything I can into him.
Gasping for air I claw at his neck and kiss him harder. I’m lost, floating through the pain of the present. Emotions fill me to the brim and overflow in rage and anger. My hands fist and slam into his muscular arms, but that only makes him devour me more.
When I finally get my hands under his shirt, I grab a fistful of his back and dig my nails in. I want it to hurt. I want to hear him cry out, but he doesn’t. Instead, it seems to turn him on more.
Before I can even get my bearings back, we’re in my bedroom, with Jase hovering on top of me. He rips my swimmers off and he’s already naked, his erection fairly evident. His eyes look angry, like he’s about to fuck me senseless. Like he wants me to remember what he’s about to do to me.
“I’m going to fuck you Sophie. So hard and so deep, you’re going to feel my dick go places no-one has ever been before. I promise you, you’re going to feel me,” he growls at me while sucking on breasts. <