I haven’t been here in three months. When I say here I mean entering a church. Life don’t seem like it needs a church day. It doesn’t seem to hold any significance or purpose. For two years I simply walked through these doors in need for something to look forward to. Something to give me a little hope for my life. I was so broken and frightened and confused then. Right now I am all those things times two. You know that time when you see differently about something that you have seen a million times? That is how I feel as I step over the threshold of the opened double doors. Inside is what is expected to be seen each Sunday morning. Congregants have filled the place. The choir is up front proceeding with the worship.
The usher at the door, I recognize him from the youth group but can’t seem to remember his name, beams me a warm smile before showing me an empty spot to sit. I do exactly that—sit—even though others are standing. It’s been a long two hours to this service. Taylor was adamant that I shouldn’t leave the house, he had to go somewhere—somewhere I figured had to do with man-man whatever that is.
Lawyer then shocked me by offering to accompany me to the service, I suspect when he heard that Judith invited me. Taylor had given him a long loaded look but couldn’t say anything because his phone was buzzing like crazy inside his pocket.
I finally, finally managed to make it here and I didn’t miss the lost look on Lawyer’s face as the church came into view.
I observe the people around me. Everyone seem to be immersed in the worship. Some have their hands raised and eyes closed like they have no care in the world while my brain companions are bringing forth every horrible story of church massacres I have ever heard.
I then recall that just a few months ago I used to parade this crowd every Sunday—I thought I wasn’t normal then.. Well what about now?
The worship comes to an end and then people start coming forward to narrate their testimonies. I am trying to wrap my head around it but my mind is too here and there to find any landing. What lands is the heaviness within me that I have been trying to keep at bay. I can lose it now, I can’t break down. Not now. I have to live like it was all just a bad dream.
Then Pastor Luke comes forward. He starts speaking like I always remember him do. These words—I have heard them a million times but they seem to be words. How do all these people base their whole lives on that? Can I?
And this feeling comes upon me. Like something within me is being nudged open. Maybe I have reached the point of desperation and I don’t even know it because I start muttering words under my breath as the sermon is going on in the back ground.
Lord I may be too far gone lost, but my child is innocent--- why do I say this? Maybe I just feel the pain of not being able to protect my child. Out of everything that is happening, that alone cuts me deeper the most. Like slides, I relieve every dark moment that has horrified me till now.
Why? Why is my life like this? Why is there so much pain? So much evil? What is the plan now?
Why am I talking to God I don’t believe in? But I want to anyway. Because here it seems like He is reachable and close. Like at the park, I recall in a flash of the moment. I had felt something and I put a lid on it. I don’t know why—but I am feeling it now.
So when the choir closes the sermon with the classical hymn, ‘draw me nearer’ I find myself on my feet. Hands raised and actually remembering the lyrics.
‘Draw me nearer—nearer blessed Lord, to the cross where Thou hast died….’ For a moment, that moment I don’t think of anything but that.
The service comes to an end and the youth group are all cheerful and happy to see me as Judith takes my arm to help me survive the happy throng. They say their condolences about father and with Judith’s help we are able to go off the topic immediately. That’s another side of Judith I really like—she knows that something is fishy but she is not one to ask too many questions. Bless her.
‘Where is Taylor?’ Malcom asks.
‘He couldn’t make it,’ I explain.
‘Who did you come with?’ Judith scowls
Oh by the way Lawyer took a long look at the church building and actually let me walk in on my own and I thought I heard him mutter—I don’t do church—before I happily jumped out of the car towards the building.
‘Lawyer.’ I mutter
Judith’s eye brows shoot into her hairline while Malcom scowls hard at her, ‘isn’t that the man from Friday night?’ he inquires
Judith glances around the church yard while I give Malcom a questioning gaze.
‘Where is he?’ Judith turns to me deep in thought then blinks when she meets Malcom’s gaze, ‘yes that’s him.’ she answers his earlier question.
Ookay. My brain companions are at the edge of their chairs trying to gorge Malcom’s reaction. It’s like prepare for launch attack 101. I suppose I am not the only one who had a rough Friday night despite the nice dinner.
‘He just treats me like I am his younger sister or something.’ Judith mumbles after Malcom only nods and is whisked away by some guy he seem to know, ‘it’s annoying at times—I can take care of myself—can you imagine that he was outside my gate worried that I hadn’t returned yet? I told him I was going to have dinner at your house.’
‘Really?’ I am genuinely surprised, ‘well you guys are friends after all.’
‘I guess but seriously? When did I start having to explain my actions and the people I interact with to Malcom?’
Judith is really annoyed with the issue and I change the topic before I blurt out the funny thoughts that are dropping in my head, ‘how is your mother?’
‘She was a bit better this morning when I last saw her. I placed her on the prayer list—as usual.’
I shake my head at Judith’s expression.
‘I just don’t get it at times.’ She mutters under her breath before she raises her eyes and they widen as she continues to look behind me. It’s the same look she had on Friday night. Instinctively I know that Lawyer is right behind me. Malcom somehow spots him the same time he approaches us and quickly ends the conversation with the person he was talking to before making his way towards us.
Okay at this point my brain companions and I can decide to sit back and watch the drama. Because it’s unfolding—loading----
‘Judith!’ Lawyer acknowledges Judith with a slight nod and small smile as he comes to stand by my side his eyes locked on Malcom who comes to stand beside Judith and flashes a smile at Lawyer.
‘Lawyer right?’ he extends his hand and they share a firm handshake all business like and threatening at the same time.
‘Yeah—it’s nice to see you again.’ Lawyer says politely.
‘You too, welcome to Rivers ministries.’
‘I came with Heather.’ Lawyer glances at me.
Judith gives me a look that I interpret as—what in the ever loving hell? - I manage a small shrug as if I already haven’t figured out what is going on.
‘Well we best be on our way.’ Lawyer takes my arm as Malcom flashes a faux smile but that doesn’t stop a little moment where Judith and Lawyer lock eyes for a few seconds and both look away as if coming from a spell.
I tell Lawyer that I need to say hello to pastor Luke before I go. The last time I had seen him was when he had learned about my engagement with Taylor during the fund raising concert. I vaguely recall Taylor singing in the choir. How different things are at the moment now. It’s like watching someone change completely right in front of you.
Pastor Luke is with Mrs. Keene, his wife mingling with the crowd. She is the first to see me. She deals with the Sunday school kids mostly that is why we never really see much of her. And she is the kind of woman who never draw any attention to herself. But she surprisingly never forget a face when she sees it.
‘Heather!” she exclaims when she sees me approach, ‘it’s been such a long time since my eyes have graced you.’
I let out a small laugh as I return her hug, ‘it’s been a while yes.’ I agree with her as Pastor Luke greets me with a warm smile.
‘I’m so sorry about your father.’ Mrs. Keene says as Pastor Luke holds my gaze, the same words in his eyes. I always came to church on my own and they never asked about my family. These people aren’t nosy at all anyway. I decide.
‘That’s life, it happens.’ I mutter appreciating their genuine concern. It’s been a while since I have seen genuine expressions on people’s faces. ‘This is Lawyer, Taylor’s cousin.’
‘Hello, we met at the funeral.’ Pastor Luke shakes his hand. I had been so distraught that day I saw Pastor Luke and his wife, I think they even talked to me but I really don’t remember much.
‘Yes, how have you been?’ Lawyer says politely.
We chat with them for a while. No one asks about Taylor until we make our leave. I lean my head against the seat and close my eyes. I love the blissful feeling I have in me right now. Just bliss—almost like nothing is weighing on my mind. I have a song in my mind that takes me down the memory lane. I don’t know why I am thinking about that road trip that ended horridly.
Maybe it makes sense. That is when all this episode in my life started. Talk about life changing events.
There is awkward silence in the car on our way back. I glance at Lawyer who is focused on the road ahead of him. I have to ask him about his intention towards my friend. What’s his deal? Personally I hope he be a true gentleman and steer clear of her.
‘Might as well spit it out Heather I am not going to breach the topic.’
I raise my chin, ‘stay away from my friend.’ I say it right out the way it is, ‘stay away from Judith,’
He has the nerve to throw me a cocky grin, ‘are you jealous just now?’
I fold my arms, ‘I don’t want my innocent friend to get mixed up with all your baggage.’
He chuckles, ‘baggage? Despite what you may think I am not a bad guy.’
I gape at him, ‘you shot at me.’
‘Heather you ran before you saw who shot at you.’ He says seriously, ‘I was there to protect you… it was Charlie who was the executioner.’
‘Executioner?’ I breathe out.
‘There are two in each family, Alex is one of them.’
I shake my head, ‘okay whatever—back to the topic, Judith cant and I repeat cannot get mixed up in all this.’ I gesture in the air, ‘I wouldn’t live with myself if that ever happened.’
He gives me a serious look, ‘I know Heather—even you don’t deserve to be mixed up in all this… had Taylor left you alone like he was supposed to..’
‘I am tired of hearing that—Taylor and I are inseparable. It’s us against the world okay? Stop with the persecution.’
He focuses back on the road, ‘and you are paying a heavy price for it as well.’ He mutters under his breath and silence follows.
I don’t care what he says about me but I just want his word that he will leave Judith alone. I can’t tell Judith to stay clear of him without telling her things she shouldn’t know. Only Lawyer has to be the reasonable one now.
With a sigh I turn to look out the window. I see the car too late. Though everything seem to happen in slow motion. I can only stare at the face of the truck as it rushing towards my window. It’s so ugly it looks like it is wearing a sneer. I sit up straight and gasp at the same time I cry out Lawyer’s name. I don’t turn to look at him as I squeeze my eyes shut, waiting for the impact, or the pain, whatever comes first.
What I feel though is myself whirling around so fast I can’t even breathe. Braids slap my face over and over. My body is being jerks forward then slams back on the seat. At one moment my head bumps against the roof of the car.
Then there are loud noises everywhere all at once. Screeching tyres, screams, something’s crushing—before everything deafens followed by what I suspect is the loud beating of my heart and heavy breathing. It is only then that I open my eyes. Slowly, not sure what I will see. The first thing I notice is the road coming at me fast. The white and yellow markings blurring towards me at impossible speed but don’t seem to be reaching where I am. Maybe I am delirious. Maybe I am dead and this is my highway to heaven.
A loud breath escapes my lips and seem to bring my senses back to reality. Everything start to fall into place around me. I am inside the car. I make out the dashboard, cracked windscreen and wipers brushing across it? Then Lawyer’s hands tightly grabbing the steering wheel. Veins seem to have popped from holding it so hard. I follow my gaze all the way to his face and my mouth drops open.
Maybe I am hallucinating and Lawyer has no idea what is happening at all, I was dreaming right? Because his face is calm and concentrated just like the last time I saw it before all the madness began.
‘Are you okay?’ he casts me a worried gaze, the first change of expression I have seen so far. The car seem to slow down making me realise how fast he was driving. I am still staring at him like a fish on a hook as he brings the car to a stop and puts it on park. He unclips his seat belt and is out of the car. My eyes follow him as he strides round the front towards my door.
He yanks the door open and I simply can’t move as he undoes my seat belt and pulls me out as if inside was on fire or something. I continue to stare at him as he pushes me against the car and starts to speak
‘Heather take a deep breath.’ His voice is a little distant, ‘you don’t look like you are breathing.’
And I notice that I have been holding my breath for too long, my head starts to swim. I part my lips and take a deep breath. Air rushes into my lungs so fast it hurts. Then I bend down and vomit.